Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Positions, chickens and other life enhancements.

I have a couple of thoughts to share that will enhance your life immensely. You’re gonna wonder how you ever lived without these little beads of knowledge. I swear on mini mint midgets. For realz.


1. I’m pretty sure you all want to tell me to SHUT UP about the prison and the worry I have for Rambo but here’s the thing. I can’t. If I write it out then I’m not keeping the worry in.

Therefore I’d like to say – holy pink porcupine penises – what the f*ck? TWO days in a row Rambo’s gas mask has malfunctioned. He suited up and went in on an inmate yesterday and got gassed through his mask. Yesterday – the air handler didn’t work right and MANY staff and inmates were exposed to gas.

Rambo said it was chaos. Multiple inmates have asthma so they cannot be gassed and they were throwing up and calling Rambo – meanwhile Rambo’s first priority is to get the exposed staff safe first. The thing about gas is that once you take a shower – the gas re-exposes you so you feel the effects all over again. Lots of fun for Rambo. I just get irritated sometimes. Period.

2. Just for the hell of it – go to your stats in your blog and see what words people have searched out your blog with. I promise you’ll get a good laugh. Here are a few of mine as of late:

making out + my dress +vagina < (I'm sure I've NEVER discussed all three of these at once)

and the best one:

Does Martha Stewart have camel toe?3. Chickens lay eggs. I know – shocking isn’t it? Did you fall off your chair? This little fact is brought to you by the fact that my parents bought chickens. 5 red ones. So they can have fresh eggs. Funny because my mom doesn’t eat eggs…only my dad does. Funny how she calls me up frantic, hyperventilating, saying, “Do you need eggs? We have too many. We can’t eat them all? I need cartons. Will you take them?”

Hmmm – newsflash…chickens lay eggs. One a day in fact.


4. Liars suck. I work with a girl who no lie – ate out EVERY single day at a fast food joint. She had an entire drawer full of candy and chocolate. She drinks soda all day long. Her breakfast consisted of a Little Debbie washed down with a donut. She did not work out.

Even with all of this she’s probably only 30ish lbs overweight and doesn’t look like it as she is very tall. However, she had her annual doc appt and they told her that her cholesterol was off the charts and she needed to lose weight. So she has.

Yesterday when a co-worker asked her what she has done to lose weight so fast she hoity-toitily (yes – that’s so a word) declared that she had changed nothing except that she walks 2 miles a day – that’s it.

SLAP MY ASS and call me HOMER SIMPSON if that’s true!
Holy teal toad turds people – she’s a freaking liar.

She no longer eats out – EVER. She has NO candy drawer. She RUNS every morning. The only snacks in her office now are carrots and apples.

She might not be full of fat anymore but she’s full of shit and it pisses me off because now my friend who asked her is upset and jealous. Because honestly – just add 2 miles a day and change nothing else and apparently 30 lbs falls off of you?? I call bullshit again.

You never changed anything like my left tit leaks gold. Sure.

5. You’re going to think I’m being an ass (as usual) but I’m seriously asking this question. Remember a long time ago when we discussed shaving the vagizzle in way too great of detail? Well the thing is – we never discussed “positions”. I’m all about the vagizzle that looks like a cabbage patch kid’s smooth bald head BUT I think there must be an easier way to accomplish this rather than tying myself into a pretzel and pinching nerves in my neck.


Seriously – yes – I’m asking. How do you sit or stand when you shave paradise? And while we’re at it – what’s the position you use to paint your toes?


Lately I have found that if I sit in the bath and leave one leg straight down in the water and raise the other one as high as I can like a Vegas showgirl – well – paradise regions are more readily accessible. The problem with this? Well – old chumpy asses like me can only hold this position for about .34 seconds before I start to swear. And well? Remember me – I’m the woman who has no privacy and I never lock the bathroom door when I’m in the bath in case the girls have to pee (they can’t seem to walk to the other bathroom)? I have been mid-excessive spread eagle scissor leg girl with a shaver in my hoo-hah and my kids have to come in and pee. Um yes – there are some things I just can’t explain away so this position only works if I know I’m alone.


Seriously – do some of you sit? Do you stand? Hunched over? Upside down? Propped up on the sink?


