Monday, November 21, 2011

2:34am, toilet paper and public peeing.

Last night at 2:34am (I know - I checked the clock)...I should have been deep in some George Clooney sex dream. 

But I twas not.

I was peeing.

And then I was thinking about how not once in 10 years have I changed the toilet paper roll as I reached for some in my nearly comatose state of mind. 

Not one time.

I pretend I don't know how.  No idea why.

It's along the same lines of pretending I don't know how to put gas in my car.  I don't want to.  Simple as that.  And if I don't know how - um - then Rambo does it.

He always changes the toilet paper roll.  If he's not home and we run out - I get a new roll - and set it on the back of the toilet so when he gets home he can put it on the rolley thingy.  I'm just courteous like that.

And that got me to thinking - as I grabbed for said toilet paper at 2:34 am - about how the TP was getting VERY low and how last time it was that low and I actually ran out and Rambo had to come in WHILE I was peeing and fill it back up to avoid the "pee running down the leg tragedy" that we all hate.

And that got me to thinking about a blog post.  Yup - as I sat peeing - looking at toilet paper by the glow of a nightlight in the bathroom at 2:34am.

First of all - I want to know - who changes the TP roll in your house?  Is it a shared duty?  Or not?  Do you know how to change it and pretend like you don't - like me?  Or am I insane?

Second - as I thought about last time when Rambo stood next to me as I so prettily peed with my pants at my ankles patiently waiting as he filled up the TP roll - I got to thinking about a theory my very own conservative, VERY Catholic, very old school mother has about relationships - and how to tell if the love is indeed true.

It's about peeing - in front of your partner.

Let me be clear - this is ONLY about peeing.  We are not in any way shape or form talking about poo here.  Just #1.  Mmkkaayy?

Anyway - my mother has a theory.  She bases it on her sister's and co-worker's relationships.  You see, one of her sisters has been in her relationship for 20 years with a man and let's just say their relationship sucks.  It's more like a brother and sister relationship.  Which is EXACTLY why they do not pee in front of each other - even after 20 years.

My mother finds that appalling and says that since they cannot pee in front of each other - it is NOT real love.

She's serious.  I can't make this shit up.

Same thing with her other sister - though her relationship is decent - this other sister still cannot fathom peeing in front of her husband.  She visibly shivers in disgust if we discuss this topic. (Yes, we have discussions about this.  Have I mentioned I live in Podunk?)

Again - my mother says - "Well then - it's not love."

I suppose sometimes she is sort of kidding but she is also very serious.  As much as they can't even think about doing it - she cannot imagine not trusting or loving her husband enough to pee in front of him.

Can you believe I just wrote that last sentence?  To love someone enough to pee in front of them?  When did that become a measure of love? 

Holy grasshopper farts - this is insane.

Are you still with me?

My 2nd question therefore is - do you pee in front of your partner?  Have you always or did it come after years of being together?  Will you never?  Do you do it all the time without thinking?  Or do you shut and lock the door?  Give me deets people. (if you want)

Seriously - this is a fascinating subject if you ask me.  I will tell you that in high school I was once in the bathroom with my best friend doing our hair and her mother came in - pulled her pants down - sat her ass on the toilet and proceeded to POOP!  And talk to me the whole time like she wasn't shitting inches away from me!!!

I couldn't very well run and yell MY EYES MY EYES! but man did I want to.  See?  This is why I am scared of poop!  Who would do such a thing?  My friend didn't even blink an eye. 

The woman - who was of no blood relation to me - POOPED next to me.  If my mother had done such a thing I'd have gone to the courts and emancipated myself. 

Ugh - I haven't thought about that moment in a long time.  Thank God.

Anywhoozle, at my house I pee freely.  I don't think I always did just "happened" as the years went by.  I don't even shut the door.  IF I shut the door - that's like saying, "Mommy is doing something fun and having a party because the door is shut so we must slam it open and yell "Mommy, what are you doing?""  It's a f*cking invitation so I don't do it.  I don't even bother.  I go in, I pee.  The end. 

I think it started probably because Rambo and I take baths almost nightly - and before you step in the bath - you pee or you risk peeing IN the bath.  So there we are - about to bathe - and we gots to pee.  So we do.

There are no boundaries if it's pee.  Rambo, because he's a guy, and our offspring are girls - always shuts the door.  BUT I always go in and talk to him or finish my makeup or hair or whatever.  Neither of us cares.

So see?  Total true love.

Cuz he sees me pee.  And I care not.  And vice versa.

What say you about the depth of your love and peeing in the open?

Do they correlate?

Am I more insane than you ever imagined?

Let's just not answer that, mmkkaayy?


Miz said...


I, too, peeeee freely.
initially to my chagrin and now I just go with it.

Cece said...

Until I train Coco (the fur-child) on how to change the toilet paper, I will continue to have that on my task list.

