Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Paralyzed.

Someone should instill a “blog per day maximum” for people like me who can’t shut up.

I give you all permission to only read one blog of mine per day. After that – it’s all poppycock anyway.

My coping mechanism is writing. So this is me – coping. Sometimes I’m such a dipninger huh?

Anywhoozle, it’s summer. Rambo is feeling and looking better. He has a new Harley. He is a social maniac. He can’t get enough of people.

I on the other hand – want to go to work, come home and never leave.
Preferably I’d like to live in a closet.

I have to plan outings WAY ahead of time – because it takes me ALL day to mentally prepare to go to them. Spontaneous is almost as bad a word as poop and puke if you ask me.

For Rambo? Spontaneous IS the meaning of life. It IS joy and fun.

When he decided to call in sick all of a sudden last weekend and wanted to go “do something” – I panicked. I had already “planned” to do nothing while he was at work. That’s where my OCD brain was set. I literally said to him – I can’t do this spur of the moment stuff. I just can’t.
(but I ended up doing it anyway…and I lived)

Last night he all of a sudden wanted to go somewhere again and I said no. Mentally I couldn’t process it.
 I told him to go and I’d watch the girls.

Enter today. I’m as happy as Barney at a children’s picnic until he called.


He said, “Hey, I got asked to play volleyball tomorrow night. And both of us for next Thursday night.”

Instant shutdown. I’m paralyzed.
My voice changes so much it prompts Rambo to say, “Are you okay? What’s wrong?”

I lie. “Nothing.”



Why is this me? EVERYTHING in me wants him to go. He loves this stuff and it’s good for him and for us and it’s healthy…but it makes my stomach hurt and my mind panic because it’s a week night, I’ll have to do soccer alone, it’ll be late, etc, etc.
(Translation = it’s NOT in the plans).

And to think they want ME to go the next week? I just don’t understand how I can make that work – though every part of me knows it’s with old friends and we’ll have a blast once I get there.

Why can’t this be easy like it is for everyone else out there?

He said, “Put it on your calendar and think about it.”

Why do I have to think about it? I just want to say yes – I’d love to – I’ll be there.

I don’t want to be crippled. I don’t want to feel lost – like Winnie the Pooh would feel without Piglet.



And it pisses me off. I’m angry at the anxiety this causes. I want it gone.
I want this to not be my cross to bear.

I hate feeling like I’m in a boxing ring – fighting myself.
I’d like to kick the shit right out of me if it were possible.



I want to not be me when it comes to stuff like this.

But I am me.
And I’ll have to find the strength to do it anyway because if I don’t – I’ll never forgive myself for
holding Rambo back or for becoming the wife that my Dad was to my mom.

I’m not okay with going and doing this stuff.

But I’m even less okay with regret.

Now where the hell did I put my big girl balls from last time I used them?

I bet that heifer Sheniqua took them.

I hate that whore.

6 comments:

Laura Belle said...

First of all...what the Hell are you doing up at 4am posting?

Second, you'll do it, you'll survive, you'll even have a blast doing it. And you'll feel like you're the best wife ever. (Because I know all us wives care SOOO much about being the best.)

Oh, and I know Sheniqua took your balls; I'll help kick her ass for you. Because I got your back, girl!

Ronnie said...

You can do it, lady. I know it's hard, but maybe after thinking about it for another week you'll warm to the idea. :)

Lonicera said...

You know what I like about this post? That Rambo knows you inside out, he knows perfectly well how you'll react, he knows you don't want to do it, he must also know that negotiating and reasoning with you is less successful than cheerfully committing you both, and trusting to the 'too late to cancel' principle - that you love him and you'll try very hard to do it for his sake (although once you get there it may not be as bad as you thought). So he's managing to get the very best out of you and sort of gently taking you by the hand. I do like that. SUCH a shame that you won't/can't show photographs - I'd love to know what he looks like. He sounds very special.
Caroline

Cat said...

I totally *heart* you. You know - I have similar, if not quite as severe issues with spontaneity (god I hope that's spelled right!). I have even been offered spur of the moment by my besty to come out to her pool and have a cook out w/her and her hubby. I always say no. : ( I fail at spontaneous. I know that while this feels paralyzing right now, you will defeat this because you have a week to settle into the idea. And it will be old friends, and you WILL have a blast.

~Lisa~ said...

My favorite line in this post is the teeeenyy little words that say, "but I ended up doing it anyway... and I lived" - Sometimes that is what it is all about - doing it anyway, and LIVING. Grabbing life (LIVING) by the little butt (see stickman in post), and "doing it anyway".. You're a strong and beautiful woman who deserves no less than to be LIVING.. Allow that strength in you to choke the very LIFE out of that word "regret" and get your serve on!

MandaPanda said...

First, what exactly is a dipninger?

Second, I think Rambo knows how is for you on some level which is why he's giving you a week to get pumped up for it. Him being gone a night this week sucks but take a deep breath and you'll get through it and you'll be able to say "I did soccer by myself and it was OK." We're here for you.