Wednesday, August 31, 2011

More Shockers, Morsels and Just Plain Dumb things...

It’s Wednesday. You’re welcome. If not for me, I’m sure you wouldn’t have known this alarming fact. Alert the media.

In Care Bear Land – things are still somewhat solemn. Low-key. I’m farting gumdrops but instead of fuschia they are light pink. Not teal…but mint green. And they are teeny tiny. But dammit – they’re still coming out.

I have some more Shockers, Morsels and Just Plain Dumb things to impart upon you again.

Jesus Frick – stop rolling your eyes. You know you love this crazy ass shit. Don’t make me throw a tantrum.

Here we go:

Just Plain Dumb – remember when I told you the shocker that chickens indeed lay eggs? It was after my parents bought 5 chickens and then shit their pants when eggs started coming out of their ears and they had to start giving away eggs to complete strangers…like they had no idea chickens would indeed – lay eggs.

Remember how my Dad built these chickens what I call chicken paradise? I mean there’s a viewing window. A custom roost. A custom feeder. A door to the outside built on a pulley system. A laying station for each chicken. Sick I tell you. Sick.

Well yesterday Banana wanted to go in and get eggs. Actually she lied. When I got her down there she did that thing kids do where they won’t stand up. I had to hold her by her armpits because she refused to put her feet down out of fear of chicken poop. (See? Smart kid – she hates poop like her mother.)

Anyway – we open the door to the chicken paradise and inside? The Virgin freaking Mary. No lie. Inside in the corner is a 4ft statue of Mother Mary. Stark white. Staring at me. Apparently protecting the f*cking chickens. Blessing the eggs.

Mom looked at me like it was completely normal to have Mary in with the chickens and said, “What? I had nowhere else to put her.” Yah, automatically you thought of the chicken paradise.

By the way, the chickens have been named. Delores, Marie, Marcella, Eunice and Doris.

Please do not ask me how you tell five chickens who look the same apart. Please.

Shocker – I came home from work yesterday and Rambo exclaimed he had found me a dress he’d love to see me in – in fact I could even wear it to Chicago. Any of you ever seen the Venus catalog? Google it. It’s like Victoria Secrets models on crack with bigger boops. On the cover is a woman in a fake leather dress with a slit down the front almost to her navel with pretty much only her nipples covered.

I said, “Wow. That is nice. I think I’ll order that and wear that to Chicago when I’m with 50 other hot women.” Imagine the look of terror on Rambo’s face when he realized I’d be in the dress and he wouldn’t be with me. Idiot.

He has broken eyes by the way. I tried on a dress last night that could fit my 10 year old it was so small and he looked at me with a dead on straight ass face and said, “That looks great. Fits perfect.”

I would have yelled at him but I couldn’t take a breath or talk because it was so tight. Later on I did tell him that though the dress was made to be tight – it wasn’t made to show your ribs and turn your face blue.

Morsel (of info) – my biggest pet peeve lately is when people wear stark white socks with black ballet shoes/flats. I saw a woman in a sporting goods store buying up brand name items like they were the last things she’d ever see – like she knew what was “in” and had some “style” or “fashion sense” and then she turned the corner and I swear on the holy Bible the woman had on the cutest outfit from the knees up and then – EEEEEEEEEKKKKK – white socks pulled up over her ankles and black ballet slippers. What the fuh?

I cannot deal.

If any of you wear this getup in Chicago…I will tackle you and rip your socks off. Hand to Bible – I will. It’s only because I love you.

Morsel – I would like to say I have almost sealed the nomination for Mother of the Year with my newest feat. It involves music. Now – I know you’ll all be shocked BUT – I’ve been known to have a little bit of a “goody two shoes” reputation. I was the good Catholic girl who met Rambo at 15 and married him and had babies and did everything my parents wanted and blah blah blah. That’s why people people are shocked when they see me flying down the highway in leather on a Harley and covering myself in tattoos – AND – attending things like Ozzfest.

Yupper – I’ve seen the mosh pits and girls painting their naked boopies and all that stuff. I’m the girl everyone thinks loves good ‘ol American country music – and I do – BUT I’m all about head banging scream out my lungs swearing rock after a hard day’s work. And I was doing just that one day on my way home from work – with my girls in the back seat – and this particular song had some not so great words in it and I’d like to report that my girls sang every word but they skipped on purpose every swear word.

See? See? I didn’t even tell them to do it. They just knew not to swear. See? They are angels. And I’m a perfect mother just like I’ve been telling you. (who listens to heavy metal music – gasp!)

Shocker – I never knew but my mother is an entemologist. And no – I’m not even sure if I’m using the right word there. I’m trying to say she’s the person who knows what species certain bugs and spiders are. Remember how I told you Rambo was in too big of a hurry to kill a black widow spider I found outside and I was certain we were all going to get poisoned and die from it? Well Watermelon told my mother about said spider.

