Thursday, August 11, 2011

The Triple XXX rated sitch.ee.a.shun.

Okay – brace yourself – it’s about to get all steamy up in here.

I’m blushing already.
But the thing is – there are some things I can’t not blog about.

I mean you know it’s good and blogworthy when before you blog about it – you have to get permission to do so because blogging about it could seriously embarrass and shame the people involved.

Here we go.  Are you ready?

As most of you know, I’m on the planning committee for the upcoming annual BOOBs
(Band of Outrageous Babes) event. Approximately 60 women, who all blog, gather in Chicago
once a year to laugh, talk and make memories.

And though it may be shocking – I’m going to admit that not all of the planning is serious 100% of the time.

I have proof. And it’s XXX rated.

One day two planners and I were discussing activities that are planned for the 3 days in Chicago….
like the drag show, theatre shows, museum tours, jazzercise and such.
All very saintly, innocent activities.
Yes? Yes indeed.

And we were also discussing the donated items that we have acquired to put in our swag bags.

When out of nowhere - one completely perveristic planner (who shall remain unnamed..(Cough, Cough, it rhymes with "Blefanie") ) says that we so need to find a company to donate some kind of “sexual” product.

This certain soccer sadistic mom starts whipping out words like “Vibratex” and “magic wands” and "extreme restraints" and saying things like “women would sell their souls for one” and ending with
“We all do it – so why not enjoy it?”

Whoa whoa whoa!! Back the horse up! Who the hell is this WE you’re talking about?

We all do what exactly?

Too late – the other dirty minded planner has already chimed in with,
“Oh yes – let’s see if we can get some “Wet”. That’d be a great sample.
One time I made Draz buy some of that at Walgreens and she almost died right there.
Good memories!”

Good memories for who? I think I passed out twice during that shopping trip and
I remember meeting a priest in the parking lot.
I sprinted so fast to the car I lost all the oxygen to my brain
(which could explain these reedonkulous blog posts).
I had no idea that stuff was called “Wet”.
And PS – one year later and I still have the whole bottle.

Pervy Planner says, “The strawberry kiwi flavor is fab! Maybe I’ll surprise you with a bottle in Chicago!”

Polly Pureheart Planner says, “Use that stuff – live a little – what the hell is wrong with you?”

I reply, “What the holy hell? You can eat it?
In the name of all that is holy and pure –why would you do that –
when there’s perfectly good pizza in the world?”

Pervy Planner says, “Sweet Lord, Draz. You don’t use it like a topping for ice cream.
 It just enhances things and adds a bit of flavor. I’m trying to be a lady with my wording here.”

I say, “How’s this for fancy “lady” wording?
Why put caramel topping on ice cream when the vanilla ice cream alone is divine?”

At this point – a whole new planner chimes in with:

“Nice. It’s 8am. I was offline yesterday.
I need coffee, just read these emails and now I’m horny.
Thanks assholes.”

Back to the nastiest conversation from hell:

Pervy Planner now suggests that I be the Point of Contact and Tour Guide for a
sex toy shop tour while in Chicago.
There is a “nice” one just blocks from our hotel so she says.

I say, “Define nice. If I fall down and break my arm in a puddle of some old guy’s semen
– I’m suing your ass.”

Polly Pureheart Planner says, “Just call ahead of time and ask what they have in stock so we can make sure that the tour is educational. You know like do they have 42 inch glass c*cks?”

Pervy Planner says, “Oh hey - here’s a handy tip. Put them in your freezer."
I say, “The day I do that my 10 year old will go in the freezer to grab a cherry popsicle and get a 42 inch glass c*ck instead. Go wash your mouth out with soap. Or go to confession. Shame on you.
You call that a handy tip?  In my world a handy tip is:
"Always wear underwear to the Chinese massage parlor."

Pervy Planner says, “Polly is the one who should go to church. I’m an innocent soccer mom.
I have no idea what ANY of these things are.”

Polly Pureheart Planner says, “I simply suggested Draz call and inquire about a few
specialty products before doing an “educational” tour.
I only want the best for our group.”

I say, “Educational my ass. You want me covered in hives. I’m breaking up with you, Polly Pureheart.
 Now who wants to be my new best friend?”

“I’m also gonna need a new roommate. Cuz I’m afraid of Polly now. And I can’t room with Pervy.
Cuz Pervy puts things in freezers that aren’t food.”

The reply to that?

Polly Pureheart says, “I just peed my pants.”

Pervy Planner replies with, "Can't. Type.  Laughing.  Too. Hard."

I tell you what.  These planners can't handle NUSSING. 
And that's all that I have to say.
**************************
Wanna know the absolute worst part about this entire email chain?

One of us accidentally put a wrong email address in the TO box….it seems one of our planners shares the same first name as an attendee.

So like let’s say there’s a Patty Planner and a Patty Attendee…and we were SUPPOSED to use Patty Planner’s email address and instead we accidentally used Patty Attendee’s email –
on the day we decide to discuss 42 inch c*cks.

Jesus, Mary and Bart – did Patty Attendee get an earful that day.

Shitballs….we’re sorry.

Patty Attendee - we owe you a drink.

We really are innocent – most of the time.


39 comments:

AutumnLeaves said...

I was going to suggest a meet up but after all that? I'm askeered. Very askeered. (And no, we don't ALL do it! Honest Injun)

Vanessa said...

Too funny ~ Now I really wish I was going to Chicago with you all! Glass C*cks and all!!

Jessica said...

Why oh why must BOOBS be in the fall...I'm gonna miss ALL the fun!!!!

Kristin50 said...