There’s got to be an easier way, right? Someone rock my world with an answer.


And the toes? Is it just me or is there no good position to paint one’s toes without feeling like I can’t breathe? Do you prop your foot on a chair? Sit on the floor? Sit open Indian style?


Or say f*ck it and let someone else do your damn toes? There’s got to be a way I haven’t thought of yet – right?


**********************************************************

That’s all I got. Was it good for you? I hope so – now get to work – I need answers on #5.
Oh and you have an assignment on #2. There’ll be a test later. Be prepared.

28 comments:

Cat said...

You rock my freaking world girlie. As for the shaving, I sorta do it similar to shaving my legs. One foot propped up in the shower. I only do the sides and top part so there is a landing strip in the middle. (Really? Landing strip could I not think of anything better to call that patch?)

As for #4 - I may not tell people about my band but I don't hide the fact that I've reduced my portions, increased my protein and workout in the gym every single work day. The "Oh, I only changed one teeny thing about my day" is bullsh*t and why would someone feel the need to lie about that stuff anyway? I don't get it.

So sorry about Rambo and his job. Definately sorry for him, but mostly sorry that it causes you so much worry and stress dearest.

Dawnya said...

The prison needs to re fit the staff for their masks. They can file an OSHA complaint if they don't. It is causing a hazardous work environment.

I stand in the shower and do it blindly...while lifting my fat stomach so as not to shave the wrong thing. LOL However, I also use a trimmer before I start to make it as low as possible.

I pay the little asian lady to polish my toes. My stomach is in the way.

Here are 3 stats on my blog...Black Piss blogspot, tattoos and titties, and eating boobs. LOL

Angela Pea said...

What Dawnya Said!! Those masks need to be refit for all the staff...and an OSHA complaint is certainly in order if the powers that be refuse.

Chickens lay eggs? Really.

Position? I stand at the sink with one foot up on the counter top...shave that side then switch legs. This position keeps the 'folds' pulled flat while I shave.

vickyd said...

First, I have to say that my co-workers think I'm a lunatic because I'm sitting over here almost crying over this...have you ever tried to laugh quietly? It just doesn't work.

I don't get tired of hearing about your worry for Rambo. He has a dangerous job and I think it's only normal that you would worry. They should definately get those masks refit.

I agree with Cat on the lying...although I don't tell people about my band I do tell them that I am working with a Nutritionist, decreasing portion sizes and working out. I just don't get why people lie about stuff like that.

To shave, I have a little seat in my shower so I hike my leg up on there but I still have to do a contortionist act and shave blindly cause the excess skin on my tummy's in the way.

For my toes, I pay a lady at the salon to do it...much easier that way and she does a MUCH better job than I do.

Robyn's Nest said...

I pay someone to do my toes.
As for position- I have a cool shower chair from when I had a broken ankle and I prop my leg up on that (with the shower curtin closed). I have considered paying someone to do a brazilian wax but I am not sure I can go through with it. It has to HURT.
And seriously, something needs to be done about those gas masks. That can't even be legal.

Banded Mommy (Angie) said...

Ok soo I sit on the side of the tub with my feet in. Kinda on the edge of my butt. It is pretty comfortable and I never have any issues with it. I also just recently got a bikini wax... really not that bad. I get my brows waxed and it is just as bothersome as that is so I say anyone who hasn't just go for it. I also had my underarms done and I will never save them again...totally the way to go.
As far as my toes... I pay someone to paint those bitches... because I cannot stand trying to sit like a pretzel and do it myself. Call me lazy if you want but I feel quite ok with paying $30 for someone to scrub, clip, massage and paint my feet once in a while.

Losing It said...

I totally pay someone to paint my toes. I'm too self conscious to get someone to wax my whooha. I one leg up on the tub, pull my fat out of the way and shave. Annoying, but it semi works well. Have you thought of a mirror strategically placed?

I'd be a mess if my hubs did Rambo's job.

Ronnie said...

I sit cross-legged and paint my toes, just because I couldn't ever really breathe if I tried to put my leg up and bend over and all that before losing some weight... and now it's just habit. As for the vagizzle... I sit on the edge of the tub. LOL

Sarah from Onmyweightohappiness said...

