Thursday, August 25, 2011

The dealio. The scoopio. Right nowio.


• This exercise hiatus is going to have to end. A quick fix to insomnia is exhausting my body into oblivion on a treadmill. I know this. I crave this. I must quit pretending I lost my running shoes. I know exactly where I hid them.

• No lie – it has been days since I drank water. Pure, straight up, on the rocks water. When did this happen? How did this happen? Can you even imagine how dehydrated my organs are? I bet some of them look like shriveled up potatoes.

• Today I did not eat a Twix for breakfast. WAIT! Stop! Do not clap or applaud or do a cartwheel…until you hear why I did not eat a Twix. It’s because I ran out of them. AND because last night Rambo came home with a bag behind his back – made me hold out my hand and close my eyes – and promptly filled my hand with cinnamon bagels from Panera Bread. Jesus frick. A man I love in leather drove out of his way to bring me cinnamon bagels…excuse me…I’m going to need a minute to go service myself. And you people wonder why I’m fat?

• I live in Podunk. East of Care Bear Land. I drive on country roads with 90 degree corners. There isn’t a lot of traffic. There are only 80 year old Grandpas whose licenses should have been revoked 18 years ago who follow the signs that say you should only go 25mph because they don’t know the roads. Hence – I have road rage – country hick style.

Now not having a lot of experience with real road rage – I’m wondering – do you fellow road ragers talk to the other driver as if they can hear you? This morning I was in my car – following Mr. 80 year old Geezer and I found myself saying – out loud:

“Seriously? We’re going to go 45? I have to get to work. I’m not retired and almost dead like you. Get out of my way. I’m so passing you. If you can’t drive on the roads at a normal speed you shouldn’t be on them.

I mean really – who is the insane road rager here? He’s not in his car talking to no one like I am. He’s just driving. Following the speed limit signs.

Also – on the way into work when I finally got onto the highway I passed two huge tour buses with again – 90 year olds – on it. (Can I just say that once I hit 70 there’s no way in hell I’m getting up every day before noon. Why don’t old people sleep in?)

The buses were filled to capacity. Those suckers creep me the hell out. Because of their height. I feel like they can see into my car – and into my soul. I want to cover myself when they are beside me. Do you guys ever feel like that? When you’re down below in your car and a big bus or semi is above you? I’ve been in the semis and I’m here to tell you – looking down – we can see it ALL so I know and it creeps me OUT. Yes – all this before 7am folks.

• Instead of going to Harley bike night with Rambo last night – I shopped online for four hours. Yes, that is what I said. Four. Expect a picture post soon. Clearly – I have a problem. Just doing my part to help this economy you know.

• Lastly – I have read MANY blogs where you girls have come across spiders in your houses or snakes when you are out on a run and your first thought is to snap a picture of it to share the monstrosity with us – your fellow bloggers. I want to report to you that I found a black widow spider outside on our deck – like seriously posing for a picture – and I did NOT take one. No – I spared you the gore of such a thing. You can thank me by sending me money if you want.

I didn’t even think to find the camera. Don’t say I never do anything for you. And yes – before Rambo left for bike night – I yelled out the door, “You’re going to leave us here with the spider and he’s going to poison and kill us all just so you can go to bike night!?”

Never mind the looks of horror on my kid’s faces that we were going to be poisoned and killed by a spider. Oopsie.

Speaking of snakes – did any of you watch the last episode of Hoarders where the guy actually hoarded SNAKES? What the holy hell? That man didn’t need help – he needed to be shot. I cannot deal. I simply cannot.

Luckily, snakes are outlawed in Care Bear Land. They don’t allow anyone over the age of 70 to drive either. And lizards are shot on sight.

Bet you want to move in there with me now, don’t you?

25 comments:

Cat said...

I had a centipede on my sink near my F'ING toothbrush. Screamed that husband MUST come immediately and kill it. Then it ran OFF the sink and he finally got it. HORRIFIED. Seriously. Nearly cried. I can handle just about anything other than those hairy dudes with a bajillion legs.

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

Girl, you've got a lot going on in that head of yours! 4 hours? nothing can hold my attention for that long!

Kelly said...

I'm not a spider fan, so I will not be one of those peeps taking photos of said creatures & posting them all over my blog, k?
P.S. I was very surprised to NOT see a comment from you on my Boobs post yesterday. (Yes, I wrote about my boobs, so what?) Just saying. =)

Beth Ann said...

Cinnamon bagels sound AWESOME. But spiders do not!

Caron said...

Even though I only have a few years before I join the 70 year old bad driver bunch, I too fuss and talk to them as if they can hear me.

I can handle the regular spiders (not black widows) fairly well and even the lizards. What I cannot abide are those stinking Palmetto bugs (translate GIANT cockroach). They seriously freak me out. I actually shake and have faster heartbeat and all that jazz. Wish it were not so. :(

Laura Belle said...

