Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Mommy, why were you and Daddy naked?

Well folks – it happened.

Most of you know I have two kids. One is 10. One is 5. They are both girls.
They are the spawn of drama.  I have no idea where they get it.
I’ve escaped this horrid experience I shall recount below - until now.
A good, solid 10 years under my belt. I was on a roll.

Which is why I apparently got cocky. Or more accurately – Rambo literally got “cocky”.

Yup – you guessed it.

We got “caught”.

Oh yah – this from the girl who writes posts about this exact thing happening.
After it happened here to my friend, Mrs. Fatass - my mantra became “shut the door”.

Apparently part of my guilty conscience knew some day I’d be in this exact predicament.
Karma has slapped me in the ass.

Let me set the stage for you. It’s nothing all that brilliant – which is the problem. It was spontaneous.

Remember me? I’m the girl who schedules when I take a pee.
I don’t do spontaneous because it always backfires.
THIS story is proof.

We were getting ready to go to the fireworks. I had on a pair of shorts that were t-shirt-y material so unless you wear a thong, underwear lines are going to show. It was 105 degrees out and the less clothes the better so I opted to go commando. Therein lies the first mistake.

Rambo hugged me and his hands automatically figured out there’s only one tiny layer between him and “paradise”. Son of a bitch and icicle shitballs. I knew I was in trouble.

Our kids are intently watching TV.
He convinces me that we HAVE to do this, it CANNOT be avoided,
and the kids WON’T even notice we are gone.

Obviously I forgot on the way to the bedroom that the person talking to me has a penis
and therefore every word that comes out of his mouth is probably a lie.

So as not to be too specific and grotesque here (My God – I’ll lose 50 followers with this next paragraph I’m sure) let’s just say this was no romantic romp. There were no rose petals, candles or soft music.
Hell – there wasn’t even time to switch on the light.
And who needs a bed when there’s a hope chest at the end of the bed that works just fine?
And why take off your clothes when that’s just not necessary?

Nope – let’s just move them down or up or awry because we’re on a time limit here.

We ain’t Romeo and Juliet.

We’re more like the Roadrunner and Wiley Coyote. You can guess which of us is which.

And before you start lecturing me and calling the authorities and starting the witch hunt – I want to be clear.

RAMBO SHUT THE DOOR! We’re not nearly as stupid as we look.

Remember all of you “dessert” experts?
All you said I had to do was shut the door and everything would be alright.

This is the part where I call you all LIARS!!

Obviously some of you have children with manners - who knock when they approach a shut door.
Or children who don’t have the nickname “Curious George”.
Or children who don’t move when you put cartoons on.

I, however, have a child that is the opposite of the above.
She doesn’t know how to knock.
A closed door is like a puzzle and she must figure out what’s behind it.
And cartoons are just lame unless your parents are watching them with you.

Jesus, Mary and Bart. Kill me now. I’m having trouble typing this.

Okay moving on. We were done… (I told you it was quick)…but let’s just say we “held our positions”…
to bask in the afterglow.

Or cuz Rambo got a cramp in his leg and moving could be dangerous at our age.

And then?

Yup – the door opens. There stands the 5 year old.

Let me just say the only benefit to not even taking your clothes off is that in just such a predicament they sure do pull up fast and easy. Hmmm – fast and easy – sounds like someone I know. Shoot me now.

The next few moments are a blur. A flurry of clothing and hand motions and screams of “please get out” and “save me Jesus” and lights flashing and the earth shaking.

Okay maybe not that last part.

There was no, “You rock my world. I love you more than ice cream. That was amazing.”

There was only, “Get me out of this room so I can erase this moment from my memory.”

My little girl had left immediately.

She isn’t damaged – as far as I can tell.

Her head didn’t start spinning and she didn’t start speaking in tongue.
She stayed upright and she could still walk.

About an hour later after I’d thought we’d all survived, she said to me,
“Mommy, why were you and Daddy naked?”
My lips wouldn’t move. Probably because my tongue grew hives the size of my old boobs on it.

Rambo was nearby and I swear to you I have never loved him more than in that moment when he said:
“We were changing our clothes.”

She said, “Oh, okay.” And skipped out the door.
Yes, she still had enough brain cells to master skipping.

And I’ve never heard about it again.

Now apparently my kid isn’t all that smart.

