Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Shit for brains.

Shit for brains? Ever heard of that. That is me today and tomorrow. Poppycock for brains cuz the ONLY thing in my brain is how in just a few days I will be in Chicago with my bestie and 50 other wonderful, amazing blogger friends.


Now yes, my severe social anxiety crosses between being so excited I nearly pee my pants to being so nervous I want to throw up and have that word that starts with a “D” and ends with a side order of “iarrhea” – at the same time….but…it is all worth it.

Do not worry. There will be deep dish pizza. And drag queens. And stiletto heels. All will be well.

My bestie Jenny just called. Really to do nothing but make fun of me. She knows that due to my intense social anxiety I don’t go anywhere if I can help it. She knows I bought some cool (pink!) luggage for this trip and she thought it very funny to point out that the girl who never leaves her room bought luggage.

And packs 16 curling irons. She won’t think it’s funny when those curling irons turn her into a freaking supermodel on Saturday night. Ima gonna need those curling irons to beat the men off her. She be a hottie I tell you!

I’m bringing Lola on my trip to Chicago this year again. Who is Lola? Oh – she’s the GPS I have in my car. Last year before we ever got to Chicago, Jenny – who was driving – had singlehandedly called Lola every curse word in the book. In the end, Lola was called the C word. Yes, folks – the C word.

The Cee U Next Thursday word.

I was appalled because I’d never heard that word before. Lola cried. It wasn’t pretty.

Did I tell you the other day that Jenny and I literally had a phone conversation that turned into a competition? Over what you might ask? Well duh. Over who has the dirtiest toilet in their house.

I was all, “Seriously – something is alive in mine and I’m scared to put my hoochie close to it so I’m learning how to hover.”

And she’s all, “Last night I tried to clean my toilet but something reached up from inside and stole my brush and I heard it yell HELP ME!”

Yes, we are twins and proud of it – even if it’s about dirty, suckhole toilets.

Oh and before I forget I’d also like to say that every time any of you bloggers uses the word “NUSSING” in your blogs – it cracks me the hell up. I can’t get enough of that word.

There is a new show coming on the A&E station called Monster-in-laws or something like that. It is about real life evil spawn of Satan mother-in-laws. Who the hell goes on a show like this? I mean how do they approach you?

Please come on our show. We’d like to show the world the absolute raving insane lunatic bitch you are. How about it?

Oh and yes – we can’t guarantee your holidays will ever be the same or if you’ll even be speaking to anyone in your family when it’s done but come on – why not?


Yes. I have it DVR’d. There may be someone I know on there – and I wouldn’t want to miss that.

Banana asked me last night when we are going to go to a hotel and swim again. I told her I had no idea. That we should starting saving money up so we can go hoping that would buy me time.

She says, “You’re right. We should stop buying groceries and use the money to go swim at a hotel.”

Totally. Brilliant.

Totally my kid.  Yes?

8 comments:

Ronnie said...

Umm... so... will you curl my hair? :D

Bridget said...

Eating....swimming...eating...swimming...tough call to make ;)

Jessica said...

hahahaha!

Kristin50 said...

I have nussing to wear this weekend LOL

Can't wait to meet you!

Laura Belle said...

I finally cleaned the man cave toilet of swamp death last night. It sucked. REEEEEEAAAAALLLY bad. And I'm pretty sure it's not totally clean because I got scared and had to leave the bathroom.

Can I also say that i'm sooo sad that i'm not coming to chi-town with all you amazing ladies. And that I am also damned near depressed that we can't meet yet. I want you to curl my hair. And make me purty. Next year for sure, right? RIGHT?!?! Right. ok.

Cat said...

Ok...I don't even have to post. I'm C&P'ing (not the bad p words, this one means paste) Laura's post. /nod

Can I also say that i'm sooo sad that i'm not coming to chi-town with all you amazing ladies. And that I am also damned near depressed that we can't meet yet. I want you to curl my hair. And make me purty. Next year for sure, right? RIGHT?!?! Right. ok.

Beth Ann said...

Can't wait to meet you and your 16 curling irons!

mommykinz said...

I'm wishing I was banded so I could come to Chicago too - Its only 4hrs away!!!

There is a fabulous awesome brazilian restaurant called Fogo De Chao
661 N. LaSalle Blvd,
T: (312) 932.9330
Expensive but such a fabulous eating experience!

Oh and I don't have to clean the total b/c my sweet boy never hits anything but the floor!!!! I'd rather perch on the seat than have my feet touch the floor!!