Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Italian Calf Hair

Today is botox in the armpits day. I have to admit me and my tender little pits are a little scerrrred. 25 pokes per armpit. I’m just going to focus on the fact that Rambo working with piles of poop is all worth it because I get to have Botox for free because of his great insurance. I’m guessing if you asked him, he might not say it’s worth it but this is me we’re talking about. Me and my dry armpits.

Moving past the armpits and onto Italian calf hair. Stay with me here – I swear to you I have a point. It’s not a good point – but I do have one.

I’d like to say that in my podunk little life, there are just some things I don’t give a shit about. One of them is Italian calf hair in general but mostly - on clothing.

I was flipping through a magazine last night…one I’d never gotten before. I think it was supposed to go to superstar down the street and it came to my house by mistake.

You’d have thought I was having a heart attack with the way I was gasping and grabbing my chest and “Oh my God-ing” as I flipped each page.

For the low price of a few hundred dollars you could buy an Italian calf hair belt that was about an inch wide or an Italian calf hair sweater for nearly one thousand dollars – if you really wanted to.

My question is – why would you want to?

I turned to Rambo and asked him if he knew about “Italian” calf hair. He – being the high class hick that he is – of course replies, “Yes, duh.”

He’s an effing liar. I will be the first one to admit I had no idea that calves even lived in Italy.

I asked what the difference was between Italian and American calves. (Of course then he pretends to be asleep)

Why is “Italian” calf hair better? Do they only feed the calves pasta? Do the calves pick grapes out of the vineyards with their hooves from 8 to 5 every day? Do they drink wine laced with 24kt gold?

Here’s the deal - in case I never mentioned it – I grew up on a farm. All I remember about calves is that from the moment they come out they are covered in some sort of slime or filth…and that’s how they prefer it. They eat a lot and poop a lot and then there’s the rubber band castration day and the scowers – oh my God – I just threw up remembering.

Let’s just put it out there that calf scowers is theeeee grossest word in the world. I don’t even think I’m spelling it right. If you don’t know what they are – please don’t ask. I’ve met my quota on talking about poop for one week, thank you.

Anywhoozle, why in the name of Michael Jackson’s one white glove would I want to wear anything that was on a calf at one point AND pay hundreds of dollars for it?

Calves taste good IN my belly. They do not look good ON my belly.

Women at work ask me a lot about where I shop…and I usually laugh. The answer is simple. Walmart, Kmart and Target. In fact I have a new shirt on today. With long white shorts. Total cost - $20.

High class, aren’t I? Don’t hate. Go to Walmart. There are 50 more shirts just like the one I got one.
Go getchu one.

That’s not to say I don’t shop in other places – I do…but the majority is at those three stores. And I have been known to pay way too much for something I simply cannot live without which is usually tied to some brand name (damn you Harley for putting pink rhinestone bling on a pair of jeans knowing I couldn’t leave the store without them!) but mostly - I could care less.

For me – I’d rather spend money on BIG things – like Harley motorcycless and boats or trips or remodeling or something. Not a shirt I wear to work where Explosive Man works with Martha Stewart’s nose up his ass.

They can suck my left titty if they don’t like how I look.

I’m pretty sure “Mr. I wear deerhunting orange to work” isn’t going to have much to say about my green shirt and white shorts from Walmart.

If he does – the right titty is available for suckage too.

And just so you know – if you LOVE Italian calf hair and you have your couches upholstered with it and your toilet paper is made out of it – I say “have at it”….to each his own. If that’s what you want to spend your money on and you love it – YAY YOU!

Send me your address because I have a magazine filled with Italian calf hair items I should send you if you want it. Oh wait – too late – it’s already being used in the cat litter box. Sorry.

Second – never ever take a tour of a farm with newborn calves. Ever. Um…cuz….you’ll want to get rid of your “Italian calf hair” couch when you get home.

I’m just sayin.


Chubby McGee said...

I'd rather shop at Target and Walmart than to look like an ass and spend $300 on one shirt (when I can get on for $20 at those stores). Even if I won the lottery tomorrow, I'd still be the same way.

I think it's a sign of maturity. That and...well...we can't take those things with us when we get 'em anyway?!?

Joanna said...

I'm right there with amazes me at some of the crazy crap people will be tricked in to buying.

It wouldn't suprise me one bit if the calves come from some normal, run of the mill farm. It takes about $3 of electricity to shave the calves, maybe a few dollars to make it into an item of clothing....and then let's charge $500 for the item. BONUS!!

Those are some smart people...I'm in the wrong business, that's for sure.

Maybe I should start saving the hair from my dog when she gets shaved. Who wouldn't want to buy a silky terrier scarf, right? It'd cost me about $10 to make...and I could sell it for $500 dollars...being that I could only make one every couple of months.

Rachellabelle - My Hips Don't Lie said...

For some reason I thought this post was going to be about body hair! hahaha Personally, I don't like animal hair products. I once had a calf hair purse and matching shoes (they were leopard print) and I couldn't get over the texture. It was just creepy. I received them as a gift and ended up donating them. Too bad because they were gorgeous...except they were made out of HAIR!

