Friday, November 25, 2011

I'm not really supposed to be blogging.

My family and I are supposed to be sitting around a fire in matching sweaters.  Drinking hot cocoa.  Telling stories.  Laughing so hard our cheeks hurt.  Never wanting the night to end.  Maybe even watching an old black and white Christmas movie.  For sure putting up the tree and watching the lights dance across the ceiling.

And yet, I ask you this...

In whose f*cking house does this really happen?  Who is the asshole at Hallmark who put this vision in my head?  I want to kick him square in the nuts and scream, "LIAR LIAR - your balls should be set on fire."

Oh shit - I probably should have warned you that if you want some Thanksgiving love and cheer - you shouldn't read this.  My life does not belong on the Lifetime Channel.  I cannot wait for this holiday to be over.  I want to vomit just re-thinking about it - and I still have one left to go to.

I'd literally rather clean the toilet after Explosive Man has used it.  With my bare hands.  And no Mr. Bubbles to help me.

I'm not trying to be funny.  In fact, I'm forcing myself to pretend to be funny.

Because the fact that I hate this holiday and the one coming up - hurts my heart.  Badly. 

I feel like it's breaking in two.  To admit that I don't want to be near anyone other than Rambo and my two girls - feels terrible.  Selfish.  Mean.  Un-loving.  Bitter. 

Like I'm worse than Satan and the Grinch all in one.  I am Sataninch.

I wasn't always this way.  Nope - I was the girl who built up the holidays in my mind - knowing with everything in me they'd be perfect....just like the Hallmark cards.

And then they weren't.  And I'd tell myself not to expect too much next time. 

Now I don't expect anything.  Yet I still come away hurt. 

Walking away from the get togethers - trying not to run away so as not to appear rude - felt like a betrayal to a heart inside of me that I know isn't really cold and awful.

I can't be what everyone wants me to be.  I didn't marry the Prince of the Universe according to you.  I can't agree with everything you say and believe in.  I can't make you love me.  I can't be enough for you. 

I can't make you see that me not wanting to be with you - also kills me inside.

I don't want to be that person.  But the truth is the truth. 

I've never wished a holiday away before - until now.  I want it over. 

While that makes me shallow and cold and unfeeling - it also makes me a woman who for the first time in my life is saying what I need and truly feel when it comes to family get-togethers.

I don't have the energy to pretend we're the Bradys.

We never were.  We're never going to be.  I don't expect us to be.  It's unrealistic at best.

I never really wanted that anyway.  I just wanted "normal". 

I just wanted to be in a room with all of them - and not want to run away screaming.

That's all...and it was too much to ask apparently.

God help me but I can't wait to go back to work Monday.


Read said...

Oh sugar - my heart hurts for you reading this. I was there once. I hated family getting together for the holidays - sucked the life right out of me. And at some point I'd had enough - I took a break. Sorry, we can't come this year. Lie, cheat, steal - but you need to say that. Maybe it's too late this year (though I swear to God it's not). And you know what it took for me to break away??? My kids - I couldn't stand the thought of them having all this emotional angst in their lives.

I just stopped one day - said no more. We're not leaving our house for Christmas. We're doing it at home and quiet - just the four of us. After a few years I told a few people that if they wanted to join us they could, but we weren't leaving the house - period. When I was a kid I HATED holidays - and I just didn't want that for my kids.

It was hard the first few times - there was push back - but you know what - it was hard being at the other events - so who cares - you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. So Draz, start a new tradition and do it now. Just the four of you - at home with a tree and something yummy to drink.

It was one of the very best decisions I ever made - I swear to God!!!

I love you and am sending loving energy your way!!

Dawnya said...

Seriously....ugh...I can't hate your family...because they made you the strong, fierce woman you are today...but I can strongly dislike them

You should just call me and put me on speaker phone...everytime you cough I will cuss them like they stole my donut.

Fab Kate said...

Here's the deal: There's nothing wrong with having holidays with just you, Rambo and the girls. You can have Hallmark moments, just the four of you. Thursday the girls did exactly what you described. But it was just the three of us. Without a dining room table (since the apartment is too small) sitting on the floor talking over a turkey after watching a parade, putting up the tree and just sitting and watching the lights, watching sappy Christmas movies and just talking and having fun.

There was a while in my life I thought my WHOLE family was needed for that: All my kids, my parents, the grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles... And we used to have all of those HUGE family gatherings years ago... And we make fun of them to this day. The rituals (Like, "Who'll take grandpa home?" and "See how long it takes Ann to run to her room and lock herself in" and "How much can Uncle Dick drink") made them less than the ideal.

