Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Good f*cking riddance.

I’m not who I used to be anymore.


All I can say to that old me is…good riddance. Finally – good f*cking riddance to the heavy that lived in my soul for what seems my whole life.

You see, I’ve been thinking a lot lately. I had 200 miles on the back of a Harley and gorgeous scenery for about 10 hours this weekend so I had time to do some pretty deep thinking.

About where I was. Where I came from. Where I’m going. And who I am.

I used to want to be someone else every moment of every day. I hated my personality. How I talked, how much I talked, what I said, how I laughed, how I cried…how I looked, my choices, and what I figured people thought of me. I wanted to be like and look like anyone but me.

I used to live in constant fear that one day I’d lose everything because I was fully convinced that everything I had was a dream meant for someone else. I had no right to be happy or be loved. I wasn’t worth that.

If a fairy Godmother ever happened upon my doorstop – you can bet my first wish would to be for her to make me someone else – and take away the hate I had in my heart for myself.

The me I saw in the mirror was just one big flaw – and most days – living with someone you hate that much becomes torture. Some days – you don’t want to live at all. You can’t see beyond the pain that the self-inflicted hate brings. You just want to be okay for one damn moment.

But I’m not that me anymore.

I mean obviously – I don’t look in the mirror and see Barbie. But the key is that I can at least look now.

I swear to you I used to not even be able to look myself in the eyes in a mirror without crying. The hate I had for myself would come out in tears within seconds….so I stopped looking in my eyes years ago. I only focused on the outer shell because it was all I could do.

Now I’m in a different place. I don’t know if it’s just age or what – but I’m comfortable with who I am.

I cannot tell you what that feels like. To not be putting constant 24/7 energy into trying to change who I am. My God – that was exhausting.

Now, if I want to buy hair extensions – it’s not because I hate my hair anymore. It’s because I’m fine with my hair but hell, if I want to enhance it – I’m damn sure I can pull that off and it’ll make me feel even better.

If I want to use Nutrisystem to lose some of Sheniqua – I will. If I don’t lose anything – meh. I’ll live. If I lose 20 lbs – get out of my way – cuz me and my bikini are gonna run your doubting ass over.

If I want to tell you how I feel I will now. I refuse to live in fear over losing you in my life because now I know I have others who will never leave me.

I’ve noticed lately I keep asking myself things like “when you’re 80 are you going to care that you pissed off so and so or will you regret that you stood silent?”

I used to only be able to think in the moment and live in the fear of it. I used to think everyone had to love me or I was Satan himself. I was consumed with needing everyone to love me – because maybe if I could accomplish that – then I could love me too right?

Wrong. Who gives a shit? Really!

Who.
Gives.
A.
Shit?

If so and so down the block hates me because I fart gumdrops why the hell do I care? She can dance on my grave when I’m dead. What am I going to do about it? To think that I would live my life differently or expend energy to try to get her to change her mind about me – just amazes me today. I mean really – it points to the fact that I have an ego problem.

It’s so hypocritical and ego-driven to have needed everyone to love me. Hell – I can’t even love me – why did I expect and need everyone else to? Try starting at home honey.

And while I’m still in awe of things like Rambo’s love for me…I’m to a point where I don’t question it and I allow myself to have it – without feeling guilty or holding on to it with white knuckles in fear that it will be ripped from me at any second. I will lose him one day but I can’t live in that fear. That does our love no justice at all and it can’t grow if I’m squeezing it to death in fear.

My heart is good – and that’s enough. I am not evil and I’ll give you my last penny if your need is valid. I am not less than any other human on this Earth.

I look how I look. I feel how I feel. I am who I am.

For the first time in my life, I’m not making apologies for the woman I see in the mirror.

I finally figured out that you don’t have to like me.

It is I who has to like me.

I can’t even tell you how it feels to be okay with me. It may sound simple…but it is earth-shattering over here in Care Bear Land.

So much so that the little shits are going to throw me a party later complete with cupcakes and sprinkles and a ride on the clouds.

You gotta love those Care Bears right? They’ve had it right from the beginning.

Face it – have you ever seen anyone as happy or self-loving as a damn Care Bear?

Yah, me neither.

31 comments:

Alison said...

You're spot on! Love this post x

Beth Ann said...

Love this post, Draz! I lived most of my life trying to the person that I thought other people would love. The funny thing is that once I started living in a way that I would love me...everything with everyone else just fell into place.

If you can go to bed each night feeling like you made the right choices for you...well, then I think life is good.

Rachellabelle - My Hips Don't Lie said...

That's an inspirational post if I ever read one. I'm thrilled for you. I am trying to get to the same place. :)

Becky said...

You know, I've had similar thoughts sometimes. I won't be purposefully hurtful to anyone if I can help it, but I won't hide myself and what I live for!

Jen said...

Pink Bedazzled Puffy Hearts

Cat said...

