Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Calling bullsh*t on myself.

No one is going to remember how much you weighed.

Rambo could care less how much I weigh.

These jeans still fit under the muffin top.

Life is about more than working out and counting calories.

I have a right to enjoy life – and the food that goes with it.

I’m too tired to care that much about my weight.

All of the above are true statements – yet today I’m calling “bullshit” on myself.

Enough is enough. Enough gluttony and not caring enough about myself to give a damn.

You see, I’ve kind of let everything go. And once I stop caring about my weight – I stop caring about a lot of things about me.

I don’t really care how my hair looks. I don’t give a crap about makeup. I dress in bigger, non-sexy clothes. I don’t want to go places even less than I normally do. I don’t shave my legs as often. I smile less. I don’t shop. I don’t want Rambo to see me naked as much. I flirt less. I wear less jewelry.

I go to pieces. I tell myself the only person who matters to me doesn’t care how I look. And he doesn’t.

But the morbid truth is that any one day – Rambo could be gone. The person that I say is the ONLY person who matters coud in fact not be around every day.  *Gulp* 

Then what? At that point – beyond being devastated, broken hearted and tragically hurt…I’d also have to deal with hating my weight and my body and how I look and feel on the outside.

And ALL of that would be a recipe for disaster. Why would I do that to myself? Why set myself up for failure?

Why not give myself a leg up on anything that may or may not happen? From losing my favorite pen to something more tragic like losing someone I love. Feeling better and looking better makes EVERYTHING better. For me. 

Life is hard enough.  Why not give myself as many steps in the right direction as possible so that if something not so great happens....I'm already on a healthy mental and physical path?

And the real truth is - Rambo isn’t the only one who matters.

I matter. While I hate that my weight directly affects how I feel about me….it just does. It’s a fact.

So now I’ve been there. Both places on the weight scale. I’ve been a skinny, healthy, obsessed gym rat with a tummy tuck to gained 20 lbs, stuff is starting to not fit, possibly effing up my tummy tuck if this continues to my blood pressure going back up.

Today I strive for balance. Actually I started yesterday. I *know* how to do this.

I finally want to again. For a while it just wasn’t something I could do. I literally didn’t have the will or want or stamina to even try. I just wanted to live and do and not think of the consequences and for once not give a damn and live in the revelry of knowing Rambo loved me anyway. That was enough – for a while.

It’s not anymore. I didn’t come this far to go back.

I’m not getting younger and health issues are imminent and looming if I don’t treat myself better.

I have the time – if I make it.

I have the ability – and I want back the pride that comes with knowing I’m taking care of myself.

So Monday I started eating better. I haven’t gone overboard. Haven’t cut anything out completely – just lessened my portions considerably. Stopped making Twix my breakfast.

I started working out. 35 minutes on the treadmill Monday and last night my fave show was on so I just walked while I watched it for 80 minutes.

Sweating felt good. More importantly – doing something for me – even though I made a million excuses not to – felt amazing.

I am worth health. I am worth the time. I am worth the sweat and the pride that follows.

Already I have spent more time caring about my hair, my outfit, my makeup and how I feel in two days then I have in weeks. I feel myself walking taller even though I probably haven’t lost a pound yet.

The fact is – mentally – I know I’m working on it. I’m trying. I’m caring. I’m doing the right things instead of not giving a damn.

And that’s enough to make me care again about how I present myself. I want to be that person again. I like who that person is. The person I am now isn’t the true me.

I’ve matured in this journey and I know that some days maybe only 20 minutes is all I will have to do the treadmill. Those days I’ll have to watch my diet more.

Some days maybe I can rock out 80 full minutes so I can still have a small treat after supper.

It’s not about perfection anymore….it’s about dedication.

I will balance this. I will do this.

Wrong or right – the fact remains that EVERYTHING in my life is easier, better, more clear and focused and pronounced if I know at my core that I’m actively taking care of my body and my health.

Sure, some of it is vanity and I wish it didn’t matter – but to pretend it doesn’t for me – is a lie.

I had my time off. It was freeing and I needed it for a while. And I knew it would end and I’d reach a point where I’d have to stop not caring.

That point is now. Well, actually it was Monday.

And honestly – I haven’t felt this good physically or mentally in a long time.

I refuse to gain more weight as the holidays approach. I need all the ammo I can get walking into all the social gatherings that the holidays entail and feeling good about my body and health go a long way into helping my anxieties in those situations.

I need this and I want this.

How about you? Anyone fallen off the wagon and want back on? Anyone else want to finish out the last two months of 2011 stronger than we started?

Join me. You won’t be sorry.

Are your mind and body screaming for this “intervention” of sorts?

Will you listen?


MandaPanda said...

Yes yes yes! I am right there with you. Just did a post about getting back to WANTING it today in fact. I keep posting this in all my comments because we all seem to be saying the same thing - Do not let perfect stand in the way of very good. You don't have to do EVERYTHING right in order to be successful...just gotta do it right MOST of the time. Glad to see your motivation is back.

Laura Belle said...

Of course I'm with you! we've already talked about this, but I can't wait to 'feel better' too!

I went on a 30 min walk with Wyatt last night. I took my time and 'noticed' things and it was wonderful!!!

I didn't get up this morning as I'm still exhausted from my trip, but I plan on working out tonight.

I had oatmeal for breakfast, I'm getting a salad for lunch and tonight i'm going to have another salad. One day at a time!!!

Ronnie said...

I'm with you!

Dawnya said...

