Thursday, August 11, 2011

Rambo and Banana and Mind Blowing Palm Trees

If you think I’m only writing a second post today to redeem myself after writing about sex toys…

Well – fine - you’re right.

Before I start though I’d like to ask…where the hell were all of you BEFORE I wrote that lovely sex toy post?

On the way to work it dawned on me the sheer amount of nasty actual perverts that will find my blog based on the amount of disgusting words I used in that post. Nasty words I had never heard before uttered to my virgin ears by Polly and Pervy. My ears still hurt.

Though I’m not sure if it’s from the new words or the Chinese lady massaging them.

I ask you – who massages ears? NUSSING makes sense anymore.

Well, NUSSING except this.

Two little tidbits to relate today.

Yesterday I left work early because Rambo is on vacation and was taking our girls and the neighbor kids to a local lake to swim. Two other parents and their kids were going too. Normally I never would have gone. I wouldn’t have used my massive amounts of time off – but I’m learning and growing – so I went.

Never even got hives. My stomach never even flipped once. I don’t recall being nervous even for a second.

Holy hell – but this social thing is getting easier – bit by bit.

Maybe it’s the tequila and Xanax. Hmm.

Anywhoozle…at one point I stepped back by myself to take it all in.

To memorize the moment if you will. To appreciate this space in time.

All the older kids were lining up. They were playing “who can race into the water from the beach the fastest”.

I could see Rambo sneaking up behind them. They didn’t know he planned to race with them.

He did and he won and they all laughed. As he swam back to shore, Banana, spotted her Dad in the water and ran over to him. She couldn’t possibly have smiled any bigger.

He reached out his arms to her.

I sucked in my breath.

He scooped her up. She giggled. He put her back down and squatted down to her level in the water and they talked.

Probably about world peace.

And then they separated – he back to the beach and her back to her friend.

A completely normal, commonplace occurrence.

To them.

But not to me.

Never, ever to me.

In the distance, I had a wipe a tear from my cheek before anyone saw it under my cheetah sunglasses.

Like I said, it was such a normal exchange between father and daughter. One I would have given anything for. One I’d give everything for if I could go back and get it.

He touched her. He’s not afraid of her, nor is she afraid of him.

He can’t get enough of her, nor she of him.

She trusts him – sometimes more than she trusts herself and always more than she trusts anyone else.

He’d die for her – in an instant.

You can’t look at him looking at her and not feel the intensity of his love for her.

It makes my heart swell – for her…and break – for me – all at the same time.

I suppose that’s selfish. To be happy for her – but hurt for the little girl that will always remain inside of me.

You could tell me to get over it. To stop living in the past and wanting something that can never be. But feeling sad over something I wanted that my own father could have given me – isn’t wrong – it’s just how I feel. And I don’t have to get over it – I just have to accept it.

I choose to accept it by finding the beauty in what I didn’t have – in what Rambo and Banana do have.

I swore that I would marry a man NOT like my father. I swore with everything in me if I ever had a little girl that never a day would go by when she would question if I or her father loved her. I swore she’d be kissed and hugged EVERY day.

I made good on all of those.

Cycle broken. Done and done.


Tidbit #2

Watermelon brought a friend to the lake yesterday.

She is diva-licious. More so even than my Watermelon.

We went to a beach remember? Like with dirt and sand and bugs and grass. This girl brought wads of nail polish. To do nails. On the beach. In the sand. On her zebra towel.

She’s my kind of kid.

Before the night was over – back at home – they did more nails. I told her she could paint a design on my big toe.

She asked what I wanted.

I said, “Surprise me.” – never really expecting her answer.

That 10 year old diva looked me square in the eyes with her hand on her hip and said:

“I’m going to blow your mind away, okay?”

Um, okay. I guess. Should I be scared? It’s just a damn toe.

Then she got out her mini chain saw.

I’m kidding. Jesus.

I would have busted a gut laughing but this girl was dead ass serious and she would have been insulted.

Case in point: I’ve got some “blow your mind” palm trees on my toes.

There you have it – a blow your mind paint job and a naked Chinese massage all within a week’s time.

I’m officially spent.

I can’t take anymore.


Caron said...

I love this post and I can totally relate to the Father part. Also love that you have palm trees on your toes. :)

Jacquie said...

LOL...I'm so happy you were there with your family instead of behind a desk. You've come a long way baby girl!

Laura Belle said...

I hope Ryan is half as Dadtastic as Rambo! Then my world will be complete.

I'd like to see those 'blow your mind palm trees' on your pretty little toes please. I bet they are awesome!

Ronnie said...

