Monday, September 12, 2011

Pissed off.

Before I say anything - let me just say that anything I say and feel and think is grossly insignificant to those who lost people 10 years ago yesterday.  I, for one, will never forget.

And secondly, let me say I am okay.  Since I was able to write - it has always been my first form of self-therapy.  Nothing else comes close to how it makes me feel.  When I feel my worst all I want to do is write.  I'll never forget the day I found out my closest uncle shot himself and I swear to you I could almost feel the physical need for a pen in my hand. 

Now it's a keyboard and this blog.  There's nothing really the matter- and yet everything is.  I've been going at 100 miles per hour balls to the wall lately and every time that stupid little voice in my head tells me to slow down - I tell it to shut up and I don't listen.  I'm trying to be everything to everyone and in the meantime - I'm nothing to myself.

And that's just stupid.

After all these years...you'd think I'd have learned something. 

The social events I've been participating in - while good and fun - take a toll on me mentally....because my social anxiety takes a toll on my entire body - whether I listen or not.  It's taxing.  It's physically hard. 

And it pisses me off.  Everyone I know goes weekend to weekend socially active - one day after the other - weeknights too...never missing a beat.

And me?  I'm home.  It's 1pm.  I just woke up after a migraine.  My body finally said enough.  I didn't go to work today.  I don't take days off.

Little Banana left today with tears streaming down her face again.  I haven't thought about my other 2 part time jobs in days - which is just asking for trouble.  My house is a freaking disaster.  I was supposed to play volleyball tonight - I cancelled.  I know my limits and if I face one more fear and make myself go - I'll be in a straight jacket.

Like I said - that pisses me off.  I hate who I am sometimes.

I want to be the woman who can do and be it all.  And my body will not let me.

Did I mention that pisses me off?  I look in the mirror today - at 1pm - and see a woman who called in sick, I see weakness.  I see a woman who faced fears and ultimately failed.  I see tired.  And scared. 

Surrounded by people but alone.

I've been here before.  It's not fun but it's part of life.  It's the part that makes you appreciate the days when you feel on top of the world.  I'll get through this day.  Probably on the couch - but I'll get through it.

There's one thing I've learned in life - September 11th, 5 year olds with tears streaming, too many jobs, too much stress, migraines, the inability to listen to your own limits, fear, weakness - whatever you face....

....the world just keeps on turning.

Tomorrow, I'll know that's a good thing.  Right now - that just pisses me off too.

31 comments:

Carmen said...

I got to work this morning, turned around and drove home...45 minutes each way...migrane got me today too...i woke up about an hour ago...sometimes we need to take a moment to ourselves and regroup

Kristin50 said...

You sound overworked and underpaid! I hope your day gets better. Thinking of you!

JRD said...

Sending hugs to you, Draz. sometimes it's all too much - take the time you need to give yourself a break.

Robyn's Nest said...

I see a women that faces her fears and WINS. You have not failed at anything. Give yourself a break. You needed a day off; that makes you smart because you realized it; not a failure.

Laura Belle said...

I agree with Robyn...you know who you are, you know that you have limits, hell, EVERYONE has limits. But not everyone knows who they are. And despite your anxiety and other things, you still go out and brave your fears.

You definitely don't need to beat yourself up for who you are. I see you as a smart, funny, wonderful, kind and I could go on and on person. Everyone puts more on their plate than they can handle.

Rest your tired babe-licious body, then get up and kick ass again. Because that's what strong people do, and girl, you're the strongest! (whether you believe it or not)

Cat said...

Yep, gotta agree with Robyn on this one. Your migraine (sucks green lizard balls by the way, so sorry for that darlin) was your body's way of saying...Hey! Let's slow down now ok? No? YOU ARE SLOWING DOWN TODAY! We don't listen and our body makes us listen. I see only success when I read your blog lady. And inspiration. Thank you for posting even though you're having a rough one today. And it's a new week, Banana will begin to see the fun that school is, and it will get less hard for her. I'm sure that the tears don't make it any easier for you though. Feel better dear. Carebear land will be there for you tomorrow. *hearts with gumdrops*

vickyd said...

Oh honey...you and I have talked before about our social anxiety issues and I can so relate to your post. It's difficult for people who haven't had to deal with these issues to understand just how exhausting and draining it can be. All of that, combined with what Banana is going through is going to get to you but you are one of the strongest people I know and YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS!

Listen to your body and take a mental health day...snuggle with Banana when she gets home and don't feel bad about needing to do that. You are an amazing woman and an amazing mother...

(((HUGS)))

Amanda said...

It is okay to have days like this for sure! But I know you are not one to have that keep you down! So you have your off day and then watch in a few days you will feel better!

Take it easy. Have a bath. Everyday will not be like this one!

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

Hope you are felling better soon :)

MandaPanda said...

Would it help you to know that you're not alone in feeling this way? There are days I cannot physically get myself out of bed. It's for different specifics - not overwhelming social agendas, for instance - but the feeling of being overwhelmed and unable to handle ONE.MORE.THING. You're more normal than you think. Tomorrow will look a little better and the day after a little better than that. It's what I cling to. Hang in there sweetie!