I talk to, I mean scream at, other drivers every morning. I pretend they can hear me. But when they clearly ignore me and don't move their slow ass from the passing lane to the 'slow' lane I curse their souls with evil spells that turn their cheerios into bugs. I also pretend that works.

Ummm, if you put a picture of a spider on your blog, I would have nightmares for the rest of my life and that wouldn't be nice. No spider pics please. Thank you.

Finally, I'm definitely living with you in Care Bear Land. It sounds devine!

Camille said...

I may actually have nightmares about this post. Giant buses and snakes. Creepy.

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

Oh I am so bad with the elderly drivers...mostly because we have a leisure village (retirement community) and Wednesdays are senior citizen discount day at the store so not one but CLANS come out. Its scary.

Dawnya said...

I love snacks!! I loathed spiders....the littel creepy bastards must die.

So...ummm...what did you buy me last night while you were shopping.

Elizabeth said...

I will send money for not posting the spider pics :P I HATE spiders. We did find two scorpions over the weekend tho - YUCK!

MandaPanda said...

I once trapped a cockroach under a cup, decided it was so big it would knock it over so I put a book on top it. Right in the middle of the living room. My oldest came in and asked what it was and I said "I trapped a bug for Daddy to kill when he gets home." She just said "oh" and skipped away. They get over it. LOL.

And I totally talk to people when I'm road raging as if they can hear me. I actually wanted to install a bullhorn on my car to ensure they COULD hear me but Hubby said that wasn't a good idea. *sigh*

Vanessa @ Gourmet Runner said...

I'll take a little apartment in Care Bear Land please. I'm not ready to commit yet, but I'll visit on the weekends.
Ok, but seriously--right now--drink some water. Wash it down with twix and champagne, I don't care. But just drink some freaking water.

Vanessa @ Gourmet Runner said...

I wasn't kidding. Drink some water.

dede said...

I'd rather have snakes than spiders...can't deal with the spiders!
Love the conversation with the geezer...i live with one!!! HA
dede

Christy @ My Dirt Road Anthem: A Runner's Blog said...

I hate freaking spiders, nasty things gives the creeps even thinking about them. YUCK

Bodacious Boomer said...

I totally understand the exercise thing. I may have to fly soon and am fearful they may put place in with the cargo.

Dizzy Girl said...

Are you kidding? You 'talk' to other drivers on the road and you think this is road rage? Move to Southern California, love. I SCREAM at the top of my lungs (usually a cuss word that starts with an F) and slam my fist on the steering wheel over and over while cussing their asses out. AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS. OVER AND OVER. Sometimes the window is down, as we have nice weather here, and I feel bad for the other cars that could possibly hear me because I'm insane. Who screams that word and pounds the wheel? I dare you to find another.

Sandy Lee said...

I talk and yell at all the old people on the road. In fact last night some guy in front of me got mad and I have no idea. He looked like he was turning into the left turn lane, then changed his mind and decided to turn right. What a dip. So I stop at the light and he stops in the right turn lane and GETS OUT OF HIS car. I had given him a little honk and the finger. That's road rage-what an ass. He just sat there staring at me as I held up my finger. Old man--whoops, he was in his early sixties. I say get all old men off the road along with the ditzy old women. Sorry my rant got away from me.

I am just like Dizzy Girl. Really.

Debi said...

LOL! I agree with you totally!! And I hear you on not drinking water...what's water??? If it isn't in my Diet Caffeine Free Coke, I probably don't get it!! LOL

I hate spiders, bugs, snakes, etc...

I try not to get to upset at other drivers, but even I too can start to "talk" to them...my Husband on the other hand, is a true Road Rage driver...which is why I try to crochet something when we are driving any distance!

And I don't know about where you live, but here in Nevada, if you aren't carrying a gun then you are probably in the minority!! LOL It is legal to carry a concealed weapon here in most places, just saying....

Stace said...

CINNAMON BAGELS!!! The one thing I wanted when I was pregnant! Someone asked me if I was pregnant today.. so not cool, but might as well eat a bagel.

AutumnLeaves said...

Nowio? LOLOL Yes, despite all of that fabulous reading, I keep coming back to "nowio."

Miz said...

#holdme
#insomniaheretoo
#pleaseletmesleepthisweekend.
#thatisall

Joanna said...

I am totally the talk to people as if they can hear me kind of driver. It's so bad I don't just do it when I have road rage - I actually talk to people that are driving along...maybe on a cell phone or eating or doing something else that is considered dangerous. My kids think I'm nuts, sometimes. They are so perceptive!!

Also, remind me to NEVER invite you to my house. Only because I'd hate for you to have a heart attack when you see my 6' pet Ball Python... although he's in my room, by my bed, so you wouldn't see him... but...uh oh, I've just realized I've probably caused you to go in to convulsions. Please don't hate me!!

Ronnie said...

I totally talk to people while I'm driving, especially on the backroads in my Podunk town. Ugh, old people behind the wheel. *shudder*

Bridget said...

Yeppers, I talk to other drivers too...and insomnia sucks. I'm hoping mine is cured this weekend.