Thursday, July 14, 2011

S, M and JPDs.

In continuation of yesterday’s life lessons….I’m gonna throw more bullshit at you today.

I'm gonna call this S, M and JPD. 

Shockers, Morsels (of info) and Just Plain Dumb!

By naming what I'm doing I figure I don't have to offer any explanations or make any sense. 
I may even make this a weekly feature considering it doesn't require any real brain power
 (I'm running short on anything brain-related lately).

Hey - it’s better than being Explosive Man's cleaning lady right? Well, maybe.

Morsel: Am I the only person who sees bloggers EVERYWHERE? I always forget where people are actually from so I’m wandering around staring at people wondering if it could be so and so from that one blog that I love.  

Barb - clearly this is me - being jealous of your new bodacious tatas. 

No worries – you and I both know I’d eat my young before I’d approach a random stranger ...but I’m just saying – you guys are everywhere I go.

Morsel:  I have a brilliant money-making idea. I’m going to teach “proper hugging” classes. It’s for males only.

Rambo has an issue. Like I wipe my butt lint out of my ass with my boxers before every shower kind of problem. Yes – he does that.

He has a problem JUST hugging.

For example, this morning he didn’t have to work. I had on the dress I showed you here. He is sleeping people. Eyes closed. Comatose. Donezo. I go over to kiss him goodbye and he has the audacity to kiss me back AND? Lift up the front of my dress to see what underwear I have on. Funny thing is I had on my black thongs that have “I love you” in rhinestones on the front. So being the smartass he is…he smiles the dumbest smile in the world and says, “Mmmm, I love you too.” Azzhole.

I finish my hair. In walks Rambo. I’m not going to explain the full blown body maul attack that went on in there.

I get my meals ready and he’s now on the chair watching tv. I go to kiss him goodbye again and I get completely felt up.

If I’m not being mauled on top with his hands, then the bottom half of him is going at it. The man simply cannot hug me. I’m not sure anyone has taught him how. Although last night he hugged his mom for her birthday and he did the whole thing perfectly. Ack. I have to say that’s a good thing though.

And I’m pretty sure most men across the country suffer from this syndrome. I could totally make millions teaching this right?

Morsel: My newest obsession is hair extensions. I’ve been watching videos online and Jerseylicious and I want long-er – thicker - hair (currently mine is a little below my shoulders). My parents have the thinnest hair in the world and they passed it onto me. I’m surprised I’m not completely bald yet. Anyone have any currently that you’d recommend?

PS – I’m stupid. Rambo loves loves loves long hair….#2 above is going to get significantly worse.
Crap on a stick.

Shocker:   I would like to get a bikini wax after yesterday when all of you said I should stick my head between my legs and try not to whack off an eyebrow as your best advice for getting a smooth vagizzle. Waxing sounds like the way to go – because I’d look stupid with just one eyebrow. And I’d like to do my pits. I mean I’m getting the pits botoxed so they never sweat – why not never have hair there either? Wouldn’t that be freaking fantastic?

My plan is to make Jenny go with me.

Please leave multiple comments guilt-tripping her about how besties have to do things like hold the other bestie’s hand while some woman rips hair out of her crotch. It’s in the bestie handbook somewhere.

PPS – I’m not going to tell Rambo what I’m doing. And when he finds out and you add in #3 – well – you’ll never see me again.

Crap on a bigger stick.

Morsel:  Not cooking or planning or grocery shopping is almost as fun as shoe and purse shopping. Almost.

Shocker: Holy lizard diarrhea! Would you look at this shoe?????

Do you not want to lick it, call it baby and shove it in your bra so it can go everywhere with you? I was just clicks away from ordering it BUT it’s a 5.5 inch heel. I checked and I think my highest ones I currently own are maybe 5 inches…so I’m not sure if I’d break my neck with the 5.5s. And testing out if you’re going to break your neck just sounds dumb so I’m not sure what to do other than lick my screen and have shoegasms over them.

Just plain dumb:  Remember how I told you I have no problem eating the same thing EVERY day? And that the thing could be pizza if I had my way? Well, this is proof I wasn't kidding. Look at the NS suppers I ordered for next month.

Yup - every one is pizza.  And another whole layer of pizzas underneath.

The end.

Do you have any S(hockers), M(orsels), or J(ust) P(lain) D(umb) things you'd like to share with us today?

Come on - it's fun and remember - no brain power required!


MrsFatass said...

Werent smooth hootenannies what brought us together in the first place?