Without ever seeing the spider, my mother promptly declares it was NOT a black widow spider because it was a tomato spider.

Huh. First of all – is there such a thing or do we just make up things like that? Like what if it was a cucumber spider? Or a laptop spider? Or a couch spider?

I mean it was on my deck where there are NO tomatoes.

Thank you very much Mom. Watermelon is now deathly afraid tomatoes now instead of widows. Jesus.

Just Plain Dumb – I had lasik surgery so I wouldn’t have to wear glasses. This plan has not worked so well. This weekend I bought a pair of brown and green plaid FAKE glasses cuz they are super cute in a nerdy kind of way and they match my hair. (no my hair isn’t green plaid) And I bought a pair of FAKE pink glasses with a little bling on them cuz they are fun I couldn’t imagine not having them.

I also purchased my 16 billionth pair of sunglasses since getting lasik.

So this whole – getting eye surgery so I’ll never wear any glasses of any kind ever again thing – isn’t working so much the way I planned it.

When my eyes were broken I wore one pair – every day all day. None of this switcheroo, fun, matchy, blingy, fashion, sunglasses, diva shit. I mean really.

Where the hell was the disclaimer on the surgery paperwork telling me I’d spend half my life savings in fake glasses and sunglasses when it was all over?



Rachellabelle - My Hips Don't Lie said...

Your parents sound delightfully interesting. I hope they are enjoying all the freshly laid eggs! haha

Jessica said...

Funny... My roomate is from Chicago and went to an all girls catholic school... Now she is also covered in Tattoos and loves rock music!

Ronnie said...

That reminds me, I need some new sunglasses...

Michelle said...

Ha my (smart alec) daughter would be very quick to tell you that there is actually such a thing as a cucumber spider
I didn't believe her. (I think possibly I still don't)!

MandaPanda said...

Chickens and bugs, eh? Interesting.

As for the fake guess is if real glasses were as affordable as fake glasses, you would've been changing them up all the time also. Just a thought.

You crack me up.

Laura Belle said...

Ok, I thought we had a conversation and agreement about the whole mentioning the S.P.I.D.E.R. thing in our blogs? (even if it was one sided).

Now i'm deathly afraid to walk out to the garden, because I have BOTH cucumbers and tomatoes growing. There could be those scary things on them EVERYWHERE!

Liz said...

Damn, now I need to change my entire wardrobe plan for white socks with ballet flats...check... :)

Karen Butler Ogle said...

I hate spiders, just so you know. I will feel them crawling on me for the rest of the day now. :)

Cece said...

When I wear contact lenses, I still cutie glasses for fashion :)

Elizabeth said...

I love that your parent have a virgin mary in the chicken coop!!!!! hahahahahaha

yay for sunglasses and dive shit!

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

Always interesting Draz!

Amy said...

I had Lasik surgery about 5 years ago. I was blind as a bat before and I only wear glasses when I drive and need to read signs from a further distance. I have like 9,000 pair of sunglasses too.

Hope Mary doesn't get crapped on!

Sandy Lee said...

Your mom is right. There are tomato spiders. Really--go google it. The ones I hate are zucchini spiders. Ooooooo. Hate em all.

Can't wait to see my iKids!

Ms. M said...

Omg... I have missed reading your blog so much. Seriously, I don't know what the heck is wrong with me not finding time to make my way here. The mental picture of the chicken house has me giggling like crazy. And, your deal with the glasses is the reason why I haven't gotten Lasik...I'm sure it would just create a new accessory addiction and seriously I have enough of those don't ya think? LOL

AutumnLeaves said...

By golly this is the place to be, especially when one is in a pissy mood, as I am. Thanks for bringing up the corners of this old nickel mouth a bit.

Laurie said...

I am now picturing chicken shit all over the Virgin M. How's that going to go down? Maybe she needs some pink glasses too.

Bridget said...

I have a small sunglasses fetish...

Cracking up at the Virgin Mary in the Chicken Paradise. Too funny!

Food Freak said...

Good post, as usual. It lifted me up and I needed that. Thanks a bunch, woman. You lightened my load.

Joanna said...

OK, so I had to Google Tomato Spider, cause I've never heard of it either. Apparently there are such disgusting creatures - I've seen them in real life, just didn't know they were called "tomato spiders".

They are HUGE and YELLOW!! Well, they have yellow stripes...and they give me the heeby geebies.

Not sure someone could mistake a widow for a tomato spider.

Dawnya said...

Seriously...they named the dang chickens. I love your family. They make me laugh. BTW...chickens need protecting too.