Tuesday, July 5, 2011

A post from Draz...

“Me” isn’t available to blog today. She doesn’t want to. This here is Drazil typing. You know…the little blue lizard with all the flaming inner demons that “me” carries around every day. “Me” gave yours truly permission to blog since I’m ruling her head today.

Let me just say right now I don't have the fancy grammar that arrogant crotchhead "me" does and I don't post funny pictures either.  My talent is being mean.  That's all I do.  And I'm f*cking good at it.

I was in rare form this weekend. Even though “me” has been kicking ass on Nutrisystem, I talked her into going off plan for about 3 days to enjoy the holiday. You should see her regretting it today. This morning when she stepped on the scale, I swear to you that I saw a tear. I easily manipulated her this weekend and she ate more burgers than a Sumo wrestler. And chips and Oreos and soda…and the list goes on and on.

By the way – Sheniqua is LOVING me. I mean she loves me all the time but with the weight I got “me” to add to her body this weekend – oh Sheniqua is licking her chops I tell you.  Ima gonna get laid later - I just know it.

Today “me” feels like giving up (although that persistent witch is back on the NS plan). She’s all whiney and tired and dehydrated and wants to do nothing but sleep.

Meanwhile I’m in my glory. I’m feeding her lines like, “Why do you even try? You failed. You suck big teal turkey turds. You knew you would never succeed. You’re chumpy (chubby + plump). Your muffin top rivals the Pillsbury dough boy.”

I am loving life. Today is my day. I gotta celebrate when I can because I have a sneaking suspicion that by tomorrow “me” is going to be back in full force. She’ll kick me in my little blue lizard balls and tell me to get lost and I’ll go back to hatching evil plans to ruin her.

But for today – well I’m high on regret and failure and what it’s doing to “me”.

Oh there she goes…dripping snot in her Pepsi from doing the ugly cry. She’s a hot mess today people. It ain’t perty.

You guys are lucky you don’t have to see “me” fall apart. She’s not very good at it.

I gotta go. Me and Sheniqua are going to get our freak on and then make a list of terrible names to call “me”.

It’s like paradise here in Draz-land today.

There ain’t no way “me” is stepping foot in Care Bear land for at least 24 hours.

Draz is in charge today and Sheniqua is the co-pilot.

“Me” feels like nothing but a third wheel…which is just how I planned it.

I swear if any of you comment to “me” and tell her how to get rid of me and Sheniqua I’m going to send my homey lizards after you. Trust me – I know you all have lizards and inner demons of your own lurking in the background and one wrong move and I’ll be making some phone calls.

Believe me – you don’t want to face a Drazil smackdown.

With Sheniqua on my side…we’re a force to be reckoned with.

Just ask “me”…she’s under her desk sucking her thumb right now.

For realz.

Peace out,
Draz & Sheniqua


Ronnie said...

Just brush it off, hon. We all backslide on holidays. You're back on plan today and that's all that matters. :)

Amanda said...

That little lizard is a punk.

Joanna said...

You know what? My inner lizard was poking his nasty head out this morning, too. I almost felt like crying. That was until I told him to fuck off!!

I had a fun weekend. Yes, I ate like crap, I didn't work out - but I had so much fun with the kiddos. We ate, watched fireworks - I even had a few too many drinks Friday night... but every minute was worth it!!

Of course, the scale disagrees with me this morning - but I don't give a rat's ass. Today is a new day...holiday is over, and it's back to reality.

You grab that nasty lizard by his blue balls and give him a big toss back into the depths of hell. :)

Rachellabelle - My Hips Don't Lie said...

She should make a bag and a pair of shoes out of you, Drazil.

Stacey said...

Someone should throw a clock at that lizard. (Long story that still gives my ex-husband nightmares) :)

Banded Mommy (Angie) said...

Alright Drazil, its time to shut the F up and let that pretty little lady come back out.
Holiday weekends are murder. Today is a new day and we are all back on track! Seriously if you don't leave her alone I will find you and, well the song "Smack my Bitch UP!" will have new meaning!!
Feel better!

Lyla said...

I'm going to set my dogs on you Draz. They won't kill you, but you'll be mauled and probably come out tail-less.

Me, you're still awesome- you're just human. I think that's a good thing. If you were robotically perfect, I'm not sure your shoe collection would be as awesome because everyone knows robots wear Crocs.

Stephanie said...

Ok, Drazil. I've had enough. I'm about to feed your little gecko ass to one of my cats as an appetizer and I am seriously ready to throw down with Sheniqua.

Throw down like I am taking off my earings, slipping off my shoes and asking someone to hold my purse. Girl, I hope that weave is in there nice and tight, because I am about to snatch you baldheaded.

