Thursday, August 18, 2011

Ss, Ms and JPDs.

Another installment of Ss, Ms, and JPDs for your enjoyment or not.

Ss =  Shockers

Ms = Morsels (of info you could do without)

JPDs = Just Plain Dumb (things you'd be fine if you never knew about)

Let's start, shall we?

Shocker:   Today TWO - count them - TWO - of the pens that I have stolen recently stopped working.  Out of ink.  I mean really - how often do pens really run out of ink?  Like never.  Just a fluke or kharma?? 

You decide

My clepto days may be numbered if this is how the kharma Gods want to f*ck with me. 

Morsel:  The other night I got home and right after work we went to soccer.  Then we got home and we took showers.  We tucked the girls into bed. I took a bath.  Rambo came in to do laundry.  I was eating a cookie - yes - while in the bath.  A thought occurred to me while I was eating this cookie in my bath.  I asked Rambo about this thought. 

I asked, "Hey, did you feed the girls supper?" 

He says, "Nope - did you?"

Shit.  No.  I saw one of them with a cookie earlier.

Holy blistering banana butts.  Parents of the year right here. 

Our kids may starve to death but we're gonna win that trophy I tell you.

Who the hell forgets to feed their kids?

Just Plain Dumb:  My 5 year old Banana says a multitude of words backwards or mixed up or something.  If I was a good parent, I might be concerned she was dyslexic or something but see the above story and you'll know I'm not a good parent - so I just think it's cute.

Three of the words are:

coathouse - AKA - housecoat
Yew Nork - AKA - New York
macercial - AKA - commercial

And actualy that's it.  Just those three.  Cute yes?

Morsel:  I am contemplating running again.  For the first time in my life I'm contemplating running because I miss it - I miss sweating and I miss the way it makes me feel. 

Remember when I decided earlier this year that I wasn't going to train for a marathon?  That I believed in signs and that no matter how hard and long I looked for my training book - I could not find it?

I found it.  Just like losing it was a sign...I believe so is finding it.

I want to run - just to run...not to lose weight.........but to run.  Because I am a runner.

Shocker:  You all know I am a list making color coding multiple planner owner kind of OCD girl.  I own more pens than Bic.  Literal boxes of pens folks - some I even bought instead of stole.  Staples is my favorite store.  School supply shopping is nearly as good as an orgasm to me. Sometimes I go in the aisle and just sniff folders. 

Much to my dismay - as an adult - when buying for multiple children - I have figured out school supply shopping is not as fun.  Especially when these days school supply lists have things such as spoons and anti-bacterial wipes on them.

What the fuh?  My mother never even knew what an anti-bacterial wipe was much less shoved them in my back pack to take to school and I lived.  Jesus frick. 

Shocker:  Tonight I went to the local fair.  I didn't want to.  Carnival workers (carnies) and social anxiety disorder just don't mix.  But my girls were so excited they nearly peed their pants at the thought of our family going to the fair.  So I went. 

And in the end - Rambo talked me into using our last ride tickets to ride a ride with both our girls.

Green and purple dinosaurs.  Whose heads turn.  While you spin in a circle.  AND go up and down.

It's enough to make you want to vomit.  As you smile and pretend you're having the time of your life.

Sometimes I even surprise myself. 

As a kid - I never went to a fair.  Never once did either of my parents go on a ride with me.

Again - cycle broken.  Done and done.

Shocker:  And this one is a doozy.  Carnies do not have teeth.  Nor do they wear bras.  And to attain a job as a carnie one must have at least 3 hickies in obvious places.  Oh and big saggy boobs.  That's a must.  Also - having only one eye that works almost always instantly guarantees you a job. 

Have you ever wondered why carnival workers can't afford such luxuries as deodorant or toothbrushes considering the amount of money just one family drops in one night between fair rides and carnival food?

I feel like carnivals are like the government.  Where the hell does all the money go?

Yes - I'm aware I'm going to Hell.  I already have my seat picked out.

That's it for got any Ss, Ms or JPDs to share?  I'd love to hear 'em!


AutumnLeaves said...

I can always count on you to make me laugh and to tell it like it is. Actually, I'm known for that myself but alas, not always with the same sense of humor you have. That said, how can one OCD klepto forget to feed her kids, hmmm???? The vagaries of OCDs, I tell ya'. Ah well, they had a cookie and if they were hungry they would have told you, mmmkay?

