Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Mortimer and Bitchslap on Day 3 of the Birthday Suckhole Extravaganza!!

Well Skittlebugs, it's day 3 of my BIRTHDAY SUCKHOLE EXTRAVAGANZA
And guess who is here today? 
What?  You don't know who that is?  Oh fine - that's just MY nickname for's very top secret.
Her real name is Raven and she's as spunky as she is funny as she is gorgeous.
See below.  I ain't lying.
Thanks RaeRae!

Hey there! I'm Raven from A Momma's Desires and Pacifiers. So glad to be guest posting for Miss Drazil slash Sheniqua. As I pondered what to write about (because we all know that writing for someone else's blog is ten times more stressful than writing for one's own) I figured why not tell my own story of my alter ego and that dreaded 15 pounds of heftiness that just will. not. leave.

Enter Mortimer and Bitchslap.

In my lifetime, I have done a few things that I'm not proud of. Just the other day, my husband and I took the kids to the local deli to have a bite to eat. My one year old son was in his stroller, which was positioned right next to a bunch of oversized cookies sealed in plastic baggies. When we weren't looking, he took a whole bunch and threw them all over the ground. We quickly picked them up and put them back before moving him to a less dangerous spot. 

We eat, get up to leave, and walk out to our car. As I am getting my son out of the stroller and into his car seat, I notice that he had been sitting on one of those huge cookies, and instead of automatically thinking, "oh no, I better go back in the store and return this cookie asap because this is totally stealing," my first thought was, "better be the kind I like!" 

You see, we could blame that on one of two people: Mortimer, for making me commit a crime, or Bitchslap, for being a hungry, hungry hippo. Better yet, let's blame both of them. Totally takes the focus off of me. See how that works?

Or that one time I kissed a snake. Oh yes, yes I did.


What's that?

Wasn't me.

Blame Mortimer.

Or that one time, after a long, exhausting night out, when I demanded my driver take me through Jack-in-the-Box and get me a double cheeseburger. Wait, did I say I was the one who demanded that? I meant to say that Bitchslap did it. But Bitchslap don't like going hungry, and some steamed broccoli and carrots just doesn't cut it with that beast.


Sometimes I just want to bitchslap Bitchslap, but that would entail me slapping my own ass so maybe I'll just go tango with the treadmill instead.

Or finally, what about that one time when I decided to try a handstand while snowboard? After drinking maybe just a few too many? Didn't look too hard, I mean, I had in mind something like this...


And I ended up looking like this...


Who am I fooling? We'll give Mortimer and Bitchslap a break this time.
We all know that Captain was responsible for this one.


Seriously - I'm still a bit in shock that I actually posted a picture of a snake in my blog. 
Rae - when I have nightmares for weeks - I'm calling your azz at 3am okay?

Love you RaeRae!


Dawnya said...

I love it. Thanks for sharing. Only problem...I now have to follow another blog. LOL

2 more days...until your big day.

Joanna said...

I'm loving these suckhole posts...such great information, and funny stuff. I'm so happy you posted a pic of a snake.

I might own a snake - but I've never kissed this is a very cool post for me!!

Whitney said...

Haha this was hilarious. Love Raven!

Karen Butler Ogle said...

Love the post. Nice to meet you Rae Rae!

Impulsive Addict said...

I love Raven, Mortimer and Bitchslap. How fun would she be to hang out with and down a few drinks?

I have to say that I love your little blog page! How cute! And I met my first white Sheniqua at Hellmart this weekend. She was super sweet! =) I want to fart gumdrops too.

Ronnie said...

Cute. :)

Ronnie said...

Although, a little jealous that my kids don't steal ME cookies. Grr.

Shug in Boots said...

Hello Drazil/Sheniqua ... I'm new around here, I'm sure I will catch on eventually.

Raven - I am in love with that cheeseburger pic of you. Just last week, I made hubs drive me through Wendy's after a few Red Bridges and I ate not one, but two bacon cheeseburgers (without the bread, duh - no gluten for dis shug) AND a large fry. WTF? The next day, while getting my tires rotated, what did I find in my more-than-I-can-afford Michael Kors bag? Bacon. And a pickle.

Shug in Boots said...

Nevermind, I get it now ... read the "About Drazil & Shaniqua" ;) I'm smart. I name stuff like my insulin pump, my car, etc.

Lindsey said...

umm i thought we were done with the snakes. And is it wrong I want that burger?