I have a tube of something called No SCream Cream. You're supposed to apply it a half hour before the wax to help with, um, pain. You wanna borrow it? I'll send it to you.

And amen on the hugging.

And Jenny? Go with Draz. She needs you.

Vanessa said...

Too Funny - I was just thinking about these very topics yesterday - the Hugging situation - my husband has the same problem. And the waxing - that was going to be my reward for hitting 185 - a Brazillian!
I will be dragging my bff when I go - Jenny, you should go!

AutumnLeaves said...

Oh to have your sense of humor, and ability to arouse a man. LOL I got nothin. Jenny? I agree with Mrs. Fatass up there. 'T'is what BFFs do for each other.

Lee Ann said...

Oh, I have an even better idea. You can do each other's bikini waxes and spend the leftover money on shoes. Now, THAT is taking your friendship to a new level.

Lee Ann said...

Oh and I didn't mean that to be perverted. My friend Jen & I are getting really cozy this weekend when we share a hotel room while I do a bowel cleanse. I'm not sure which--- a bikini wax or a bowel cleanse ---is higher on the friendship scale, but either one means you'd pretty much die for each other.

Joanna said...

The only way I'd get close to having a bikini wax is if I'm heavily sedated AND I have someone holding down both legs and arms so that I don't knock out the woman ripping the hair off my vagazzle.

DEFINITELY a situation where Jenny will be needed, me thinks.

I'm also going to be the first woman in the world that wants to teach a class on how if I hug my man, it means drop your pants and get in the bedroom!! I can't hug Hubby without my hands grabbing his ass...and, well...moving along with things.

He doesn't get it, though. He gives me the hug and goes about his business.

When I hug you and say goodbye - you're in the clear... When there is ass grabbing involved.. get ready! He doesn't know the difference, though. Sigh.

Laura Belle said...

I'm just wondering why I have the flattest chest ever in my picture up there. Next time can I have cleavage? (And yessss, i'm everywhere!) haha. JK.

I licked the screen. Again. I really need to stop doing that. Wait...yup, i had to go back up and look at those spectacular heels again. Wowzers.

Jenny-you have to go or else Draz will bug you about it forever and ever and ever and ever.

It's fine to eat pizza every day. Totally normal in Care Bear Land. I'm in Care Bear Land right now eating calorie and fat free nachos everyday. It's fine.

Cat said...

Hmmm I'm not sure hugging strange men is going to be your thing. If you do undertake this venture, you'll have to have someone come with you that YOU know well, like an assistant? Hmm, maybe Jen? Then you demonstrate the hug on the assistant then have the guy hug the assistant. Then you don't have to touch strange people. Yes, I think of everything. /nod

Hmmm, that shoe is lick'tastic, but I'm still looking for my perfect In case of Emergency leopard heels. :)

Karen Butler Ogle said...

Men are so horny in the morning anyway. I rarely get hugs from Dail without it leading elsewhere. It is just a guy thing. When I ask for snuggle time he automatically assumes I need to get laid. What's up with that?

Nikki said...

I too have been passed down the gene of craptastically thin hair. :(

March of 09 I got my first "set" of Human Hair Extensions. The kind that they bond to your actual hair. It was about 400 bucks...OUCH...but well well worth it for me...I plan on doing it again...once we leave this dang island and we aren't paying for travel all the time.

OH! and they lasted from March to September...and that is because I took them out because they had grown too far out and I was NOT about to pay Hawaii price to get them junks fixed!

I can look up the brand name for ya if you want! :)

Rachellabelle - My Hips Don't Lie said...

I went with my friend (also named Jenny) when she got her nipples pierced, so yes, friends do stuff like that.

Might I point out that those shoes have a platform, so they'd actually not be THAT bad to walk in? I'm just saying... :)

Dizzy Girl said...

It's just plain dumb that I can't get my shit together and work out or eat healthy. I had an 8 lb gain to prove it. I'm pissed and ready to start my period. It better be my damn periods fault or someone's head will roll.

kagead said...

There's a great and inexpensive waxing place just a few steps from my building...

If you're in my neck of the woods, maybe sometime in late September, and Jenny just happens to be with you, we could really have a bonding moment, no?

mommykinz said...

A male friend explained the hugging thing to me like this:
If you were given a delicious choloate (insert your favorite kind here-Lindt for me)
Wouldn't you want to maul that delicious morsel too. To men, we are chocolate. Kinda puts it in perspective doesn't it?! It still bugs me when my hubby does it too though.