Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Titties, besties and roadmaps.

I’d like to point out that the sap-fest that follows is ALL Jenny’s (my BFF) fault. She is working on a new blog design for me that is ULTRA personal and she staying up into the wee hours of the morning working on it and well….let’s just say it floors me.


Let’s just also say that I’m not used to anyone going out of their way to do something for me – because they love me – other than Rambo. I’ve spent most of my life feeling like I don’t matter and when Jenny makes me feel like I matter – well I’m a blobbering mess.

Yup, I got a preview of the design – and I sat in my office and cried. Big, fat, emotional, ugly cry, red face, snot dripping in my Mountain Dew tears rolling down my chubby cheeks. All before 8am.

And since no one knows I blog – I can’t tell a damn soul why.

I had to lie and pretend that Explosive Man let one rip before he made it to the bathroom and I was ass-fixiating on the smell. Seriously – not a hard lie to sell around here.

Sometimes the fact that I waited 35 years to re-find Jenny and that I have a person in my life I can say is my best friend – just takes my breath away. Jenny has become so much a part of my identity that I don’t know where I end and she begins.

On that note – does anyone have a perfectly rounded right titty I can borrow?


NO? What the hell? Remember I had reduction nearly 10 years ago? (Rambo cried that day) I think I was a double E or some damn thing. No one will ever know because I wore bras that were too small for me and just shoved the extra under my armpits and made back boobs.


Anywhoozle – breast reduction equals two titties the exact same size. Symetrical, surgery-induced perfection in both size and shape. I had begged the doctor to slice the suckerts off to less than flat (and even concave if he so desired) and he refused….the bastard. Instead he gave me perfect twin Cs.

Until now – when according to my sister who I tried on a new bikini for – insists that my right boob is now bigger than my left.


Damn it all to hell. Does anyone have a small bunny I can stomp on? Why when I lose weight does it come out of my boobs first and obviously only out of ONE? Do you think God does this to me because yesterday I put acid in Martha Stewart’s tea when she wasn’t looking?

I’m a walking logistical nightmare.

Fake nails.
Fake hair.
Fake tan.
Sliced and diced muscles sewn back together via a tummy tuck
Whacked off non-the-same itty bitty saggy boobies
Tattoos amuck.
Hairy ass crack. (oh shit – wait – I didn’t mean to type that one)
Scars inside and outside and stretch marks aplenty.
20 extra pounds hanging out in places I can’t even see
And hell – you should see my heart…it’s a roadmap of broken dreams and love overflowing ……..

But every part is mine and I swear to you I’ve never been happier with my body and
 I’ve never been more ecstatic to really feel and believe that.

Le sigh….there you go – titties and besties and body roadmaps ……it beats Italian Calf Hair right?

28 comments:

Jen said...

*blowing kisses*

Darlin1 said...

You are soooooooooo special!!

Bonnie said...

ohhh the italian calf hair flashback just made me shudder.....lol

LOVE YOUR BODY GIRL....it's yours!!!!

Stacey said...

Much better than Italian calf hair!

We all need a Jen in our lives! :)

Ice Queen said...

I just love reading your heart on your page, love. <333

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

Smile!

Jacquie said...

I cannot wait to hug you in Chicago...you make me smile, laugh and cry...all in the same blog!

MrsFatass said...

Oh you. I just love you. And am envious of the fact that you have a Jenny. And size C tittays.

Ronnie said...

Can't believe she'd point that out (meany!), I'd measure 'em and prove her wrong! lol

Ronnie said...

Oh, and I'm super jealous that you have a Jenny! :)

Cat said...

My Jenny's name is Robyn. : ) I also have found incredible amounts of love and support in this crazy blogland. I *heart* you so much dearie!

Robyn's Nest said...

And my Jenny is named Cat. It is great to be loved (and to love).
Be happy, take and give the love Jenny and Rambo give to you. We only live once (unless you believe in reincarnation...)

Samantha said...

Very jealous of your Jenny. I need a Jenny :) but you're awesome, scars and all!

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

You are just the cutest! Can't wait to see you and Jen!

Laura Belle said...

Le Sigh is right:-)

You are so damn lucky to have a besty right there within 'reach'!

Stephanie said...

Jenny is a total dreamboat and you are indeed lucky as poop in a litterbox, but Jenny also hit the frend lottery jackpot when you entered her life. You two are like PB&J. Lobster and butter. Milk and Oreos. Penis & vagina.

That's a forever bond. :)

Beth Ann said...

Very sweet! Everyone should have a fantastic BFF. :)

Bridget said...

Your post made me miss my BFF alot!

Cece said...

Sorry, no perfectly rounded right tittie to spare ... but if I had an extra - I'd get it right over to you :)

Stace said...

"Does anyone have a small bunny I can stomp on?" LOL!!!!!

Elizabeth said...

You make me smile :)

Nikki said...

I would rather have two "itty bitty" saggie boobies than the big ol honkin saggie boobies I have had since 14...Like...sag so much my nipple points to my stomach...LOL...was that TMI? :)

<3 You make me smile!

Darlin1 said...

Please send me an email to tell me whom I am to write about...

XO

AutumnLeaves said...

Nothing is sacred with you and I LOVE IT!! I wish I had a best friend. I always had at least one best friend and now it is me, myself, and I...and I suppose Michael but he doesn't get me. For sure. And I grew up feeling exactly the same and when a few fellow blogging artists have gifted me, I have also been reduced to a huge puddle o' tears. I am so blessed with blogging friends, at least!

Rachellabelle - My Hips Don't Lie said...

Such a sweet entry. That made me smile. :)

Kelly said...

Perfectly round boobs? I'm looking, hold on! Hmm, sorry, don't seem to have an extra one to give ya. =)

Julie Harmon said...

Oh, that is a GREAT blog!!

Read said...

If I lose weight I do not lose in my boobs. If I gain weight they are the first things that get bigger. I've dieted myself up several cup sizes.