Monday, July 25, 2011

More Ss, Ms and JPDs!

It’s Monday (good thing I told you or you wouldn’t have known huh?)…so in Care Bear Land that means I don’t have a lot of brain cells at my beck and call. Therefore – you’re gonna get the blog that requires no explanation but the below.


I’m going to do Ss, Ms and JPDs. If you don’t like it…well fine. Remember the new me? I don’t give a fat witch’s left titty if you don’t like something I do. But seriously – it’d be nice if you read it anyway. Um – like pretty please.

Definitions:

S – shockers
M – morsels of info
JDP – just plain dumb things

Shocker: I got in a car without Rambo and drove my SAD (social anxiety disorder) ridden ass to a family picnic. I did not die. I didn’t even get hives. I sweated like Whitney Houston about to take a drug test but I survived.

Morsel: I cleaned the bathroom this weekend – which included the toilet. You all know how much I hate toilets and any word that starts with a P related to the toilet area right? I swear to you I gagged the whole time. When Rambo got home I told him how incredibly heroic I was for cleaning the toilet. That made him think of poop – at work. The latest prisoner on his “shit” list (I crack myself up) is a guy who has taken to smearing his poop all over the walls of his cell. Yes, I was dumb enough to ask if the inmate uses his hands to do this. (He does.)


Rambo noticed on the camera that the guy is stockpiling his poop.

Yes people – that is correct. There is a pile of poop in this guy’s cell in the corner.

Now can you say dumb? I mean it’s one thing if I get to go poop in Explosive Man’s house in the corner and run away BUT to poop in my OWN corner where I can’t get away from it?

Does this person have a brain?  Is he human?

I simply cannot deal.

Morsel: I’m going to get a Botox consultation today for my armpits. Yupper – hopefully soon this little raving over-sweating lunatic will never sweat from her pits again. I’m sure it’ll hurt like a mo fo but whatever. Beauty is pain right? Then again – not sweating really isn’t beauty is it? Whatever. My insurance pays for it so I don’t care. And while I’m there I’m checking on Botox for my migraines. Holy red rhino peckers – can you imagine – no migraines and no sweat??????

Just Plain Dumb: Jenny nor I have won the lottery yet – so we are both stuck still working numerous jobs to be able to allow our husbands to live in luxury. Ha!

Job #3 is kicking my MOOLY ass right now. I cannot satisfy the PSC to save my azz I tell you. And let’s just be honest. I’m stressing. We’re talking government agencies and mucho dinero and tax figures for entire villages and blah blah blah. Please someone – get me the f*ck out of here.

Shocker: Did you know kids will still not clean their rooms even if you take away their food? One more point scored for me in the Mother of the Year competition right here. My 5 year old wanted a peanut butter sandwich. I said no – not until she cleaned her room (which I’m not kidding you – you cannot see the floor). Yup – that’s me – the mom who withholds food from her child.

I rival Barney when it comes to being good with kids, don’t I?

In fact, I used to be Barney but purple just got old so I became a traitor and moved to Care Bear Land where all the pretty pastel colors live. Sue me.

That or come live with me there. It’s fun pretending the real world doesn’t exist.

You should totally try it.

20 comments:

Karen Butler Ogle said...

If I were inn charge of inmates like that, I would totally restrain them to their beds and put diapers on them. Then I would make other inmates takes turns changing the diapers when they misbehave. There should be plenty of those to go around. I'm just mean like that. I went through a bad time years ago and was locked up in the state hospital for a suicide attempt. It was bad but I tell ya, they didn't put up with bad behavior there. People were restrained and sedated when they acted up and caused disruption. It sounds like a little of that could be useful where Rambo works. If people are going to act like fruitloops they ought to be treated that way.

Linda said...

Oh get me some extra botox - please. My sister in law used botox for a long time for her migranes. It helped and them it stopped, but she said it was worth it while it lasted.

Alejandra said...

1) the poop on the walls thing is freakin' disgusting. i just gagged! how do people do stuff like this?
2) like Linda said, the "block" may not help long term. also, it's hard to get the block to begin with, because you have to inject in a very specific spot which is not always easy to reach.

I get daily migraines, so if you get an injection for yours, let us know if it works! I am desperate for a solution to mine.

Katie J said...

I hope the Botox works wonders for your pits and your pain! That is just too cool that it can help those to ailments.

