Tuesday, June 14, 2011

One time at a tattoo convention....

Is it customary to warn you of graphic (actually massively ugly) pictures to come?  Thank God this blog is anonymous.  My mother would have a coronary and Jesus would be weeping if he were alive to read this.

So let's recap how this monumentous tattoo convention began.  Rambo signed us up for this.  Literally - I had only a few facts about this.  They were this:

It is happening on Saturday the 11th.
It begins at 10am.
There will be bikers amuck.
We will be helping however we are needed.
We will sleep in a tent.
You will want to stab yourself before it's over.  (I made that one up.)

Being the good wife that I am - I eat my own hives and calm my scattered nerves and I get my happy ass to the convention on time (without a single Xanax I'll have you know).  I think I will be taking money.  Greeting customers.  Showing some of my tats.  Maybe holding a scared hand or two.

Holy giraffe tits - was I wrong!

We had 3 tattoo artists - and about 300 bikers roaming around.  3 live bands, a city of tents and enough Harleys to make the Hells Ang*ls proud.  Oh and $15 at the gate got you ALL the beer and food you wanted.  What could possibly go wrong with this picture?

Rambo became the setter-upper and taker-downer.  That means he set up every artist's station before they did a tattoo and cleaned up after.  With gloves, keeping everything sterile and sanitized - while in the middle of a 4H building.

It was pretty impressive actually.  He was taught once.  And he kicked ass at it.

Our job was to make sure the artists could focus solely on doing tat after tat after tat.

My job?  Well get this...I was the artist.  I would meet a client, ask what they wanted and where, confirm a cost with the artist and get the go ahead to draw.  I'd take their picture of what they wanted, trace it out on paper and then draw it into transfer paper (that's the piece the tattoo-er puts on your skin that leaves a pic of your tat on your skin).  Sometimes if there wasn't something to trace, I had to free-hand draw.  At one point I was asked to actually free-hand directly on a person's leg.  I had to search pics on the internet and size things too. 

I worked my freaking ass off I tell you.

And in between that - Rambo and I were asked constantly to show our tats to potential customers.

I saw crazy ass tats done and I saw memorial tats done that made the client break down in tears when done.  I held a girl's hand through her entire tat and made her continuously talk so she wouldn't pass out and was thanked with numerous hugs afterwards.

The only food available was hot dogs and chips.  Let's just say throughout 22 hours there - I ate my share to keep my energy up. 

There was a titty contest (no I did not enter) and motorcycle games.  Even a freaking vendor selling lingerie.  Next to the vendor selling leather purses.

My feet were sooo sore..not only from the tattoo I got at the beginning but from the fact that I had on sandals with no support - and the floor was cement.  Yes, often I am mistaken for brain dead.  Get over it.

I saw some of the dumbest tats ever.  Our first one?  FTW - on his back.  Just the letters....right below his tat that said "white power" and the other one that was a swastika.  And this guy even had the balls to have a tat of a rival motorcycle gang on his back.  Had someone from that gang seen it - they would have removed it from his back...literally.

Another guy got his kid's names tattooed on his neck.  Both sides.  He requested two artists doing it at the same time to get it over with fast.  They agreed and Rambo was tasked with holding up the guys head and neck skin the entire time.

I met quite a few women who had lost children...and got tattoos to honor their lost lives.  As a mother myself - I had goosebumps and tears in my eyes more times than I could count that night.

And lastly - the ass tat.  A friend said if his friend would do it - he'd pay for it...and hence - the ass tat commenced.  The whole time I was drawing I kept saying, "I cannot believe I'm drawing an ass tat."

It was Elmer Fudd.  And a word bubble that said, "Come out of there you wascally wabbit." 

That guy has my handwriting on his ass - until he dies.  And I don't even know his name.

Did you know that the ass is one of the most painful places to get a tat?  No one knows why.  In fact, my artist said she has tattooed many penises and the guys just sit like it's nothing.  You do their ass and they nearly pass out.

This guy was clenching his teeth, smoking and drinking and swearing the whole time.  He said it was the worst spot ever.  He only got the outline as he said no way could he sit through the pain of filling it in. 

He walked funny the entire rest of the night from the pain.

As promised - the graphic proof.  This is the ONLY time all night I felt the need to get out my camera.

So yes, I left my home at 9:30am on Saturday and returned home at 5am on Sunday.  Please note that while I left at 5am - the party was in no way over.  Jesus - those bikers can party. 

I was a freaking artist for a day.  It was a hell of an experience.  I saw things I never thought I'd see.  I met people that I will never forget.

There's nothing like working that long and that hard at a tat convention to make me grateful I'm an Accountant.

Then again - inebriated men will pay just about anything for a tattoo.  We covered our overhead in the first two hours. 

What a night my friends.  What a night.

Let's re-visit the facts quick.

It is happening on Saturday the 11th. - this turned out to be true.  However, my little head had no idea it wasn't going to be over until the 12th.  Next time I'll be sure to ask.

