Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Malls are NUSSING but trouble.

The last time I was humiliated in a mall was when a little Asian lady screamed, YOU WEAR NUSSING?” And then her eyes silently said, “You slut-puppy!” as she proceeded to find creative ways to look at my pooty tang as she massaged me – while Jenny giggled – like every best friend would do.

Speaking of pooty tang….let me tell you this quick story before I enlighten you about my SECOND mall  event.

Rambo said something stupid and I retorted with, “Keep it up and you won’t be getting any pooty tang.”

Banana was about 5 feet away when I said it. She turns around and says, “Yah Dad, behave or you don’t get any pudding time.”

Pooty tang. Pudding time.

Totally the same. Totally what Banana “thinks” her ultra-classy mother said to her father.

Okay – on to the mall sitch.

Apparently I don’t go to malls where anyone is from Podunk and speaks regular American hick English. Nope – not me.

This time I’m pretty sure my girl was Russian, Roman or British or some damn thing. I don’t know. I suck at accents.

You see, I just wanted to buy some feathers. And in the middle of the mall in one of those little temporary carts – my mall girl was selling them. I stop and look and pick out two and I clearly say, “I don’t need you to put them in – I can do that myself.”

To which she says, “Okay. Ye know how. Dis good.”

I *think* I’m going to pay and move on. But just then mall lady says, “I show ye something. Sit here. Do ye straighten yer hair?” – as I sit and she is already combing my hair.

I’m thinking she misunderstood and is going to put my feathers in.

She says again, “Ye do yer hair? Ye put hairspray in? Ye straighten it?”

What? I’m so confused. What is happening?

She then says, “Let me show ye dis. Dis eez amazing.”

She proceeds to pull a straightener out of her ass (I had no idea she even had one there) and she straightens one side of my hair. She gives me a speal that she clearly has memorized and says it so fast my head is spinning.

At this point – Rambo is laughing. He knows I’m on my way to being suckered.

THIS is why she asked if I straightened my hair.

She moves to the other side of my head and puts two tight curls on that side.

Yup – pretty me. Sitting in the middle of the mall. One side of my hair is completely silky straight and the other side is curly wurly. Freaking great.

She turns to Rambo and says, “Ye like how she look? Pretty ya? Come feel it.”

He touches my hair. He can hardly stop laughing.

Now we get to price. The price speech. The whole “this normally sells for one million dollars but today it’s on sale for just ________” story.

So here we go. $250 retail.

Oh wait - did I mention that it is freaking pink zebra print? How the hell am I supposed to walk away from PINK ZEBRA PRINT?

She says she’ll give me a discount and sell it for $150. I say I’ll walk around the mall and come back and buy it.

She zaps me with an oldie but goodie and says, “Why not buy now then?”

CUZ Lady – I’m LYING – I’m not really going to come back you dimwit.

She says, “Wait. I give ye better deal. Let me check with me manager. I do this fer ye.”

I feel like I’m on a 3am infomercial. And then she comes back and sweetens the amazing deal.

“I give ye this straightener PLUS this shampoo. It is from Morocco. It is usually $50. AND the warranty which is usually $50. All for $125.95!”

Her eyes light up. She thinks she’s got a winner winner chicken dinner. And she’s thinking “this stupid lady thought she was only going to buy feathers.”

I say, “Nope. If it was all for $100, I’d take it.” And I start to get up.

“No. No. Wait. I check with manager. I be right back.”

“Oh ya – we do fer $100. We do just fer ye. Ye happy, ya?”

F*ck yah.

Rambo whispers, “Hey babe, there’s something on your forehead. I think the words SUCKER are written there. You just got taken by a mall lady with a cart.”

I say to the lady, “Before I pay…you’re gonna have to either curl all my hair or straighten it all because right now I look like an idiot.”

She fixes my hair, I pay and walk away. Two feathers, a lifetime warranty, an expensive bottle of “Moroccon” shampoo AND a straightener.

I calmly explain to Rambo that just a week or so prior to today I had researched straighteners. I watched YouTube videos on how you can curl your hair using them. And I researched which were the best and why. And prices too. And I decided I wanted one – but not for the price they were asking….so I let it go.

Until the little mall lady entered my life.

I just went from “total sucker” to “nussing but savvy”. I knew the brand and the price and exactly what I was buying.

YAY me.

And hell, this time I was even wearing underwear.


Dawnya said...

BAM...you conned the mall cart lady!!! I'm so proud of you. This is way better than stealing a pen. You are moving up in the world. LOL

Jen said...

Way to GO sweet cheeks! I avoid those mall gypsies like the plague. I can't wait to see yer pretty hair!

Justawallflower said...

Oh my, I don't even look those lady's in the eye, if I do I'm sucked in! And I don't have the nerve to haggle. I've have ended up paying $300 for the exact same thing just because SUCKER is written on my forhead in much bigger, sparklier lettering. And I still would have tried to convince my husband that it was a deal. Yep, if it comes off a mall cart I don't go near it!

Cat said...

Pink Zebra Print?? Holy hell where do I sign up? *pink zebra hearts for you*

Also - Banana is too sweet. *hearts especially for her*

Ronnie said...

You're. my. hero.

I'm glad someone conned the con lady.

Lucy said...

My sister in law gives them the best "bitch don't talk to me look" so they attack me every time... ugh! I can't pass up anything pink!

Joanna said...

Damn...that sounds like a good deal!! Pink zebra stripe, are you freakin kidding me???

Seriously, I think I'm going to book myself on the next plane, so you can take me to see de Russian Lady.

I won't take offense to the fact that you though she may have been British...We Don't Talk That Way!!

You would have heard "Alright, darlin', I'll give it to ya for a steal. You won't find a bargain like it around!!"

Cece said...

I just mumble: Sprechen sie deutsch? (do you speak German) or some other foreign phrase because I cannot say no ..

Rachellabelle said...

That is an awesome story. Who can say no to pink zebra print?

Jessica said...

Thats awesome!!

Dizzy Girl said...

Hell yeah! Good deal- I paid $125 for my straightner, and I buy the morrocan oil (not shampoo), but that shiz is expensive too. You got a good deal- I'm so proud! I should send you a pic of my new sex ass shoes I got...you'd love them.



trisha said...

betchya coulda talked her down to 75. LOL! ;)

Miz said...

ok your peeps?
your commenters?


MandaPanda said...

LOL! Those mall cart ladies are worse than used card salespeople. THe ones that really bug are the cell phone guys but they're easier to avoid. I never willingly approach a cart if I can possibly help it.

vickyd said...

I just never make eye contact with them...if you make eye contact then they attack (you know, the same way you deal with an attacking dog). But I guess since you needed the feathers you couldn't avoid that so I guess the next best thing is to beat her at her own game...well done :D

Laura Belle said...

I haven't been to a mall in so long I'm starting to have convulsions. NEED. TO. SHOP!!!

Way to go on the deal! you're just so BadAzzzzz!

Beth Ann said...

Mall people freak me out. They are like carnies.