Tuesday, July 26, 2011

More poop and prisoners plus sweat and sex.

Honestly - if that blog post title doesn't sucker you in - I'm not sure what would.

I would like to say thank you to all of you that blatantly commented about your outrage on the prisoner poop pile sitcheeation. (yes, I spelled that wrong on purpose)


You make me feel sane again.

When Rambo tells me about a prisoner stockpiling poop and I’m passed out and later vomiting and yelling, “Stop – no more – I beg of you!”HE is calm. It’s no big deal to him.

The man is used to poop being smeared on walls and piles of human poop in tiny little cells.

USED TO POOP!  HUMAN POOP.  ON A FLOOR.  IN PILES.  ON WALLS.

I’m betting you don’t like Rambo as much as you did about 30 seconds ago right?

Let it be known that I’d prefer to be married to a man who thinks poop piles are a tragedy to mankind because it’d just be easier that way.  (I'm too tired to trade him in for a newer, younger poop-hating model though.so I have to keep him.)

But anyway – when I begin to think that my gagging at his story and having nightmares about it are weird - like maybe I’m the only one that thinks pooping in a corner on camera is crazy - well, I just read your lovely comments.

I especially love my follower who professes every inmate should wear diapers and they should have to change each other’s diapers until they learn to poopoo in the looloo like normal human beings. Bravo! I may seriously contact the warden today with that suggestion!

I asked Rambo if anyone cleans up the f*ckwad’s cell and he said, “Nope. Not right away.  He can live in it – we have higher priority issues at hand.”

Did I mention it’s 100 bazillion degrees hotter than Satan’s crotch in the prison with no windows or moving air and 500 men who don’t shower daily – now along with piles of poop that are allowed to STAY piles of poop for good portions of time?

Again I say – I cannot deal.

Again I say – I’d rather be forced to go shopping with Casey Anthony for OJ Simpson’s birthday gift.

The only other thing I’d like to report is that I’m getting botox in my armpits tomorrow. I shall remain the crazy gumdrop farting, Skittle bath-taking lunatic that I am but I will no longer sweat.


I did ask the doc if my armpits stop sweating – will other places sweat more? Like will sweat start shooting out my ass because it can’t come out my armpits anymore?


She said no. Let’s hope she’s right.

I don’t qualify for Botox for migraines because the criteria is very strict. You must have almost daily migraines…oh well – did I mention I won’t be sweating anymore?

Lastly, remember the stupid 3rd job issue I’ve been having with the Public Service Commission? I’ve been STRESSING. Not over necessarily the fact that there’s a problem with our yearly reporting because I am, after all – human…but more that I have no idea how to fix the problem.

I’ve had countless convos with 3 other clerks and gone over the numbers with Rambo incessantly. I’ve emailed him way too many times to cry and say life is ending to which he only says, “Baby doll…don’t worry…it’ll be okay.”

He’s dumb. He has no idea if it’ll be okay.

Until last night. I figured it out. I was screaming and hollering and flitting around the house like a fairy on meth with a new tutu and sparkley shoes.

I went out to the living room to share the good news and give Rambo a high five!

I yelled to him, “Aren’t you proud of me?”

His reply?

His ONLY freaking reply – after he high-fived me?

“Wanna go have “woohoo you figured it out I'm so proud of you way to go” sex now?”

This is my life. Pretty classy huh?

Don’t hate.

I’ll sell him if you want him.

Cheap.

Yes – to recap – my blog is now about poop, prisoners, armpit sweat and sex 24/7.


Jesus, Mary and Edgar. I need to stick to Nutrisystem, don’t I?

22 comments:

Andrea said...

LOL @ "I’d rather be forced to go shopping with Casey Anthony for OJ Simpson’s birthday gift." Good luck with the botox, that is awesome they can do that!

Karen Butler Ogle said...

LOL. Yes. Call the warden and make that little suggestion. Be sure to give me credit. I might revolutionalize the whole prison system of dealing with naughty prisoners.

Good luck with the Botox. I hope it goes well and isn't painful. I look forward to hearing about it tomorrow.

Liz said...

I loved so much about this blog that I can't possibly comment on each thing that made me snort.

I love you, Draz.

