Wednesday, June 1, 2011

NO gumdrops. Only black licorice.

I’m farting black licorice today…so um yes…you’ve been warned.

1. Wanna know the fastest, most motivating factor a girl can have to lose 15 pounds? Schedule an appointment with her plastic surgeon who performed her tummy tuck 3 years ago. Yup – my plastic surgeon may indeed be the one giving me botox for my sweating waterfall armpits and my migraines. In 48 days to be exact. I will see the woman who sliced and diced me and you can bet your skinny ass that there is no way I want to tell her I gained 15 pounds after she worked her magic. Commence operation “try to be as skinny as I was 3 years ago”.

2. Do you all remember how I’d rather drink gasoline than say or hear or have anything to do with the words poop or puke? Well yes – then isn’t it appropriate that this morning I had to clean up cat puke? We’ve had our two cats for years – never have they ever puked…until today – the day that I feel like a stuffed sausage about to cry at any minute. Please – someone poke out my eyes with a fork.

3. I have on my leopard snakeskin whatever the hell design bright pink heels today with the purple toes…to try to salvage my mental image of myself. So now I look like a stuffed sausage who waddles because her pants are too tight but damn if my shoes don’t look hot. I kid you not – I had pants on today that rivaled Martha Stewart’s camel toe from last week. In a “who is sporting the biggest, best camel toe” contest – I would have won. Clearly – I took those pants off.

4. Sheniqua and her fat have gotten to be such a problem that I cancelled my nail appointment today just so I can go home and run 4 miles. THAT is the definition of desperation my friends. Choosing running over nails. *gasp*

5. I saw a guy from town last night who has lost over 60 pounds on Nutrisyst*m. Beyond wanting to mow him down with my car out of jealousy – I want to hug him just to see if some of his skinny-ness will rub off on me. I’m contemplating every diet known to mankind today…so far liposuction is at the top of the list.

6. Lastly – in regards to my BYOC question last week about stay at home vs. working moms….let me just say that whole “I’d kill to be able to go to work” comment still pisses me off because last night this same woman posted something like this on her FB wall.

• Whoever said summer was for fun? We have baseball and softball practice, soccer, camping, canoeing, play dates, days at the pool and family activities every day. LOL *

LOL up your ass. Excuse me while I puke. You poor, poor thing. How will you survive? If jealousy was a baseball, I’d throw it right at her eye or left tit. Something. I want to reply – “Oh yes, isn’t summer great? I get to do all those things AND mix three jobs in between them all – you crotchhead. Poop on you.”

Mature, aren’t I?

Mmmkkkayyy – so there you go. I hate me today. I can’t help it.

Today Draz and Sheniqua are kicking MY ass…and I’m too tired to even give a damn.

If you like black licorice – stop on over. I’m got shitloads of it coming out my ever-expanding ass today. *sigh*

Oh and I think I'm going to do a confession post later - I can't resist with the mood I'm in today.


Cat's Chic Chat said...

I must admit...I dislike people that put LOL at the end of sentences. I believe it's used more as punctuation these days rather than it's original purpose which was to indicate that you find something so amusing that you are laughing out loud at the moment. I don't know if it qualifies for Ms. Stay at Home, but it's often used as a "no offence" type statement too. "Wow, that hairstyle is from the 80s! LOL!!" so if you take offence the person can then say..."Didn't you see my LOL, I was JOKING gosh lighten up and take a joke!" Ugh...sorry for the rant, guess I'm joining you with the black licorice today for sure.

Laura Belle said...

Just keep thinking about how rockin' those shoes are! Who gives a whoopy cushion about all that other crap, your feet look amazing. (And all that other crap will turn around! I promise!)

Oh, and I'm not a mom or anything, so I have no idea how challenging working and parenting can be, but that moron on FB, I just want to rip her lips off for you. Annoying much are we??!!

Keep your head up ladybug! It'll get better!

Lee Ann said...

When I saw your pink and purple heels, I wondered if you'd ever heard of the brand "Irregular Choice," they are made in the UK. I have a couple of the less wild pairs, but even those are kinda crazy. A few years ago I had a pair that were mostly deep purple, with a glittered gold toe and rainbows on the sides. I wish I still had them just so I could show you a picture. You would love them. The only pair I have right now are black, kitten heels, with pink roses on them...and a sweet picot edge around the foot. If you want to see some crazy shoes look them up on zappos. If you do, let me know what you think.

Ronnie said...

What a bitch, I want her life if THAT'S stressful!

Lee Ann said...

crap zappos doesn't carry them anymore. just google "irregular choice." at the very least, you'll be entertained.

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

I love you DRazil.

I'm sorry you're stressed about your lipo appointment. I'm also sorry you're pissed at the mom wanting to go to work. I hate tight pants and camel toe. It's as thought everyone things it's my fault I don't have clothes that fit.

Course, it IS, but it's not that simple.

I've got a lot of emotions going on and I am realizing that when I stop emotional eating and move into weight loss mode, I'm just shifting my diversion tactics.

Do I have a magic solution to share with you?

No. But, I'm here with you. I hate black licorice as much as the next person, but I'm here. (a fair share of that is mine anyway darlin)

Clumsy said...

I think that woman deserves a home run slammed right into the side of her stressed out little summer life to wake her up...

Beth Ann said...

I have a friend (who I adore) that I have never received an email or text from that DIDN'T say LOL. But in all fairness, she has a nervous giggle, so she probably is LOL. :)

Chin up, Skittlebutt. We love you EVERY day!

FitBy40 said...

I am right with you on the self loathing today. I just ate the left over apple pie from Mem Day, the one I said I wouldn't eat and only accepted to be polite to the woman who made it.
For the record, it is TO DIE FOR!

Wendy said...

Who is this heifer who I need to slap..."Lol" up her's here as well. I have done both sides of mommydom. Both are hard as hell in and of their own rights. both also whup your butt and can make your heart ache. Heck she can go to work and I will toss my kid and her together and raise em all. she can send me a maintaince check. I'd kill to go to work.....but mine is mostly out of need and being tired of being told i am "too educated" 9 times out of 10 when i apply for jobs.
And poop me out and spread me on crackers with her who said summer is supposed to be fun b.s.
I would kill to go the pool! Except for the fact I would get turned away as whales are salt water mammals and the chlorine might irratate my blow hole.....kill to go to work. summer is supposed to be fun.....stupid flippin %#*$ whinney freaking $#@!%.

Dazee Dreamer said...

I'll help you throw the baseball at her chest. yeah, I'd be really good at it.

Rachellabelle - My Hips Don't Lie said...

You have no idea how happy I am that I found you.

I feel your pain about your plastic surgeon. I am goIng to have to visit mine AGAIN after I lose 100lbs AGAIN.