Monday, December 12, 2011

It's been a while since I confessed my sins to the Almighty Father!

...or a priest for that matter.  Ima gonna do it here instead. 
Blogs are very confessionally (totally made that word up, thank you very much) feeling, don't you think?

Here we go!

* I confess that I absolutely suck at being a mother sometimes.  For instance, I made INSTANT mashed potatoes yesterday (yes, instant...I ain't Betty Crocker) and Watermelon, the 11 year old hated them. 
Yours truly went off into a tirade that sounded like this:

Um, yes...pretty sure she has NO idea who Ethiopians are or where Ethiopia is. 
Nice.  Great parenting.  Just great.
I mean you'd think I spent an entire day peeling and mashing potatoes or something.

* I bribed my 6 year old, Banana, into taking a bath by telling her she could take her Barbies in with her...just so I could have quickie "dessert" with Rambo.  I am officially a trollop.

* I have to have a fight with my sister because she hates Rambo. 
I cannot deal because I am the QUEEN of avoiding conflict.  
I'd rather be married to Osama than have this discussion.
Can you imagine? 

*  Poop is one of my most hated things on this Earth.  I make no bones about that.  And because Karma hates me and because I stomp on small bunnies when I'm mad - as a sick form of revenge - my life revolves around poop more and more every day.  This is evidenced by the fact that Rambo just got another job - his 4th - hauling pigs!  Really?  Does anything on this planet smell worse than pig shit?  I mean really? 

Must. Stop.  Stomping. On. Small. Bunnies.

*  Watermelon had 6 girls overnight here for her birthday Friday. 
By Saturday at 10am she whispered to me:

Her hands were nearly twitching to go in and clean her room so it would be back to her standards. 
Shit.  Shit.  Shit.  She is a mini-me OCD diva.  What have I done?
I mean what child EVER wants their FIVE friends to leave??  *sigh*

*  Life is NOT okay unless I have long, acrylic nails.  Listen, I tried life without them and every day something feels off.  Like when you have a run in your nylons or your entire head of hair is curled except one piece.  Yes, just like that.  Do not fret.  I shall remedy this immediately.

*  I'm so going to hell.  Not a huge surprise I know. 
This time it's because I'm straight up evil - like the spawn of Satan
Rambo's parents have been on vacation for almost 9 days. 
Fun for them and bliss for me because that means 9 days without the phone ringing 16x a day. 

Soooo - they returned yesterday.  The phone rang 26 billion times.  I did not answer one time. 
I pretended to be gone. 
And then? 

I topped it off by lying when I finally answered the NEXT day by saying I was totally gone shopping and therefore, never heard her even call the day before. 
(this lying and avoiding could be another reason that Karma hates me and taunts me with poop daily)

* I confess that I have proof that I am not completely cold and heartless, nor void of emotion. 

Here is why:

I cried at a freaking Folgers coffee commercial.

Yup - there you have it.  Proof indeed. 
Take that all of you people who thought the only thing I could feel was pissed off and annoyed.
I blame Christmas.

I fart gumdrops (and look hot doing it, thank you) AND cry at commercials.

It's all part of my evil plan to make you love more me than Skittle baths.

Is it working?


MizFit said...

OMGOSH I do love you more than bathing in a tub of the candy corns.

and yeah.
hauling pigs mightcould be stinky BUT what's better blog fodder than pig hauling?!


Barbara said...

OMG... I loved this.. you made me piss my pants laughing.. thanks I NEEDED that!!

Maren said...

This made me giggle out loud so many times :D

FitBy40 said...

Long ago I diagnosed myself with what I like to call "Avoidant Personality Disorder" because I can't stand conflict! I could never be a boss because I could never fire a person or confront them on their behavior!
And, how could anyone hate Rambo? I love that man and have never met him. Well, maybe that's why I can love him so easily :-)

terbear287 said...

yes yes it is, I love you more than skittle baths!

Amanda Kiska said...

Love this!

Michelle said...

I'm going to hell too. We can hang out. The "dessert" comment is HILARIOUS.

Lucy said...

You are just way to hard on yourself... You think letting Banana take her dolls in the tub is bad.. HA me and Sugar Balls have "dessert" in my oldest son's room because he sleeps in ours and we got tired of the couch. Can you image the therapy he will need if he ever find out about mommy and daddy knocking boots in his twin zoo animal covered bed. You are far from evil. I think you are great!

Kelly said...

Awesome! Stomp on small bunnies. That's just great - can't stop laughing now. =)

Sam said...

Works for me :o)

Joanna said...

If everyone's confessions were as awesome as this I'd totally become a priest. Wait. Am I going to hell for even joking about that? I hope not.. not that I have to worry, I'm pretty sure I'm going anyway.

We'll be there together!! LOL

Ronnie said...

Oh girlfriend... you should have heard Dawnya and I talking to our kids this weekend. You WOULD be crowned the mother of the year if it was between us three at least. Eek!

Also, I don't blame Watermelon wanting her friends to be gone... I love when friends come to visit, but I'm always ecstatic when they go.

Stace said...


Laura Belle said...

I confess that I love you more than skittle baths AND chocolate covered grizzly bear balls!!!

I also confess that I got a new phone and completely ignored my husband for 5 hours last night just to play. Save me a seat next to Satan!

Love you!

Jessica said...

LOL I wish my mom was as cool as you!