Tuesday, August 30, 2011

I am Satan's sister.

Before I start this lovely blog entry, I’m just going to warn you that lately I’m feeling very, very contemplative and alone. That isn’t to say I'm feeling bad – but I’m questioning life, my spot here, what I’ve done and haven’t done, who I am, what really matters and how hard it is to fart gumdrops most days.


Blame it on a book I’m reading. I won’t tell you which one because it’s a from a huge political figurehead. It’s actually NOT about politics though. It’s about his life and his drive and his views on life and never giving up and taking risks and facing fears.

Reading books like that inspire most. For me – they hurt. They remind me of what I haven’t done yet. And what I may never do.

Moving on.

I would also like to say that I have a heart of stone. I’m pretty sure I’m Satan’s sister. Years of listening to Explosive Man blow up the toilet outside my office and contemplating his death has made me cold.

Want proof?

Here you go.

Banana starts school Thursday. Kindergarten.

Doesn’t bother me in the slightest. I mean it actually annoys me if anything because now I have to get two kids ready and there are two backpacks and two supplies and two teachers and blah blah blah.

Other parents are in the hallways crying and on Facebook wretching over the loss of their babies and I feel nothing.

Feel free to throw cow patties at me. I deserve it. I honestly suck as a mother sometimes.

It just doesn’t make me sad. To see her grow up and not be scared and be excited and move on and learn makes me happy. I don’t feel anything else and when I tell people that – they look at me like I have 4 tits and 3 heads.

I’ll be the one who gets her excited the night before and picks out her outfit. And I’ll be the one who comes home from work and can’t wait to hear about her day. But I won’t even be around the morning she leaves. I won’t get her dressed or take her in. Rambo will be and I’m happy to let him do his part.

He’ll get her dressed, pack both their bags, take their “first day” pictures, walk them into their classrooms and hug them goodbye. I don’t know how to be sad about that when my own father never even really knew what grade I was in or who my teacher was.

So it’s either that my heart is a shriveled up raisin or I’m in complete denial and on Thursday when she starts school, I will have a nervous breakdown, shit my pants, start sucking my thumb and scream obscenities. I guess that’s not really different from a lot of other days though.

Jenny? Will you promise not to leave me in the psych ward for longer than 24 hours if that happens please?

Lastly, let’s discuss Irene and the damages and water and flooding and fear.

Well, what I really mean – is – let’s not discuss it. Because I cannot.

I am a wussyhead.

I just can’t do it. I swear to God I’m evil. Or I have some sort of post traumatic stress disorder and I can’t handle flooding. After the loss of my childhood home and the destruction and stress that followed the flooding, I can’t “see” flooding for someone else. I can’t because I know the hurt they are going to feel.

The absolute devastation. Anger. Helplessness. All of it.

I don’t want to be reminded of it. I can’t help them. I can only pray (and I do – constantly) – but I can’t watch it. So I haven’t seen one tv update or read one news article on Irene or the damage. I see a blog with the word Irene in it and I can barely read it. When I hear an update on the radio – I want to run away. My body cringes at the words.

My heart (yes, that itty bitty thing in my chest) clinches up. It’s hard to breathe. I go back in time and I can almost feel the pain physically and I refuse to go back there.

And then the guilt for being so selfish takes over. I am fine – we survived…and all these people are going through that same living hell NOW and I’m still stuck in my own pain.

Um yes, remember me? They call me heartless. I told you I had proof.

So like I said – lately I’m stuck inside myself. I’m quiet and contemplative and working through some questions that I don’t really want to answer even though my teensy heart just keeps asking them.

It might be small – but damn if it’s not persistent.

13 comments:

Lyla said...

You are full of heart, and have a nice head on top to keep it all balanced out.

As a college professor, let me tell you how happy it makes me when I see parents refusing to take the helicopter parent route that eventually leads them to my office wanting to fight their adult college student's battles for them. Because of your reasonable view about school and your kids growing up, you will never have to take part in this conversation:

Parent: Kid really needs a B in this class to keep his scholarship. What can he do to get a B?

Me: Nothing. There is no numerical way he can earn a B at this point.

Parent: But he NEEDS it or he will have to withdraw. Can he do extra credit?

Me: No, there have been extra credit opportunities in this class and he didn't do them.

Parent: Well can he make them up?

Me: No. They were participative and intended to highlight the discussion of that day's class. It would defeat the purpose now and be empty points.

Parent: (angry) I don't think you understand that he needs to get a B, and you're supposed to teach him, and maybe it's your fault he is failing.

Me: Or, perhaps it's because he never comes to class, never does the work on time, never comes to see me during office hours, and then sends his parents in to fight his battles for him. Grades are earned, not negotiated, whatever you and he may have learned from the great cinematic class, Clueless, and he earned that F. Goodbye and good luck to you, Mr. Helicopter.

