Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Cats and vaginas.

Yup. You read that title right.

And when your next thought is, “Why would cats and vaginas EVER be in the same story?”….well, rest assured I’m going to tell you. And it’s pretty embarrassing.

But since when did embarrassing ever stop me from telling you guys all about whatever it is?

*Sigh* Let’s just get this over with.

Banana – the now 6 year old has somehow learned the word vagina. I mean, yes, I’m sure she knew the word before or had heard it when I used it when being a politically correct mother BUT now?

She knows what a vagina IS.

And she’s throwing the word out willy nilly. Like it’s as normal as the word “the”.

For instance, last night our cat M was laying in Banana’s lap. He is a huge cat and is as big as her when he’s all cuddled out with her. Every five minutes she’d say, “Mom…look at M. Look how much he loves me. Isn’t he cute?”

Every
Five
Minutes

I swear.

Anywhoozle, M decided to get up. When he moves and you’re under him – you know it. He weighs nearly 20 pounds.

He got up and she looked at me and said, “Mom – M just stepped on my vagina!!!”, as she so tactfully grabs her crotch and grimaces like he punctured her lung or something.

I let it go. No sense in making a big deal of it. And she was right – he DID step on her vagina and every other body part she had on his way off the couch.  He can't help it - did I mention he's a 20 lb cat?

Then this morning came and the events unfolded like this…..

Banana: Mom, M is right by my backpack. I think he wants to go to school with me.

Me: Um, no. He is 20 lbs and won’t fit in that tiny backpack.

B: I’ll put him on a leash.

Me: Nope. Cats aren’t allowed at school.

*Now she goes down the steps towards the garage and car.

B: Mom – look! M is following me. I think he’s addicted to me!

Me: Yup – he reeealllly loves you. (in my head I’m thinking how does she know what addicted means?)

*As Banana continues down the steps behind Watermelon, she says this:

B: Yah, he does really love me. Remember last night when M was in my vagina!!

Me: What did you say???

B: You know – remember when M was in my vagina last night on the couch?

Me: Um…we can’t say that M was in your vagina honey.

B: Well, he was.

Me: No – he wasn’t. He happened to step on you. Please don’t repeat that to anyone. We can’t say vagina in public (MUCH LESS THAT CATS WERE IN IT!)

God help me!

You should have seen Watermelon’s face when she heard what Banana had just said.  Her eyes got huge and she was so confused she didn’t know what to do. Yell at her sister for saying vagina or laugh her ass off or pretend she heard nothing. She wanted to crawl out of her skin for fear of what would transpire next.

I looked at Watermelon with a pleading look like, “Oh God in Heaven – please don’t let her go to school and tell everyone that our cat was in her vagina!”

I could see it play out. The teacher calling me and saying, “I don’t know how to ask you this but do you have a cat and was he in anyone's vagina for some reason?”

Shitballs.

I thought of calling the teacher and warning her. But really – how does one start a conversation like that?

No, really Mrs. Teacher – we aren’t sadistic animal torturers…we just have a huge cat and a child who recently figured out that one of her body parts is called a vagina and and and he stepped on her and – oh hell forget it!

In about 30 seconds, we changed subjects completely. Banana informed me that my old ex-boyfriend’s son thinks she’s cute and wants her to be his girlfriend.

She told me she said, “No way. I’m only 6.”

I told you guys this would happen, didn’t I?

And she continued and says, “Tonight Mom, I need you to make me a sign that says *No Boys Allowed* for my room. Because boys are dumb. And they talk too fast.”

Sure. I’ll make you a sign. If I had my way though the sign would say:

*No Boys (or cats) allowed*

It’s just safer for everyone’s vagina that way, don’t you think?

33 comments:

Jessica said...

hahahahahahahahahahah.... WOW! I need to install cameras into your house... I would be a million air!

Drazil TV!

Karen Butler Ogle said...

OMG. Kids are exasperating sometimes. I hope it all turns out okay. I had a situation like that when my younger daughter was small. My ex husband had left some magazine for adult toys down in the couch. Kailee found it and took it too school when she was in second grade. I was never so embarrassed in my life as when the teacher called me to come and get it.

Robyn's Nest said...

Ha Ha Ha. I started to chuckle when I read the blog title and continued through the whole thing. Your daughter's sound priceless.

