Thursday, December 1, 2011

I owe you my inner peace.

Someone should make up a new name for the mental disorder I have. It’s a doozy. For realz. I’m not sure any doctor or therapist on this Earth could diagnose it yet I’m pretty sure more than 99% of the people I know – have it too.

I always say Drazil is my inner demon who lives in my head and on my shoulder but really? Let’s be honest. He’s just the damn ringleader of all the demons. He’s the corral master. He’s the Jesus of lizards with his “Come, come, we have room at the inn. Bring us your tired and your lame and your crazy. “

God, I hate him. Almost as much as I hate small teenage boys who weigh 80 pounds that wear jeans that could fit a small horse so ALL of their underwear can show.

You see, the little record in my head plays the same song over and over. It’s a terrible, nasty song with absolutely no beat to it. It’s played since I was a little girl. It goes something like this:

You aren’t worthy of real love and support. You don’t matter. What you feel is stupid. No one wants to hear how you feel. How you feel is mean and selfish. No one cares that you are still hurt over things that happened 20 years ago. Why don’t you just get over it? You’re too sensitive. You’re not good enough. Avoid conflict at all costs. Smooth things over. Pretend everything is fine. Never show sadness or fear or anger – because no one cares if you feel it anyway. You have to deal with things on your own. You are nonexistent. You’re on your own. Shove what you feel down. Deny, deny, deny. Hide. Build the wall of China around yourself. Trust no one – not even yourself. Everyone will leave you. No one will stay. You have to change if you want someone to love you. You just don’t matter.

It’s not a good song to hear. Wouldn’t even make the top 10 ten songs of all time even if Satan was choosing the list.

Only two people in my entire life have sat me down in one way or another and literally told me the exact opposite of the words that song plays. It took me nearly 15 years to believe the one.

And today I’m making the choice to believe the other one.

Things simply cannot change if I don’t say out loud what I want to change.

People cannot be a bigger part of my life if they don’t even know I feel like they are missing.

People cannot say I’m sorry if they never know they hurt me.

People cannot be given the opportunity to heal me if I pretend like I have no scars.

They cannot put a bandaid on me if they can’t see a wound.

They cannot love me like I say I so desperately want if I refuse to come out from behind the wall.

I cannot possibly gain anything if I don’t face the risk of losing it all.

I cannot deal with the pain of the past if I pretend it doesn’t still affect me every single day.

I’ll be brought to my knees over and over if I don’t finally get up and find the strength to stand up for myself.

My feelings cannot be valid if I refuse to allow myself to feel them.

If I don’t trust my own heart enough to see this through…then I’ll never heal.

If I can’t put my whole soul in the hands of another then I’ll live with this void the rest of my life and a part of me will forever be empty.

Living in the pain of the past is killing me in the present and projecting nothing but a bleak, pain-filled future.

My pain has a voice.

Currently that pain talks in the way of spending too much on things to fill a void, migraines, stress, desperation at my core and even weight gain. Frankly, I’m sick of listening to “that” voice.

I’ve got a better one in mind. It is mine. The one that comes from inside of me. The one you can see in my eyes when the tears start to flow. The one that cracks when the words I need to speak become too hard to try to say. The one that is crying out, “Please – listen…I can’t go on like this.” The one that says, “You might not like what I have to say but I have to say it anyway.”

The one that says, “I am worth this voice. I matter. I am here. You cannot pretend I’m not in pain or that you haven’t killed a part of me in the past.”

The voice that will finally say what I need to say to people who need to hear it…is embodied by a spirit that finally believes what only TWO people have been telling me for years.

To Rambo and Jenny….I owe you my inner peace. And probably my life.

My voice says to you today….”Thank you.”


Jen said...

This part of you goes right to my heart and takes my breath away. Happy sighs.

vickyd said...

I really don't know what to say other than you are lucky to have Rambo and Jenny in your life...we all need people like them in our lives. (((HUGS)))

Ms. M said...

You don't even know how much this post speaks to me. How that song is the same song in my head. I'm glad that you have Rambo and Jenny... and that you are choosing to believe both of them. You are a lucky girl to have them AND they are lucky to have you. <3

Amanda said...

What is scary Draz is that most people can identify with some of the things you feel about yourself. Maybe not all the time but we all have these inner demons. I find that most of the time I am good. Today I am not...But what you do need to know is that you are good. You have learned to cope with lots of negative "things" in your life and you do have a great little family. Perfect..nah but who wants perfect anyway. I love you just the way you are and if no one else can see that...screw em.

Annie said...

The shit in our head is super scary, but you are so ahead of the game in recognizing the insanity of it. You are amazing. Jenny and Rambo and amazing.

Janis said...

Yes yes and yes. For me, it was watching my life's ambition pretty much ripped apart slowly while the person who was supposed to care and give a half a shit pretty much only cared that it meant I wasn't in the mood for sex. And it's not something you don't have to deal with if you are thin -- I'm saying this from the balmy paradise of size-2-land, that the only solution I found was to just not let any of the damn things in my life, because their whole attitude is just let me fuck you and keep your shit out of my way in the meantime. Yes, it hurts to keep it all inside, but the only thing that hurts worse is to have someone who is supposed to care watch, do nothing, and then pout because it means I'm not "in the mood," followed by an implication that I'm weak because "you shouldn't care so much what I think."

Laura Belle said...

Wow. There are no words. But I'm so proud of you honey. You're standing up for yourself and taking action. You're pushing your demons aside and living YOUR life the way you want to live it. Keep kickin' ass this way! I promise, it'll get easier.

Leanne said...

Amen! I find it exhausting being me, or alive, a lot of times, but it's the 1 or 2 people who consistently show me love and understanding and patience that have saved me over and over again... I am so happy you have people like Rambo and Jenny, they are so precious.

Cat said...

I understand exactly that song that you have in your head. I even have the tune for it. Mine has a lot of the same lyrics though and I hate that song even though I can rarely turn it off. In some ways I'm the opposite of you, I turn on the clown and try to be funny in every circumstance in order to get people laughing with me before they can realize that the fat girl should be laughed at. I adore you for silencing that song and letting the people in who you need most to know the true you. Dropping the mask we wear for the world is a hard thing. So glad for you that you have Rambo and Jen. *hearts with Anti-Drazil sparkles*

Mrs. Pancakes said...

isn't it fanstastic when we have people in our lives that ground us the way they day at a time!!

terbear287 said...

You are amazing.

terbear287 said...

oh and the gold fish is still swimming. Crazy little bugger. 1 in a hundred must be survivors.

Maren said...

Having people in our lives that makes everything right is a true blessing.

Joanna said...

I've kinda been in the lurking section of the gallery the past couple of days - just because...well, you know how I am. You know how much I want to tell you that I care and that I'm thinking about you... but I'm just not good at putting it in to words. See, even know it sounds more like a teenage love note.

Anyway - I'm so glad that you have Rambo and Jen. And I loves ya lots. That is all.

Miz said...

you are awesome.


Miss Banana Pants said...

I'm a new follower! I love your blog! Sooo funny!!

Beth Ann said...

Like. :)