Curious? Yes. Smart? No.

Because her mommy and daddy came out wearing the same clothes they wore
into the bedroom and she didn’t notice the error in our explanation.

For those of you thinking I had given up trying to win the “Pervert Mother of the Year” award…
well this little episode proves I’m still in the game.

Watch your backs. I’m taking home the trophy.

And here’s a little tip from me to you – free of charge. It’s not really about shutting the door.

It’s about locking the damn thing, mmkkaayy?

I’m working on a petition to get “LOCK THE DOOR” added as the 11th commandment.

Anyone willing to sign it?

44 comments:

Vanessa said...

Hilarious!!!

Laurie said...

I'm all over that 11th commandment.
I hope it was "good" for you.....did someone say "fireworks"? BOOM!

Christy @ My Dirt Road Anthem: A Runner's Blog said...

Ohh that's funny, in a it didn't happen to me sort of way. We got busted once and my husband ducked down on the far side of the bed and LEFT ME THERE. Like REALLY? Kid was only three then and he just though it was funny.

kellybmomof3 said...

So funny!! My daughter caught us in the act when she was 3. We were in the bed, under the covers. She came in our room and screamed, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" My husband answered, "Exercising". She said, "Okay" and left. UGH!

Amanda said...

Lolololol....hell I lock the dog out!!

Shannon said...

OMG I would have died on the spot! I think you dealt with that wonderfully!

I am so in favor of the 11th commandment, sign me up!

Stephanie said...

I have always been a fan of locking the door. Sarah is like a little 7 year old ninja. You literally would have no idea she is there, until you feel the finger poking into your back and the whisper of "mommy". Some things you can come up with a logical excuse for, but you can't explain oral sex away as "changing clothes" so for us, the door always stays locked during adult time.

I miss my little ninja now that she is gone for the whole month at the grandparents, but let me tell you, it sure is nice to be able to walk around naked and have a little afternoon delight and keep the door wide open!

Banded Mommy (Angie) said...

baaahahahahaha!!! Too funny... as I have said before my son has walked in on us even though the door is shut. Because of the position we were in we told him once that my hubby was rubbing my back and then the other time we told him that I really needed a good hug from him. We now lock the door. :)

Barbara said...

You are amazing.. this story is classic.. You make me smile.. just a classic

Karen Butler Ogle said...

I laughed my ass off at this even though I know it isn't funny when it happens. Do I speak from experience? Hell, yes. Only we weren't as creative with out explanation. Dail and I sat the children down and gave them the talk and reminded them about privacy when we were in our bedroom. The kids must have taken it to heart because they never walked in on us again. Or at least the girls never did. Nick is 21 and he has caught us since then. When it has happened since then he just shuts the doors and says he will come back later. Now we LOCK the door. Why we couldn't have learned about locks earlier is beyond me. Our girls were 8 and 9 when this happened and we felt they were old enough to know the truth. It didn't save us from comments for the rest of our lives though like "get a room" whenever we share a kiss or "gross, cut it out." Kids just aren't comfortable with mom's and dad's sex life.

MandaPanda said...

LMAO! Thank you for this! I got caught in a far more compromising position and we had to say we were "rough housing". Hanging head in shame...

Sweet Ever After said...

I think you were lucky it was your 5 year old and not your 10 year old!

It's time for a lock, I reckon. :)

meandmygizmo said...

I needed this huge laugh this morning!! Thanks! ;-)

MrsFatass said...

Good thing I'm not the kind of friend to say I told you so.

Ronnie said...

I would sign it! I've never been caught, but I can only imagine the horror.

Cat said...

Quick thinking on Rambo's part!! I so love your stories!!

Joanna said...

Yikes!!

It's stories like this that reminds me the wonders of having children... LOL

I'm a shut the door person - must start locking it.

The two older kids know better than to come near the room if the door is shut - they are yellers more than knockers.

Three year old? Another story. She thinks she owns the whole damn house - so if she were to wake up and see our door closed, that's an immediate invitation for her to wonder why the heck we've shut her out.

I will definitely sign!!

Vanessa @ Gourmet Runner said...

This is freaking hilarious! Love that she bought your excuse too! Just wait until she starts talking to you in front of people, "Mom, remember that time you and Daddy were naked in the room together?"
HAHA!

Amanda said...