Dangit, now you got me laughin' and cryin' all in the same post. Can definitely relate to the dad issue. And I agree with Laura Belle, we def need to see these palms!

Daffy said...

Makes me all the more bummed that I'm sitting behind a desk right now.... I'm super happy got a blow job and had happy beach time.


Did that sound weird?

MandaPanda said...

LMAO @ watermelon's friend. I can't wait until my kids are old enough to start that stuff.

Cycle Broken. Well done.

Kristin50 said...

You crack me up! Seriously. I know how you feel about the father thing. I want you to know that you are strong to be able to move past it.

It is not easy and I struggle with it each and every day as well!

You had a relaxing time it sounds like!

Joey said...

Yep, it all happens for a reason. Your relationship with your dad wasn't ideal, but you have made damn sure you married a man who would have the ideal relationship with the kiddos. Done and done :)

Rachellabelle - My Hips Don't Lie said...

That's such a beautiful story about Banana and Rambo. I would have loved that in my childhood too. I understand where you're coming from.

Hilarious about a 10 year old diva that promises to blow your mind. Fun times!

terbear287 said...

you make me laugh and cry.....

My dad wasn't big on showing emotion/affection and I know now that he loves me and would do anything for me. It was more difficult when I was younger.

I thought I picked a winner to be the father of my children, turns out being deployed, (in his mind) causes you to re-evaluate and now he is married to someone else with 2 kids between them and her 2 from before. They live less than 20 minutes away and haven't seen my daughter since May.

Fortunately I did pick a good one to take on the "father figure" role and she adores him more than anything, and he too would die for the little girl that doesn't share a drop of blood. Guess it just goes to show you.

Congrats on picking your winner!

terbear287 said...

oh and how about a pict of them blow your mind palm trees

Banded Mommy (Angie) said...

I can totally relate to the father thing. The one thing that I promised myself also was that the man I married was going to be a good, supportive, loving father. One of the things that I fell in love with first with my husband was that he was a good dad. He loves his kids and I could not have asked for a better dad to be married to. I had a distant father. Lived close but never showed the "love". Never hugged or kissed just for the hell of it. Never had those deep one on one looks into each others eyes. I hope that we have a little girl one day. I know my husband will melt if we ever do.

As far as those Diva's...keep them close...they could learn a lot from you!!

BTW... I got a Harley catalog today (not mine, someone's from down the street that our stupid mailman could not read the right address on) and of course thought of you. If you do not have it I could send it to you! Lots of cute pink stuff! :)

Justawallflower said...

I'm a firm believer that nobody should ever feel bad for what they feel. It doesn't matter if we feel the same or not, you feel whatyou feel, and there is no shame in that. I can't tell you any close parent/daughter stories with my mom or dad. They were both emotionally unavailable growing up. I never want my daugther to feel that way about me. Sometimes she may though. I'm working on that.

Cece said...

Even if you did not have the relationship you wanted - you ARE part of the cycling breaking ... now pass me a damn kleenex !

Cat said...

I so very seriously felt a tear slip while reading about Rambo and Banana. So very glad you have a family unlike your own childhood. Very good job on your man choice. :) I can relate in one way - I didn't have Dad at all. My parents divorced when I was a toddler. I have always been envious of Dads, but I believe I've grown up well. So glad Banana has a Rambo'tastic Daddy!

Mary said...

Thank you for sharing such a sweet emotional moment with your family with us. I'm new to your blog within the last few months but always enjoy your writing. Looking forward to getting to know you. Mary

Righteous Runner said...

Cycle broken. beautiful!

Beautiful! Beautiful! Beautiful! I've learned more and more that the relationship between father and daughter (or strong male figure, or strong other figure) is incredibly important. I thank my lucky stars everyday that I had a Rambo dad. And I have very high (probably too high) expectations now for what I'd want to see in a father to my children.

Have I gushed about your blog yet? This is me gushing! I love it! :-)

Dawnya said...

OMG...why are you always writing what I'm thinking. I feel the same about Charles and Peyton. I really wish I had been blessed withthat gift of a father's love.

I so love Watermelons little friend. She sounds like a blast.

MizFit said...

this is me GUSHING TOO.

and this is me apparently needing a thesaurus.

AutumnLeaves said...

Draz, I don't know how you always manage it but you just started my day with its first smile.

Julie Harmon said...

Ditto, what Autumn said. And also, your a wise, wise woman! :)

mirilapband said...

Wonderful post!

Beth Ann said...

First a little tear for the sweet Rambo/Banana exchange. I love it when Fathers show love to their daughters. Second a laugh for Watermelon's friend. She sounds so much better than that terror bully!!