Ronnie said...

I don't think that you're heartless, I think those parents are a little dramatic. I'm going to be proud my boys' first day of kindergarten... cuz they SURVIVED to this point. lol Sad to say, but I'm proud of that.

Debi said...

I'm with Ronnie on this one. Of course, I don't have kids - so take this as you will. But most schools here started last week and there were SEVERAL people at my work who took the entire day off so that they could take their kid to school on the first day and then go and pick them up after school was out. I think that is ridiculous. I can understand taking them if your schedule allows, but seriously? Taking the entire day off of work? I just don't get it.

Now, mind you, most of my life my Mom was a teacher which meant that she wasn't able to take me to school on the first day or pick me up because she had her own classroom to deal with. But I think that it made me more independent. I survived and am just fine. Better than that sometimes ;)

Don't feel bad for one second that you are happy that your banana is going to school and isn't freaked out about it. That, to me, means you have raised a good kid. And maybe when people are looking at you like you have 4 tits ... maybe it is just wishful thinking on their part. Hee hee!

<3 ya!

Karen Butler Ogle said...

Drazil, I'm heartless too. I can't watch news about disasters because I can't take on anyone else's pain or issues. It makes me feel incredibly selfish to say that but my life is filled with daily challenges and mountains to climb. Deep down, all I've ever wanted is complete outer and inner peace. It is rare and hard to come by. I take my moments when I can get them. I can't take the negative crap that other people seem to thrive on. Don't feel alone, Draz. I know just how you are feeling.

Miss S. said...

Then my heart is stone cold too mama!! Watching my kids grow up & become awesome people is amazing. I don't miss getting up with them as newborns. I am enjoying all the stages. Last week I had to squeeze my fat azz up in the McD's playplace to get my two year old down-so yes independence is welcome!

I hope you don't have anymore disasters, you are so strong to have dealt with what you have.

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

lol I iz a heartless biznitch too. I think avoidance of feelings is just another coping mechanism to stop me from laying in the fetal position....It happens. Tank starts Kindergarten on the 7th of September and I am completely numb to that even though I will be there his first day.

Rachellabelle - My Hips Don't Lie said...

You're not heartless! You're just protecting yourself. :(

Laura Belle said...

Um, my mom threw my bookbag on my back, told me to hold my friend Frannie's hand and pointed us in the direction to school (6 blocks away). We walked, by ourselves. That was normal then. Why can't it be normal now?

Besides being a little mental at times, my mom not being there to wave me goodbye as I walk into school has had no ill effects on me.

And stop saying you have a shriveled up heart. It's the size of Rhode Island and you know it.

Cat said...

I don't have children, but I seriously think that most kids are taught to depend far too much on their parents. I actually had this conversation with my BFF Robyn the other day that kids don't seem to be able to face the pressure of adulthood as well because their parents are doing SO much for them. I think having you are absolutely great with what you're doing. I believe both your girls will end up amazing human beings and adults. :)

NIKIA said...

My son is entering first grade and my daughter, 3rd. Let me tell you...... they have both been in a school setting since 2 and a half years old. Never shed a tear. I, actually, get excited as they progress each year. That means the are closer to getting out of my house! You're not the only heartless one out there. lol As far as Irene goes....you're prayers are enough. You don't need to follow stories and depress yourself.

Sarah G said...

If you're heartless, I'm heartless too. My twins start kindergarten next week and I am nothing but relieved! I will get them dressed, pack them a lunch, take some pictures, stand at the bus stop with them, have a huge party, and will be at the bus stop again when they come home. :)

Ali said...

I didn't cry about Kindergarten either. But when my oldest walked out our car and into the high school, I DID feel a lump in my throat. A sort "this is the beginning of the end of his childhood.". But it was all good. Now my youngest just started high school two weeks ago...felt just a tad of that sadness, but mostly excitement for him since I'm a seasoned parent (he is my 3rd) I know all the good things ahead.

Joanna said...

You know what? I don't get the crying that comes with kindergarten. I was happy for my kids when they started - they were so excited to be out of the house, and I was excited for them.

Even my 3 year old Jelly went nuts over the summer because she was ready to go back to school (daycare). I want kids that are excited and happy going - and me bawling in the hallway doesn't really send the message "you're going to be fine". In my mind, the crying sends the message "I'm so scared for you, I feel terrible that I'm leaving you alone here".

Getting off my soapbox.

You are a wonderful momma - and the love you have for your kids is apparent in everything you write. There's not one set of rules that all parents have to follow...you make your own. And you, my dear friend, have written one hell of a book on being an EXCELLENT mother, wife, and friend. ;)