Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Nipples. Candy. Black Friday. And even surgery with combs.

These are the thoughts going through my head on Tuesday, this first day of November.


Please remember….I never said they were good thoughts. Read at your own peril.

• I was speaking with a fellow runner at work – a man – a Manager in fact…and he is filling me on some marthon running tips just in case I turn more insane and decide to try one some day. He looks right at me without even smiling and says, “You know you have to wear vaseline or something on your nipples or they will bleed, right?”

Excuse me? Did you say nipples? Like to my face? Without laughing? Here? In my office?


Are we actually discussing perverted chub rub?


Marathon tip time is over. I shall read a book. Thank you very much. Move along now.

• Just so you all know – I ran last night. No one was even chasing me. I did it for the “health” of it so I can stop feeling like a turdfiddle. And so I can burn off all the Halloween candy I’ve been eating.


• Speaking of Halloween candy….get this. I was so pissed at the sight of it going into my mouth last night that I shoved it all in a bag and I brought it into work and set it on the counter. Donezo. No more in my house. Satan balls – it was just too much to look at and smell and eat. Yes, that’s right. I own a set of pink plaid balls of steel. You may borrow them if you’d like to rid yourself of your Halloween candy too.

• Did I ever tell you about the one time I went to a fancy dinner with friends and their friend’s parents and I sat down next to our older gentlemen friend and he says to me, “Hey, you got something on your pants.”

Slap my ass and call me stupid – I sure do.

It was the f*cking long sticker tag that had the SIZE of my jeans written on it about 16 times. How does one rip that off tactfully at supper in a restaurant?

No. We are not going to discuss the number on the tag. He was a man – he was too oblivious to know if it was good or bad anyway.

• Yesterday Banana had out one of her dolls and about 50 of my combs and she was playing with the doll’s stomach. I asked her what she was doing. She said, “I’m doing surgery. I’m going to get her pendix and politics out.”


Well damn. Why didn’t someone tell me that to get the politics out of someone you just have to dig it out of their stomach with a comb!?

• You know how I love to steal pens? Yesterday TWO – yes – not one but TWO – of my stolen pens quit working. Fluke or kharma? You decide.

• Someone yesterday told me that there were only 25 days until Black Friday or something like that and they were already gathering ads and making their shopping strategy.

I would just like to say that rather than Black Friday shop I’d like to have lunch with Casey Anthony followed by drinks with OJ Simpson. No way in hellz people. I’d also like to say – um wow – if you have that much time to be making Black Friday strategies already – I hate you.

I can't help it.  I just do..

• Someone on Facebook was going on and on about using Advocare to lose weight. For about 30 seconds I thought of buying some. Really? Will I ever learn?

• Lastly, have you guys ever heard that joke about Youtube, Twitter and Facebook joining together? They will be called……..

……wait for it

……………………wait……..

You twit face.

Funny, yes?

Well, there you go. Your whole life is better now because you read this post right?

You’re welcome. Glad I could help.

Wait until you see what’s up for tomorrow.

It starts with a P and ends with OOP….and I can’t believe I’m actually going to write it.

But I cannot resist.

20 comments:

Dawnya said...

Nipple rub...I think I will create some and charge $50 for a jar. Some crazy will buy it. LOL

I can't believe he said that....like with a straight face.

Stephanie said...

Start making fun of me now because I have already begun my Black Friday Reconnisiance Missions. That's where you located the stuff you want to buy, map it out in the store and go get it when it is on sale. I am a suscriber to 2 different black friday websited that have the ad scans posted for the sales. I only go for clothes on sale, so does that make me a little less insane? You'd do it for shoes!

trisha said...

the nipple and bleed thing totaly just ooged me out....

Miss April said...

I don't even know what to say....

Jessica said...

OMG... I was having a bad day and then I read your post! I puffy heart you Drazil! You always put me in a good mood!

Ronnie said...

That nipples thing is totes true, though. But you should put bandaids over them... not vaseline. Dumb men.

vickyd said...

I can't believe that guy said "nipples" to you at work...I think I just threw up a little in my mouth...

Robyn's Nest said...

You just made me laugh for the first time today- thanks for that!

Darlin1 said...

;-)

Kristin50 said...

I am laughing so hard my sides hurt!

Congrats on the running, I am a virgin runner no more after this past weekend! LOL

I ran a mile and a half! Yippee

RockBand Barbie said...

I thoroughly enjoy reading your posts. You never stay on one topic too long and then move on to the next random topic...I love it!

Joanna said...

Ugh - I don't even want to think about Black Friday... I'd much rather think about why vaseline is needed on my nipples.

I seriously thought about getting rid of the candy today...but then I know my kids would forever hate me. I just can't do it. The peace and quiet of them not talking to me for a few days would be nice...but it would get old.

Justawallflower said...

Um, can I join you guys for dinner and drinks? Cause that absolutely sounds better than black friday shopping! I'll bring the rat poison!

Kyla said...

Great laughs. Thanks! Needed it.

Shug in Boots said...

I HATE "Black Friday". Ugh! All my lady inlaws get together and plan these sick midnight trips, to WALMART and then get up the next day and do more of that shiz. I think it's all nutso as hell.

Barbara said...

Only in Draz Land.. Love YOU!!!

FitBy40 said...

Don't hate, but hubby and I make Black Friday a date! We scope out the ads and hit the stores at 4am. We limit it to 3 stores only, and we're usually back home before the kids are even awake! I used to make him take me out for a bagel after our shopping, but I can't eat bread any more so this year it'll probably just be a cup of coffee.

Cat said...

I truly adore you.
I love that Banana is removing people's politics.
I have never heard of nipple vaseline for runners.
I have shopped exactly once on Black Friday and regretted it and have never ever done it again. The sales aren't even that amazing. It was a freaking waste of time and good sleeping opportunity. They have plenty of other sales throughout the season. Besides, I do 90% of my shopping online. Yep. I love online shopping. I know you understand this. /nod

*hearts*

feelinggoodinsideandout said...

Between combs and curling irons you could run a beauty parlor
(fyi, it's me, Laurie, over at wordpress, in case you are confused)

MandaPanda said...

This post made my morning. A couple thoughts... I'm pretty sure the nipple comment, regardless of context, could wind up a case for HR. Just sayin'. Your daughter cracks me up! And I'd rather gouge my eyes out with a stolen pen that doesn't work than go Black Friday shopping. Seriously.