Dawnya said...

I puffy heart Rambo. Celebratory sex is always needed. LOL

I'm use to shitty prisoners...so I can understand his calm. What I can't stand is shitty prison workers. LOL

Cat said...

I adore you and your sex life! I also love that I know there is no way in hell you'd trade your darlin Rambo in as you adore him just about as much as he adores you!!

I also love the fairy on Meth metaphor after figureing out the problem. You are so awesome!

*sparkly hearts for you!*

Laura Belle said...

I'm with Liz: just snorting away here at my desk. You bring the most amazing giggle noises outta me, it's kinda scary. lol!

So SO glad you figured out the problem! Yesss!

And the crap that is Rambo's job, literally, is horrible. Just horrible. Feel for you sista!

Amanda Kiska said...

Rambo needs a raise. Seriously.

Doesn't it drive you crazy that he tries to have sex with you all the time?

Ronnie said...

I wish I had someone to give me "woohoo you figured it out I'm so proud of you way to go" sex. Sadface. :)

Ice Queen said...

Yay! I knew you could do it!

I am pretending that the poop thing doesn't exist. Can't think about that...

*barf*

After constant exposure, we can acclimate to just about anything. Hell, I can wade in and make any size, shape spider buy the farm. Had to after living in Highland Pines for almost five years. So it stands to reason that Rambo can cope with shit piles. (Of both the gooey and human variety.)

I can't wait to hear how your pit-toxing goes. I hope that this procedure brings you the sweet relief you need so very much. Fingers crossed for you that all goes well. (((hugs)))

Joanna said...

You certainly have an interesting life...no doubt about that. Just imagine how totally freaking bored you'd be if none of this stuff ever happened to you!!!

I love it!!

Beth Ann said...

Yeah...I skip over the cake baking in the prison cells parts of your post. I say cake baking because I can't stomach the other. I hope you don't hate me. Ugh. Poor Rambo and all Rambo-like folks at the prison.

Sex is to Rambo as Food is to me. Ha!

MandaPanda said...

Hmmm...for someone so opposed to poop, you sure talk about it a lot.

I'm happy you figured out the reporting glitch! I know how frustrating something like that can be. Rambo sounds a lot like my hubby sometimes. I'm pretty sure all men are wired that way. That's why they're cheap to begin with. LOL.

Cece said...

I said last night (don't remember the context) - but I said the words: I cannot deal. And then silently said: ibid; Drazil and Sheniqua's better 90%

Stace said...

you wouldn't trade or sell that man for anything in the world?! am I right?! lol.

Rachellabelle - My Hips Don't Lie said...

I think you just found the title for your autobiography. haha

Crystal said...

Hi there!

*Newest Follower*

I hadnt made it past the title and I was already LOLing! Looking forward to checking out more of your posts!

http://crystalslapband.blogspot.com/

FitBy40 said...

I laughed so hard about the Casey Anthony/OJ thing! I almost woke up my kids. You crack me up daily girlfriend!

Mrs. Pancakes said...

lol....you have such a way with words...have you thought about going into comedy?!

~Lisa~ said...

The poop saga.. I read it even though the smart part of my head is screaming, "don't read this, don't do it... NOOOOO!!!!" It's like driving past an accident - you don't want to look but you can't help it...

Hey, nothing wrong with a little "congratulatory" sex!! Like Dawnya, I puffy heart Rambo too!

This post was a hoot!!

AutumnLeaves said...

Hoping those shots don't hurt too much today, Draz. I'm a wimp when it comes to shots. I had to laugh at Rambo's response to your excitement over solving the work issue! Ah to be a guy...life is just so simple to them! LOLOL

Samantha said...

just LOL. yup.

and I have to make sure my hubby never reads about Rambo. He'll get all sorts of ideas and you all will never see me again!

PS_Iloveyou said...

*laugh*Snort*giggle*

The above has been my lunch break sounds as I have been catching up on your blog.

We're you sweating like a whore in a confession booth on a regular basis or did you just decide you didn't want to sweat anymore? Did I miss that post?

Rambo certainly needs a raise but at least you are able to give him some bonuses at home like the 'woohoo you figured it out' sex. hehehehe!