Wednesday, August 3, 2011

All kinds of awesome.

I farted gum drops all morning.
I woke up in Care Bear Land.
Tonight I'm gonna bathe in Skittles.
I might even swim in Mountain Dew while listening to 80s music.

You know what this means?

I've got nothing to bitch about so I've got nothing to blog about.

Which translates into you getting a post that you'll read and then you'll wonder what the hell you just wasted your time on.  This is gonna be kinda lame.  Please don't spread that around though cuz it's fun pretending that me and my posts are all kinds of awesome.

First off - yours truly wore a LIGHT GRAY shirt to work yesterday.  Now - no exaggeration - I normally would have had to NOT raise my arms at all during the day to make sure no one could see my HUGE ASS ultra feminine ultra sexy sweat pit circles that would appear about 5 seconds after I put the shirt on.  Yesterday?  Not one drop of sweat made it through my shirt.

No lie - my HR Director came in and I lifted up my arm and whipped out my dry armpit with all the tact that a professional career woman can do that with and said, "LOOK - no sweat!"

She clapped appropriately.

I would also like you to know that Rambo and Jenny's husband are going to go shoe shopping together this weekend while Jenny and I sit at her house and giggle or something like that.  Does anyone else see anything wrong with this picture?

Really?  I mean whose cruel joke is this?  Jenny and I may have to staple their penises to the table so they can't get to their cars so WE can shop so the world can keep spinning like it should.

My 10 year old has started plucking her eyebrows.  Probably because I told her she was too young to shave her legs.  Who knew 10 year olds even had eyebrows?  Okay fine - I knew that - but come on.  What has this world come to?

In regards to my third job - there are MANY residents who cannot or will not pay their water and sewer bills.  I'm supposed to make the recommendation to shut off their water.  Which means they can't flush their toilets.  Which means poop issues - like big time.  I'm pretty sure I can't sleep at night knowing about such poop issues - especially knowing *I* caused them.  Let me say again - I cannot deal.

I haven't played soccer in two weeks and I have to play Thursday night.  I am 110% sure I am going to hork up 1.5 of my lungs and have to go on living the rest of my life with only .5 of my lungs left.  It's completely unfair.  To my lungs anyway.

That's all I got.  Let's make it final.  See below.


(Yes, that was me making this post final.  Carry on.)


Debi said...

I love that you used the word "hork". That will make me smile all day long!

Shannon said...

love the no sweat marks! very exciting!

Losing It said...

Yay for no sweat marks! Victory and worth posting about alone. Have fun at soccer.

Ice Queen said...

Let's hear it for light shirts and dry pits! Yay! :D

My e-mail address is in the contact tab at the top of my blog page. ;)

Cat said...

OOOH Are Rambo and Jenny's hubby going to get emergency leopard 5" stillettos? Ugh...wait, let me rephrase. Steel toed boots yes?

Joanna said...

YAY for no sweat!!!

Urm..guys going shoe shopping together? That's OK, I guess... but not going with them? Not buying shoes for yourself? NOOOOOOOO!!!!!

I'm in a spunky good mood today, too...can you tell?? Can ya, can ya? I'll be dishing later.. LOL

Ronnie said...

WOOHOO! I love the Botox in the armpit-ness of it all.

And that there's nothing bad going on at the moment, besides the no flushing that'll be happening for certain residents soon! :/ Eek!

Stacey said...

You and Jen should go shoe shopping and let the guys stay home and giggle!

Congrats on the non-sweatiness. How awesome is that, really!

Justawallflower said...

um, having no pit stains is totally worth a blog, even if nothing else was said! That is awesome! And yay for spending time with besties! Even if you have to stay home whilst the men folk shop. Maybe you guys could pound beers while working in the garage, or go hunting. This way the world will not be completely thrown off by the unbalance!

Laura Belle said...

Happy Happy Joy Joy for great pit-stain-free days! Can I get a Woop Woop? And a cartwheel? All while singing the Balls song? Hellz to the Yeah: "Sweat drip down my balls and not my pits." (just changed the lyrics a little.)

I bet the boys are buying hunting boots huh? Dove season is coming up in KS and i'm already hearing the excited 8 year old, I meant 30 year old, husband proclaim his joy.

At least you aren't like Madonna and let your child have bushes for eyebrows. Dolphin claps to you. (even tho it's crazy that she's 10 and she's growing up way to fast.)

Longest comment ever. I know. Just because I double love you....big time.

Bridget said...

YAY for the botox working! :: clap clap clap ::