Monday, November 7, 2011

P words plus bonus illustrations.

It's no secret that I have a severe allergic reaction to a lot of words that start with P.  The one that starts with P and ends with OOP is the one that causes nearly instant convulsions and sometimes foaming at the mouth.

I never used to have such issues.  When my kids were teeny tiny and pee, puke and poop were as normal as breathing - I never gagged.  I laughed in the face of poo.  I was a warrior of poop. 

No problems. 

Now?  Not so much.  I see, hear, or God forbid smell poop and I run.  Like I'm being chased by a tiger.

Sooo when I went to Chicago a fellow blogger got me a gift.  It's not funny.  Well, except that it is.

May I present to you a book that for the life of me - I cannot believe was written. 

Published. 

Illustrated.

And put on the market. 

It boggles my itsy bitsy mind.  I simply cannot deal.

The title?

"What's My Pee Telling Me?"....Overflowing with information about Pee, Poo, and Farts.

I'm not kidding people.  I mean really...would I make up something like that?  Could I? 

I think not. 

Let me show you some of the pictures - yes - I said pictures - in this book.  And the wordings.

Here we go.


Let's go to the inside!


Can you imagine when your manager calls you and says, "Hey....I've got a gig for you finally.  You've been asked to illustrate a shit book.  You've made it big.  You're gonna be famous.  Start drawing baby.  Oh and by the way...only use gray and black and white.  No color.  Poop books can't have color."



Oh, oh and let's not forget what was under "The Never-Ending Wipe Poo" title. 
It says (and I quote)....Synonyms:  stickum stool, double-sided deuce, tar turd, TP Thief.

Honest to God - in all of my life I have never and hope to never ever hear anyone talk to me about their
"tar turds".  I will vomit.  I'm not gonna lie.

Oh you want to know the synonyms for this?  Okay - here you go. 
They are:  stealth bomber, silent but violent, and elephant in the room.

Wow.  Just wow.  Right? 
This is exactly why I don't ever put flowers on the back of the toilet. 
Yes.  That's why.






I think not.
Movin' on.

This one was titled "The Explosion." 
Synonyms were: the bullhorn, air show, sonic boom, and rolling thunder.

I swear to God - with every flip of the page it just gets worse. 

Or better on the blogworthy scale I should say.

Thank you Miss Amey, Donut Butt -- for this book.

I can't tell you how many times both of my girls have picked up this book
and laughed hysterically at just the pictures. 

Precious I tell you. 

Precious.

20 comments:

Jessica said...

hahahaahahah that is some funny but scarey shit!

Miss April said...

A girl at my former agency earned the nickname 'Poocano' because when she went into the bathroom, it was definitely an eruption.

Lucy said...

I'm sooo glad you posted this! It will make a lovely gift for my sister in law. :-)

Andrea said...

OMG...that is hilarious and disgusting all at the same time!!

vickyd said...

OMG...I'm crying...seriously!!

Kelly said...

Oh my. I simply do not have the words.

Vanessa @ Gourmet Runner said...

I laughed about the illustrator - do you think he puts this book on his resume? "Skills? Can draw poop-related pictures!"

Ice Queen said...

Patrick is gassy. Has been all his life. He can stink up a 50,000 sq. ft. warehouse in one good blast. Imagine sharing a tiny condo with that kind of firepower.

Am I the only one grossed out by a bouquet of flowers on the back of the toilet?

Chubby McGee said...

Ahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!

Karen Butler Ogle said...

OMG. Dail would completely love this. I have to get him this for Christmas. Ask your friend where she got it. I don't think I will read it though. Tar poop is not amusing to me. :)

Amanda said...

I have no words!!!!

haha

Rachellabelle said...

*Clutching my stomach laughing.* That is too hilarious. As a writer, or an illustrator, I would consider that a career low.

Sarah from Onmyweightohappiness said...

LOL too funny, for real that is a book someone published? my oh my!

Ronnie said...

LOL, wow! That's an awesome gift. :)

Beth Ann said...

That is insane in such a good way.

MrsFatass said...

I totally just dealt with Tar Turd. For reals. I can't believe I just told you that, but it's true.

I just grossed myself out.

Joia said...

Wow...that's just...unfortunate.

Joanna said...

Oh, I'm totally looking looking this one up. I just have to think of people I would love to give this to for Christmas. Best. Gag. Gift. EVER!!

Sam said...

It really is shocking what can actually get published. LOL, but it is hilarious!!!!!

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

Farts have always made me giggle, even as a kid. however, I draw the line at farting at the dinner table and in a closed car. Pisses me off!