Wednesday, October 5, 2011


It’s no secret I’m a list whore. Crossing off items on one of my many to do lists is an instant high for me and I crave it.

It should be no surprise to you that when January 1st rolls around every year – I’m one of those people who makes a list. Not a typical resolution list but a “things to work on” list. A “goal” list, if you will.

In 2011, my main goal was to achieve balance.

It’s October and my birthday month and I sit here thinking about being one year older and if I ask myself “have you achieved balance?” – I’d have to say no.

Shitballs. Doesn’t that suck green grasshopper balls?

If I’m honest, I’m thinking about this lately because I’ve let my health, diet and exercise completely fall off my radar.

Part of my brain doesn’t give a damn. Like really. When I’m 80, I know not one person is going to remember what I weighed or how I looked in a bikini when I was 30. Rambo can’t see my fat because of his love goggles. My kids don’t care. I look fine – just not great. I want to believe there are more important things in life than working out and constant calorie counting.

I constantly think about the time and effort the women in my life put forth regarding diet and weight and I think about what a different place this world would be in any one of us put that much time and effort into volunteering or our marriages or parenting or careers.

That’s not an insult and I’m specifically talking about myself and my co-workers.

One day as I sat in my office I heard a few women coming in and I made a point to listen and take in their conversations.

Not a single person said “good morning”.

The first words out of their mouths was this:

How did you eat last night? What did you eat? Did you control yourself?

Nope – I ate terribly and I feel guilty. I didn’t even work out. Did you?

I did. And I only ate my allotted points but I was still starving.

These pants are still way too tight. Yours are getting really loose. I wish I had your self control.

Ugh – I suck at it. It’s really hard but today I have to weigh in.

And on and on. No mention of families and children and events and memories that occurred over an entire weekend. Only self-loathing and guilt and envy.

The woman across from my office has spent her life on diets…and is currently doing WW.

The other woman across the hall just gave up soda and chocolate for the 80th time. She’s lost 30 lbs recently and no one gives a damn about her son that just left for college – we crowd in her office asking her how she lost the weight.

The other woman next to my office is going to Vegas in 2 months and is in a competition with another girl going to see who can lose the most weight. She is always trying. It never ends.

Not one of these women has more than 30 lbs to lose but it consumes them. I wish it didn’t. I wish I couldn’t lump myself into that group – but I can.

I hate that it matters. I hate that lately I don’t want to get dressed in the mornings because the extra 15 has the ability to make me no longer feel sexy. I hate that I can remember how much better I felt when I worked out and ate right.

I hate that I know in the future I’ll be pissed I cared so much and I’ll wish I hadn’t. But right now it matters…and I have to stop denying that. I hate that this is a lifelong process – but it is. Pretending it wasn’t got me here – feeling like this.

I will find the balance. I swear to you I will. My history is one extreme or the other – gym rat who never misses a day and never goes off plan OR person who never works out and eats whatever I want.

There’s a woman in the middle tired of both of those ends of the spectrum.

I am on a mission to find her. When I do – I’m fairly certain I’ll have this balance thing figured out too.

I’m determined that my 2012 “goal” list will not have “find the balance” on it.

How about you? Have you found a good balance? How do you do it?


Ronnie said...

Balance is definitely hard, I still have about 30 lbs to go, too. We'll all get to the less obsessed place together. :)

Dawnya said...

I don't even know what balance is. I'm living on the edge. I know that you will find it.

However, when I look at you...all I see is beauty. Yes...I love you...but I still see you...and I can't see a damn thing wrong.

Maybe I'm biased...but damn it I'm right.

Banded Mommy (Angie) said...

Balance is a hard thing to keep 24/7 especially because we are women and things like hormones like to screw with us at all times. I don't think I will ever be balanced because I have many up days and many down days. Up until recently I had not felt even the slightest bit sexy in years... yes years. My relationship was suffering with my husband because even with his compliments I just could not feel good about myself. I think balance is very hard for some people but I think the way I can have more balanced days is to think balanced and allow myself to have an off day and not let it go on for weeks.
Good luck and you know we are all here to help if you need it!