I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick some ass...and I'm all out of bubblegum. So what's it going to be?

Y'all need to back up off your dear sweet "me". Everyone is entitled to have a bad day every now and then, but you two taking over just isn't a good thing.

For reals.

Kelly said...

I want "me" to come back. Stat. Don't make me write the words you can't stand to see in print, k? Although we've all been there at one time or another, please come back soon, "me."

Mrs B. said...

Excellent post! For realz.

Cat said...

"Me" I'm not even going to talk to Drazil cause that lizard ain't shit. For realz love. It was a holiday weekend and you know what. Food isn't BAD...or GOOD. It's just calories and if we cannot take off and enjoy tasty food with our families around the holidays then WTF are we living for? Ok, so Watermelon and Banana are having Oreos? Rambos eating a mans mans burger and here you are munching on your NS noodles and maybe some tilapia for protein. Really? Damn it "Me" you are ALLOWED to enjoy non-NS food occasionally. The thing is what we do CONSISTENTLY is who we are.

So Drazil - you can shut the hell up and tell Sheniqua too that while an extra pound may be hanging out that "Me" is back and kicking ass as of now. :)

Laura Belle said...

I have no words of encouragement. I'm right there with you. True Mini-Me form for ya.

life blows.

Justawallflower said...

ooohhhh, I'm totally with Rachellabella, make a bag and heels out of Draz!

Beth Ann said...

Hee, hee...what Rachellabella said!

I'm battling my demons too which is why it is time for the fitness extravaganza to begin. I would rather cry from being sore from working out than from eating too much crap. The 2nd type of cry has been happening a little too often for me. Here I go!

You will too, my friend. No question about it.

Amanda Kiska said...

Tonight when you go for your run I bet you "accidentally" step on that little lizard.

Sandy Lee said...

You send those two little skunks over to my house for awhile so "me" can get on with life.

Cece said...

I even think I see Drazil or Sheniqua - I'll sit on both of them and believe me - they will wish they never pi**ed me (both the me-me and the you-me) !

MandaPanda said...

Did I ever tell you about the time I ran over a lizard with my bike? It was seriously one of the most disgusting things I've ever seen but I'm willing to recreate it if I have to.

Holidays suck for diets sweetie! They just do. And most of that weight is water. My guess is if you've been indulging in the bad foods, then you're not getting all your water in either. And then your body just clings to the bad stuff. You'll get back on track and be dropping those lb's in no time!

Bodacious Boomer said...

Drazil I always knew that Bad Michele had a BF she wrecked havoc with. Now I see it's been you all this time.

Stace said...

The scale prob isn't even giving you real number. It might just be bloated from sodium and sugar and in a few days you will be back on track!

Hang in there! A jump in calories once in a while is good for your metabolism!

mirilapband said...

Hey there me! I miss you already. That lizard's a pain, eh? Gotta tell you something though - I worked out every day all weekend, stuck to my calories, and GAINED 3 pounds this morning on the scale. So I think it was something in the air. Yours is probably water or fireworks or something, that's what I'm writing mine off as. You can get back on top of this thing, and you know it!

Come back and see us soon, me!

~Lisa~ said...

I'm missing me some "me"... Don't let one little 'ole weekend get you down - it's done, gone and over - all you have to think of is TODAY! And today, I think that little son of a bi%&# and its sidekick need to be sewn into a terrific pair of shoes!

Daffy said...

I used to repeat "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"....of course I would do this while shoveling cookies, chips, cheese burgers and fries, pie, cake, chocolate, cheese and did I say pie?...yes...pie...until I realized that not only did my ears not give a shit what my mouth was saying but that it actually meant I couldnt' eat as much cause I was talking. DUH....

AutumnLeaves said...

Well, one has to find comfort somewhere and if it is a thumb? Well, no calories there, right? Today is a new day!

Lonicera said...

Hi Draz - I've been getting daily spam since I took off the verification word or whatever it's called. All sorts of interesting people from all over the world tell me about their iPhones, their Russian v.agra, they tell me they love me in Chinese, and ask me please to visit their websites for a little fun. So sadly I'm going to have to put the verification back on, with apologies, because I know you hate it.

mallory said...

I changed my blog thinking it would change the name, but apparently it is a whole different domain. it is now irunforcookies.blogspot.com please re-follow me!

Clumsy said...

Sorry to see the Holiday was as nice to you as it should have been, hope you feel better!

Jess said...

I agree with Laura Belle...no encouraging words here. You have a lizard and I have a crocodile on my ass!

Life really does blow big crizard (crocodile and lizard) nuts right about now!

And still...all I can think about is chips! WTF?