Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Butts, lover numbers and inappropriate parachutes.

‘Ello my Skittles.

I’d like to report that it’s been days since Banana cried about or at school. The latest school drama is this. It is so insignificant that I must report it to you – because damn if it doesn’t feel good to only have insignificant school drama instead of phone calls about my child crying uncontrollably to report.

Here it is. Are you ready?

This morning as we are getting ready for school, Banana looks at me and says,

“Mom? Some people in my class say the word *butt*.”

Of course I did what every Mother of the Year would do. I pretended to be appalled, faked convulsions and then fake passed out and told her that was a nasty word – almost as bad as poop – and she should never let it cross her soft, perfect little lips.

She forgot all about the word “butt” and is now grappling with the knowledge that her mother is insane.


Remember my post about the “old flame still holding a dim torch” for me? OMG – some of your “awkward” ex-boyfriend stories made me laugh – though although painful for you - I couldn’t help it. I’ve warned you before that I’m Satan’s sister. My laughing shouldn’t surprise you.

I’m feeling weird because I just kissed this guy….how in the world do you deal with exes you’ve lived and slept with? Snaps to those of you who get through that. You’ve got big pink plaid balls of steel in my opinion.

Which brings me to me thinking about an old friend/co-worker of mine. In a conversation one day with a bunch of women – the subject of sex came up. Yah, I know – shocker. Women discussing sex.

Anyway – this girl’s history was well – let’s just say long – as far as past lovers goes. I asked her if her husband knew how many sex partners she had had. She said, “Hell to the no. Are you nuts? He thinks it’s less than 10 and I’ll never tell him he’s wrong.”

So I wonder if he was withholding his number from her too. And now I’m curious – do all of you know how many partners your partner has had? Do you care? Does he know your “number”? Does it matter? Do you discuss it? When do you discuss it – like 6 months in or after you are married? Do you lie? What would change if he knew the truth?

Would you like to tell me to shove it and quit asking such personal questions?

I can’t help it…it’s such an interesting subject. In small towns it’s hard to hide this stuff but not everyone lives in a small town obviously. I wanted to tell this friend that if her husband knew her real number, I doubt it would have changed anything but clearly she thought it would have.

I think some of that was her own guilt. She said she went through a patch of rebellion and went wild and regretted many of her escapades so admitting the number for her was hard. She never did tell us the number. We didn’t care – no judgement from us. No one is perfect but she clearly was still judging herself harshly.

I remember this was the same woman who told me that if a certain past lover were to walk in the door today and ask her to run away with him – she would. Without a second thought. She was still that in love with him. After 12 years of marriage to her husband.

Wow. She loved her husband but there was always that literal “one that got away”. I kind of felt bad for her husband – here’s hoping that old flame never came back for her – cuz she’d be gone. Crazy stuff I tell you.

Love is some downright crazy shizz.


I leave you with this little tidbit….it’s sort of sex related in a disgusting, make you want to throw up in your mouth kind of way.

My mom used to do daycare in her home. She watched two young girls from an “odd” family. Nice – but straaaaange – a bit creepy even.   Okay fine - a LOT creepy.

The kids always came dressed for school and got on the bus at my mom’s house. They arrived with their backpacks on – then took them off at my mom’s, ate breakfast, and put them back on to get on the bus.

After breakfast, the 1st grader was putting on her backpack ready to go out the door when my mom noticed a strange “thing” on her upper back shirt area.

It was something across her back and her arms were looped through it – but it was tiny – stretched really tight and bright red. She asked the little girl what this “thing” was. The girl said it was her new “parachute”.

My mom inquired further and eventually convinced the girl to take it off so my mom could see what it was.

Anyone wanna guess what it was?

It was her father’s red thong.

First my mom threw up. Then threw it across the room. Then she screamed. I can’t remember because I was laughing so hard I nearly died.

The little girl said she took it from her dad’s drawer to play with and wanted to wear it to school as her parachute. She freaking put her arms through the thong leg holes.

Creative I suppose. But inappropriate obviously. Can you imagine the teacher having found that? 

And wow was that little girl pissed when my mom told her she could not in any way wear that "parachute" to school.

We burned those thongs. After we picked them up with tongs. It still makes me sick to think of the man they belonged to. Let’s just say thongs should never go near this man.

Ack ack ack.

Morale of the story? ALWAYS check UNDER your child’s backpack before they go to school.



Cat said...

