Thursday, December 15, 2011

Common with a side order of severe.

Watch out…the sh!t is gonna get even crazier up in here. I have literal, medicinal proof.
You can no longer blame the crap I say and do on my personality.

It is thy drugs. I know not what I do.

After another migraine that has lasted 4 days AGAIN – I am trying a new preventive medication. Because I’m such a research freak, even though I know it’s quite dangerous and I shouldn’t do it – I looked up the SIDE EFFECTS of my new drug on the web.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph’s balls. Now I’d rather have my head sewn to teal shag carpeting in a frat house than experience ANY of these things.

Let’s go through the list of things that could happen to me while on these meds, shall we?

These are the COMMON, non-severe possible side effects of:

Clumsiness (f*ck a duck – cuz I’m seriously so graceful as it is)

Constipation – no we cannot discuss this – because it has to do with poop

Diarrhea – again – no discussey for us…except that I have to say aren’t constipation and diarrhea the OPPOSITE of each other? Will I alternate days? Should I wear a diaper or not? Will I have both at once? Oh wait – that’s not right.

Dizziness – no – you are not allowed to comment on this one

Drowsiness – as opposed to my falling asleep at my desk every day now – I can’t wait for this to get worse

Dry mouth – no problemo – Mountain Dew can fix this!

Nausea – again – not a big deal – I deal with this every time I see Explosive Man on his way to the bathroom

Stomach upset – again – see Explosive Man

Tiredness – oh shit – you mean like tiredness PLUS the drowsiness from above? It’s okay – I’ve learned to drive while I sleep. No worries.

Gas – for f*ck’s sake – I can’t do this. Honestly.

Vomiting – honestly – I hope I have the vomiting and the gas at the same time. Wouldn’t that be pleasant? Then again, with all this shitting and non-shitting going on – I’ll be vomiting anyway.

Weight gain – WHAT? SON OF A BITCH!!!! Who’s the mo fo who left out THIS little tidbit? Now I’m going to get FATTER? And it won’t even be my fault or the 50,000 Skittles I eat? I swear – if I’m going to gain weight – it better be because I CHOSE to eat my weight in sugar and pizza. And it’s probably not FAT anyway – if I’m constipated the weight gain is just toxic waste buildup. Once the diarrhea and gas kick in – I’ll be A-OK, right?

This sucks dried up monkey balls topped with whip cream.

Oh, oh wait! There’s more. Remember? The things listed above were common and not severe enough for a person to seek medical attention.

Below is the list that says: Seek medical attention right away if any of these SEVERE side effects occur when using our capsules:

(Who the hell said diarrhea wasn’t severe – especially mixed with tired and dizzy? What if I’m too dizzy to run to the bathroom and I shit myself? That’s a damn emergency if you ask me.)

Here’s the SEVERE list:

Severe allergic reactions (rash; hives (haha – every day baby, every day); itching; difficulty breathing; tightness in the chest; swelling of the mouth, face, lips (who needs Botox injections after all?), or tongue; unusual hoarseness (hmmm…I experience this now. It may or may not be due to yelling at my spawn of Satan children); abnormal thoughts (you mean like naming my inner demons and fat and creating an entire blog out of them? that abnormal enough for you?); back and forth eye movements (I’m confused – aren’t our eyes SUPPOSED to go back and forth?); behavioral problems; change in school performance; chest pain; confusion (listen – I’m confused 24/7 – I don’t think it can get worse); fainting; fast, slow, or irregular heartbeat; fever, chills, or sore throat; hyperactivity; loss of coordination; memory loss (this sounds appealing…I’d like to forget Drazil); new or worsening mental or mood changes (OMG – you mean my mood can get worse???) (eg, depression, agitation, anxiety, panic attacks, aggressiveness, impulsiveness, irritability, hostility (already there I’m afraid – have I mentioned I’m a little “hostile” about Explosive Man yet?), exaggerated feeling of well-being (Wait – this is a side effect? I’ve been seeking this for years!), restlessness, inability to sit still; new or worsening seizures; numbness of an arm or leg; one-sided weakness; severe or persistent headache or dizziness; shortness of breath; speech changes or trouble speaking; suicidal thoughts or actions; swelling of the hands, legs, or feet; tremor; trouble concentrating; twitching; vision changes (eg, double or blurred vision).

Holy Jingle Farts, right?

I love how they put swelling of the mouth, face and lips way up top and then way at the bottom they mention your hands, legs, and feet can swell too. Apparently the only thing that won’t swell is my titties….and I was kinda hoping for that. Well, at least my vagina is safe though. I’m pretty sure I can live without ever experiencing a swelled hoo-ha.

Whew! All done. Or maybe not. The next line says this:

This is not a complete list of all side effects that may occur.

How can there possibly be any more besides maybe death?

Ugh. Well that’s just f*cking peachy. I don’t understand why we don’t cut my head off now. It seems like a better alternative.

That’s it. I’m now off to look at what the street value of these meds is….cuz instead of taking them and risk looking and sounding like a living Cabbage Patch kid on meth who hasn’t slept or pooped in years….Ima gonna sell them.

