Thursday, October 13, 2011

Rambo is a snot.

Rambo has lost his ever-loving mind.

This week I’ve been angry. At the mother-effing world. For no reason – of which I have no problem admitting. Not even PMS. I’m just pissed off at every human being that I can visibly see. I want to punch them in the face when they ask me how I am.

If it’s a man, I want to rip his balls off.

In fact, a manager here stopped me today and said, “You look really nice today.”

Do you know what I said to him?

I said, “Are you insane? Are you blind? Or are you drunk? I look like hell and I know it.”

He was slightly shocked and walked away. Later he came back and said, “You really do look nice today.” I nearly drop kicked him. Didn’t he learn the first time?

It was a bad hair, feel chubby day and he’s in the middle of a bad divorce. Any woman that isn’t his ex looks damn good.

Anywhoozle – I, as any self-respecting wife would do, take out my anger on Rambo.

And what does he do? The asshole makes me laugh. Is it wrong that I wanted to punch him in the face too?

Last night our convo went something like this:

Me: I don’t feel special. I feel neglected. You are insensitive and rude and you watch TV and don’t pay attention to me.

Rambo: I do not neglect you. I just brought you an ice cold glass of water and cooked supper and went out and got you an M&M blizzard.

Me: So? Do you want an award? All you talk about is the car repairs we need. Maybe we should go to counseling.

R: Um, what should I say to the counselor? That I love my wife more than the air I breathe? Oh wait – I could tell her I want more sex. Would that work?

Me: I hate you. You never listen to me.

R: I always listen to you. Right now I’m not listening because I’M SLEEPING. Because I have to get up at 4am.

Me: Whatever. Asshole.

R: Are we going to have sex now?

Me: F*ck off dickweed.

Throughout that whole convo he’s laughing his ass off and I want to be mad and I keep laughing every time he talks. I honestly hate that man for having that talent.

And for everyone freaking out – there was LOTS of laughing. We have never in 20 years and will never in the future call each other names or swear at each other in seriousness. And I don’t really feel neglected – I just hate the world lately. It’s just part of a banter….so chill…

Moving on to this morning - Rambo emails me and says, “What do you want to do for your birthday? We could go to supper and a movie or dancing?”

Dancing? You don’t dance unless you’re heavily intoxicated and then it’s only to ACDC or Disturbed and that’s headbanging – not dancing. That’s a mosh pit, not a dance floor.

I’ll dance for you baby. We could go salsa! Hell, I’d even breakdance for you if you want.

Sweet isn’t he? Yah well don’t get too excited. We live in Podunk. No one salsas anything here unless it’s on your nacho. People around here still line dance. There are no classy dance “places”. There are bars with a 4x4 square in the back with a jukebox – right next to the unisex bathroom.

I’m tempted to tell him that yes, I would like to go salsa dancing – just to see where in the hell he thinks we can accomplish such a thing.

Ah, I do love this man and his effort…he thinks he’s so funny when he knows I’m pissed at the world.

Is it Friday yet?


jules said...

HAHAHAHA You crack me up! I think you are my new favorite when I need a good chuckle!!

Amanda said...

Good lord I would love to meet your husband! Hell I would just like to witness the two of you together. Your dynamic. You two seem like a good pair!

My metal head husband won't even headbang any more! I am more dangerous then he is at a show and I am an entire foot shorter!

Banded Mommy (Angie) said...

LOL No salsa unless its on your nachos! :)
He is a sweetie. He needs to give lessons and then he could make lots of mula!

Jessica said...

I puffy heart you... You have the ability to make me laugh every day!!!!

I would totally love to be a fly on the wall to see you and Rambo together.

Caron said...

When I saw the title of your post, I knew I was going to be laughing. You may be in a four mood but you make us happy. :)

Sandy Lee said...

Is this birthday coming up bothering you. Just saying. And yours truly in on a ten week Line Dancing course. I'll never line dance but we do this one line dancing waltz which is the only reason I go back.

You can always dance in your kitchen. Or maybe he has a weekend planned to take you to some great city to Salsa! So glad you can laugh. Guys, can't live with them, can't live without them. Love you.

Cat said...

Rambo is an awesome dude. My G is too. We actually talked for TWO hours about what we'll do to survive in the event of a zombie appocolypse and our civilization collapses. It was awesome. I'm not even kidding. Don't hate. :)

vickyd said...

OMG...I know I've said it before but you and Rambo sound so much like my hubby and I. Seriously, that man made me laugh while I was in labor and ready to kill him...that takes some serious cajones!!

Rachellabelle - My Hips Don't Lie said...

Awww, poor pumpkin. Maybe there's at least a Mexican restaurant (taco stand?) where you can dance La Cucaracha? :)

Bridget said...

This was too funny! Glad he could make you laugh, even though you didn't want to ;)

Beth Ann said...

Y'all have such a cute relationship and I love the stories. :) I'm in a bad mood today but it is directly attributable to hormones. In fact, I'm ready to shut my office door, curl up in a ball under my desk and cry. No reason. Sigh.

Hope you are farting gumdrops by sundown. :)

Laura Belle said...

I think you two should salsa. Down main street. With NUSSING on. Does podunk have a main street? I lived in a small town that didn't. It did have a bar tho, complete with the same unisex potty.

You and Rambo's relationship makes me giggle and get all puffy heart warm inside. It's a great thing you got there!!

Shannon said...

It's so nice to know that we are no the only couple that love banter by cursing at each other.
I hope your week gets better and Friday is only a sleep away! :D

Dawn said...

It's almost Friday and my husband has the same talent. He's good at grossing the kids out too by oogling me in the kitchen lol. Hope you're days get better.

Karen Butler Ogle said...

Sounds like fun. Maybe I will swear at Dail tonight and see where it gets me. You never know with him. The last time I took up swearing he laughed his ass off. It is a good stress reliever.

Kyla said...

He he.... dancing. This strikes me as hillarious.

Miz said...

good lord I adore you.