Wednesday, August 10, 2011

A few more nuggets of NUSSING!

Seriously – how many of you are going to scream, “Draz, why you no wear NUSSING?” at me in Chicago when you see me? It’s so hard to resist isn’t it?

It wouldn’t be so bad if the little Chinese lady didn’t practically scream NUSSING at the top of her lungs. They probably heard her three stores down.

Can you imagine the conversation at the cell phone store down the hall?

“Shitballs – some whore at the massage place is wearing nussing again! Grab your cameras. There are GAPING holes in those things they pretend are curtains remember?”

The Chinese lady was truly horrified when I told her I was naked. Her eyes nearly came out of her head they got so big. Oy.

Moving on.

Here are some other nuggets of fun I experienced at Jenny’s this weekend:

We went to a Mexican restaurant as soon as I got there. Just me and Jenny. The waiter nearly did a swan dive into my cleavage upon arriving at our table and later I found out Jenny never said a word about seeing this because she didn’t want to embarrass me by telling me the waiter looked at my tatas.

Hmmm – something doesn’t add up? She doesn’t want to embarrass me? Did anyone read about the f*cking Chinese lady straddling my naked ass? Or how about the giant mascara smudge on my face? Doesn’t want to embarrass me – yah – sure.

• Jenny is constantly shocked about the sheltered life that I have led and about the sheer amount of chicken-shit-ness that is in my body HOWEVER when it comes to tiny things like say – stealing pens that are made to be stolen – Jenny cannot do it. She runs like a little girl.

Me? I steal the pen. I don’t try to hide it. I don’t run. You see, my bestie said she liked the pen at the Mexican joint. Who am I to deny my BFF a pen she likes? So I took it. Cue gasps of horror. Jenny told everyone that she knew like I stole the Statue of Liberty or something.

• Wanna know what the men did while Mexican boys liked my titties and I stole pens? They went to Hooters where some chick poured their beer while she hula hooped. They were impressed. Jenny and I? Were not.

• We had to let out Jenny’s sister’s dog to pee. It tried to kill me with its viscious snarling teeth. Jenny without hesitation jumped in front of the dog and got her finger bit and saved my life. Proof she does love me. She totally should – I stole a pen for her you know.

• Jenny took pictures of my daughters. At one point during the photo shoot, Jenny put my daughter up in her tree in her back yard and my five year old, Banana looked straight at Jenny and said, “That hurts my vagina to sit here.”

What the what? Did she say vagina?

Of course – Jenny gives me the evil eye and says, “Well, let’s just hope you are wearing underwear on your vagina instead of NUSSING like your hussy of a mother!” (Did I mention Jenny is a douche canoe yet?)

• While Jenny worked on my blog design and I watched – Rambo got on Jenny’s eliptical and worked out with a beer in his hand. It was one of his finest moments. I was super proud. Hand to God – no lie.

• My Banana fell in love with Jenny’s new puppy Chawwlie (Charlie). Watermelon is scared to even say his name cuz she’s scared of anything that moves. Jesus.

• Both of our families went to an ice cream store late Saturday night as a treat. Jenny and I ordered nothing. We pretended it was because we are diet angels and health critics and holier than thou. Our husbands thought any minute we’d drop dead and need CPR.

Before it was all over we finally confessed we’d had ice cream only hours before – to recover from the Chinese massage slaughter I had endured. Dammit – take our halos away.

• We drove all over God’s country shoe shopping for Rambo. He did not get shoes. I did. Mission accomplished.

• While driving all over God’s country to get Rambo shoes...we sat in traffic because boys are dumb. I thought fire might shoot out of Jenny’s ears and ass or that she might stab her husband in his face if he didn’t do what she said on the highway. Good times. We were all living in Care Bear Land for about a good twenty minutes there. Well, everyone but Jenny.

• Finally, the honeymoon is over. My family has officially gone from being Jenny’s “guests” when we come over – to being her official “family”. We used to get candy set out for us. Pretty little cups, toothbrushes, Qtips, toiletries. Special beans for Rambo. On and on. It was like visiting a spa retreat.

This time? No candy. Not even a cup in the bathroom. In fact at one point we ran out of toilet paper. No beans – Rambo was pissed.
He gave Jenny so much shit about becoming “family” that Jenny felt forced to make us breakfast on Sunday. Ever seen someone make eggs when they are pissed and bitter?
Rambo just kept saying, “The honeymoon is over – we are family now”. I suppose we should feel honored but I just feel starved really. I mean no baskets of chocolate? That’s the only reason I came.