Shaving tip: Have Rambo do it ;) I shave mine sometimes but majority of the time the other half shaves mine. He obviously can get all the spots and it leads up to mommy & daddy time LOL Wow did I really just admit that to the public?

Beth Ann said...

Does Martha Stewart have cameltoe? HAHAHAHAHA!!! I've had TWO people find me through "mighty texas dog walk". Wha? But my favorites are "37 is my lucky number" and "beth anna sweet throat". Heh.

Samanatha said...

.... I'm starting to think I'm the only gal that doesn't regularly shave her lady bits.. I hate the itchy of regrowing (which i get the very next day) ... for me it's either wax it or au naturel. As for toes, I also totally have the little asian gals do it. They stay in the lines (on the nails) and make pretty flowers too!

Liz said...

I pay someone to both paint my toes and rip the hair out from my vajayjay! I haven't painted my own toes in......well, it's been at least 15 years.

As far as waxing, shaving makes me askeered for regrowth and itchies. You get it with waxing too, but less often. After the first time, it gets easier.

Read said...

Not only does the jail need to have the masks refit, the filters need to be tested. It's totally two different things and many people around the world only test the fit and not the filters. One of the things my company makes is a portable gas mask tester that we sell to the military among others and we had to show them how many of their masks failed from the stand point of the filters - it was appalling! (that was quite a few years ago and most people have adopted the appropriate standards - but make sure that's in the OSHA complaint).

I use the magic shave lotion and it just magically makes the hair fall right out - it's a beautiful thing and no pretzle making necessary. For toes - I either prop them up on a little otoman in front of my chair or I prop them up on the side of my tub (I use that method when I'm touching up). And - I do also pay someone else to do it for me.

Draz... listen to me.... this is very, very important.... Are you listening???
LOCK YOUR DAMN DOORS WHENEVER YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING YOU DON'T WANT YOUR LITTLE ONES OR YOUR MOTHER ASKING YOU ABOUT!!!

Love you!!

Laura Belle said...

1. I wish Rambo didn't have such a dangerous job. And i'm wishing that you wouldn't have to worry so much. all around not good.

2. A few: "hot air balloon of fat lady bending over" (What?), "beer dogs and", "jug-n-plug t-shirts"

3. I had no idea eggs came from chickens. Hum. Good to know.

4. I strongly dislike people like that. just fess up to your hard work woman!

5. I put my foot on the step in our tub and then open my hips really wide, bend over, and pray to the Lord Almighty that I don't fall and shave off an eyebrow.

(BTW: did you see my post today? I thought it was Thursday. I'm an A+ idiot.)

Stacey said...

I put my leg up on the shower wall and shave that way.

I pay to have my toes done, I don't like the way they look when I do them.

"My coworker shooting me," "Cookies are my nemesis" and "Creepy girl" have brought people to my blog. Creepy girl has brought in a whopping 49 views....I think that probably says something about my blog.

Jody V said...

Everyone wanted to know what was so funny...now we're all laughing here at work! You are too funny! Defintely don't mind hearing about Rambo's job. The stress must be tough on all of you.

Erin said...

I would be scared shitless if my hubby's gas mask was malfunctioning, too! I hope he stays safe.

As for shaving, I put one leg up on the side of the tub while showering and shave everything below. I bend ALL the way over and make it happen. Yes, even up the asscrack. I hate hair!

Now, when painting the toes, which I rarely do, there is no "easy" way. I just sit my fat ass in a chair and bend over. The boobs and stomach make it hard to breathe, but it gets done!

Good luck to you!

MandaPanda said...

Fascinating stuff here. As for shaving the lady bits, I'm lucky enough to have a little shelf in my shower that I can prop my leg up on so that works fairly well for me. I haven't painted my toenails in YEARS so I can't help with that one. Worry away about Rambo. I'd be freaking out daily if my hubby worked with inmates all day and liars do suck!

Bodacious Boomer said...

I'm lucky kiddo. The hubs just loves, loves, loves defuzzing paradise. He thinks it's more fun than roller coaster.

As for the toes, I just fork over $20 to a Vietnamese lady who babbles away. Of course I have no idea what she ever says, but I can live with that as long as she does a good job.