*Pink puffy hearts (outlined in 80s electric orange of course) with little bits of fluffy pink feathers on the edge.* Hot damn sista...I think you're on to something here. I too have the feeling that I want everyone to love me. Even people I actively dislike. It's a sickness with me. I am going to read this post again at least twice more and start loving me more. It is getting easier as I'm losing weight...and that whole topic makes me want to cry so shutting that door right now. :) Love you dearie.

Justawallflower said...

So, what did you do to get yourself to this point? With me, it's not so much about the looks. I'm somewhat plain, always have been, and don't have any issues with it. I prefer it actually! But I am not completely (or otherwise) happy with who I am, and try to make changes, but always wind up quitting the "act" and going back to who I am. eh, I guess I should just accept that! Glad you found the love tho. That is beyond wonderful!

Amanda said...

Fabulous freakin post! I like you too! Eff everyone else. ha!

Cece said...

::: applause ::: do you know how many people are afraid to do the self analysis that you've done? I credit the motorcycle (or nature would probably be more deserving) for allowing you the time and the ability to 'see' your place in the world and love it. Simply love it.

Vanessa said...

Love this post! I am just getting to that place myself! Long journey but it sure makes life better when you love yourself!

MandaPanda said...

So loving this! How much you've grown since I first started following you is absolutely amazing. And sweetie, you should totally love you because you are totally lovable. You wouldn't have someone like Rambo and followers like me if you weren't. I'm not quite where you are...but I'm getting there. And seeing you get there makes me believe I can too!

Shannon said...

yay for draz!!! ur amazing and such an inspirational person to look up to :)

MrsFatass said...

Wowza. Look who ate her Wheaties this morning!

The world better watch out - because YOU? Are AWESOME.

I heart you big as the sky, Draz.

~Lisa~ said...

Love this post - LOVE your attitude!! You've hit the nail on the head with this one, and I am proud of YOU for seeing the incredibly beautiful, wonderful person you are! And, it doesn't matter that I or anyone else knows that - as long as YOU know that...

Karen Butler Ogle said...

I hope to get to this place someday. Right now I have trouble meeting my eyes in the mirror.

Elizabeth said...

Love it :)

Stephanie said...

You have to be true to yourself. Fuck what everyone else thinks. most of them are idiots anyway! :) Always try and go through life with a smile on your face and in your heart...happiness will surround you!

Stace said...

It is great that you can communicate these feelings. So many people are going to benefit with your honesty here. :o)

Mrs. Pancakes said...

there is no one like you, there will never be another like you, so might as well enjoy you, yourself and you!

Lynda with a Y said...

I started to read this on my Google Reader and then I ran over here because I knew --within seconds of reading this post--that I had to comment. There comes a time in every woman's life where she says, "I don't care what anyone else thinks, this is for ME!" I'm glad your time is now.

P.S. Just cause I haven't been commenting lately doesn't mean I haven't been reading. : )

Ronnie said...

Good riddance! :) Welcome to the light, we all already love you. Knew you'd catch up sometime!

PS_Iloveyou said...

This post is full of awesome! You rock lady!

Lisa said...

Amen Sister! I am there too! :)

- Lisa
http://inweighovermyhead.blogspot.com/

Kelly said...

I so needed to read this today. Thanks for this post, Draz! My favorite Care Bear was Sunshine Bear, btw. =)

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

You go girl!!!

AutumnLeaves said...

I am 52 and your words could be my own...except I'm still unable to look at myself in a mirror, still hate myself. I don't think it will ever change.

Joanna said...

You are definitely getting a "yeah, what she said" today!!

You always tell me how strong I am - but I will tell you... it comes from learning more about you, reading your words every day that gives me the strength that I have.

I love everything about you - and the true honesty that flows from you is so refreshing.

I needed this post today. Thank you.

Hippo Nymph said...

AAAAAMEN!!!

Laura Belle said...

HALLELUJAH!!

Yeah! I'm so giddy happy for you right now that you feel this way! It's so hard to 'not worry' what other people think...I do it constantly. But once you start to not worry, it gets easier and easier to love yourself which makes you happier, which makes everyone else happy for you. It's an amazing circle!


I'm back though!! YEAH! I just love this post! Just made my tired ass all happiness-go-go!

Also, i'm so sorry i miss so many days, I just read through all your posts and the one about Rambo and work had tears in my eyes for him and his co-workers. What a vicious person...but that's why he's in prison, huh.
LOVE YOU & BIG HUGS!!

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

This post was written for me....today

Mary said...

You can be your own worst enemy. I like this post because I feel your sense of freedom and it's a great reminder to all of us to love ourselves. We all say so many negative things to ourselves and believe what we think others think about us. The truth is, we probably talk worse about ourselves to ourself than other people even think or care to spare their energy on over us. Keep on loving you and all the rest falls in place.