I am not beyond getting it done on my face ;-) It is just pretty pricy!

Fat in Suburbia said...

The whole poop thing made me gag. How in the world do grown humans act that way? Good luck with the Botox and have a great week :)

Jessica said...

I once had a student that sweat soooo badly that he literally "pitted" through his letterman!!! (Just felt the need to share...:)

Angela Pea said...

LOL!! I do that food thing with my teen sons ALL THE TIME! "You will clean your room before your next meal". I actually took a chip out of The Architect's hand yesterday, escorted him to his room and told him "Not another bite of anything until you put away these clean clothes that I have already asked you to do at least four times in the past three days!!" Food is such a powerful motivator for the starving teen boy crowd.

FitBy40 said...

I'd like to know if this inmate has a roommate! Good God, that's crazy.
Proud of you for going to the picnic alone. You're doing great. See, you're always stronger than you think you are!

Dazee Dreamer said...

honestly, I just don't understand the mentality of prisoners. Maybe that is why they are one and I'm not. I myself would try my dangest to stay on the good side of the guards. weird.

Cat said...

I think I have to agree with Dazee. The mentality of the prisoners that your poor Rambo has to work around is mind boggling to me. I guess that is why they are prisoners and we are not. Obviously societal norms don't apply.

I'm so proud of you for handling the picnic without hives. You are a kick ass beeyotch. SO Proud!!

Elizabeth said...

poop = beyond disgusting! Poor Rambo!

Kids = difficult and trust me it wont get any better :) However, "all your back to school clothes are being returned" did work wonders in the room cleaning dept this weekend!

MandaPanda said...

OK>..the poop thing is just plain gross. Seriously...Rambo guards animals.

As for Worst Mother of Year. Imagine how this looked: We went to a local pizza place yesterday. Apparently they don't do pasta. My oldest HATES pizza so we ordered her a salad which she loves (I know...she was obviously switched at birth) and my youngest slept through the entire meal. So if you walk by us, you'd probably think I'm a fat pageant mom. Hubby and I eating pizza, giving our oldest skinny girl a salad and not letting our chubbier younger one eat at all! Real nice.

Lee Ann said...

When you train a puppy, you give them a crate so small that if they poop, they will have to lie in it. Perhaps those cells need to be so tiny that the inmates can't walk away from it. *gag* Not all the inmates, bc I have a heart. Just the ones with fecal incontinence.

Oh and if you get a MOTY (mom of the year) nomination, then I do too. My 3 year old will work for popsices and ONLY popsicles.

Rachellabelle - My Hips Don't Lie said...

I hate cleaning up after other people. Period. Even if those other people are my adorable husband. I still don't want to clean up their _ _ _ and _ _ _ _. Blech!

And wow, shouldn't prisoners like that be medicated? There's got to be some kind of drug that stops people from playing with their excrement. Yuck!

Kelly said...

Eeuww! Poop in the corner? Gag me. And apparently I must be the only person in the world that didn't know botox could prevent sweat.

Andrea said...

WHY in the world would someone stockpile their poop?!?! GROSS!

Ice Queen said...

When Patrick was little, he would refuse to clean his room and I took a green trash bag into his room and just started loading everything and anything in it. That brought him to attention really quick. He told me he would clean his room if I stopped. I did and he did. From then on, if he started getting snotty about cleaning his room, the sight of me, green bag in hand headed for his room was all that was needed to get him to get in there and get it done. Rapidly. :D

I have heard that Botox can help with headaches. I should talk to my doc about that.

AutumnLeaves said...

Rather like Karen's idea of how to deal with such inmates. Or sedate them to the eyeballs after they clean up their messes. I couldn't deal with that either. Glad I didn't go into that line of work. And please...do take me to Care Bear Land with you.

Laura Belle said...

You cleaned the toilet?! YOU?! I about passed out from shock on that one. Way to get over the toilet demons!! I'm so proud.

Ummm, the poo thing with Rambo...there are just no words. Gross-fest.

Good luck on the Botox thing!! I think i'll work great for you and for your migraines. Ya, migraines suck green rhino balls in satan's outhouse btw. Damn migraines.

PS_Iloveyou said...

What??? Why would these people do that?? UM EW!!! I mean you would think they didn't have a sense of smell... Isn't that the first thing they would think of? How can you even think when you're surrounded by stink??

Rambo is BRAVE!