Thursday, July 14, 2011


I have to type these three things out…or my head is likely to explode and my heart will follow.

Forgive me – you can skip this – none of it is pleasant.

1. Most of you know that a few years ago, my parents lost our childhood home and nearly everything in it to a flash flood. Most of you also know that I’ve never truly dealt with what that meant and still means. The during, the aftermath, the picking yourself up off your knees, the worry and the loss…all things I never let myself think about too long.

You’d think it’d be completely over but I can tell you just this weekend I spoke to my mom about her new house now. She actually started crying and said, “I love it here. I almost love it here more than the old house. And I feel like that’s wrong. Like I’m betraying that old house. Leaving it behind.”

I told her the old house isn’t a person and she didn’t owe it anything and she didn’t leave it by choice and loving her new house is certainly better than not loving it. Still – it’s proof that years later – we all still deal with what the flood has done.

Just about a month ago – the house was finally torn down. As I said in a previous post…I wanted it gone but once it was I was shocked at my heart-breaking reaction. I have driven by it hundreds of times since it came down and have only been able to look at it out of the corner of my eye. I am fully aware that they only took down the house and that two large sheds remain.

If I look fast enough and see the sheds – part of my head can still see the house and pretend all is just as it should be.

Until today.

I could see coming down the hill that something was missing.

I dared to look. Both sheds are gone.


I almost had to pull over so I didn’t throw up. And? I’m pissed at my reaction. Why on Earth this bare spot can provoke such an emotion from me when it’s years later and everyone has recovered drives me crazy. I am not a woman who cannot deal.  I am strong - hear me roar - right? 

I need to step foot on that ground again – and weep – and fall to my knees if I must but I need to look at it all gone – and walk away.

2. Rambo rode to work with me this morning because he had to pick up his car at the shop. The news had the story on about the inmate who assaulted Rambo’s co-worker the other day. So that got Rambo talking…

Apparently the inmate is now in segregation and will not come out as he is afraid the staff will hurt him for what he did. No – that’s not how this prison works but nonetheless – the inmate is scared. So all day long Rambo is dealing with an inmate who won’t comply to anything.

Add in that he’s a pedofile. He proclaims to hate anyone white. He has full-blown AIDS and claims he wants to infect as many white people as he can. He has a list of guards he plans to assault.

I just wanted to scream that I didn’t need to know all of the above. But Rambo needs to talk about his work just like anyone else. But I love living in Care Bear Land where there is no hate, AIDS, lists or pedofiles. Please – someone take me back there.

3. I got a phone call about 30 seconds before I was leaving for the day yesterday. I have caller ID at work so I knew it was the water/sewer plant manager from my 2nd job.

This is how it began:

Me: Hello.
Him: F*CK!
Me: It’s nice to hear from you too. How is your day going?
Him: The DNR has been here all day – 4 of them – we’re gonna need a new plant.

The rest is more of the same.

Can I just say I’m not sure I can handle the stress of building a multi-million dollar plant while trying to please two villages that share this plant? It means talking to numerous officials and pleading my case and showing proof and maybe even begging Mayors and Village Presidents and the like. (Remember me - the girl who would not talk to ANYONE?)  Sometimes I think God does this crap to me just to be funny.

The red tape and paperwork and my God – the DNR…it’ll be a freaking nightmare. And it’ll take years of planning and voting and approvals and money and possibly raising people’s taxes.

God help me.

I’m trying to imagine the sense of accomplishment I’ll feel when it’s over and we have a state of the art plant and we can even make the payments….

It’s just that getting there could do me in.

Okay – all done. Again, I’m sorry – my therapy is writing and I had to get those three things out so I can focus on the rest of my day.

Tootles lovies!


Bonnie said...


It will all come together in the always does.

The pain of the house, you need to let that out...who gives a flying fuck if we are the strongest women in the world, sometimes a good cry fixes everything.

Just like you need to cry, your hubby's way of crying is talking about the shitty things at work. He needs that release too....

Go have another "end of the bed" will make you feel better....promise :)

WishfulShrinking said...

Wow. You have a lot on your shoulders. You really are stronger then you know. I have a similar experience with the loss of my childhood home. Ours was a fire and I was 20 and living out of start so all my childhood items were burned in the fire. I went to therapy after that to deal with that event because it just bought so much other stuff to the top.
We heal when we walk through our pain and not eat over it. God Bless

Lee Ann said...

(((((hugs))))). That's a lot of stress to be dealing with right now. Type away, you don't have to write about rainbows and sunshine everyday. We're here for you no matter what.

Laura Belle said...

You know that more than anything I want to just give you a big ol' hug and have a little tear session with you right now.

You are strong. You are She-Ra. You are a badass.

But all those things do not mean that you're without feelings. And thank God that you're not! Feel EVERYTHING. even if it's hard and sad. It means you're human. Having feelings doesn't mean that you aren't strong either. Quite the opposite. How can you be a strong person without the emotions that MAKE you strong.