It’s the ONLY logical thing to do, don’t you think?

Hmmm….unless I’m the lucky one and the only side effect that I get is that “exaggerated feeling of well-being” that they mentioned?

What do you think my chances are?


Maren said...

Hard to tell before you try. ;) The side effects list can be pretty crazy, but I usually don't notice any of it!

MandaPanda said...

When will you learn not to look up the side effects? Seriously...they have to report ANYTHING ANYONE might have blamed on this drug. Exaggerated feeling of well being??? I mean...really? How do they know this? I say take your may be one of the lucky ones.

FitBy40 said...

Gotta' love google!

Caron said...

I listen to all those side effects when they are advertising meds. More and more it seems the last thing mentioned (in a very quiet voice) is "sometimes death." As if that's okay as a side effect! Ugh.

Kelly said...

"And in some cases, even death." Yeah, ok, because THAT'S a side effect people can recover from, right?
P.S. Have you tried Imitrex? I've heard that's good. I don't ever get migraines though, so I can't tell you for sure.

Amanda Kiska said...

Jeez! Let's hope you get the good ones!

Jessica said...

Wow thats crazy... Hope you feel better soon... with or without the meds.

mommykinz said...

I feel for you!! Have you tried magnesium supplements? Honest to goodness it helps I never would have believed it if I hadn't just tried it on my 2wks of migraine hell. Can't wait for your migraine prevention post, after one psycho reaction to my Meds I am right ready to avoid these again ...oh ho but it's my time of the month so mother nature is going to screw with my hormones and my head. Shit balls. I feel for you. Hang in there hope it works

Cat said...

Oh my gosh honey...I adore you and your writing style I have to say that. I loved how you called your kids spawn of satan...our precious little Watermelon and Banana cannot possibly be Satan's spawn right??

Here's to wishing you a migraine free holiday season and well into the new year darlin!

Stephanie said...

Screw that...Forget preventative and just get a prescription for some serious pain killers to take when you get them and then just veg out. I hate it when i get migraines and I am getting with a new GP and have high hopes that he will give me something to have on hand when they do hit me! Best luck to you, honey, constipation, dihareeha and all!!!

Jennifer said... might not have ANY of those side effects. One can hope right??? Medicine is such a love/hate thing. Like all these people who took these meds for this or that and now they are all showing up on the Tv "if you or a loved one took ___________(fill in the med), then call the law offices of ____&_____(its always a team right?)" Yet, if you DONT try these medicines then you risk all the crap that comes along with whatever the sickness is that they are trying to treat. Dont get me going. The medical field is not my favorite thing...

But if it makes you feel any better just check out the side effects on a simple bottle of asprin. Just as scary. Everyone is different. If you try it and hate it then come off. If it works and there are no or few side effects then awesome!!!

Fingers crossed for ya. Hang in there girl.


Barbara said...

Ok drag baby. You are in my territory now cause creating that scare lust of side effects is what I do for a living. Keep in mind the source of those side effects come from clinical trials of thousands of people who are on other drugs so some may be a result of drug combinations. And if enough people have a side effect of a fart smelling bad and report that it goes in the package insert Focus on the top 3. They are the prevailing effects and are cautionary. Please report any side effects to your doctor. Hugs

Sam said...

You could be like me and never experience ant of the side effect :o) or have I just jinxed myself bug time....

Laura Belle said...

I was reading this last night right before I went to bed and I was freaking snorting! Ryan thought that I'd lost it for sure!

Why can't side effects be like.....'Unexplained weight loss, muscle building tendencies, you get to be a genius, money will just be thrown at you.'

I don't know. That's what'd I want for side effects.

Elisabeth Hirsch said...

I LOVE your blog! You are HYSTERICAL :)

I hope you get feeling better ;)

trisha said...

I ONCE read the side-effects list from a drug I was taking and let me tell you ONCE was enough for me!! LOL Slap a lil butter on it - that helps everything! =D

Angelia said...

I agree with Laura Belle. Why can't there be a "weight loss" side effect. Or how about a "sudden urge to do laundry" side effect. SOMETHING helpful at least!

Joanna said...

This is why I don't take any form of medication. The side effects are usually worse than what I'm originally dealing with.

I remember a while back a prescription allergy pill I was given. Now, my seasonal allergies are BAD - but when I read that the possible side effects were everything from vomiting, feeling dizzy, double vision, headaches, and diarrhea (minor) to fainting, low blood sugar, and seizures (severe) I figured I'd just stick with a nose that constantly runs, eyes that are so swollen that I can barely see out of them, and a tightness in my chest. That list of problems was much shorter.

mommykinz said...

Still in migraine hell here. The pain is gone but the pressure is 2 wks constant!!! Hoping to hear your preventative meds work well, I need some good news on the migraine front. PM with if you will with the names of stuff you've used.

Jess said...

Google queens, you and I....I feel for you thought. I have had some jacked up headaches and I can't imagine yours. You poor thing.