Building Blocks Bootcamp said...

LMAO! Love. It.

Angelia said...

ROFL!!

Kelly said...

At least she didn't lose her vagina or couldn't find it like you did.

Kyla said...

Do you think we talked like this around our parents? LOL. Great story!

Alison said...

Fabulous! She sounds amazing.

I just shouted at my 6 yr old as she had a jelly sweet positioned on her (I wouldn't normally use this word but feel that I should) vagina and was writhing slightly. I really shouted that I didn't like to see what she was doing, she looked at me very confused and said that the sweet shaped as a broomstick and what did I think she was doing?

Lot's of backtracking and hiding my head in the fridge whilst I laughed!

Vanessa said...

That's funny!!

A.J. said...

The only thing that would have made this post better is if you would have titled it "Pussy and Vagina" ---- oh, who am I kidding? You prolly already thought of that! :)

Rachellabelle said...

Wooooooooooow hahahahaha! I don't even know what to say. As precious as children can be, you certainly can't control what comes out of their mouth. Wow! haha

MandaPanda said...

LMAO! That made my day!

Amanda said...

LOLOL I am so glad you are writing all these things down to torture your kids when with they are teenagers!

Sarah from Onmyweightohappiness said...

Oh my sweet heavens LMAOOOOOOOOO Imma be laughing about this all day long.

Laura Belle said...

Oh the joys of parenthood. I can't wait.

(I would have been on the floor, rolling, if my kid said that to me!)

Beth Ann said...

Oh good God in heaven, you crack me up.

You were in my dream last night. I was in London for the Olympics and you were there. You told me you had to come to make sure that I got that tattoo we talked about. Then I "remembered" that we talked about me getting a jalapeno pepper tattoo but I kept asking why I would get that in London. :)

Justawallflower said...

How the heck am I suppose to discretely read posts like this at work? I now have to explain to my boss, who sits two desks down from me, what "work" has me cracking up, with tear coming down my cheeks!

Cat said...

HAHA!! Sweet little Banana, I was seriously laughing out loud through this entire post!

Read said...

OMG - I once had this convo with Teddy about how girls don't have penises. Teddy is a little engineer and needs to understand how things work - so he's asking very specific questions (he was probably about 6 or 7ish) - where does the pee come out of - i mean there's got to be a little hole, right? well yes, there's a hole - well where is it? (I'm totally doing a post about this - you've totally inspired me) It was awful, that's all I can say!

Miss S. said...

LMAO! Filed under the "Never thought I would ever have this conversation file. EVER."

Fat in Suburbia said...

Thanks for the laugh!

terbear287 said...

holly shitballs and amazballs that is the funniest thing ever. At least your kiddo will talk about vaginas. My daughter will not even mention anything to do with girle stuff. I just keep saying "you know, you can talk to mommy about anything" I don't want to embarrass her like I thought my mom did. This is a really hard topic. You go girl.

Bridget said...

HAHAHA! Oh the things kids say! My son had a conversation last week and afterward, I was like, "I didn't need to know that!" :-0

Shug in Boots said...

Holy shiz. Once I saw an 8 year old write about those seven elephants eating his nuts. Because that's what the directions said. "Write a sentence about "those seven elephants". At first I stopped breathing. But, then I was like, righhhhhhhht, elephants do eat peanuts. I let it go. Crisis averted.

Andrea said...

LOL!!

FitBy40 said...

And all I'm thinking while reading this is "Oh good God, I have a 6 year old!"

Impulsive Addict said...

OMG! This is so flippin' funny!!!!!!

Amy said...

I teach kinder/first grades and one of the first things I tell parents is, "I promise not to believe most of what your child tells me about you if you promise the same." ;)

Sam said...

You know, your household would make a great reality TV show... one that even I would watch :o)

Joanna said...

LOL...Oh the joys of parenthood. I sure hope there's no slip ups at school...can't even imagine what that conversation would be like.

MizFit said...

OMG
I laughed
I cried
IT WAS BETTER THAN CATS :)

mommykinz said...

OMG that is hilarious.
My 5 year old nephew calls a vagina a vanigel (sounds like Nigel)

Michelle said...

Um amazing! My two year old nephew asked me if I had a "peeeeenis". I said yes. His parents can deal with that.