I guess what i'm trying to say is that having feelings and being strong are connected. you can't have one without the other.

And you're a great wifey for listening to Rambo even though stories like that make your heart have an earthquake. But all will be fine! Promise!

And you'll do great getting the new plant! Just think of it of a new adventure! Yippee!

Big hugs to you hon. I love you!

Ronnie said...

That's a whole lot of stress for you. I wish Sheniqua was a little more talented, so she could take on some of your load! :(

Cat said...

*virtual hugs for you dearest*
Don't ever feel whatever you write here needs to be appologized for. You are human, though a bad ass, feathers in her hair, bling dressing shoe ho, but human none the less. All of this emotion you are feeling right now while initially might make you feel weak, you are stronger because of it. Fear for your hubby? Absolutely normal, especially with what he's going through right now. Sadness about the house and the land where the house once stood, I would be surprised if you didn't feel grief for losing the childhood home. Your family seems very close, I'm certain there were lots of memories and things that were irriplaceable were lost. It's natural and human.

So yes, hero of do have the right to bear your emotions, and if we can help you shoulder some of that. yay us. No appologies needed. *puffy hearts*

Angela Pea said...

Wow. You, my dear, are the absolute best partner that God could have created for Rambo. You are just what he needs, and he is just what you need. Perfect!

New plant? In my book that is totally cool, because, well, I'm an engineer, and the thought of any brand spanking new water/sewer/power plant just makes my toes curl with joy. New! New as in everything works at the same time and nothing is broken kind of new! SUPER cool. Yes, it will be a royal PITA to get it done, but when it's'll be the heroine.

Joanna said...

I think you know me well enough by now that trying to be all warm and fuzzy is hard for me.

You know I'm here for you.
You know that I know you WILL deal with this - that's who you are.
You know that I damn sure know you will take all of this on, you will take care of business, you will kick some major balls...and you will live through all of it and come out even stronger (if that's possible).

That is all.

Karen Butler Ogle said...

((((Hugs))) from me too. I know what you mean about missing your house. Our family owned a small motel years ago and I grew up there. Now it has been sold but so much of my life was spent there that I can't forget it. I get a twinge every time I go by there. The people repainted it and they haven't taken good care of it. My dad helped build that motel. He was a carpenter. My grandparents lived there upstairs from the office and the best time of my childhood were spent with them. Places grow on us and we miss them when they aren't ours anymore.

Pamela E. Williams said...

Ok, I was through when you said the inmate was a pedophile! Then to continue reading and see that he has AIDS and wants to infect all the white people he can.....ok, this is where my vigilante mentality kicks in, but I will keep that to myself. No, I won't, folk like that need to be put out of all their misery....just kill him already....sorry. I have no tolerance for people who harm children or for someone who wants to intentionally give someone a deadly disease.....

Sorry you didn't need that rant. I hope things get better. Prayers for Rambo and your strength.

MandaPanda said...

Whooosaaaaa! There? All better? No? Try it again. Just keep breathing and the world will keep turning and everything will be alright. I promise.

Rachellabelle - My Hips Don't Lie said...

Clearly the answer is....MORE SHOES. :)

Laurie said...

And that was all before 9:00, huh?
Breathe in, breathe out...that is what I keep doing..

Sandy Lee said...

Not to be rude but my coffee almost came out of my nose. The first part of your post I'm feeling your pain then you got the phone call and the DNR jumped off the page. I'm thinking WTF?

DNR to me means Do Not Resuscitate and I was wondering if someone had died. In a sewer plant. That's what we write on the chart in the hospital when someone doesn't want to be kept alive. Puzzling, til I realized it meant something else. But what? Oh well, you will figure it all out little organizer you. Or as Rachellabelle said--More Shoes.

Dizzy Girl said...

Still reading and still love you- despite all the bullshit. The inmate especially makes me mad. :(

Dazee Dreamer said...

I think you have to write it all out. Too bad you can't get a group of bloggers together and go to your old house/land and have a little picnic and sing kumbaya and such. Maybe that would get it out of your system.

Christy @ My Dirt Road Anthem: A Runner's Blog said...

Ha, I am with the above on the DNR, I went ahead and googled it to see what else it could be. That does all sound like a pain in the butt. ugh, i would hate for my hubs to have that kind of a job and deal with those kind of people, so kudos to yours for doing it. and to you for having to put up with it. Hugs for the first part.

bbubblyb said...

Sad about the house, hope you can have that cry and let it go. Sometimes though stuff like that never quite goes away. I feel for Rambo having to deal with people like that. I just wonder why people like that are even on this earth. If anyone can get that plant built I'm sure it's you :) *hugs*

Beth Ann said...

Hope you are feeling better today. That is a lot to come at you all at once. But if anyone can deal with it, I know you can. Even if you keep saying you can't. :) Hugs!!