Jessica said...

I can never find balance either... With work and school and diet... I usually give one up completely... Right now its me who is suffering because I am doing great in work and school. So I wonder, which one is going to suffer once I focus on me.

Miss April said...

I'm like you - right in the middle. I do awesome, then I suck balls for a while. Something lights a fire within and I'm back to exercise, healthy decisions. Everything is well in the world then I get derailed. It's a sick cycle. I too, want balance. Best of luck!

Fluffy said...

First, you look fabulous and are way smaller than you think (uh, for real)...Have you considered switching focus from weight to health? Not going to lie, it was hard for me (I ate a whole ton of crap initially), but it was also strangely liberating. So, for me this meant generally making healthy choices 80% of the time (which honestly over time naturally increased). Giving myself permission to eat crap when I wanted it also made me want it less, go figure! And exercising cause it made me feel good---and I wanted to be stronger. Not much of an explanation, but you know how to get me if you want. : )

Cat said...

I have to agree with both the lovelies, Dawnya and Fluffy when I say A) You are gorgeous, I've seen pictures...damn it wish I'd just seen you last weekend too.../sigh. B) Switch your goals to health focus rather than weight focus. Roll in time for treats or the occasional splurge too, but try to get at least 80% of what you consume as healthful.

I absolutely adore you and hope someday to meet you in person. /hugs /love and of course *puffy hearts*

Nora said...

I have a long way to go with the weight, but I agree with the health focus. I'm not losing weight for the sake of losing it- I'm losing it to be a better wife, to have a healthier life, to be able to get pregnant and be a healthy and active mother. So balance on the weight loss front is easy, because I don't let myself obsess. I certainly wouldn't want to be in competition with point counters and women who just care about looking good for a trip to Vegas. I want to move in the direction of always looking good without rebounding and gaining a load of weight after a crazy diet.

MandaPanda said...

I think balance is easier once you've hit a satisfactory goal. At least that's what I keep telling myself. I have 33 lbs to go but I do think I have more balance in my life than others. I don't talk to others much about losing weight except on here and maybe it's having THIS outlet that allows me to do that. Hubby and I focus on it a lot also but it's usual in respect to how much better it's going to make life for us and our girls when we're healthy. For me, money throws me off balance. Our finances have been so jacked for so long that it's hard to see straight or focus on anything else. So I guess I do have more work to do.

Manda said...

I'm still in loss mode, but for some reason I want to place myself in maintenance already. Like skip it all. Lol. I hate it! It is a balance... its a hard one. Sorry I'm no help.

Bridget said...

I love this! You nailed it, and put words to things we've all felt or have been feeling. I hope you're able to figure it out and not have it on your 2012 'to do' list :)

Rachellabelle - My Hips Don't Lie said...

I am an "all or nothing" person, and am constantly working to correct this. *sigh* Let me know if you find the magic formula for balance.

Kristin50 said...

I think balance is not a place to get to, it is a mindset for me. I can honestly tell you I feel more in tune with my inner "kristin" than ever before and you know what I like her ALOT! I am becoming confidant in my skin, even though I still have 70+ pounds to get to me first goal, I am positive about the things that I have accomplished.

I have made being healthy a way of life, and I live it. I don't make good choice 100% of the time but that is unrealistic to me. I think before I eat now, something I would never have done before. I actually look over a menu and try to eyeball what would be "band friendly".

We all have different reasons for being where we are or were and plans on how to get where we want to be.

I believe we have to find balance right here in the NOW! Otherwise, we will always be searching for something that we can never quite grasp.

I wish you well, you are beautiful and funny and we all love you!

Stacey said...