I'm with you. I'm actually considering joinging a gym...I'm gasping.

Let's finish the year strong!!!

Jessica said...

It’s not about perfection anymore….it’s about dedication.

My favorite part of your post because its so true!

Kahla - Building Blocks Bootcamp said...

I fell off the wagon and rolled down a freaking hill! I'm back on track now - thanks to a head/sinus cold. lol.

But what really turned my thinking around was when I finally realized that when you make your choices a way of life - they become less seasonal and chore-like! Seriously, when you finally decide to do something for YOU - decide to also make it a life-long habit and not a chore or "wagon ride"!

You can't "fall off the wagon" with this mentatlity!

Good luck to both of us on finding the balance we deserve!

You're the best!

Amanda said...

Perfection isn't even an option. Who wants that battle. Dedication is something we all need to fight for. Good habits take a month to become habits! Keep it up...but I know you can do it!

terbear287 said...

Amen, I just found out I have diabetes, the doctor put me on blood pressure meds and I am only 36 damnit. I am going to get under control and do what I need to do. I quit smoking 4 years ago so my daughter wouldn't remember her mom being a smoker. Now it is time to show her that mom isn't a fat ass either.

Robyn's Nest said...

I am with you. I somehow started eating like a bear that just woke in the spring and I have to get that back on track NOW before I hit the 200's again.

Cat said...

I'm going to print this out and wallpaper my room with it!
DEDICATION!! Talk about it sista! The last few weeks I've had a few posts about "I didn't make it to the gym today, but I'm doing Zumba tonight" That is balance for me. That is working my fitness into my schedule on my terms. So very proud of you. Love this post. Love you!! Yay!!

christy said...

very well said. i am not even "off the wagon" and feel recommitted! YOU DESERVE TIME to take care of makes you a happier wife, mom and person. you go!

Chubby McGee said...

AHHHH! I gave myself the same pep talk this a.m.

I was, like, I owe this to myself.

And WE DO!

Major hugs, girly pie!

Hyla said...

You CAN do this!

Vanessa @ Gourmet Runner said...

I love this! I feel the same way - hubby loves me no matter what, so what's the big deal? But I FEEL better, look better, eat better, smile more!

Catherine55 said...

You can do it!! And you do matter quite a lot, lady! :)

Stephanie said...

Let me put it to you this way...and you know I say it with all the love in the world because you're like one of my dearies, but hon, if i can FINALLY suck it up and stop smoking, you can get off your duff and do what you need to do to get back in a healthy mindset. This is not the Draz I know and love. It may be the "non-smoking, i want to shank a bitch" attitude I have going on, but I'm just being real. You are better than this, hon. Embrace yourself. Love yourself.

Vanessa said...

Preach on Preacha! I am counting on making the next two months count!

JRD said...

I'm with you gurl - and I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes I feel like my whole life is like this - just cycles of being right on, and cycles of not giving a shit. For most of my life, my perfectionism has gotten in the way of adjusting to a new way of doing things...this time feels so different - it's not about perfection, it's about progress. I know you can do it!!

Justawallflower said...

I jumped back on last week, and I'm going to do great things the rest of this year! Let's do it!

Kelly said...

OMG - I could've written this post. When I stop caring about what I'm eating, I stop caring about everything else - my appearance, my clothes, getting my eyebrows waxed.

Lucy said...

I'm with you, I have had my band 6 days short of 2 months and I've spent the last 3 weeks shitting the time away, eating junk, going back to my old ways. I can't do that any more I started over today as well. I just logged my fist exercise in months. We can do this

mommykinz said...

Oh thank heaven
I've been shoveling Halloween crap down my pie hole while deluding myself everyday that I'm still in good shape. Tomorrow I'm breaking the mother of all sweats. Let's go - and I'm gonna watch Alex O'Laughln on Hawaii 5-O as my motivation!

zionastar said...

CREEPER ALERT! I gave you a blog award.

FitBy40 said...

Every time I don't want to exercise, when I know I should, I think of my mom. She spent her whole life being unhealthy and out of shape. She was never a young, active cool mom, not even when she WAS young!
I don't want that for my girls. I want them to remember me being fit, healthy, and energetic. That's my motivation.
Good for you! Good luck.

Cece said...

Yes. You are worth it. Not that there (seems to be) anything plain and simple about you (leave that to me) - but the sentiment - plain and simple - you are worth it !

trisha said...

Manda (Book of Me) and I are starting a challenge (well, it technically started yesterday, so you're already on track!) that runs thru Jan 1! It's to keep us focused on being healthy and working out thru the holidays and horrible food. The end goal is ultimately to loose 20 lbs, but there are no rules or prizes - just the effort! It has an awesome name, too (will reveal it this week)- and we're making a button for it as well!! Join us!! :)

A.J. said...

For me, it has become about making the best possible choice in any given moment, and always be conscious and aware of the choices I make. Are some choices gonna better than others? Yep. But if I am not satisfied with my choices I just have to make a better choice the next time.

Bodacious Boomer said...

I've fallen off the healthy wagon so many times that when I try to get my huge ass back up on it the driver looks at me and says "Really, again?" I hate him.

Tanya said...

inspirational post, thank you. I am deathly scared of the coming holidays. I know I will struggle. :(

Lisa said...

Amen to this post!!!

Ice Queen said...

Boy was this ever timely. And yes, the screaming is loud. :D

Andrea said...

Love, love, love this!!! I'm so with you!

Kyla said...

I'm in.