So yes - we’re planning to move in with Jenny next week - permanently. It’s how we end up feeling every time we visit there. In fact, I could barely get Rambo to get in the car with me to go back home. He kinda likes it there…and well, like I said before…Banana is in love with Jenny’s dog, Chawwlie.

Totally enough reason to pack our things and move there.

Whaddya think Jenny?


Dawnya said...

Nothing like becoming family! That shit sucks! LOL

Of course you got shoes and Rambo didn't. Too funny. I know whenever I visit my bestie I never want to leave. Then I remember...I actually moved away from this place. LOL

I love that this visit went so well. Jenny...I can't believe you were afraid to take the pen. Hell I'm with Draz on this one. Just this weekend I took the cute cup from Chilli's and put it in my purse. I did pay for the drink...which was overpriced...I deserved a treat...right?!?

Laura Belle said...

I think that you deserved that pen for the little mexican waiter staring at your jugs. It's like payment. Oh, wait, that sounded bad.

I'm so glad you and Jenny are back together! If it's going to be like this....Jenny---->you can never leave again. Stay close to Draz! At all times!

Hugs to you Lovely!

Stephanie said...

You are like the United Nations of Hoochie-ness. First it's Asian women feeling you up, now Latino serves are scoping out your Grand Canyon. I hate to think of what the guys from "Down Under" will see if they do your bikini waxing!

Rachellabelle - My Hips Don't Lie said...

I am dying over this post. Thank you for making my day. haha Still laughing at "NUSSING"!

Ronnie said...

Totally gonna slip my "NUSSING" in when you're least expecting it. LOL

Sounds like a great time was had by all, despite the lack of beans and chocolate. Which just sounds cruel. ;)

Bodacious Boomer said...

It always sucks when you cross that line from being a special guest to just being family. You always lose the loot and get the baggage.

Jacquie said...

It sounds like you all had a great time! You should all come to FL!

Beth Ann said...

Aw...sounds like you all had fun. It is great when the boys get along too.

Justawallflower said...

Oh my goodness, I'm sitting at work with tears running down my face. My makeup probably looks like yours did walking around the mall!

Food Freak said...

GREAT post! I always love reading your blog.

I had a nussing experience once when I went for a mammogram. The overseer handed me one of those one-size-fits-no one tops and told me to remove my bra. I said I don't wear bras. She was so rude. "You don't wear bras?" As though that was the Mark of the Beast. Jesus. I thought about telling her I don't wear panties, either (I do), but figured she'd beat me with a stick, so I refrained.

Karen Butler Ogle said...

You crack me up, Draz. I needed to read a fun post like this today.

Fluffy said...

I am going to say NUSSING! (Couldn't resist) I'm glad you guys had a great time!

Joey said...

Jenny is the Best. Best!

Cat said...

Oooh I'm supposed to go to Kohls to get some jeans this weekend. Hubby needs shoes. I will just have to point out this blog post as the reason that I need shoes instead. /nod

I love that you're family now. :)

Lana said...

Omg! I'm laughing so hard. So glad I found this blog! I there "nussing" you won't say? LOL sorry...had to! Lana in MI

Carmen said...

love it! the visual of rambo on the elliptical with a beer in hand is burned in my brain! awesome he is my hero :-)

FitBy40 said...

at that second ice cream place, you didn't order 'nothing' you ordered "Nussing"! ha ha ha ha ha ha. Love your stories.

Kelly said...

NUSSING! NUSSING!! I've been saying this all day. People at work were looking at me all twisty-eyed! =)

Dizzy Girl said...

Sounds like fun!! Love your stories girl- xoxo

Laurie said...

I was in the middle of cracking up over your nussing crack earlier today when some live event, damned if I know what, interrupted me.
I am confused. I thought you and Jenny lived near each other? am I wrong? I know you are family and all now, but why would I have thought that?

Jen said...

'in his FACE' cracks me up everytime!
I say MOVE here!
Oh and since you're family now I only did a 'light' dusting before you came. You only clean house for friends. Hope you didn't notice the mess. haha!
So family = no cooking, no cleaning but plenty of love. It's just better that way, methinks.

Miss April said...

You are a hilariously good writer! I am a new follower, have seen you post on a few others that I follow. Funny stuff.... ;)