I have always wished for balance. I always take any accomplishment I have and negate with "But, I still...." I have not felt sexy in...well, ever, I guess. I am shy, unsure and feel like anything I have to say is not worth hearing. I try to force myself, but I have that little "voice" that says "no one wants to hear this." Weight is easy to talk about, everyone has their story and they are ready to share it

Debi said...

I'm struggling with balance too. Mostly because I am doing what Fluffy suggested and trying to focus more on health than weight. But I really need to lose 25 more before I start only focusing on health. And lets face it, maintenance is much more fun and easier than losing.

And I second (or third or whatever) that you look beautiful! I was scared to talk to you this weekend because you are a little bit like a celebrity in my head, I didn't want to come off sounding like a doofus!

Catherine55 said...

It was so great to get to hang out with you in Chicago!! On the balance thing, at the wise ole age of 40, I finally have it on the weight front. That's really more because of my band and workout schedule than my age though. Also, the whole coming-back-from-hitting-rock-bottom thing helped on that front.

That said, I struggle all the time with balancing the parts of my life. I'm never doing all I want in at least one area.. usually two.. and sometimes that feels very overwheling and stressful. I try remind myself that everyone feels this way a fair amount of the time. Except for Martha Stewart.

Darlin1 said...

Draz...being a Libra I think you have an advantage on the balance thing. Be happy, in love, or positive (however you want to say it)....and all the right choices will come to you.

I wish I had spent more time with you are an inspiration to me! Thanks for all your hard work...XOXOXO

Karen Butler Ogle said...

The word balance doesn't make me think of my weight anymore. That problem has been taken care of. When I think of balance I think of my emotional ups and downs and hope that I can stay even and stable all through the winter. I think of balancing my home life with my classes and my treatment with my family. Weight control is pretty much on the back burner for me. Your point is well taken though as almost all these responses have to do with weight loss.

Laura Belle said...

I can balance a beer can on my forehead. Does that count? That's about as much balance as I have.

Most of the time I run around with my head spinning like a scary person that has ants in her pants.

I'm learning to accept some of my unbalanced-ness, but changing other parts of it.

Great post!!! I freaking double pink puffy heart you!

Sandy Lee said...

You'll get that balance because we are all here to keep you from falling. I'm still trying to digest last weekend. I also have to tell you I was extremely moved how you said you said my e-mail about how you are a great mom affected you. I never expect words to mean much sometimes. We just never know. Anyway, peanut. You are balanced in my mind. We're all on teeter totters so each day is a new day.

And just want to add. You are one of the most awesome and dedicated and sweetest moms in the world. You're girls could not have done better.

Justawallflower said...

I think your balance is working out because it makes you feel good, and not working towards a "goal of xx pounds". You know that you feel better when you take care of yourself. Work out for that reason. If a family function comes up, don't feel you have to skip because you have to meet a goal of xxx calories burnt. Workout because it makes you feel good, and don't let it consume your life.

Jody V said...

I haven't found balance ever. Even with my band. Great post Draz. Let's never give up trying to find they balance.

Becky said...

Great post! This makes me think of priorities. Not that I should eat like a pig while focusing on my family instead of food, but really, what memories do I want to have when I am older?

Laurie said...

This was perfect. It is so sad that we focus so much on this when there are children that literally do not have food to eat. I hate myself and our society for it. Thanks for putting it into perspective, and, more importantly
How are you, how are the girls and the man? Are you having fun?
I don't really care what you ate, but I do care that you smiled.

Beth Ann said...

Balance is SO tough. I haven't worked out much in the last two weeks and I feel like crappola. I need to get on it.

Just FYI...extra 15 or no, you are BEAUTIFUL. I hope you know that.

Joanna said...

Definitely no balance, here. I'm like you - either gung-ho peddle to the metal working out and eating great or not working out at all and eating garbage for every meal.

I'm working on trying to find a balance right now. I refuse to track my eating - because I don't consider that "balance". I want to be able to eat healthy, work out now and then, and not have it consume my everything. Much easier said than done.

My 2012 goal list is going to be the same.... lose weight but without going insane doing it.