Oh we totally lock the door. And we have the Emergency Backup Lock, because my children are persistent and if they really *really* want us? They are not above stealthily getting the little nail that opens the lock off the top of the door frame and busting in.

Changing clothes. Hee!!

Chubby McGee said...

LOL! We always lock the door. Lord knows I don't want to have this happen to me!

Jacquie said...

Made me smile Draz! Too funny!

Mary said...

I remember as a young teenager having a friend spend the night and we could "hear" my parents in their room. I was so embarrassed and mad at them, I walked right up to their door, knocked loudly and asked them to "Please quiet down. I have a friend spending the night!". I never heard another peep out of their room the rest of the evening! Matter of fact, its been over twenty years and never brought up now that I think about it... LOL

Jody V said...

There are tears streaming down my face! This is so funny! Glad Rambo is a quick thinker!!

Laura Belle said...

Tears. Tears are running down my face as I laugh so hard that now i've got the hiccups.

But I really sorry you had to go through that.

But I'm really glad you wrote about it.

Still crying. Now rolling on the floor.

Amanda Kiska said...

Love it!

Kelly said...

I'm at work reading this, and it's all I can do to NOT start literally laughing out loud!!!! Awesome.

DiZneDiVa said...

LOL... Changing clothes... Perfect! This was a hysterical retelling.

Kelly said...

Seriously woman, why the hell aren't you on Twitter?!

Rachellabelle - My Hips Don't Lie said...

HAHAHAHA Your hubby sounds a lot like mine. And yes, where there's penis, there's lies.

HAHAHA

I'm sorry, this post made me laugh SO much.

I'm glad Rambo came to the rescue with a brilliant excuse.

Sarah from Onmyweightohappiness said...

Oh my sweet jesus I can't stop giggling over this post! LMAO I am so glad Gage is young enough to not know anything but I am dreading the day he is old enough to walk in our room and really can see what is going on, thanks for the tip we will make sure to lock the door and teach the boy to knock first!
We did however get busted by my stepdaughter a few years ago she was like 9 at the time, we were so embarrassed, buck naked with her daddy on top of me, she opened the door and shut it quickly and went and watched tv, we were so scared to come outside the room, she never did mention it and we were too scared to say anything, we figured she would say something....total step mommy fail on handling that situation!

Stacey said...

OMG, I would have died right there! I remember "catching" my parents and I thought my dad was killing my mother. I ran up and hit him and tried to save her. Luckily, my kids never walked in on me.

Becky said...

Lol, your story and the comments have me rolling! Must. Buy. Lock. post haste!! Seriously, I think I'm going to buy one tonight!

Anna @ Breaking Up With Burgers said...

LMAO, hilarious post! Just what I needed to get me through my two flights home!

Meli said...

i love that you and your husband are still so hot for each other :)

Ice Queen said...

Bwahahahaha!

*rolling on the floor and dying with laughter*

We all get nailed, girl. It was going to happen sooner or later.

Now, remember to lock the door!

Bwahahahahaha!!!!!

Stace said...

Haven't been there yet, but man....thanks for the warning!!

Bonnie said...

Great post....I will take your advice and run with it, seeing as mine son is 6 and he has yet (hopefully never) to see this happen in my house.....

wait I forgot, I need sex for this to happen....something my hubby says is lacking in my household....hahaha

Manda said...

LMAO. Very very funny! Thank God, I haven't been caught by the kiddos. I'm sure it will happen though (hoping not at all as well). I have been caught by my mother. :)

Samanatha said...

all I can say is "ahahhahahahhahahaha"

:)

Beth Ann said...

Sobe Zero Macintosh Apple Cherry through the nose, thank you very much. Hee!

Dawnya said...

Hilarious!!! I love this story...I mean I can just picture this whole scene...and it makes me laugh even harder. You rock!!

AutumnLeaves said...

Well, that was downright hysterical. Poor Draz...

mirilapband said...

LOL Definitely door lock time. But you guys must be pretty quiet! A friend of mine got a knock on the door and was asked in the middle of the night if she was in pain... she said, no sweetie, just really happy! .... I was amazed that she could think of that!

My kids are grown and I notice they tend to go to the loft and watch TV really loud when V is visiting. LOL. (20 somethings!)

Dizzy Girl said...

I'm just jealous that someone is getting some, cause it sure ain't me.