It begins at 10am.  - Rambo got this one right.

There will be bikers amuck. - THIS is an understatement.  Like wow

We will be helping however we are needed. - We will be freaking bonafide employees and we will work until our fingers bleed.  (okay I may have exaggerated there a bit) 

We will sleep in a tent. - The f*ck we will.  It was 50 degrees.  Heavy metal bands never stopped.  I think not Rambo.

You will want to stab yourself before it's over. - Nah...you'll chalk this night up as one of the best in your life - and certainly the most unique.


Nora said...

At least you avoided drawing on a penis I guess. Why would men want to get THAT attacked by needles?

Sincerely Me said...

The party and attendance sounds awesome... the work... not so much. My hats off to you and Rambo. I totally want to be there next year. Sounds awesome! And all that for $15 I'm in!

AutumnLeaves said...

Unique indeed! But - I mean "butt" - it sounds like you had a blast!

Lonicera said...

I had a dropped jaw reading your whole post!! Bloody hell you've got guts.

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

Wow. I'm going to pretend my little stamp over the weekend never happened.


Jacquie said...

Only you Draz, only you!

Jody V said...

Sounds like an amazing time!! I'm thinking ink myself and having trouble putting something together. Wish I could meet you and get some help!! Great story!

Joanna said...

$15 for all the beer you can drink??? HELLO!! Why on earth does that not happen around me???

Sounds like a blast...so jealous..urm..happy you got to do it!!!

Leslie said...

That sounds crazy yet fun at the same time!

Dawnya said...

Hello...you spent an entire day with a bunch of strangers. You talked to them, you laughed with them...and you even let them shake your hand. Hell you let a stranger hug you.

If that ain't progress with your social anxiety I don't know what is.

I'm so freaking proud of you right now I could burst. I wish I was close so that I could high five you...this is great.

This was a party to beat all parties. I love it. It is hilarious. Liquor and tattoos are not good friends. LOL

Laura Belle said...

Holy tattooed Donkey Dick!!! That is hilarious...and i'm so jealous of you right now. That would have been sweet. Well, not the 'working' part but seeing all those tats and helping people out and $15 for all the beer you can drink!!!! Whoa, i'd totally be there.

Glad you had such a great experience!

Ronnie said...

I agree with Jacquie, only you out of all of us would get to experience something this awesome! Jealous! :)

Karen Butler Ogle said...

Draz, I have to say that as one of the most sedate people you've ever "met" the whole thing sounds like a BLAST. I would love to experience something like it but my husband would NOT be up for it. He isn't up for me getting a tattoo yet either. I'[m trying to wear him down. In spite of how tiring it was for you, it sounds like you did great with your anxiety issues.Congrats and I love the photo of the ass tat. LOL

Cat said...

I am so freaking proud of you! With your stress and anxiety being around people...and other people and surrounded by places that all the P words come from. I'm SO FREAKING PROUD OF YOU!!!! I'm so glad that you had a great time, albiet super tired and sore feet. : ) Way to kick ass at the Tat convention girl! (no pun intended. Really.)

MandaPanda said...

That sounds freakin' awesome! When I finally get my panda bear tattoo...can you draw it for me? I am in no way talented in that area.

Amanda said...

Seriously? It sounds freaking awesome :)

Rachellabelle - My Hips Don't Lie said...

You are a warrior carebear princess. I dont know if I could have survived that.

Katie J said...

I just got one on Friday night lol!

Sarah said...

Holy shitballs---that's a whole lot of awesomeness in one weekend! I am also an accountant, but I have only one tattoo: my husband's name on my ring finger. (Although I'm getting a second SOON on the inside of my forearm.) Regardless, I think tattoos are badass and would have LOVED to be you at that event thinking "What the hell am I doing here?" but loving EVERY second!

Sarah @ Thinfluenced

Jess said...

OH my gah! I am so freakin jealous! I would love to have my writing/drawing permanently placed on a shit load of people! awesome!!!!!!

Barbara said...

Wow.. I read this thing faster than an eviction notice!! what an incredible experience.. loved the rehash.. and the validation of what an experience this was.. hugs

Dazee Dreamer said...

That is so freaking awesome. Look at you. Too bad we didn't have a showing of Drazil Ink. I would have recorded it and everything.

Stephanie said...

All I know is that you provided a HUGE service to the public, as it should be completely illegal for a man's ass to be that hairy. He totally needs to invest in laser hair removal.

I've seriously never seen a man's ass that hairy before. And I've seen a lot of asses!! it was an amazing before and after on each cheek!!

Beth Ann said...

How crazy AND awesome! Thank you so much for the amazing recap. :)

Ali said...

Wow, that sounds like an amazing day!
No tattoos here, but I have always thought a pair of lips on my backside would be good. So, whenever (note I didn't say IF) a man annoyed me I could point to it and say KMA! ; )