Friday, June 17, 2011

One eyed willy.

For all of my perverted readers out there - NO - this is not going to be a post about penises.  I mean One Eyed Willy the pirate.  Geez.  I don't know where you got the penis idea.  I never talk about those.

Could someone get me a parrot? STAT.

Move over Davey Jones.  There’s a new pirate in town.

Yes enough already.  I suppose about now is when you want an explanation for all the annoying pirate talk.  Well, let me explain while I’m yelling at the top of my lungs: Holy spicy bat turds!!

Life is challenging these days.

For the next 5 days you can politely refer to me as Captain Jack Sparrow-ette if you please because I feel like a f*cking pirate.

I have long nails – though I don’t have the proper dirt under them. I guess I don’t have the black teeth either. And no peg leg in sight.

Oh and you know what else? I need an eye patch.


The only thing that will make me bitch less about this is if pirate wenches turn into male Gods – who don’t mind sleeping with a one-eyed shoe slut.

I went back to the eye doc. Apparently this is the week for crying in the doctor’s office (we ARE twins Jenny) because I left crying. And I, again, like my twin best friend Jenny – am not a crier.

We have to run some tests on my eyes to see what kind of surgery I can have to fix it but to get the proper test readings I have to take the contact out of my eye until Monday. Chances are my eye will not be fixed until August.

Um hello – Mr. Buttf*ck Doctor – did I mention I’m an accountant who reads numbers and looks at a computer screen all damn day??????

I can’t see. My balance is off. I walk like a drunk. (Yes - this IS different than every other day in case you are wondering.)  Everything looks double.

There’s nothing good about seeing double unless I’m in a Skittle bath with a martini.
Double that and I’m in heaven.

Otherwise – I want to lay in bed, eat Taco Doritoes and wash them down with Pepsi….followed by ice cream - with a patch over my dead, useless, broken eye.

A minute ago I caught myself saying, “Arrgghh.” 

(told you I look hot with feathers in my hair)

Speaking of - here's another pic of my real feathers - CURLED!
(I love them so much I bought more today in BLUE)

Back to Pirate-town.  Minutes after the "Aarrgghhh" debacle, I yelled “I hate you – ye scallewag” at Explosive Man as he walked by. I ducked behind my desk when he turned around to see who said it.

Pirates do wear a lot of bling…I guess that’s a plus. I can so pull this off right?

I just need a ship.

Oh look, I found a ship!

Now all that is left to do besides pout is find out if they make diamond studded pink eye patches!? 

Cuz without a diamond studded eye patch - this is going to suck big huge GREEN infected donkey balls.


AutumnLeaves said...

I had some catching up to do since yesterday a.m.! I'm so sorry to hear about your eye though. I hope that it gets fixed sooner rather than later, despite the August prediction.

I too am an accountant. Sigh...what was I thinking?

Leslie said...

Stupid eye!!

Your feathers are so cute though. I want feathers. Hot Pink ones.

Joanna said...

Oh no - I'm so sorry to hear about your eye. I also hope they can do something before August.

I know this sounds bad, but no BYOC today?

Karen Butler Ogle said...

Draz, I'm sorry and I can relate. I am wondering if you can to some optical center and have a special pair of glasses made to use until you get surgery. I'm sure they could make them to suit your eyes. I think with your contact out you will be prone to head aches and eye strain and all kinds of things. I will keep you in my thoughts, dear.

Stephanie said...

Ok..I know I'm a perv, but does it mean I'm a bigger geek that I instantly thought of One Eyes Willie from "The Goonies"? My little Sarah had to wear an eye patch and she loved being a pirate, "like Captain Jack".

If you have to wear a patch, you can preak out the "Bedazzler" and go to town!! :) I know if anyone would, it's out Draz!

Laura Belle said...

1: I'm with Stephanie, I totally was thinking Chunk and little Mikey.

2: I have this ridiculous fantasy about Johnny Depp as Capt. Jack. It's so ridiculous that i can't write about it.

3: After all that, i'm really sorry about your eye. But think about how badass you'll look with a hot pink blingy eye patch on the back of the harley with Rambo? Pretty badass!

Dawnya said...

Ok...I immediately thought about the Goonies too. I guess because I watched it the other day. LOL

You are the cutest pirate out there. Your eye will be fine. You are to wonderful for anything else.

Cat said...

Poor you and your eye. Though I'm lovin the idea of the pink with diamond bling eyepatch. I'm diggin that for sure. (Yeah, I said dig! I'm bringing Disco back too. /nod)

Beth Ann said...

I'm sorry about your eye! I'm an accounant too and I can't imagine trying to work without an eye.

Anonymous said...

I suffer from double vision & have to wear an eyepatch. I've made/ decorated a few myself- I'm wearing a big sparkly one today! I'll admit its uncomfortable wearing a patch all the time & I really hated it at first but its just something I've learned to live with. 'One eyed shoe slut'- guess thats what I am lol

Rachellabelle - My Hips Don't Lie said...

Eeks, I can't imagine. You definitely need a sparkly eye patch...and rum. (Better learn to love your liquor.)

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

This is exactly why I'm afraid to have my eyes done. I couldn't bear to end up worse than before. I hope things get better soon!

Bridget said...

I'm sorry you're having problems with your eyes. Hoping it won't take until August to fix it.

You totally rock the hair feathers!

mommykinz said...

Hang in there. I too was thinking about migraines be careful