What I've found in life is that if you want to have a Hallmark moment, you have them with other people CAPABLE of having Hallmark moments... no matter how many, or how few.

And, BTW, "normal" is the family drama. NO ONE gets the perfect extended family. I eschew "normal" in favor of "good".

Caron said...

I grew up in a children's home so I was unaware of the way things were "supposed" to be. My two daughters and I spent our holidays alone for many years and built our own traditions. One Thanksgiving we went to Sea World and took a picnic basket for lunch with ham sandwiches. Great day.

I hope you can find a way to get out of what you are hating. Do your think your daughters are sensing the negativity? I thought I was keeping things from my daughters but they were much smarter than me in a lot of ways. Hugs to you. :)

Karen Butler Ogle said...

Drazil, I just don't see my family on holidays now. Dail and the kids and I celebrate. That is the way it should be. Let the others do their thing without you. You don't have to be there. stay home and do holidays with Rambo and the girls.

Joanna said...

Everyone has said what I was going to say....there's no reason that you can't have that Hallmark vision - with just you, Rambo, and the girls.

This year, I didn't invite everyone to my house to Thanksgiving - like I usually do. I just wanted something small, because I'm happier when it's just my close family. I may have hurt some feelings - but you know what? I just told them that this year I wanted to focus on my family - rather than worrying about everyone else. And you know what? They were OK with it...they understood.

It hurts my heart that you hate these holidays just because of family get togethers. You deserve to be happy...and if it means pissing a couple of people off in the process? Big whoop.

In my opinion - and you know I'm gonna tell you like it is...ditch all the family get togethers, or put them off until after the holidays. Plan out a Christmas with just you, Rambo, and the girls...and bring your dream to life!!

Jo said...

We have Thanksgiving and Christmas with just Husband and me. We started our own tradition many years ago when we realized the family may or may not show up, may or may not bring the food they said they would, may or may not even acknowledge the invitation. So now we have the perfect holidays the way WE want them to be. I do the cooking, he watches football, we even rake leaves sometimes. We take a nap. We watch a movie. It's always a wonderfully sweet time with just us.

There's nothing wrong with starting your own traditions. Do it now while your girls are still young enough to cherish the memories you make. Life is too short to be miserable and anxious over the days that should be remembered as the best of times.

Rachel said...

I think someone needs a snuggly turkey hug.. hang in there sweetie. xxx

Ice Queen said...

You, my love are not evil. You are not bad, wrong or any of the other horrid names you ascribe to yourself for feeling the way that you do.

Let's banish one myth rightfuckingnow: The whole fire, cocoa, matching sweaters thing? Total bullshit. So let that go. Release it. You don't ever have to even try to live up to it. One reason for all of the stress and pain and alcoholic haze of the Holidays is that stupid, insane, pushed upon us notion that they have to be "perfect".

They don't. And you are not obligated to make them so. Please let me repeat that, because I need you to really hear it. You are not obligated, in any way, shape or form to make the holidays "perfect" for anyone. You are not under contract to Hallfuckingmark to make sure that everyone is having the time of their lives while envious neighbours look longingly in through your picture window, wishing that they were you.

Doesn't happen for anyone. Never has. Never will. It is all a marketing ploy to sell more shit. Full stop. So stop buying it. You can't afford it. And you don't need it, sweetheart.

Make your holidays what your idea of right for you and your little family; your loving husband and your sweet, cherished daughters is. If that means quiet togetherness sans the matching sweaters (why does the very idea of a family all in matching sweaters make my brain explode?), cocoa, fire and stories then that is what you should do.

I know that you love your family. I can feel it in every post you write about them. But Drazzie, you can't torture yourself trying to live up to some false ideal for their sakes. You just can't. It's tearing you apart.

May I make a suggestion? Start your own perfect holiday traditions. If that means just you, the hubs and the girls, then do it. Make your own happy. Make your own "perfect". Whatever that looks like. Put your foot down, remind them that you love and cherish each and every one of them but that you need the time at home, just you, your husband and girls to decompress, bond and be together for the precious few hours or days that you can manage, this time of year.

The rest of your family will accept it and deal. Or not. But you can't continue to rip your heart and head to shreds over it. You don't deserve the pain and the anguish. So stop heaping it on yourself.

Chubby McGee said...

Oh, love...I hear and feel ya. I wanted to get the flu from Wednesday night until Thursday at midnight just to avoid our get-together. I hate the drama and the negativity associated with certain family members and I despise biting my lip and being bullied and/or pretending that everything is fine and hunky-dory when it is NOT. UGH!

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Sandy Lee said...

