Thursday, October 6, 2011

Pie and porn day.

I’m not a virgin anymore.

A sex toy shop virgin anyway.

I know you’re all on pins and needles wondering how my first excursion to a sex toy shop was so I’m going to get it over with and recount every last detail to you.

So yes – Saturday was officially dubbed “pie and porn” day. We were going to the porn store and then to get some famous pie. Totally normal day out with your friends – some of which you just met one day ago.

Not embarrassing at all. No hives anywhere. Nu uh.

We took a cab and the driver dropped us off about a block from the store. I guess then we all figured we wouldn’t have to tell the little guy who spoke very little English that we were going to Cooter Corner. Wait – it was actually called Couple’s Corner. Cute huh?


Those of you who know what "wisper items" are - well - go wash your mouth out with soap and
go to confession or something, mmkkaayy?
This was in the window outside. Very lovely right?


We took pictures of ourselves outside this “quaint” shop too and I swore I’d shank everyone dead on the spot if I ever saw any of the pictures on Facebook.
Can you imagine my mother-in-law asking me what kind of store Couple’s Corner is?

Ugh – I just threw up in my mouth a little.

So in we go and Jenny swore I wasn’t allowed to leave the store without a purchase.

Of course, the store employee yells out a big “WELCOME” when we walk in. So inviting, yes?

And then of course – all the girls make sure that everyone in the store AND the people 16 blocks down are aware that I am a sex toy shop virgin. Nothing like staying under the radar.
They were pointing at me and laughing. Did I mention I hate those bitches…cuz I do.

You wanna know the only thing my eyes ever saw was?

SHOES.

Like real ass hooker, wear these filming a porno shoes.
My God in heaven – they were divine.
I almost licked every pair and the girls had to tear me away from them.

And gorgeous lingerie. Just plain up straight pretty outfits. They were my second favorite.

Beyond that – there were real titty tassles….all pink and blinged out.
Cross that off my bucket list of things I need to see before I die I suppose.

At one point I asked one whore why she wasn’t buying anything and she replied,
“Cuz I already own everything in here.”
Hmmm…even the titty tassles?

The rest of the store was stuff. Stuff I had no idea how to use – where to use or what to use with. I did find bath bubbles that turn your whole bath blue and almost bought that knowing Rambo and I are regular bath takers but then practical me kicked in and I figured they’d turn my whole tub blue and that just meant more cleaning so I didn’t buy them. The blue color must have been pressed out of gold too –
one jar of bubbles was $35.

Walmart - $1.99. See? These stores are so over-rated.

No – I’m not going to tell you what everyone bought.
No – I’m not going to tell you who was there just in case they don’t want you to know.

And no – I never bought a single thing. For the record, I didn’t buy pie either.

Porn and pie just ain’t my thing. Shoes people. Shoes – are my thing.

I cannot fathom spending money on Hello Kitty vibrators instead of shoes.

But let it be known – I am no longer a virgin.

I will say that a porn store is the perfect place to use the word NUSSING
like it’s the only word you know.

For example:

You wear NUSSING under this.

NUSSING feels better than this.

There is NUSSING like this in Podunk.

I’m not buying NUSSING…unless it’s those shoes.

NUSSING good can from something shaped like that.



Don’t you wish you would have been there?

At one point, one of my friends said, “How are you doing? You okay?”

Apparently I must have looked pale - and frightened…but rest assured I survived.

There’s just absolutely NUSSING like a “pie and porn” day with your friends if you ask me.

The end.

15 comments:

Joanna said...

Ah, you take me back to the first time I ever visited a store like that. I was with Hubby...no best friends (BOO!). I did the same thing - only cared about the shoes.

Hubby got irritated that the shoes were all I was interested in - and our visit was short.

What does he expect? I'm a shoe whore!! If you're going to take me to a place that sells outrageous hooker shoes/boots..I'm going to drool a little.

Kristin50 said...

LOL you so make me laugh. I wish I had been with you, cause I love Porn shops! If nothing else to people watch. It is funny to see ladies first times in there I think.

I am not going to admit being a pro at these places, mind you, I do some Christmas shopping here for well, um special folks! But, I find them facinating kind of places. Look at all the wonderful TOYS for gods sake. Where the hell can you get these things other than here, I wonder.

Hooker boots, and shoes and stockings above the knee, oh and little tiny BOBS, which I have to say every girl should have. Oh, and if you are wondering what a BOB is....I will splain later.

I am glad you went, I am sure you feel much better having gone and had that virgin experience under your belt so to speak. Sounds like it was a great day even without the "Pie"!

mallory said...

Pie and porn? Yes please =)

You know whats better then a sex toy shop? Bumping into a wierdo from high school in one and he ignored me and got all red, then bumped into him a year or so later at a bar and he wanted to buy me a drink. ew no you creepy.

Jessica said...

I say yes to Pie and Porn too! I agree with Kristin... every girl needs a BOB and if you dont have one.. then its time for a trip to another porn shop for you LOL!

Jen said...

We were gentle on you...you didn't say how lovely it was inside!! It was bright and cheerful and a pretty Conservative (looking) girl was minding the shop. No sticky floors, everything was out of it's package ready to sample. It was divine. I wish I had one closer to my house. lol
I was so proud of you though. You didn't freak - you did look a little disgusted, but all and all, it was a good virgin sex shop experience and you handled it well.

Karen Butler Ogle said...

I love our local porn store. I blogged about my last trip there not long ago. It is called Cupids Outlet. I got a couple of special toys for Dail and I and they have made things more exciting in light of my medication issues. There are some gadgets out there that make the pleasure so intense that you lose yourself completely. Don't discount the toys until you try a few. Seriously. :)

Miss April said...

You should have bought something! I think porn stores are fun. Nobody would guess that about me, but I always have a blast there. I hang out with a lot of strange people, don't judge me.

I like to take virgins to the stores as well. We went to one in Wisconsin one time that had 'mystery bags'. You paid $5 for a brown paper sack, not knowing what was inside. We all got one! It was really fun to go back to the car and rip open the sacks.

Porn and Pie, sounds like my kind of day. I'm a little jealous.

Dawnya said...

Ummm....nussing good could come of this without me there. Damn great grandparents. LOL

Kyla said...

SHE OWNS EVERYTHING IN THERE!?

MandaPanda said...

So glad you're no longer a porn store virgin. I'm surprised you didn't buy something to surprise Rambo with. He'd have loved it!

Rachellabelle - My Hips Don't Lie said...

How did you say no to shoes? Even if they are stripperella shoes, they are still shoes!

Laurie said...

My friend and I found ourselves in one of those stores when visiting Toronto. I have never laughed so hard in my life. Maybe I even bought somthing, I'm not saying nussing.

Dizzy Girl said...

Yay!!! Glad you finally wandered on in... :)

Stace said...

like.

Beth Ann said...

Pie and porn. Sounds like every GUYS dream. :) Bet Rambo was jealous!