Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Don't take a fricking nap on it!

Today I have a story to match a cliché.

Ever heard that whole “shit or get off the pot” line?

Well – around here in Care Bear Land where we pretend people don’t poop (until Explosive Man blows up my world) – we try never to utter old cliches like the above.

Except for today because I have a story to match that exact cliché.

It’s short and not so sweet. And scary as hell.

So yes - I hate poop. And toilets. And bathrooms in general. Public bathrooms make me want to throw up more than the thought of Nancy Pelosi’s dimpled ass in a nightgown.

I almost never go to the private bathroom or any bathroom at work even though I work at least 9 hours a day. I just can’t do it. If you could hear what goes on in there and then see what’s left behind – you wouldn’t either.

We do, however, have one bathroom that is a women’s only bathroom that is quite clean but it has three toilets so it’s not private.

The other day at work I was tired. Like fall asleep at my desk tired. I had to pee. I could not wait until I got home so I chose the women’s bathroom down the hall. I didn’t have the guts – nor the gas mask – to enter the private stall that Explosive Man uses.

I go in. The light automatically goes on – cuz it is on a sensor by the door. It goes on when someone opens the door and it stays on for a set amount of time.

I sit. I pee.

Remember I am tired.

I realize it is comfy. It is quiet. Clean and even smells nice in here.

I’ll just close my eyes for a moment. It can’t hurt anything to nap – with my pants at my ankles – on a public toilet. (and you people think I never take risks)

Yah well, everything was going swimmingly – until the godforsaken f*cking light went off.

Holy Mother of God – it’s so black I can’t see my own hand anymore.

I was drifting off to sleep – and now I’m awake – in the dark with my pants at my ankles – on a public toilet. It’s my worst nightmare come true. I think I might start to weep and break out in boils…but I compose myself.

My first thought is that the light is motion sensored so if I just move – it’ll come back on.

Yes. Imagine yours truly on a toilet, waving my hands like a damn lunatic trying to make “motion” and yet trying not to fall into said toilet. In the dark. With my hoohah just hanging out.

It doesn’t work. The light only works with the door. Who is the f*cking “save the Earth – let’s be green – use less electricity” asshole who thought of that?

Where the hell is the toilet paper?

Where is my vagina?

Where are my underwear? Pants? Zipper? Why don’t my hands work in this sea of black?
(panic is setting in)

OMG – I’m locked in a stall!! I’m claustrophobic. Get me out! So help me God if I have to crawl out under the stall on a public bathroom floor in my work clothes – I will quit this job today and admit myself into a psych ward.

Where is the lock? How does it work? Pull – push – turn – slide??? It’s NOT working!!!!!! Do I scream help? Wait for the next person who has to pee?

And OMG can you imagine if someone walks into the bathroom and they see the place is pitch black before the light goes on and then they realize I was in here - in the dark?  How do I explain that one?  They are going to think I was pooping for like 20 minutes so the light went off........I cannot deal.

(Yes, I’m aware that panic makes things seem extra worse)

I got out of the stall after what seemed like hours. Only to wander around like a blind person trying to find the effing sink.


Where’s the mother f*cking door so the mother f*cking light will come back on?????

Found it.

Get me the hell out of here.

Now I can’t go in the private bathroom because Explosive Man lives in there.

And I can’t go in the women’s bathroom because I have post traumatic stress from this incident in there. And now I’m scared of poop AND the dark.

I’m thinking of just putting a bucket under my desk.

One thing is for sure. After this debacle, I wasn’t tired anymore.

Absolutely NUSSING can just be normal for me, can it?

I mean really – I guess it’s true.

Shit or get off the pot. Don’t try to take a fricking nap on it.


Dawnya said...

Poor baby!! These things only happen to you. LOL. I try not to laugh...but it's impossible.
Seriously...you should write a damn book. I see it being a bestseller.

Food Freak said...

OMG, this is too funny. I'm dying here.

Karen Butler Ogle said...

Anxiety disorders can set all kinds of traumas into motion can't they? I have found myself in similar predicaments before. I have emotional scars from some of the incidents and they would seem like minor crap to anyone else. Hang in there Draz. I'm with you.

Stace said...

sounds like it's time to write a book!!! lol

vickyd said...

I agree with Dawnya...PLEASE write a book...I'll buy several copies...I promise!!

Banded Mommy (Angie) said...

