Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Treadmills and wenises.

I’ve got some more Shockers, Morsels and Just Plain Dumb things to report.


Hey – knock off the eye rolling. What did I say about doing that around here? It’s not allowed in Care Bear Land. That’ll get you a straight up time out…so behave.

Here we go:

Shocker – yours truly got on the treadmill last night.

I’ll give you a moment to get back up onto your chair.

It looked a lot like this:



However, it “felt” a lot like this. Like a “coming home” of sorts.


And yes...I’m quite certain Jesus says piehole.
 
The main thing is – I didn’t die or lose a lung or ass-phyxiate. Amazeballs, I know.

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Morsel – You know how I live in Care Bear Land? The land where Mountain Dew flows from faucets and there are ice cream trucks on every corner and we float on clouds and my occupation is “professional napper”?

Well – anyone wanna know where Rambo lives? I just figured it out. Well, I’ve known for a while BUT I have an official title now – dubbed by Rambo himself. And it’s as sick as he is.


Let me set the stage:


Last night I jumped into bed – literally. Like a five year old on meth I stampeded into our bed and flopped on top of Rambo in a giggling fit and proceeded to make my “nest”.

Rambo says, “When are we ever gonna have sex again?”


People – listen the f*ck up. There ain’t been no drought in our house. In fact, Rambo and his little fella have been living in a god dang tropical rain forest if you want my opinion.


So you can imagine my intense shock at this question.

What the holy hell? It’s been like – less then 24 hours – what the hell is wrong with you?

His reply? Well honey, in wenis world – that’s like 16 days.


WENIS world?? Weiner + penis = wenis. Who knew?

And apparently time there is like dog years. One hour = 4 days or something like that. Jesus, Mary and Bart.

I’m officially having my bestie draw up her version of what she thinks wenis world would look like. It’s about 60 miles south of Care Bear Land and and 80 miles north of you’ve lost your f*cking mind.

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Morsel – my little Banana has completed her 3rd day of kindergarten so far. There’s nothing major to report other than a few things. First of all – let me reiterate that she is 5.


I picked out a pair of pink shorts and a shirt to match for her to wear one day and asked if it was alright and she wrinkled her nose at me and said, “No Mom, that’s hideous.”


Hideous? You’re 5. Poop is hideous. Puke is hideous. Wenis world is hideous. NOTHING in your world is hideous yet.


Also, she told me a ginormous cricket lives in our garage. She has no effing idea what ginormous means because she can barely pronounce it. I know this because she told me yesterday that her drusbriver is a boy. Yah, that’d be her busdriver.


Lastly – in just three short days – we have successfully concluded that A) boys do NOT need names. They are insignificant and can go by numbers and they are obsessed with body parts.


Case in point – she came home on Day 1 and when I asked how it went she told me that Boy #3 and Boy #2 spit on each other and hit each other and got in trouble. I told her that – let this be her lesson that boys suck and they are naughty and she should stay far away from them and it’s okay if she never learns their real names.


And B) Boy #4 kicked Boy #2 right between the legs, Mom. Yes – throughout your life – you will find boys cannot stop thinking about, pointing at, playing with or using that “thing” between their legs. Even at 5 – they live in Wenis World.


Day 1 girls. Day 1. And already she’s learned pretty much all there is to know about boys.


Did I mention Rambo wants to adopt a baby boy? He doesn’t like living in Wenis World alone apparently….


He feels overtaken by estrogen.


I have no idea what he’s talking about. I’m a huge advocate of gender equality.


Totally.

27 comments:

Jessica said...

haahahahah Love it!

Lynda said...

I imagine "Wenis World" as an adult amusement park...

Banded Mommy (Angie) said...

Ohh Draz you know how to make the sun shine on a crappy rainy week long tropical storm. I love reading your stuff first thing. It makes me smile and giggle like a little girl.
Wenis World is my whole house... ALL. THE. TIME.
I cannot wait to have another baby in hopes that it is a girl. I need more estrogen in this shizz. It's just me and the cat and she's getting old. If we have another one and its another boy I will force him to dress like a girl and love Justin Beber... just kidding. I think all men live in Weins World from the day they are born.
As for adopting a boy... protest until the end of time! :)

Miss April said...

A wenis is a woman penis, as in when a woman has a bulge in her pants because they don't fit right. Like I'm talking for the woman to wear them is actually all kinds of WRONG. I told a friend about it just the other day, we were at the library and I said - "ohhh my, look at the wenis on that one!".

Samantha said...

You make me giggle so much. I love Care Bear Land!

Ronnie said...

Hideous?! If she doesn't want to wear it - I will. Ronnie doesn't turn down anything pink.

Karen Butler Ogle said...

Pink is my signature color. I love it. Maybe banana has a different signature color. Yellow?

Amanda said...

I am coming up with a theme song for Wenis World...I swear it keeps repeating in my mind!

MandaPanda said...

Hahahahaha! Wenis World! I love it!

And I think Banana totally has it straight in her head already. That is one smart girl you've got there...and that's gonna mean trouble in another 8 years or so. Good luck!

Bonnie said...

I live in Wenis World every day. I am the only non-wenis in my house. I think I just may need to come up with a happy place to go for myself, when the wenis just gets to much for me to handle.

If 4 hours equals 1 day, then my hubby hasn't had sex in 30 days....that's a MONTH....his wenis is probably pissed....hahahahahah

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

LOL!

This crazy life of mine... said...

TOOO funny!!!

Vanessa @ Gourmet Runner said...

Wenis World sounds like some kind of amusement park to me...right? With games and rides and....oh, now this is just weird.

Catherine55 said...

LOL!! You crack me up -- that was hilarious!

Laura Belle said...

Can't.type.laughing.too.hard.

Dying! LOL!

Dizzy Girl said...

Dude how the HELL can I break into wenis world- someone help me get in there. I only want to visit for a day.

Rachellabelle - My Hips Don't Lie said...

Rambo is hilarious! Maybe you need to buy him a special gift to use in case of emergency. (i.e If you make him go more than 12 hours between sessions. Yeesh!) haha

Cece said...

I have learned something 'new' today. I am done. Thank you. :)

Laurie said...

How many times can I say how funny you are?

Wenis: The skin on your elbow, from Urban Dictionary.

And, I did a shout out to you today:
http://ajslevine.blogspot.com/2011/09/rainy-day.html

Dazee Dreamer said...

Did you know that wenis is also the part of the skin at the back of your elbow. yeah, I work with a sicko that will say, stop touching my wenis. It's kind of funny. You should grab Rambo's "wenis" and tell him your pulling his wenis. hahahaha

Beth Ann said...

Hee hee. :)

Fat in Suburbia said...

OMG wenis world. My day is now complete. :)

Bridget said...

Bahahaha wenis world!! This post made me laugh :)

And yep, Banana's got boys all figured out, she's good.

Jen said...

lol. I have a stuffed sheep that is named Kerry-weinis.... I'll fill you in on the story in Chicago :)

AutumnLeaves said...

Methinks you should just have another baby. Maybe you will have another resident of Weinis world for Rambo. And personally? I'm with Banana.

Read said...

I'm sort of in love with wenis world... Is that wrong?

Cat said...

Yep, wenis time is definately different than real people time. /nod

Also so very proud of your treadmill time go you lady!! And of course you were wearing heels, what the hell would Rambo do if he had to take you to the ER again? I'm certain they were emergency leopard stiletos too. /nod