Laura Belle said...

Nothing like a good random calf hair story to kick start my day! I feel more energized than ever because I just spent that entire story clutching my extremely sore ab muscles laughing hysterically at the visual of you contemplating why calf hair products are more expensive than, say, a diamond bedazzled bra!

You make my day buttercup!

Hyla said...

Joanna, I think the calf hair is still connected to the calf... I dont think they shave the hair and then glue it to a leather belt.

Amanda said...

lol...that is what I did. Seriously. I am with you on the calf hair. I great up in the country..near loads of farms and calves are cute from a distance only!

Shannon said...

lol, i completelty agree!

target and walmart work for me :)

MandaPanda said...

I've never heard of this but it is calf HAIR, right? Not calfSKIN...because that would just be mean...

Karen Butler Ogle said...

I don't think I could wear anything made out of animal hair even if it were free. Gross. Who even thought of such a thing?

Bodacious Boomer said...

Although I eat beef, I don't eat veal. So the idea of a belt made from a baby cow is creepy to me.

And having a pack of perros at our house, I shop resale for all my finery.

Ronnie said...

AMEN! I'm a Wally World gal, too. I've found some of the best fitting jeans ever in that dang place.

Stace said...

I agree! You don't have to dress expensively to dress well. I would never spend more than $25 on a pair of jeans!

Justawallflower said...

Can I just say that I can't believe someone like you shops at Wal-Mart! Especially because your anxity is worse than mine, I believe, and even driving in the parking lot of that place gives me hives and panic attacks! I use to LOVE that store, but just can't do it anymore! As for Target, love, love, love it!

Oh yeah, one more thing, all of my calf hair clothes comes from Italy, just sayin.....

Barbara said...

Ok, I gotta say, I have NEVER heard of Italian calf hair, and to be honest I thought you were going to be writing about the legs of Italian women.. so there.. put me in the hick category too!!

Hugs XO

Robyn's Nest said...

The titles of your blog are so great- I can't wait to see what you come up with next.
Italian Calf Hair- who knew?

Catherine55 said...

LOL! I was thinking "I didn't know Draz was Italian.." and "Oh, problems with hair on the lower legs?" Then "wait.. her leg hair gets on her clothing?" Hee hee!

THANK YOU for the tip on Blogger! It is so nice to be able to comment again! :) And, thanks for your nice comment on my blog. I am really happy to have found Steve. :)

Beth Ann said...

I was not familiar with Italian Calf Hair either. It does not sound appealing, at all...

However, if I were rich, I would have no trouble spending money on lots and lots of crap. Me loves to shop. It was passed on from my mama and I can't help it. I can shop anywhere...Wal-Mart to Neimans. I do not care. :)

PS_Iloveyou said...

No thanks on the calf hair. Thats just WEIRD. Funny how they don't mention the SKIN that it's probably attached to. I guess that crosses the line???

Just this morning I saw a picture of a couch with cow skin/fur/hair on the bottom where you're ankles touch and got the heebie jeebies. I couldn't imagine actually wearing something like that... BLECH! I'll stick to synthetic fibers thank you!

Amanda said...

You can't argue price with Walmart. That said, I have to get up at some ungodly hour to go to mine because The Locals have made the aisles into traffic jams. Endless lines of carts, people chatting, no one respecting the few of us who just want to get in and get home with our groceries, thanks.

So I get up at 5:00 a.m. Because I'm cheap like that.

Sandy Lee said...

Ummmm. Don't the Italian's make really nice shoes out of leather and don't you just luuuuve shoes.

But what got me is that you actually saw a newly birthed calf. Yucky, yuck, yuck. A little cowgirl. Wow. No wonder Rambo (and us) luvs you so very, very much.

Bonnie said...


I was going more for Italian Calf on the

This post totally through me for a loop and made me laugh my ass off.....

Kelly said...

I'm sorry, I can't get past the 25 shots in each armpit part. Seriously? The things we ladies do for beauty.

Dawnya said...

you are hilarious!!

AutumnLeaves said...

Its hard enough knowing we eat animals (and I am right up there with the meat lovers of the world), but to kill them for wearing them? Nope...I shop at Walmart myself. Plenty of synthetics out there to keep me happy.

Lyla said...

I refuse to spend more than $20 on a shirt and it has to be very special for me to pay more than $10. I have a closet filled with designer clothes too- thanks to clearance at tj maxx, Macy's, and the banana republic/dkny/etc factory outlets.

Don't you know Italian anything is better? Especially when it comes from their very special cows. Have you seen the price of Italian leather?

Ice Queen said...

Class has nothing to do with one's bank balance, who's crotch you were yanked out of or how much you spend on a garment.

Class is innate. It is from within. You and your $20.00 Walmart outfit have plenty.

Just saying. :D

Cat said...

I have no clue what Italian Calf Hair is either. And your pondering of what makes them so special, if they are fed pasta etc made me howl with laughter!

I don't shop at Walmart, mostly because I've been scared away by the pictures on the "people of walmart" site. not kidding. Look it up.

I do however shop at Target and Kohls and they are my favies.

And I have to agree with Erika, you have plenty of class!