I prefer to keep some mystery in my relationship with Professor. :)

However, if we are ever to get married - all of those car related jobs (oil change, gas, etc) will be removed from my task list.

Joanna said...

I change the TP if I use the last of it...I can't stand not having a roll of TP on the holder thingy.

In regards to peeing - I just leave the door open in my bathroom. Mostly because Jelly just can't help herself and HAS to come with me when I pee. Even if she's at the other end of the house...she has some sonar or something that tells her I'm in the bathroom peeing - so I just leave the door open for her to wander in. Hubby doesn't come in and talk to me while I'm peeing - but he's been in the bedroom while I'm peeing. He shuts the door - because of Jelly.

Got to love your middle of the night thoughts...interesting indeed! Love ya!!

Marcella said...

Since I live alone, I'm CEO of the toilet paper changing. Not a fan either. lol

Great post - had me laughing! :)

Banded Mommy (Angie) said...

We have a rule in my house... If you emptied it then you fill it. We only have one bathroom (yep I said 1) and I can't tell you how much it pisses me off if I go to pee and there isn't any tp there. I storm out like a 5 year old and throw a tantrum. I hate the no tp thing. Period. Now because you put it on the back of the toilet... That works. It's there and waiting.
As far as the peeing... I pee freely unless Alex is here. I don't care that Aaron or Henry sees me. They don't care that I see them. End of story. Now as Aaron gets older, yes I will close the door.
I do agree it is a sign of true love. True love means you could do, say or share anything in front of that person... and I mean anything. I'm not saying you do but if you had to you could.
Great post. Yep I said great post about pee :)

Stephanie said...

Ha-ha...You said "shared duty". Ok, now that my 7 year old boy laughing is over, I have to say I totally pee in front of Jason. I am not one of those women who says they never pee or fart in front of their signifigant other. Seriously, they are intimately familliar with all of your body parts, but you won't be in the bathroom at the same time? I know it's different if you had a raging case of colon blow, but we are talking peeing.

Heck, I've "dropped trou" in front of total strangers (peeing outside in college), I've used the men's bathroom during rock concerts when the line for the women's bathroom was way too long and I've even pulled over on the side of the road and done my business. Classy, I know, but when you gotta go, you gotta go. :)

Lucy said...

I am free kinda pee person! I can't seem to ever get alone time in the bathroom no matter what I'm doing. It is like the social hub of the household... We share the TP replacing duties but I pretend like I don't understand how to work our fancy trash can to remove and replace the bags... SB doesn't buy it but he does it anyway.

MandaPanda said...

No, no no! I do not believe that the sharing of bodily functions has any factor in how much you love someone. I don't even want my hubby to HEAR me pee or poop through the door! Honestly, I don't even like peeing in a work restroom out of embarrassment of people knowing I'm peeing. Yes, this crazy. I know this. And yes, Hubby witnessed the birth of our daughters and saw things come out of my privates that even I didn't want to see but seriously...he doesn't need to see me pee. Now...with all this being said, he HAS seen me pee (needing help after my first daughter's birth as it was a very rough birth and I needed help up and down) but if left to my own capabilities, I'd rather he didn't. I realize this was a much longer answer than what you were looking for but I think it touched a nerve. LOL.

vickyd said...

I'm with Banded Mommy...the rule in my house is if you emptied it, you fill it. That said, I used to be famous for leaving 1 or squares on the roll so I didn't have to replace it until hubby called me out on it so these days I do refill it.

As far as the peeing thing goes...I pee in front of the hubby on a daily basis but I do close the bathroom door because I'm surrounded by boys in my house!

Amanda said...

I'm the only girl in a houseful of males. I pee in private, thankyouverymuch, and not even Choreboy dares to enter while I'm at it. If either of us had to we'd be fine -- it's not that we don't feel comfortable enough around each other to do it. We simply choose not to.

Call it maintaining a little mystery maybe? Perhaps when we're eighty :P

As for the toilet paper, it gets put on the spindle when the next person in feels the urge to do so. Usually this is Choreboy, because I don't always flash on the fact that This Is Important. Then again, I'm trying more to put the toilet paper on the spindle because he mentioned that This Is Important.

And offered to give me a lesson in how to do it. Bless his heart.

Kelly said...

Hmmm - what an interesting take on true love, Draz. So almost NUSSING is off limits, except for #2, right? =)

Jen said...

You must not love me, b/c you've never pee'd in front of me. Which is TOTALLY OK. lol
And how come I know EXACTLY the mom you're talking about? lmfao

kagead said...

Gotta say, I draw the line at bathroom "stuff." Peeing, pooping, whatever- I don't need to see it and I don't need to share it. :) I know you didn't ask, but I'll also share that I like a closed toilet lid and not just to keep the dog from drinking out of it. I just don't need to look into the toilet whenever I walk into the bathroom.

When I was shakin' up with the ex BF, whoever emptied the roll replaced it. Now, it's just me so if I don't replace it, it creates a problem.

Robyn's Nest said...