Just wanted to let you know that you are enough for us. The movie Christmas Vacation was what finally made me see that there really are no Hallmark holidays. So we make the special moments with just my small little family and "get through" the get togethers with the bigger family with my nose held.

I've changed a bit of thinking about Christmas this year. I went to a Celebration of Life for a friend of my son's who died two months ago at age 52. He gave when he was alive. Not money, but time and energy to help others. I was amazed at the number of people who showed up for a Very Terry Christmas (his name was Terry) and all the stories about his life. I cried the entire time. He meant so much to my son and I realized I wasn't sure if many people would actually show up for a memorial service for me. OK a few but really giving and making a mark on others is the important stuff. Not sure where I am going with this but I did post about that poem "The Dash" and I want my dash to mean something.

Just start thinking that work is only TWO days away!!!

Kenda said...

I really have nothing to add to what everyone else is saying. I completely understand how you feel. I always wanted that Hallmark vision to be reality and always came away upset, hurt, angry, confused, and wondering what was wrong with me that things never were the way they were "supposed" to be.

There is nothing wrong with having the holidays, and wanting the holidays to be just you, Rambo, and your girls. Take care of YOURSELF and YOUR precious family. Don't do what is "expected", do what is best for you and your girls. Nothing else matters.

Ms. M said...

I seem to have total commenting block lately... But I want you to know I love you to pieces & I hate that you have to go through this. I agree with the others... Make new traditions. It will be hard, but surely not as hard as this torture you put yourself through. Praying for you my friend.

trisha said...

hugs to you, i am sorry people have made you feel this way... even more, people that should love and accept you for who you are... xoxo

mommykinz said...

I think if you can't stop seeing the people who ruin your holiday you should make it advantageous for yourself, kind of like a drinking game but with money and shoes. Hmmm lets see, every time _____ (insert name of someone who pisses you off) comments negatively you add a virtual $1 to your shoe bank, every time ______ (insert name of someone who has nothing nice to say) says something completely assinine add a virtual $1 to your shoe bank.... Then by the end of a holiday you'll have enough "money" in your account to buy yourself some gosh dang gorgeous shoes and you can thank the assholes for your new shoes every time you wear them. Maybe you'll even look forward to the holidays.

Dinnerland said...

Eh, I had a misunderstanding with my mom this morning and now she appears to not be speaking to me!! Family is nutty.

Stephanie said...

Hallmark movies are a bag full of reindeer crap. Yeah, I'm sure some people have holidays like that, but they are probably all sedated with their own "medication" and the closeted vices have not yet come out of the closet. '

Stay at home with your girls and Rambo and create YOUR OWN HAPPY MEMORIES. Happy memories for the girls, so they don't grow up dealing with your second hand stress on THEIR family holidays.

How about night a few days before Christmas, we get all the jedi Kittens on a conference call and have our own long distance "Hallmark Christmas"? After all, you are my family too, now!!! We're sisters, remember? Porn shop visiting, drag queen watching, pizza with Kung Fu Panda eatin', Kick Ass Get Together in Chicago plannin' SISTERS!!!

Kelly said...

Oh honey, what if you started a new tradition at holiday time? Just you, the girls, & Rambo from now on.

MizFit said...

what kelly said and complete understanding from this misfit whose parents are downstairs NOT sleeping...

Maren said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I'm so glad you did, because it made me find you!

I know the feelings you describe, and seriously.. F it. Be with YOUR family, and F other people's traditions and demands. Make it about you and the people you actually want to be with!

Anonymous said...

sorry you have to go through this.
i agree, start your own traditions and have family time with Rambo and the girls.

and to take your mind off of all that....i thought of you in your leather pants on a harley, wearing THESE:
(they are even hotter looking in the ad in the Self magazine)

Robyn's Nest said...

I think it has all been said, so just, hugs.

MandaPanda said...

I'm afraid I don't have much to offer by way of advice so I just want to send ((HUGS)) your way. The Hallmark Christmas doesn't exist. It just doesn't...not for anyone. And it's OK. Enjoy the "magic of the season" with your girls and Rambo and just grin and bear the rest of it. Trust's what the rest of the world is doing too.

Laura Belle said...

I know this is like 18 days late, but just be who you want to be. Have holidays the way YOU want to have them. You know how to do it. SO DO IT! Who gives a turkey fart if someone gets pissed. If all you care about is Rambo and the girls, and they're happy....then you'll be happy.

Besides, who really wants a Hallmark card holiday??!! They're boring with no drama. And no booze. And no skittle baths. I heart me some drama, booze and skittle baths! Don't you?! (well, except for the booze part.) Makes life interesting.