Thursday, June 9, 2011

I'll trade you for a pudding snack.

Pissy Mrs. Pisserton is in the house today. I’m a long, long way from Care Bear Land…and if I could fart anything – it’d probably be bullets.

I want to shoot everyone. Well, not literally but like pretend in my mind. Like as in, I’m imagining shooting everyone who walks by my office with an AK47…and then laughing like Cruella de Ville. (I’m already going to hell – I might as well have the evil laugh to top things off)

So like I said, yesterday was my 15 year anniversary. I never saw Rambo. Well, I never saw Rambo with my eyes open anyway. I heard him come to bed and kiss me and say “Happy Anniversary” and that was it. He got up at 4am when I was asleep (obviously) and got home at 11pm from work. Back up 4 hours later at 4am to do it again. How this is safe I have no idea.

He missed Watermelon’s first soccer game too. If you know Rambo – you know missing days like yesterday nearly kill him. They mean everything to him and he was livid that someone didn’t show up to work so he had to stay for a double shift. Hence – yours truly – also turning into Mrs. Pisserton.

Oh and yes – then it stormed. Let me rephrase that. The heavens opened up a can of whoop ass in our area. 100mph winds and golf ball size hail and enough lightening to make you think you’re at a Michael Jackson concert. Two little girls and a mother pretending she isn’t scared – without Rambo – and my nerves are shot.

After today Rambo has a week and ½ off on vacation so Mrs. Pisserton will joyfully be replaced by Mrs. Full of Bliss. Not until tomorrow though. I gotta get through this shitabulous day first.

No workout for me last night and I feel like I’m growing wider by the day. I came into work to hear three co-workers talking about Weight Watcher points and how fast they run on the treadmill and I nearly went all ninja on their asses. If ninja didn’t work, I was going to grab the stapler and scissors next. I’m not picky. A weapon is a weapon right?

Honestly – I wanted to shove jelly beans in their mouths until sugar came out of their ears. What is wrong with me? Can I not celebrate someone else getting healthy?

Um – apparently not. At least not today. If I’m fat – everyone should be. Scratch that – if I’m fat – everyone else should be fat-ER.

I just feel like the 8th dwarf today. You know – like I don’t fit in, don’t belong, want out of this fairy tale – so the 7 dwarves can go back to being…well…7. Like they should be.

I suppose I should be grateful…I brushed my teeth, took a drink and didn’t swallow a spider. Life is good. Yes?

Oh did I mention to you all what I get to do this weekend? I’m working at a tattoo convention. Yes – you read that right. I’m going to put on my camo shorts, put a can of chew in the back pocket, grab the whiskey and coonhounds, get in the 4x4 jacked up to above sea level and ride my hick ass to a tattoo convention. AND? I get to sleep in a tent that night. My first name should have been “Lucky”.

I think it goes without saying that Rambo has already emailed me FOUR times this morning to ask me just what we can accomplish alone in a tent surrounded by people covered in tattoos in other tents. Jesus, Mary and Bart – is this really my life?

Forgive me for sounding like I’m back in kindergarten – but does anyone wanna trade? I’ll give you my life AND a pudding snack.

In case you didn’t know – pudding snacks are a valuable commodity. (in prison anyway)

What a deal huh? Any takers?

I’ll throw in two darling little girls. Remember, they smell good and have “perfect for pinching” squishy butts.

Wait – on second thought – I’m keeping them. The rest can go……


Jen said...

Awwww sugar plum..cheer up. Your bff will always be fatter than you! (and I'm totally good with it!)
I spit my coffee out at that line. LOVE it. LOVE YOU!


Banded Mommy (Angie) said...

I'm sorry you are having one of those days. I seems to be having them way to often these days. Just get through today and then you will feel better... ;)

Chubby McGee said...

I hate when these days happen and you literally get irritated with anything and everyone.

The good news: it'll change up to a lovelier day and it'll be all sunshine and calorie-free lollipops.

Hang in there. (and thanks for the chuckles...I don't mean to laugh, but you have SUCH a way with words. You need to quit tattoo conventions and do stand-up. Trust me. You're hilarious!)

MandaPanda said...

1 more day until can make it! And trust me, pudding packs are still valuable even outside of prisons. I love those things! Tattoo convention, eh? Sounds VERY interesting and if camping doesn't get you in the mood...seriously, what will? Hang in there sweetie!

Ronnie said...

Aww, I love those kinda butts, my boys have 'em! :)

Hope your day gets better.

Amanda said...

lady, my day yesterday was awful too!!

Hope today is much much better!

Joanna said...

Release the inner ninja today - so tomorrow, you can be back to farting gumdrops and skittles.

A tattoo convention?? JEALOUS, once again!!

I would dare say that what you and Rambo plan to do in your tent won't be anything out of what's going on in the other tents around you. Why be the odd ones out?? Get in there and Git 'Er Done!! LMAO

Dazee Dreamer said...

I'm really hoping that the pudding snacks in prison aren't used for what I think they are.

Kinda jealous you are going to a tattoo convention.

Laura Belle said...

Take the pudding snack (I call it a snack pak), open the damn thing, sit down and bask in the loveliness of the creamy sensational flavor and pretend that today isn't happening. Just concentrate on spoonful after spoonful of bliss in a plastic cup. Now I want a snack pak.

Don't worry. Be happy. XOXOXO! (Tomorrow is right around the corner!)

Jess said...

Still LMAO at the Michael Jackson comment! Damn! You poor thing....your skittles went sour huh? It will get a little better when you have Rambo for his vacation.

A tattoo convention sounds wicked awesome! Hellz yeah! I'd probably come back with some major additions to my own! hope you have a great time!

Cat said... jealous of the tattoo convention...well, not the camping part. I'm not a camper. Though neither are you with your snake, spider and do we even want to ask where you're supposed to do the P things? Nah...don't bother answering. : )

This too shall pass and you'll be wallowing in Rambo'goodness soon enough. And was that a ninja star you just threw in my direction? Hee hee.

Rachellabelle - My Hips Don't Lie said...

Awww, "Lucky", I hope you don't have to fart too many bullets today.

Enjoy vacation time with Rambo. ;)

Bridget said...

Pissy Mrs. Pisserton is one funny gal, anyway! Enjoy the time off with Rambo!!

Karen Butler Ogle said...

Sorry you are having one of those days, Drazil. I know what you mean. I think someone sent me some shit in the mail today. I think I will trade with you. Does Rambo come with the deal? I could use a macho guy to take care of some bullies.

I seriously hope you enjoy your vacation with Rambo. One more day and you will be there. Hang on tight!

Dawnya said...

As the resident violent blogger...I say just slap somebody. It always makes me feel better. LOL

I'm with Laura that damn pudding snack. It will make you feel better.

Bonnie said...

I can't really comment as all I am thinking about is a picture of you bent over shooting bullets out of your ass gun, what a brilliant idea!!!
Then they can make pants with a flap that opens up when you shoot.....ok I need to stop now.....hahahahaha

Kelly said...

An AK 47, eh? So you're not an Uzi kinda gal, I take it? Well, I guess it doesn't matter. We all have those days, but they don't last long, which is a good thing. I'm wishing rainbows & Care Bear Land for you soon!

Raven said...

fart bullets hahaha!!!

me loves you.

"how this is safe I have no idea" HAHAHA!!

ok laughing over here.

can of whoopass. You kill me. in a good way. in a AK 47 way.

AutumnLeaves said...

Well, that sounds like a not fun day. No deal without the kiddles thrown in! LOL