I never wanna hear any of you say I don’t have balls of steel. Pink, plaid, gargantuan balls of steel.
I might have social anxiety the size of Sheniqua’s ass and Draz’s ego but I’m here to tell you –
it doesn’t stop me.
Let me prove it to you with a little story about nakedness, Chinese ladies, evil best friends and mascara.
It was a beautiful, sunny afternoon at Jenny’s house and our two families were busy swimming and laying out when Jenny’s daughter suddenly out of the kindness of her heart –
decided to give Jenny and I a quick foot massage.
It was after that when Jenny and I decided that we were gonna need more.
Like as in a fully body massage.
We left the boys and kids and headed to the mall. Jenny said she knew just the place.
We go to the massage place.
We decide upon 30 minute massages. I choose the woman to do mine.
She is tiny – she will be gentle – this will feel like butterflies dancing on my back.
She looks at me and says, “You pickah meah sveetheart?”
Yes. I pick you. Don’t make me regret it.
“Oh sveetheart. I do good job. You be so happy. We do you both at same time.
I do you. He do her. You come wis me now.”
No problem. For the next 30 minutes – this body is yours.
She starts shutting curtains. She says, “You takeah off all you clothesah.”
All of them?
(Jenny is already in massage position. Face down. Ready to go.)
“Yes, all of dem. Da whole ting.”
Um, I have nothing on under this dress.
“NUSSING? NUSSING at all? Why you no has nussing?”
I don’t know – ask my whore best friend who is going to fall off the table because she is laughing so hard.
“Okay – I go. You take off.”
Jesus, Mary and Bart. The curtain has GAPING holes in it. I’m in a MALL. People are right outside – carousing. I want to smack the hell out of Jenny but she is already in massage land when she’s not giggling.
Do any of you know how hard it is to get out of a maxi dress when you’re hot and nervous all the while you’re holding a towel across your titties and hoohah so no one in mall land can see everything you own?
It’s damn near impossible.
Halfway through undressing, my massager whips another towel in cuz apparently she realized when I meant I had “nussing” on – I meant it – and I was gonna need to cover ALL of me and
it was gonna take more than one damn towel.
I finally get undressed.
I lay face down and with my hands up behind me backwards I try to cover my ass and yell,
“I’m ready you crazy lady. Touch my ass crack and you die.”
Okay fine – I just said I was ready.
Now let’s just say the woman may have appeared tiny but weak she was not. She used her entire forearm on my back and freaking massaged my damn ears. She massaged handfuls of my ample ass.
At one point, she put her knee into the palm of my hand and balanced all her body weight on it.
She slapped my back down to my ass cheeks.
Near the end, she stood at the bottom of me by my feet and lifted my leg straight up and I nearly yelled, “Lady – if you’re looking for coochieville – it’s right there – you found it – now put my leg down!”
Before she was done – I kid you not – that tiny woman got on top of me and full on straddled
my naked ass so she could smack me around some more.
I felt slightly violated. And scared.
I thought she might start whipping her hand around and yelling, “Ride ‘em cowboy!”
But she got off.
She says, “How you feel honey?”
I say, “Like naked chopped liver. Thanks a shitload.”
She leaves so I can get dressed.
Remember how I mentioned how hard it is to get undressed in such a space?
Well – it’s harder to get re-dressed when you feel like none of your limbs move and
you still have to avoid the GAPING holes in the curtains and
some little Chinese lady just beat the hell out of you.
I paid money for this?
F*ck a duck and call me Quackers - that woman beat the ever loving Skittles out of me.
I look like I just came off a 5 day meth binge.
The lady looked at me and said, “You likeah? You come backah?”
I ignored her.
We paid. The lady said, “Sveetheart, you so beautiful.” Jenny giggled – again.
I hate her.
Jenny is laughing even harder now because on my way out I say something about my hoochie being violated and Jenny is afraid some Granny shopping in the mall heard me say the word hoochie.
Never mind that she should be concerned that some strange Chinese woman
sat on her social anxiey hive ridden naked best friend’s ass!
Nope – she’s afraid some Granny will hear me say the word hoochie.
For the love of all that is good and holy….I cannot deal.
So then what pops into Jenny’s head next?
We must call Stef (from Dreams of Skinny High Heels)…the pervert of the century next to my
bestie who pretends to be Polly Pureheart.
I have a whole other blog post re: those two pervs.
Anyway, yes, let’s tell another blogger right now about the humiliation I just suffered.
We can’t find Stef’s number. We find ice cream instead.
Jenny thinks I’ll forget the horror I just went through if she buys me ice cream.
We shop at another store. I buy something.
Numerous people look at me. I converse with other human beings.
I get in the car. I look in the mirror.
There is a mascara smudge the size of a small child on my face because
I had laid in the massage table so long.
Do you think my best friend in the entire world told me that was on my face
BEFORE I went shopping?
I look at Jenny and I yell,
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? while I point to my face frantically!
I just talked to a bunch of people with this on my face!
What kind of person are you? You are fired.
She didn’t hear me. She was laughing so hard she was snorting.
She even pretended “she didn’t see it until just now”.
Um yes, Helen Keller could have seen it because the spot was so big honey.
And why the hell did you get to keep YOUR clothes on anyway, you douche canoe?
(Jenny’s new pet name)
She said, "Cuz he’s a boy and I’m a girl I guess. Teehee."
I told Jenny where to shove her “teehee”.
I bet you can’t guess what I heard all weekend, can you?
Every chance she got – all Jenny would say is:
“Nussing? You were wearing nussing? You hussy! I’m truly appalled.”
I’m just naked with a small Chinese woman on my ass with a big black smudge on my face.
We all have our crosses to bear. Wanna trade?
I’ll gladly be "appalled" if you take my “affliction”.