Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Nakedness. Chinese Ladies. Evil best friends. And mascara.

I never wanna hear any of you say I don’t have balls of steel. Pink, plaid, gargantuan balls of steel.
I might have social anxiety the size of Sheniqua’s ass and Draz’s ego but I’m here to tell you –
it doesn’t stop me.

Let me prove it to you with a little story about nakedness, Chinese ladies, evil best friends and mascara.

It was a beautiful, sunny afternoon at Jenny’s house and our two families were busy swimming and laying out when Jenny’s daughter suddenly out of the kindness of her heart –
decided to give Jenny and I a quick foot massage.

It was after that when Jenny and I decided that we were gonna need more.
Like as in a fully body massage.
We left the boys and kids and headed to the mall. Jenny said she knew just the place.

We go to the massage place.

We decide upon 30 minute massages. I choose the woman to do mine.
She is tiny – she will be gentle – this will feel like butterflies dancing on my back.

She looks at me and says, “You pickah meah sveetheart?”

Yes. I pick you. Don’t make me regret it.

“Oh sveetheart. I do good job. You be so happy. We do you both at same time.
I do you. He do her. You come wis me now.”

No problem. For the next 30 minutes – this body is yours.

She starts shutting curtains. She says, “You takeah off all you clothesah.”

All of them?
(Jenny is already in massage position. Face down. Ready to go.)

“Yes, all of dem. Da whole ting.”

Um, I have nothing on under this dress.


No, nothing.

“NUSSING? NUSSING at all? Why you no has nussing?”

I don’t know – ask my whore best friend who is going to fall off the table because she is laughing so hard.

“Okay – I go. You take off.”

Jesus, Mary and Bart. The curtain has GAPING holes in it. I’m in a MALL. People are right outside – carousing. I want to smack the hell out of Jenny but she is already in massage land when she’s not giggling.

Do any of you know how hard it is to get out of a maxi dress when you’re hot and nervous all the while you’re holding a towel across your titties and hoohah so no one in mall land can see everything you own?

It’s damn near impossible.

Halfway through undressing, my massager whips another towel in cuz apparently she realized when I meant I had “nussing” on – I meant it – and I was gonna need to cover ALL of me and
it was gonna take more than one damn towel.

I finally get undressed.
I lay face down and with my hands up behind me backwards I try to cover my ass and yell,
“I’m ready you crazy lady. Touch my ass crack and you die.”

Okay fine – I just said I was ready.

Now let’s just say the woman may have appeared tiny but weak she was not. She used her entire forearm on my back and freaking massaged my damn ears. She massaged handfuls of my ample ass.
At one point, she put her knee into the palm of my hand and balanced all her body weight on it.
She slapped my back down to my ass cheeks.

Near the end, she stood at the bottom of me by my feet and lifted my leg straight up and I nearly yelled, “Lady – if you’re looking for coochieville – it’s right there – you found it – now put my leg down!”

Before she was done – I kid you not – that tiny woman got on top of me and full on straddled
my naked ass so she could smack me around some more.
I felt slightly violated. And scared.

I thought she might start whipping her hand around and yelling, “Ride ‘em cowboy!”

But she got off.

She says, “How you feel honey?”

I say, “Like naked chopped liver. Thanks a shitload.”

She leaves so I can get dressed.
 Remember how I mentioned how hard it is to get undressed in such a space?
Well – it’s harder to get re-dressed when you feel like none of your limbs move and
you still have to avoid the GAPING holes in the curtains and
some little Chinese lady just beat the hell out of you.

I paid money for this?

F*ck a duck and call me Quackers - that woman beat the ever loving Skittles out of me.

I look like I just came off a 5 day meth binge.
The lady looked at me and said, “You likeah? You come backah?”

I ignored her.

We paid. The lady said, “Sveetheart, you so beautiful.” Jenny giggled – again.
I hate her.

We leave.
Jenny is laughing even harder now because on my way out I say something about my hoochie being violated and Jenny is afraid some Granny shopping in the mall heard me say the word hoochie.

Never mind that she should be concerned that some strange Chinese woman
sat on her social anxiey hive ridden naked best friend’s ass!

Nope – she’s afraid some Granny will hear me say the word hoochie.
For the love of all that is good and holy….I cannot deal.

So then what pops into Jenny’s head next?
We must call Stef (from Dreams of Skinny High Heels)…the pervert of the century next to my
bestie who pretends to be Polly Pureheart.
I have a whole other blog post re: those two pervs.

Anyway, yes, let’s tell another blogger right now about the humiliation I just suffered.

We can’t find Stef’s number. We find ice cream instead.
Jenny thinks I’ll forget the horror I just went through if she buys me ice cream.

We shop at another store. I buy something.
Numerous people look at me. I converse with other human beings.

I get in the car. I look in the mirror.

There is a mascara smudge the size of a small child on my face because
I had laid in the massage table so long.

Do you think my best friend in the entire world told me that was on my face
BEFORE I went shopping?
I look at Jenny and I yell,

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? while I point to my face frantically!

I just talked to a bunch of people with this on my face!
What kind of person are you? You are fired.

She didn’t hear me. She was laughing so hard she was snorting.
She even pretended “she didn’t see it until just now”.
Um yes, Helen Keller could have seen it because the spot was so big honey.

And why the hell did you get to keep YOUR clothes on anyway, you douche canoe?
(Jenny’s new pet name)

She said, "Cuz he’s a boy and I’m a girl I guess. Teehee."

I told Jenny where to shove her “teehee”.

I bet you can’t guess what I heard all weekend, can you?

Every chance she got – all Jenny would say is:

“Nussing? You were wearing nussing? You hussy! I’m truly appalled.”