Awww, little Banana is growing up and learning all the new words...the ones the other kids and not the teachers are saying. /grin

Hmmm...I feel an interesting blog post about words coming...

Hmmmm the numbers thing. G knows mine. I believe him when he told me his. It's lower than most men I think, but I know his family and I know him and I believe when he told me his number. There are only two women that it would have made a difference if he had slept with them. The rest...I'm not concerned at all. They are his past, as I have mine.

As for the parachute...awww, the wonder of children. To not give it a second thought about using her imagination to make a parachute. However...the thong. Ewww. I love that you used thong tongs. Hee hee.

*puffy hearts*

MandaPanda said...

I'm so glad school drama has evened out a bit.

As for numbers...Hubby knows mine but it's because he was my first and only. He told me his number which was fairly low and probably true. I don't think it would've made a difference one way or another but my Hubby has said that there are certain girls guys sleep with but wouldn't want to marry because they know who all they've been with. Men are such pigs. LOL.

Parachute - Almost crying here laughing so hard at that one!

Banded Mommy (Angie) said...

I literally just laughed so loud that I scared the kids!

As far as the number of partners... yes my husband knows and his perverted mind liked that I had more than he did. Some women would think I was a hoochie for as many as I have had but really? Who is anyone to judge me. :)

I was... well we will just say adventurous in my late teen's- early twenties. I have no shame. I had a lot of safe FUN and remember every experience.

Parachute? Man that little girl has a great imagination! I think I would have died laughing and would have found out some way to get it back to their house. Can you imagine what they thought when they could not find them??!!
-Honey have you seen my red thongs?!
- Umm no. They are not in MY panties! LOL!!!

Dawnya said...

You are hilarious. hubby knows my number which is significantly larger than his. I'm spoiled goods. LOL

Rachellabelle - My Hips Don't Lie said...

Ewww I can't imagine the creeptastic man that would wear a thong.

Manda said...

OMG... LMAO! The thong parachute story. Just hilarious. As for the numbers, me and hubby actually admitted our true numbers to each other. I am to admit it to people I don't know because it is a bit high but I've always said... if a woman gives a number, times it by 2. Thats the real number!

Tina said...

bahahahaha....Just think what the father did when he went digging through his drawer for some night time fun and couldn't for the life of him find his thong? hahahahaha...

OK..I lower my number just a little and the truth is WAY less than 10. I really think my husband inflated his but I let him keep his little secret. We do this after all not because we worry that our spouses would approve or disapprove but because we have some odd picture in our brains for what normal is...and want it I think.

We probably just have way different ideas of 'normal' :)

I am glad banana is worried about words and not school trauma. I cannot believe how grown up my fifth grader has become in just a few short weeks. She actually came home and did her homework without anyone saying ANYTHING!

see ya tomorrow!


Kelly said...

Umm. I think I may be at a loss for words. A parachute? Gag me.

Laura Belle said...

Leave it to you to write about three completely different topics....but make it so much fun I almost pee my pants in my office chair!! god I freaking love you a kazillion for making me giggle today!

As far as #s....when Ryan and I started dating the subject kinda got brought up and I asked him if he wanted to know mine and he said 'No, that was the past, this is the present and hopefully the future. As long as you don't add on to the # while with doesn't matter to me.' And I told him I didn't care about his.

7 years later we still haven't talked about it. Although I know his is WAAAAYYYYY way way WAY less than mine. I was a hussy, remember.

trisha said...

I refuse to tell D my number. He says it's "not fair". I tell him I will DIE and go to the grave with that number. He gets jealous if a friend that's a guy comments on something I post on my facebook! Let alone THAT. In regards to numbers, he needs to remember he was MARRIED from 20-28, I was SINGLE and in college and dating throughout those years in MY life. Nuff said. =D

Joanna said...

Hubby and I have talked about past lovers - but never gone into enough detail to put numbers on it. We've discussed the "serious" ones, but the non-serious ones are in the past...nothing serious, no reason to worry about I suppose.

Holy mother of Fairies - I don't know what I'd do if one of my students came to school with a "parachute" on their back. I wonder if I'd call the parent...just so I can see the look of total horror and humiliation on their face. Am I really that mean, though? I don't know.

Bodacious Boomer said...

Did you see the movie Parenthood? Someone found Diane Wiest's dildo while looking for a flashlight. They explained it to the child as an "electronic ear cleaner".

Miz said...

LOL at bodacious boomer as THATS immediately what I thought, too.

off to check the childs packpack :)