PS_Iloveyou said...

My blog not being very popular (yet) only has one search term and its a WTF one! ready? "rhpc wedding" what is RHPC? At first I was like Rocky Horror Picture Show? But then I realized it didn't match (yah slow on the uptake..)

Anyways as for the nails I paint my toes in the kitchen at the table. I sit in one chair and face another one towards me and prop my foot up on it for painting. Thats when I'm feeling to cheap to go out to the mani-pedi place down the street.

And last but not least for the VaJ-J shaving I stand in the shower with one leg propped up on the side of the tub and then squat a bit. Really you're working out and shaving at that same time that way!! Anyways that gives me enough space to maneuver in that area and get things cleaned up. Have you thought about a Brazilian wax? Now That would be something to blog about!!

I'm worrying for your Rambo too now. Keep that dude safe!

Oh and for that lady that is SUCH a liar, kick her in the head. She's making the rest of us look bad. The End!

Debi said...

1. You are completely justified in being freaked out by this. I'm with Dawnya on filing an OSHA complaint if it doesn't get fixed pronto.

2. The only funny one I have is this: "how to burn baby one week" No idea what that is supposed to mean!

3. What color eggs to red chickens lay?

4. I second your call of Bullshit!

5. I swear by my pedicures. They do a much better job than I ever could!

Sandy Lee said...

Wow you get lots of comments. I'm number 22 unless someone comments before me. You are so special and it's ok to worry and tell us everything. We care. I'd be frantic about the gas. Just sent you an e-mail but want to say less than 3 months before Chicago and our great group hug. Love you sweetie.

Rachellabelle - My Hips Don't Lie said...

Ok, you're going to love these search phrases:
1. Sex for feedees. (I wrote one stinking post about that woman who wants to weigh a thousand pounds and it gets more hits than my entire blog. For reals.)

2. Open shower naked yoga YMÇA. (Ok, so I've probably used these words, but not strung together in a sentence or anything.)

I hate painting my own toes, because even at my smallest, I have D cup boobs. I can't breathe either. I thought it was just me. I get bi-weekly pedicures.

Laura:: said...

So I absolutely LOVE reading your blog. You were one of the first people who started following me! And let me tell you, your posts are always so great! I'd love to have you guest post or offer you a free add space!

I know I don't have a lot of followers but it's free so no harm in putting it up for awhile!

Let me know if you have any questions or want to take the offer!

Fairdale Diaries

Laurie said...

You are so creative, funny and fucking amazing. I want to hang out w/ you so bad, with or without you shaving your vajizzle.

Leanne said...

I say fuck it and let someone else wax my lady parts personally. Then, for the toes, when I do it myself (weekly since I play beach vball and get dirty and chipped quickly), I carefully breathe as I lean forward into my bent knee (which is propped against the corner of a low table) and then breathe slowly and deeply as I do it, seriously. I also do this because I get the shakes big time.

mirilapband said...

I'm absolutely amazed at all of you shaving maniacs! I've only ever done that once and it was about 8 or 9 years ago. It's all I can manage to do my legs for date night. Usually for that I sit on the toilet (with both seats down) and use this little bucket of water. But with the 20 pounds gone, I was really excited to discover I could actually shave while showering last week! But I'm really afraid of falling so I won't do that often.

I think you should DEFINITELY be locking that door though girlfriend! Honestly, boundaries are a good thing, and letting your girls know that privacy is OK will help them when they are women.

So sorry to hear all the stuff about the gas masks. I would worry too.

I'm way overdue for a pedicure. I pay someone, and I go to a place that has a massage chair. When I worked further up north I went to a little Asian man named Elvis, but now I just go to a place near my house because I work south. I love the leg massage, the back massage chair and the little flowers they put on my big toes...

Jess said...

LMAO@ the chick that lied about how she lost weight. What a weiner!

I stand in the shower with one leg up on the side of the tub and that works for me. If not, then I just do the splits on the edge of the tub! (haha...no really..)

As far as painting toes, I sit at the kitchen table and rest my foot on another chair. I still can't breathe though! No solution here besides getting a pedi by a cute little Asian chick!