Bwahahahaha!! Laughing my ass off! I can picture you sitting there waving your hand frantically like a crazy woman on the verge of tears!
Ok that is not what is funny but the whole story! <3 it!

Kelly said...

I laughed so hard, I almost forgot all about my pinkeye! hehe

Kelly said...

I mean seriously, how do you not find your vagina? Is it possible to actually lose it? LMAO!!!

Rachellabelle - My Hips Don't Lie said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA This is the best story ever! haha Poor thing. Definitely don't take a nap on it.

I've been so tired that I wanted to nap there too. Thankfully we didn't have auto shut off lights.

o.c. bandster said...

HILARIOUS!! sorry that it actually happened to you...but good fun for the rest of us!

Rachel said...

I love this story! I had a similar experience in a port-a-potty... except I blacked out... from alcohol...ahh college.

Amanda Kiska said...

After I had my first daughter, I once fell asleep in the bath, but never the toilet. Too funny! Sorry for the trauma!

Ronnie said...

Oh no! Now I'm gonna be scared of those instant light bathrooms! :(

Beth Ann said...

I'm not sure I have words for this one, Draz. We have a sensor light at work too, but I think is so long that it only goes off overnight. You poor, poor dear. Only you. :)

Debi said...

I think you need an emergency flashlight to take with you just in case for the next time you are super tired and have to pee!

Elizabeth said...

We have one of those bathrooms at work except our light times out in 3 mins - fricken ridic!!!!

MrsFatass said...

Oh my gosh. Only you, Draz. Only you.

Kristin50 said...

You truly crack me up so much! Love the story sorry it happened to you :)

Amy said...

The same thing happened to me at work. I was sitting on the pot all nice and relaxed, and poof, off went the lights. I empathize with ya, sista!

Dizzy Girl said...

I hate public bathrooms too, and this would have sent me into a frenzy too. My anxiety levels increased a slight bit just READING this post. :) xoxo! Love you like crazy!

Dazee Dreamer said...

OMG, stop making me spit my frappe all over my computer.

Maybe you should invest in one of those "sit on them toilet chairs" like that have in the rest homes. You could sit there all day, and no one would know.

You're welcome.

Cat said...

Yeah...public restrooms (even those for women only) are so the devil. And yeah, who's job was it to actually compare how much energy the company could save if they turned the lights off occasionally. Let's see HIM (cause you know it was a dude right?) try to stumble around in the dark if the light goes off. Bastards.

Read said...

Oh, I'm so sorry for you. I promise I did not laugh even once. I would not do that to you. I didn't even crack a smile. Not even when you lost your vagina. Hell, I lose mine all the time, doesn't every one??

Bonnie said...

thank God it wasn't that time if the month....it could have been lots worse....hahahaha thanks for the laugh!!!

Wendy said...

Gawd i lurve you!
now go buy a flash light for your next vacay to the potty! lol;p

Mrs. Pancakes said...

i am totally in love with your blog layout and i want one...now! awesome and fun!

Kelly said...

Hey lady, why aren't you on Twitter?

Jessica said...

Thank you for making 8 hours of inservice bearable. Of course, my coworkers think I'm nuts as I sit at the table trying not to LOL. =)

AutumnLeaves said...

Egads, Draz. Only you! LOL

MizFit said...

OMG Friend.
Only only you.

xo xo

Joanna said...

What a stupid way to handle lighting in a bathroom. I can only imagine that you're not the only person this has happened to - although it wouldn't surprise me if you are. Stuff like this falls into your lap...LOL

I'm sorry, I don't mean to laugh...well, yes, I do... I can't help it. The visual in my head is just too damn funny not to giggle a little.

Maybe you could find something to wedge the door open a little while you're in there?

Justawallflower said...

Oh my goodness, tears are streaming down my face! I love this story for two reasons, one for the obvious, it is great. But second, when I was in boot camp many many moons ago we use to nap in the "latrine". That was the one place the male drill instructors couldn't invade your privacy. And getting up at 4:00 a.m. really sucked. So any chance we got we would nap on the toliets!

Laura Belle said...


Why do weird things always happen to you?
I think some demon person likes to play horrible jokes on you from Hell. Only explanation.

But this made me giggle...just a weeee little....and you have now made my day twice!!

Julie Harmon said...

Yep- public bathrooms are the worst!