Yah well.
I’m just naked with a small Chinese woman on my ass with a big black smudge on my face.

We all have our crosses to bear. Wanna trade?

I’ll gladly be "appalled" if you take my “affliction”.

The end.


AutumnLeaves said...

Well that brought the first smirk to my face this fine day! There there Draz...it will all fade away in time. In time...

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

Oh my gosh, I can just picture the two of you now! Too funny!

Vanessa said...

You need your own TV show!!! I just shot coffee out my nose I laughed so hard!!!!

Justawallflower said...

First I have to say, I was relieved to hear that she was straddling you due to the massage. When you previewed the teaser yesterday I imagined a Chinese food delivery woman straddling you!

Jessica said...

Thank you sooo much for the early morning laugh-fest!!!

Jody V said...

My mascara is running down my face I'm laughing so hard! Hope you recovered!

Stephanie said...

Maybe I should have slipped a pair of panties in the package I sent you yesterday.

You'll let youself get felt up, naked at the mall by a strange Chinese woman but are embarrassed (Funny how that is "Bare Assed") buying lube with Jenny.

I really think a field trip is in order.

Shannon said...

lol!! I wish I could have beem there to witness this outing!

your awesome! love ya!

Julie Harmon said...

Holy $hit! I'm literally laughing so hard I'm CRYING! My Director is hollering at me from another room because he can hear me.
OMG..Thank you so much for the laugh!!!
PS I think I will post a link to this post so I can spread the wealth!

Ronnie said...

Hehehehe... sorry. I love you, but that was too funny. NUSSING? I love how those ladies talk, something about it just makes my clothes fall off for a good massage.

What an idea for Chicago! Find a nice massage parlor... that won't try to give me a happy ending.

Fat in Suburbia said...

ROFL. So glad I read this story this morning!

Caron said...

I will probably smile through the entire morning. So funny. :)

Joanna said...

There's no better way to start my day than picturing a tiny Chinese woman straddling you - and yelling "nussing?"

For some reason, I picture Estelle Getty - except the Chinese version.

I know it must have been torture for you, but once again - your torture becomes the pure comedic genius of this blog. Come on, admit it, what would you write about if things like this didn't happen to you???

FitBy40 said...

OH, I'm cryin' over here! That was good. So sorry for your humiliation, but so glad you shared because I'm about to pee my pants (and I have underwear on BTW)!

vickyd said...

I'm sitting here numbed up from my dentist appointment with tears streaming down my face (and I just spit water on my monitor...luckily it didn't come out my nose).

Thanks for the laugh...I really needed it today.

Karen Butler Ogle said...

Great story and I'm glad you had a good time. I've never had a massage before and I think it is safe to say that after your story I will never be getting one. Yikes on being naked in semi-public!

Robyn's Nest said...

I am laughing out loud. Next time, please get a massage somewhere that is not a mall.

Dawnya said...

If I could stop the tears from coming out of my eyes I would have a great comment. But I can't because I can't stop laughing. I love it. Jenny is the bestest best friend EVER!!!


Manda said...

LMAO. You always have great stories. I could actually picture it. Definitely agree, get a massage elsewhere. Not sure if they have Massage Envy places near you...

Rachellabelle - My Hips Don't Lie said...

This would have been the perfect scenario for a sitcom. Man, I wish you could have recorded this! hahahaha Sorry she didn't tell you about the mascara blob.

~Lisa~ said...

Ohhhh I would have paid to have been there - just to see this scenario unfold!! Too funny, wayyyy toooo funny!!

Laura Belle said...

OMG, How I love thee and your horrible situations! It's because you make me snort in public. And roll on the ground holding my tummy.

Both qualities that I think make up a good mini me.

Puffy pink hearts to you!! (PS, I'm really sorry about that traumatic experience.)

Joey said...

Hahahaha!!!!! Jenny told me! Nussing? You aren't the innocent lady you make yourself out to be :)

Beth Ann said...

Lord have mercy. You make me laugh. :)

Stacey said...

OMG, I would have hives too! No one, but NO ONE sees my bare ass ever! I don't even look at that bad boy my own damn self!

Elizabeth said...

I can't read your blog at work any more LMAO. My office mate thinks I've lost it I am laughing sooooo hard. hehehehehe!

Bodacious Boomer said...

Well the next time she slaps your ass at least get her to pull your hair at the same time...

Cat said...

You so need to punch Jenny in the left boob. Oh wait, she did your AWESOME blog design so you cannot. I adore you both. Thank you so much for the snort this evening!

Kelly said...

That was awesome - I totally LMAO! Thanks to you, I don't believe I'll ever get a massage. I have no desire to have strange, foreign ladies straddling me for some reason. I don't think I would enjoy that at all. =)

Dizzy Girl said...

I knew the minute you said "small chinese lady" you were gonna get your ass kicked. Any chinese woman is gonna kick your ass- just know that from now on- I've never met one that did "butterfly" massage. :)

love you like crazy-


Ice Queen said...

I just laughed so hard I think I need to change my undies.

Darlin1 said...

This is just what I need when I get home this late from work!!!


Justine said...

OMG, I'm laughing and laughing and vowing never to have a massage in a mall!

MizFit said...

and yes
for sure
you SO need your own show.


dede said...

I actually HAVE a friend that is a tiny Chinese lady...and I outweigh her by about 100 pounds...and she could absolutely kick my ass too!!
You're hilarious...thanks for the post!!

Miss April said...

I can't stop laughing. I have been wanting to read this post as Kelly references it ever so often (okay, all the time...). It's f*cking hilarious!