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

Thanks for my morning giggle! Forgetting to feed the kids is classic!

Joanna said...

We should start our own PTA - cause I know I've done the same dinner thing more times than I care to admit.

I'm with ya on the school supplies, too. My office at home looks like a school supply store room - and I still buy more each year. I guess the Ziploc bags and tissues are a way to keep my head from completely falling off in excitement.

Oh - and save me a seat in Hell, m'kay? I feel that if I get to spend eternity sitting next to you - I will be just fine...regardless of fire, hot pokey sticks up my ass, or demons barking orders.

Cece said...

I'm guessing I'll go all day and not read the word carnie or hickie again ... thanks for the laugh !

Shannon said...

lol, i love it! thamks for the smiles

Braveheart said...

I hope my mom never forgot to feed me... :s

Thanks for the laugh! You really should write a book, I love your humour!

Dawnya said...

Carnie's are hilarious. I often find myself staring at them, because I too can't understand why they refuse to use deodarant and toothbrushes. Seriously...

Cat said...

I swear I cannot stand carnies either. : ( It's just something about the teeth missing that makes me shiver.

So glad you rode the vomit inducing ride with your girls. That will definately be one of their "keeper" memories. And seriously - the girls probably weren't that hungry or they would have asked for dinner right? I don't have kids, but my dog knocks his bowl around if we don't feed him. I assume that means he's hungry! :)

Lynda said...

To this day I have a hard time saying "keychain"--it comes out "cheykain" 99% of the time.

Also hard is "Wynona Ryder"--almost always pronounced "Rynona Wyder"--of course, I don't try to say her name so much these days. It was much more of a problem in the 80's when she was still famous.

Caron said...

I always wondered why kids would say bussketti instead of spaghetti. My oldest called cookies teekoos. I have trouble with municipality. Try to avoid that word at all costs! Fun post. :)

MandaPanda said...

This is one of my favorite posts lately...and yes, the mixed up word thing is cute. And I hate carnies...not as people..I'm sure they're very nice but I don't like dealing with them and the goldfish you win always die within days. Can they even give away goldfish anymore? Or is PETA like all over their asses about it? Hmm...

Ronnie said...

I forgot to feed my kids lunch a few days ago, it was about 3:00 pm and they were crying because they were hungry. Oops!

But never dinner, mostly b/c the rest of the family will be home and one must keep up the "good mother" charade. Even though I sometimes forget to feed their little asses lunch.

Save me a seat!

Rachellabelle - My Hips Don't Lie said...

HAHAHAHA I haven't been to a carnival in ages. I forgot what the carnies looked like. I think you nailed them exactly. Definitely scarier than the rides.

Amanda Kiska said...

There's no way my kids would ever let me forget to feed them. Too funny!

We're going to the fair on Saturday. I can't wait! LOL!

Elizabeth said...

Carnies = scary gross!!!!

Too funny that you forgot to feed them but who cares about eating when the coolest parents ever took them to the fair!!! :)

And I don't know about you guys but we don't get home from soccer till after 8:00 so dinner is always an after thought on those days. Plus I would rather have her go to bed and not wake up grumpy in the morning than eat lol

Kelly said...

I have a thing for different colored Post Its. Pens don't really do it for me. And thanks for reminding me why I avoid carnivals like the plague. Shudder.

Jessica said...

It's not uncommon in the small town where I work for the teenagers to "run away with the carnies!" We will see them again in a year...still part of the carnie family.
Joe Dirt, however, made Carnies "cool"

Annie said...

You are so funny! I love your posts, and you make me smile daily!

Laura Belle said...

I think carnies (which freak me out too) spend all their money on smokes (of all kinds) and cheap beer. Because that's all you need in Carnie World. Have you ever listened to them talk? It's like they have their own language. That only they can understand. Yep, I'm going to Hell too. I'll bring my feathers if you bring yours. Deal?

This made me laugh BTW, needed it this morning. Friday should be *fun*, right? Nope, it's a drag today.

Julie Harmon said...

EFFF! That was hilarious!!!! I love your honesty and the way you put it out there!!

Justawallflower said...

Just think of how enjoyable your runs are going to be when your running just for the sake of running!

I totally have forgotten to feed my kid before, she uaully requires being fed every two hours or so, so when time goes by and she doesn't inform me she is dying of hunger, I sometimes "forget"!!!!