I am laughing so hard my protein shake came out my nose! Thanks guys I can't wait to meet you all in The Windy City.....I love a little warm spice anytime! LOL

Cece said...

It has been worth surgery and not loosing weight just to find and read these posts :) Thanks for the lol - need it !

Julie Harmon said...

Just when I thought Chinese massage was my fav blog...ROFLMAO!
I wish I could go! Your life seems waaaay fun!

Stephanie said...

I just have to say that these are "nussing" but total and complete lies. But I really think I'm going to whip out the handcuffs and kidnap you, Draz, and take you to the store.

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

Great, I laughed to hard my yogurt sprayed on my computer screen......wait, that sounded nasty.

Dawnya said...

Okay Draz....I'm with Stephanie on the kidnapping and taking you to the store. LOL

This would be a great "educational activity". I know TONS of stores in the area that we would just love.

I love the freezer idea by the way.

Stephanie said...

My roommate, Dawnya, is just as much as a perv as I am! Lord help us!

Jen said...

I'm with Stephanie - all LIES - and YES, let's kidnap her. She needs to be educated.

Bodacious Boomer said...

The meetup sounds fabulous, And who doesn't love swag? But I've never been a big fan of the flavored lotions and potions. They always sound better than they really taste.

We keep a set of sheets dedicated to play time and then use real food. I think it's much more fun.

vickyd said...

OMG! Now I REALLY wish I was able to attend BOOBS (If nussing else but to watch them handcuff Draz and take her to the store for "education")...LOL

Fluffy said...

So...have you called yet? Tee hee. Aw, come on, that was a tiny bit funny? ;)

Anonymous said...

Patty Attendee here ... I thought the email chain was HILARIOUS!! In fact, it made me not so scared to meet you all in person :) No harm done.



I think ... ;)

Ronnie said...

Hehehe.

Samantha said...

hehehehehehe! Oh the fun to be had. Wish I was going!

Rachellabelle - My Hips Don't Lie said...

I'm nearly speechless. Two questions: why glass and why the freezer? haha

Alexis said...

O.M.G. I'm laughing so hard and this makes me so freaking sad that I am not going to be making Chicago this year dammit!!!!

Liz said...

HIL-AR-IOUS.

Read said...

Why was Patty attendee anoymous - that's what i want to know...

As for the rest... Well first of all I'm totally jealous I missed this conversation and second of all I hope you didn't lose track of the initial suggestion and that you are looking into some sex swag - that would be a fantastic souvenir from the trip!!! And third of all... hmmmm, glass in the freezer.... now you're talking!

Anonymous said...

Patty A. here again ... I wasn't sure Draz wanted anyone to know who got pulled into the crazy email convo! :)

Carmen said...

lol! omg! awesome.... stef remember i am rooming w draz so if you want me to take a pic of her in bed w a giant inflatable weiner just say the word...and give me the giant inflatable weiner...oh sorry draz ;-)

Stephanie said...

Carmen, I'll have to get the inflatable penis out of storage, ok?

Justawallflower said...

Oh my, I'm all for the swag, and definitely for the pic post of draz passed out in bed with an inflatable penis. Who's taking charge on this tour?

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

I love you BOOBS! I think we had some KY samples in last year's bag...or was that my imagination?

Banded Mommy (Angie) said...

Stephanie- I seem to have a edjamacation in that subject. My ex bf from high school worked in a lovely store like that when we were in college. We MUST take Draz! There is no other way around it. I can tell her all about all kinds of things! :) I am super excited I get to room with you all...even if it is for one night!! :)

Banded Mommy (Angie) said...

Stephanie- I seem to have a edjamacation in that subject. My ex bf from high school worked in a lovely store like that when we were in college. We MUST take Draz! There is no other way around it. I can tell her all about all kinds of things! :) I am super excited I get to room with you all...even if it is for one night!! :)

Banded Mommy (Angie) said...

Sorry blogger is f'ed up again!

Cat said...

OMG this is hysterical! I absolutely love you ladies and sooo wish I were attending this year. I just know there has to be a 3rd Annual and you bet your sweet asses I won't be missing that one!

Kelly said...

I'm not sure how to respond to this. Why the freezer again? And you couldn't really ever use a 42 incher in nature, could you? =)

Stephanie said...

Ha-Ha, kelly...Unless someone was trying mate with a Bull Walrus, I'm unsure about the practical uses myself!

Bridget said...

OMGosh, you girls are hilarious and I think going to Chicago would be so much fun! You girls are going to have a blast!

Vanessa @ Gourmet Runner said...

Damn, I wish I lived in Chicago! When are you taking the meet-ups global? Tour each city? Come on, I have to be there for some of this BOOB action!
:)

kagead said...

Yeah, that conversation made me realize how provincial my own little toy stash really is! :)

Nikki said...

OH MAN! There better be one NEXT year...I won't be on the mainland this time around..but I will next year! Holy crap...I NEEEED to go to one of these....

mirilapband said...

Wow. I really am under-educated. Wish I was going to BOOBS. I'm going to have to find a way to go next year. Promise me you'll have a next year, K?

Beth Ann said...

I totally cracked up when Patty Attendee filled me in on the conversation. :) You guys are AWESOME! I truly can't wait to meet you all. Good time WILL be had!

Donut Butt said...

I am hopelessly behind on blogs but trying to catch up. I needed a spew-my-diet-pepsi-on-my-computer-screen laugh. THANK YOU!!! Oh and I'm definitely in for the toy store tour. I've never had a toy so a tour and tips would be awesome!! Will there be demonstrations? LOL