Wednesday, July 20, 2011

There’s something wrong with me.

As of yesterday (due to my big aha moment) I decided once and for all I don’t give a flying witch’s f*ck what other people think. That is clearly reason #1 it’s clear something is wrong with me.

Reason #2 could be that Rambo wanted to take me on a Harley ride Friday to go shopping all day and I said NO! Holy blue beaver balls! What the hell is going on? I told him I want to lose more weight before I buy more clothes. Did my idiot mind forget that Sheniqua and her chumpy friends still need to be covered in cute as hell clothing NOW? (let it be known I have the right to change my decision about this shopping trip)

I have TWO – yes count them – one and two – family picnics this weekend. Now – let’s all just admit that I would rather be crocheting a baby blanket for Casey Anthony’s next child with Satan and Charlie Sheen. I mean really? Both days? Who the hell plans this shit? Anywhoozle – reason #3 it is clear I have morphed into another person completely is that I could care less who is there, who will see me, how I will look and what they will say.

I’d normally go buy two new outfits (see denied shopping trip in reason #2 above) but today I just don’t give a guppy’s ass really. When all the political shiz went down in my state, my brothers and I got into Facebook fights with most of my cousins who will be attending and there was even some de-friending (gasp!). True colors were shown and normally I’d be broken out in hives and boils but I just don’t care.

My God I feel so free. I might even go naked.

Maybe not. That’s kinda pushing it, isn’t it?

Reason #4 isn’t all that shocking but it is a little. Our daughter is in soccer. And I’m not just being an idiot parent who thinks their child is great when I say that she is pretty good. She plays the whole game and scores quite a few of the goals. Rambo and I don’t allow her to miss practices or games even though it’s summer league (ALL the other kids miss). You sign up – you commit. Period.

Tonight though? The actual temp here is 100. The heat index is 120. We will not be taking her to the game. It’s just not worth the danger in running for a complete hour non-stop for a kid’s soccer game.

If the coaches are shocked at our decision – well so be it. Shed a tear and get over it. If you want to give me a guilt trip about how the game will be lost without her – go ahead. I can take it. I’m not who I used to be remember? I won’t even fall down into a puddle of tears and beg your forgiveness. I swear.

Let’s try it and see.

Oh and I forgot to tell you Rambo and I got asked to become coaches next year. That’s kinda fun huh?

And lastly – reason #5 that it’s pretty obvious that a Care Bear has indeed invaded my brain with nothing but lollipops and gumdrops and faucets that pour Mt. Dew…is that the very FIRST email I came into this morning was one for my 3rd job – the PSC – and yours truly didn’t even panic. The Public Service Commission is the lovely federal agency who I love as much as the DNR (Dept of Natural Resources)…(so funny some of you thought I meant Do Not Resuscitate). They have a problem with our income reporting.

Guess what I did? I told them I’d check on it and get back to them. Like la-de-dah – I could care less. I mean I do care but really – what can I do here at work with none of the paperwork in front of me. What will be, will be. I’ll fix it – I always do. No point in ruining my whole day over it.

I’m signing off now.

That’s enough of this “I think I live in Paradise” bologna, don’t you think?

Just to prove that the old me – the one with Drazil the asshole lizard sitting on my shoulder whispering nasty things into my ear – still exists somewhere in a dark cavern…I will tell you that I did something last night the old me is known for.

I worked out - outside – in the heat.

Calm down – Rambo went with me so he knew I wouldn’t die. And I took water. And I only did three miles. To prove how sick and twisted I am I made Rambo take pics of my sweaty shirt.

When I asked him to take the pic for my blog – he looked at me like I had three heads. I told him that everybody does it – to prove they worked out. Like that’s so completely normal or something. Duh – who doesn’t want to look at sweaty pictures?

Get with the program Rambo. It’s what people do when they live in Paradise City with Care Bears…like I do.

A Skittle bath awaits – I must go.



Stephanie said...

I like the mellow, don't give a flying fart attitude you have. It's much better than stressing out. But you do have to watch yourself with that heat and for that reason i'm glad you're not doing the soccer game. They really should have cancelled it. Seriously, half the nation is baking like a bundt cake and they want to risk kids health? Are they mental?

Bonnie said...

so where's the pic?.....hahahaha

Joanna said...

Wow - this is AWESOME!!!

You're going to text me soon, I know it... LOL

Karen Butler Ogle said...

So glad to see things going well. You truly have turned a corner. I'm working on it myself. I don't care so much about what people think but I am very much a recluse. I need to get myself more social and out of this rut I'm in. I could use some shaking up.

Losing It said...

I wouldn't have let my kid go either. Thankfully all of the activities in our town were cancelled anyway. Shame they weren't there, it makes no sense to let kids risk heat stroke.

Ronnie said...

First of all... Seriously, there was de-friending? Wow! I've never de-friended family! (Too chicken shit.) These people play dirty.

Second... I don't blame you about the soccer thing. I wouldn't want my kiddos playing out in that heat, maybe if it was a night game that would be a whole 'nother thing.

Third... maybe you should at least get a new pair of shoes while out. (Yes, I am an enabler about footwear.)

Cat said...

I love love that you and Rambo were asked to be coaches. Also - did you follow my advice about the outside workout and give Rambo some dessert? *evil grin*

And defriending? Hellz Yeah lady. I am so in for this new attitude.

And yeah...cough up the workout shirt. /nod

Ice Queen said...

You are blowing my fucking socks off. Seriously.

And where is the sweaty shirt photograph, you pic tease?

Amanda Kiska said...

Love it!

Justawallflower said...

I think this is my favorite post, ever! I love it! except one thing, where is the photo?

MandaPanda said...

Love, LOVE, LOVING this post! I'm with Wallflower though...where's the pic?

Laura Belle said...

I just gushy fluffy puffy heart you. You are my badass love-friend. (I don't know what that means, but trust me it's a good thing.)

It's ok to look forward to new skinny clothes. you're fine. you're not weird. it's totally a normal thing to not want to shop....i think. :-)

I think you're right on the soccer thing. I've seen countless kids go down because of heat, even when they're chugging water and gatorade. it's just not worth it.

Also, you'll look smashingly in anything you wear, whether it's new or old, to the picnics. (and yes, who schedules two in one weekend?!)

Rock on with your bad self, sista! I think i will jog tomorrow because your kick butt attitude is running (haha, get it) off onto me!

Rachellabelle - My Hips Don't Lie said...

You should have a warning: do not read with food in your mouth. I nearly choked because I was laughing so hard.

If you decided to forgo the picnics in favour for blanket crocheting, make sure to post pics of the final result. haha

Oh, and one last thing: CARE BEAR STARE!

Beth Ann said...

You know, I'm not sure that there was ever a time I didn't want to go shopping. Even 90 pounds ago. It is more fun now, sure. But I LOVE me some shopping!

Hyla said...

It seems stupid, the soccer organization didnt cancel the game..
Where are the pictures?

Kelly said...

Ok, and you didn't post the pic because . . .?

Tori said...


Becky said...

Lol!! I loved this: "rather be crocheting a baby blanket for Casey Anthony’s next child with Satan and Charlie Sheen." Whaaaat?!! Too, too funny! You need to write books.