Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Spewing black licorice.

It’s raining black licorice out my ass these days instead of pretty, rainbow gumdrops – therefore - there are some things I need to get off my chest so I can make my way back to Care Bear Land.


It probably won’t be any fun for anyone….but I’m going to do it anyway.

I have serious money issues. Or maybe I should say I have priority issues. I have been shopping online all day without actually clicking BUY because I can’t decide if I want the new Shellac nail system or more shoes. Rest assured, I will figure out which one and I won’t think a second about purchasing them.

Quite the opposite of how much thought and care I put into auto repairs. Rambo called to say one of our cars needs new brakes. And his truck needs a new tail light. Any minute now I’m expecting him to call and say the third car needs a new engine or something.

My woman brain went so far in my own head as to say, “Forget it – I’d rather get a new car then put money into brakes.” I was smart enough not to say that out loud.

Anywhoozle, I would rather sit in a bucket of my own pee after a kitten scratches the shit out of my ass then put money into stupid ass cars. I mean really – can’t we wait on brakes? Are they really that necessary?

I hate that I love TV so much. Like more than I love fuzzy bunnies hopping about in fields of sunflowers. My DVR may explode because it is constantly recording something. Even shows I hate like Sister Wives. I just watch it to point and laugh and so I can feel better about my own life.

Today for breakfast I ate cheesecake. I had no choice. Someone made it and it’s gluten free so I was obligated to see if I could tell that it had no gluten. Let me just say the crust was Oreos. The second layer was entirely caramel. Then pecans. Then the white cheesecake. Then the swirly top was chocolate cheesecake. And a f*cking piece of broccoli on top. I’m kidding. No broccoli. Just orgasmic cheesecake.

I washed the cheesecake down with Mountain Dew because I pretend there is no such thing as calorie-free good for you water.

Thank God I do not punch in to work or have to be there at any certain time. This is especially helpful on days when I wake up and realize all the bedroom windows are open and it is raining…and I can hear it. And it’s dark – and Rambo is wrapped around me and one thing leads to another. Serious heaven. I’d put a morning like that up against any angel’s morning in heaven and it’d be a tie I bet.

I have a meeting tonight with my two non-friends who just days ago I delusionally believed were my friends. Instead of smiling and “meeting” – I’d like to make nasty faces and stare at them and flip them off – you know – like mature adults do.

Lastly, I just sent out water bills for our village residents and I’d like to say that this is what my answering machine says every night when I come home.

Hello?? I got my water bill. It’s higher than last time. Can you tell me why I used more water than last time??

Yes. Sure. Because it’s almost like I live with you so I would know, right? Do you want me to make something up or just tell you to use your brain? Like it was summer and you filled up your kid’s 1500 gallon pool twice a week and you washed your boat and cars every other day and you took 500 more showers cuz you sweat like a banchee when it’s 104 degrees out.

If you want to save money next time - sell your kids, the kid’s pool or your effing boat. Please keep taking showers though.

Thank you for wasting my time because unlike you, I obviously, have loads of it to waste.

Balls people.

Does anyone really wonder why I refuse to pick up the phone?

This be my life. Try not to be too jealous.

Peace out Skittles.

21 comments:

Karen Butler Ogle said...

LOL. Sounds like you are having a marvelous day. :)

jules said...

I feel bad that your spewing black licorice is such entertainment for me......

Laura Belle said...

I forgot to bring my healthy oatmeal for breakfast today and my car just magically drove to Sonic for an SuperSonic Breakfast Burrito. It was the size of a football and I ate the whole thing.

Then for lunch this nice Senorita dropped off freaking authentic homemade tamales and chili rellenos (even though you might not like those, just think of them as the best nachos you've ever eaten) and I promptly shoveled 2 in my pie-hole. No, not just 2....2 of EACH.

Epic clean eating fail.

Now my belly is making funny gurgling noises...
Kill me now....

(Just) Trying is for Little Girls said...

Haha. I can't stop watching Sister Wives. I tried, honest I tried to stop.

Jessica said...

I agree with you on the new car thing... My breaks were going crazy on my Honda... no one could figure out what was wrong with it... so I traded it in for a new car!

Samantha said...

Blah, my car just needs an oil change, and I'm all ready to get a new one >.>

Banded Mommy (Angie) said...

Welp we are in the same car boat. The husbands car is literally falling apart. My car just got an estimate of $900 at least. Seriously?! I cannot take it! I tell you what.. that pooping licorice must really be a pain in the rear.. pun intended

Rachellabelle - My Hips Don't Lie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rachellabelle - My Hips Don't Lie said...

Can't Rambo just "Flinstone" the car to a stop? ;)

MandaPanda said...

I hate spending money on cars unless it's to buy one. I get buying one...you get something new out of it. You replace things like brakes or tires, you feel like you didn't get anything. I wish I could afford a new car every time I needed an oil change. That would be awesome!

Ebbs said...

I know what you mean about spending money on cars. My husband and I have to spend around $2,500 on a new engine for this car....Ugh...that money could have been used for my shopping :)

Joanna said...

My car is 20,000 miles overdue for an oil change... I'm just waiting for the engine to blow up on me - cause I know it's only a matter of days.

Mine isn't the money...well it is in part, but it's mostly the time. Who has time to put their car in the shop for 2 or 3 hours just to get an oil change? I don't.

I'm thinking a new car may be in my future.

mommykinz said...

Good luck on the meeting with the "friends". Even with the broccoli that cheesecake is heavenly!
Your water people sound like the wildlife hotline I'm helping with ...
Hello there's a frog in my yard...
Yes...
Well it's raining...
Ooh well in that case tuck that slimy creature into your bed and kiss hom goodnight he might be your prince.
Crazy shit

Fat in Suburbia said...

OMG I hate spending money on cars! It kills me. And I record Sister Wives, as well. It's a guilty pleasure I just can't quit. :P

Laurie said...

You had me at your "special morning", oh, and the water bill....

Dizzy Girl said...

:) I've missed your sarcasm!!! Love you and hate the callers and non friends right along with you. And wish I had cheesecake for breakfast.

Dinnerland said...

I LOVE black licorice!!

Cat said...

Mmmmmm the waking up with Rambo with chilly rain drizzling sounds soooo devine I can barely type this due to the jealousy dripping from my eyeballs. (eww that just sounded gross...) (PS - I would want G next to me though...just to be clear. Hee hee) *teal puffy hearts with black licorice colored stripes*

Losing It said...

How can the cheesecake be gluten free if the crust has Oreos? Or were they knock off gluten free oreos? Stupid question? yes. sorry. lol

I hate car bills too.

Cece said...

add me to the 'watches stupid tv only to feel better about my own life' list. thank you.

Justawallflower said...

Um, the only thing I can think of at the moment is how wonderful the two pairs of boots I bought yesterday are. And of course hot morning loving. I may have to set my alarm early tomorrow, cause unfortunately I DO have to clock in!