Kelly said...

You can't see me, but I'm cyber-hugging you right now. Luv ya, and it does get better, even if it's just a tiny little bit.

mommykinz said...

"I look in the mirror today and see a woman who called in sick, I see weakness. I see a woman who faced fears and ultimately failed."
I see a smart woman - one who knew enough to listen to her body and do what would be best for herself. We have to look after ourselves first in order to be able to look after everyone else.
In April I was in bed for 4 weeks with anxiety adn heart palps due to chronic epstein barr and I had to admit I couldn't look after my family without help. No woman wants to do it but it allows us to get better so we can be the best mom, wife, worker... we want to be. HOpe you wake up tomorrow ready to kick the world's ass.

Read said...

Ok pissed is so much better than a whole he'll of a lot of alternatives!! But seriously Draz a 5 year old with tears streaming down her face has felled far more powerful people than us mere mortals. Hell I'm down here in MD all kinds of worried about Banana and she's not even mine. I still haven't recovered from my Jack screaming in pain when he got stitches. And that was several months ago. I'd be a little worried if you were able to deal with Banana's not yet smooth transition to school without it effecting all the other areas of your life. I know if it were my 5 year old not yet comfortable with school to the point of tears I'd be throwing up all day long. And I'm not remotely kidding.. Don't be so hard on yourself!!!

Jessica said...

Sometimes you need to take a day for you! I hope your day gets better :)

Elizabeth said...

HUGS!!!!!

Fat in Suburbia said...

Like MandaPanda there are days I simply don't get out of bed. Not sure if you take anything for your anxiety but know that if you do it is perfectly ok and could really help. I joke about better living through chemistry but in reality every day would be bed days if I weren't taking something. {{{Hug}}}

Lisa Mancini said...

Wish I could do more, but I'm defintiely thinking of you. You are so strong, and you must realize how great of a woman you are. You accomplish so much. Robyn put what I was thinking in such great words.

trisha said...

I am sorry Drazil... I know what you mean about putting yourself last... I feel that's half the reason I've gotten to the weight I am... tomorrow will be better girl, hang in there!

Flabby McGee said...

I know exactly what you mean. I want to do and be so much, but this stupid body of mine won't let me. I just recovered from a migraine myself a few hours ago - slept the whole day after vowing I wouldn't sleep all day anymore b/c my son needs me to be there. ME. Not my husband, but ME. I truly loathe myself some days. So it's not just you!!!! We ALL have those days. Take moment, breathe, and remind yourself that you do so much - how many jobs do you have? Yeah. You seem like an amazing woman with great taste in shoes. That's a skill not all of us have. You rock. :) Hope you feel better tomorrow!

Barbara said...

Sweetie.. I say we sneak off during CHI and go have a drink .. and a big hug.. what do you say?

Laurie said...

" a woman who called in sick, I see weakness. "
Wrong!
I see a women who is listening to herself and taking care of herself.
Be good to you!

Cece said...

it's okay to kind to yourself ... do it ... be kind to yourself ...

Mrs. Pancakes said...

The most important things is your letting out your frustration! which is awesome. you are not weak because you are sick...sometimes our bodies are trying to tell us something! be pissed off today! hope tomorrow is better! sending you positive thoughts!

Dawnya said...

Oh ladybug. I wish I was there to hug you. It's okay that you needed a day to regroup. You have done so much lately. You have been a social butterfly which is out of your comfort zone. But you did it and you didn't complain. Here is the kicker. YOU WERE HAPPY while you were doing it. I am so proud of you for kicking life in the face and doing you.

You know who you are. I know who you are and I love your. Social fears and all. We all have limits. Hell if you need it take tomorrow too.

Banana...my sweet fruit baby is going to wake up one morning and be fine. It just take a little getting use to. She is a strong kid...hell look at her mom. She is bound to be superkid.

Love ya!!

Joanna said...

It sounds to me like you are just recharging. There's no weakness in that. After doing what you do day in and day out - no wonder your body is screaming "GIVE ME A BREAK!!"

You're superwoman - and even super heroes need a day off to rest. You can't do as much as you do 24/7 365 without at least one day every now and then to recharge your batteries.

You, my sweet friend, are the complete opposite of weak. You are one of the strongest people I know!!

Listen to your body - recharge your batteries - get back to kicking ass and taking names tomorrow.

AutumnLeaves said...

Hell to the yeah. I know the feelings and I also know we can't be all things to all people. I agree with the "listen to your body" comments. Maybe I should take a page from that book myself.

Lisa said...

I think we all could write this post from time to time. Just try to remember you are loved and that is most important. :)

Bodacious Boomer said...

Love your young body while you can kiddo. And treat it well.

I hate to be the one to bring bad tidings, but it hasn't seriously even begun to really show you what you can't do yet.

If I'd known at your age what I know now I'd treated my body very differently indeed.

mirilapband said...

I can guarantee you that no one has ever put on their tombstone,"I wish I had spent more time at work". Take care of yourself!

Joey said...

if you don't take care of yourself then you are no good to anyone else. let yourself off the hook. you are far from weak. Love you to pieces!

Ronnie said...

Love you!