I would really rather NOT pee in front of Lightening but.... if I shut the dog my dogs act like I stole their best friend so I ususlly leave it open. He pees in front of me; I would prefer he didn't. So I guess it is real love.
I personally would rather keep the being nekkid for romantic interactions, bue alas, it is just not happening.
We share the TP roll changing- whoever uses the last of the paper replaces it.

Fat in Suburbia said...

I change the TP if it's needed which means in my bathroom it's a regular thing. I don't pee in front of anyone except the dog!

Laura Belle said...

Well, I change the TP. Almost 99.99%. Because I'm OCD about the TP flap hanging over and not under.

As far as peeing in the same room...nope. don't do it. Not that I would care or whatever. I pee with the door open all the time. But the hubby's not a big fan. His parents were very proper and never peed in each other's view or walked around in a towel or whatever. So he thinks it's gross to pee when the other person is in the bathroom. Eh, no biggie to me. We still love each other.

mommykinz said...

No one here no

Knows how to change the tp so I do it 'cause it drives me crazy when it's empty. We all pee with the door open, mom, dad, kids too but I like to stop at that. Too much info is not makin' for the sexy feelings.

Jessica said...

Where or where do you come up with this stuff...

I change the roll... or no one else will.

Sometimes I pee infront of my partner, othertimes not... just depends on the day i guess.

FitBy40 said...

I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who knows how to change the TP, the hubby is acting clueless most of the time.
I pee in front of him, but no way on #2 and we've been together for about 9 years. He'll do that in front of me and I still can't understand why he can! he thinks I'm funny. Seriously, I don't want to see a grown man wipe his s$$.

RockBand Barbie said...

You must be my sister from another mister. I totally act like I don't know how to do things so I won't have to do them. I am sure the Rockstar knows I could figure out how to put the tp roll on, but since I don't do it he does. I also have never ironed in our 20 years together, because "I don't know how."

As for peeing, I am the only girl in the house and never shut the door when I pee. I do, however, go in my own, if they don't want to see it they shouldn't be in my room. I am not "pee" shy at all, so I really don't care who is around. I am, however, poop shy, and wouldn't do that in public even if I was about to explode.

Karen Butler Ogle said...

I pee freely. We don't change the roll. We leave the whole package of toilet paper on the floor beside the toilet. We go through it so fast it seems like a waste of energy.

Sarah from Onmyweightohappiness said...

I guess I've always just changed the roll when it needed it but you bring up a good point I always get up in the middle of the night to pee, half asleep and can't remember if the roll has ever ran out! That's funny.
At our house I pee with the door open LOL no shame in my game, unless we have company of course then I am polite and close it. Plus with a 2 1/2 yr old around, I close the door he thinks its a game to find mommy so therefore privacy is gone in our house, the dog and the little boy have to come in the bathroom when mommy pees like it's a big event!

Sam said...

Okay, now I think I pee in public, because that is where I am while reading this and you made me laugh so hard :o)

Firstly: yep you are insane, but we love you anyway!!! And whoever last used the TP is in charge of changing the roll! Simple as that.
Secondly: I'm not in a relationship, but if I were I would hope we loved each other to openly pee in front of each other.

Lee Ann said...

Hmm, perhaps I should write a post on why I broke it off with Law School Guy after just a few dates. But, here in your comment sections, I'll write a synopsis. He took a shit in front of me with the door open----and this was before we'd ever "done anything" more than KISS. Maybe he was in love but I was just disgusted. The End. The moral of the story is that, yes, going potty is reserved for a certain level of intimacy. When you are still getting to know each other, it's best to pretend these bodily functions don't exist.

Jennifer said...

I thought I was the only one who wondered about this topic! I couldnt wait to see the comments! the hubs and I are open pee-ers and whoever used the TP last changes it.


Manda said...

Lol... loved this post.

As far as TP, we all actively replace as it runs out. Or scream at the top of our lungs for more. Enough that my 2 year old has figured it out.

As far as peeing in front of each other... yes, I do now. I used to hate it. But after having kids and now hubby... its like they all could gather in the bathroom if they had to. No #2's though... I will seriously stop mid-way if they come in. But hubby can do it with no problem... eww.

Justawallflower said...

Um, I have to say, having a friend's mom poo next to me may very well have caused anxiety in me about poo as well! My mom always did, and I thought it was gross, but it was what it was. At my house I will change the tp if needed, but I couldn't tell you the brand we buy, the hubbs picks it out. But I will change it, unless its the middle of the night. Then I just set it on top. I, like you, never shut the door in the bathroom to #1. If I do shut the door everyone knows to not bother me! The problem with this is that I sometimes forget to shut the door when we have company! I will pretty much pee in front of anyone. So I don't know what that means about true love. My husband, however, has just in the past year starting peeing in front of me.

Denise said...

I pretty much do everything. When my powers fail, I turn to expert New York plumbing services to bail us out of our plumbing problems.