Thursday, December 22, 2011

My bathroom excursion....into hell.

I know that a ton of women blog about the big TOM. That’s “Time Of Month” for you male followers out there. Also, for your “male virgin ears” - I’m gonna try to make this as nice a post as possible…so bear with me.

I don’t blog about TOM because well, mine is short and sweet. Like 24 hours, one “feminine napkin” short and sweet.

For real – feminine napkin? Who called it that? Are there no masculine napkins? And it always feels more like 16 towels wadded up instead of one dainty “feminine napkin” anyway. False advertising at its best.

Kind of like “here – we made tampons in these pretty colored packages so no one knows it’s a tampon” – except the whole world who saw this commercial – you idiots. WTF?

Moving on.

Today – as payback for having a short and sweet TOM – I was rewarded with a bathroom debacle of epic proportions.

Let’s begin.

Remember not to laugh – your job is to feel my pain.

Let me preface this by saying Explosive Man has already been to the bathroom 4 times so I swore to myself I would shove a cork up my vagina before I’d go in there today.

And then this happened:

I am having a conversation with a lovely woman. I laugh. Harder than I thought because a sort of mini volcano happened in my pants. Like warmth at the top of my hoo-hah – not where you would except warmth if something was leaking but I was “sitting” so “things” bubbled up to the top I suppose.

Have you vomited yet?  I did.
I try to keep talking and not scream, “GET OUT OF MY WAY – I’m going to erupt!”

I go to the pit of stank bathroom and brace myself for what I’ll find. In my own pants.

I lay the tampon I assume I’ll have to use on top of the TP dispenser.

So yah, duh – TOM is here.

Here in me. Here on my little pantyliner – but only on the tippity top of the liner. Here on my WHITE lace underwear. Here on my black leggings. The motherf*cker is here. I get it.

I pee, flush, and then I go about fixing myself.

I waddle to the sink. I spread eagle, pants at my ankles and wash off my underwear. It’s just one spot. I can handle this.  Martha Stewart would be so proud.

I keep standing and move onto cleaning the leggings. Thinner than air brown paper towels are so great for cleaning such things. Not.

I figure when I’m done with that - you know – I should just try cleaning the very top of my pantyliner off cuz – ACK – I don’t want to put it back on like it is now but then again it’s just the tip so I’d be wasting a perfectly good liner. (seriously – it’s value is probably 10 cents. Call me frugal. Or stupid).

I’m feeling brave and very self-sufficient and McGyver-ish so I take my trusty brown paper towel and I start to clean the pantyliner edge and accidentally my brown paper towel gets stuck to the back of my liner.

Um, cuz it’s sticky. Shit…so I have to carefully try to rip the paper thin paper towel off my VERY sticky liner. All while my pants are at my ankles.

I am the picture of professionalism.

I get most of the paper off. Whew!

Okay – sooo – put liner back in underwear. Um sure – the stickiness is way less now that I stuck brown paper to it and my underwear are wet. How will it stick?

I try to make it stay in place for 30 seconds before I throw it away and STEAL someone else’s “feminine napkin” from the cupboard in this TOM emergency. It is the size of an airplane landing strip – so I figure it’ll stick.

It does. I am now pulling up my pants and my socks and am all put together when I look over and see the effing tampon on the TP dispenser.

JESUS. Did we or did we not establish that TOM is here? You must do something about that. A liner the size of Texas ain’t gonna cut it. Like use the tampon you brought specifically for this!!!!

I undress again. As I take down my underwear I hear ripping type noise. Like something came unstuck.

Like the f*cking STOLEN liner. I dive for it as it seems to be flailing everywhere but where it should be and if I lose it in the toilet Ima gonna have a pyschotic breakdown.

I catch the mini maxi pad. I sit down on the toilet – and of course – whenever you sit down even if you just peed something in your brain makes your vagina think simply because you are on a toilet you must pee again – even if it’s only a drop.

I fear I may have to flush again if I pee again and then everyone will think I did a “double-flusher” and they’ll call me Mini-Explosive-WoMan.

I manage to hold it. I do not have to flush the toilet again. I put myself back together and take a deep breath. I almost exit before I realize I have nearly washed my entire body in the span of 10 minutes but I never did wash my hands.

Seriously. I cannot deal.

How long have I been in here? Is it tomorrow already?  It's like a time warp in here.

Maybe this is what Explosive Man spends so much time on. Maybe he is bathing in here….or something.

Suffice it to say I am out of that evil little room and I feel refreshed.

Like a new woman.

With wet pants.

And you people wonder why I hold it all damn day. Cuz when I dare venture into that hellhole THIS is what happens.

Okay, carry on my Skittles. My story is over. You may carry on.


Polar's Mom said...

Hey, at least you didn't shit yourself, as least (fresh) TOM doesn't smell like that!! Hey, I'm all about the silver lining... ;-)

Sheila said...

OMG, thank you for the laugh complete with tears today! I am so over TOM, like I'm done have kids can I just skip to menapause, pretty please???

Mary said...

I'm laughing so hard right now! I'm with Sheila, I'm so ready to be done with TOM!

Caron said...

Awwwwe goodness! Here's to the rest of the day being much better. I'm trying not to laugh as I don't want more bad Karma for not being sympathetic. :)

Ronnie said...

Sounds like a difficult trip to the john.

I hate TOM, he's a bastard.

Cat said...

I swear, blogger is like a sorority house. We all end up on the same cycle. I have mine too.

vickyd said...

I'm with Cat...mine is due tomorrow...jeez, what an awesome Christmas present...NOT!!

MandaPanda said...

I'd be laughing if I didn't know EXACTLY what you were going through. The difference? My work bathroom...has's not a unisex...all by yourself-you-can-lock-the-door-and-not-let-anyone-else-in bathroom. Ugh!

Laura Belle said...

I'm dying.

Yup, for sure dying.

Can't breathe.

Woops, just snorted.
I am indeed still among the living.
Barely. ;-)

Jessica said...

WOW... your stories always leave me speachless in tears...

terbear287 said...

holy canoli this is the 3rd blog post about TOM or George of whatever. I love it though. I think we have all been there. I know I had a bad one not to long ago that went through my pad, tampon, underwear, pants and ended up on my f*ing office chair. Ya it is light gray....totally beyond embarrassing.

Oh and I think you need to get some sound panels or something in that bathroom if everyone can hear a second flush (and they care)

Maren said...

Hahaha, fantastic! :D

RockBand Barbie said... glad I don't have to deal with those situations any more :)

Leigh C. said...

I don't know what to say except that my gut hurts from laughing:)

Dawnya said...

I so hate you right now. I just laughed so loud I woke up a kid. Thanks a lot!!!

But still hilarious!!

Kelly said...

Jesus hell. At least you didn't lose your vagina this time! Seriously laughing my arse off over here!

tz said...

you crack me up! thanks for the good laugh

Amy said...

I worked at Proctor and Gamble a loooong time ago and the bathrooms were stacked floor to ceiling with every brand of pad/tampon. We couldn't bring our purses to work, so they had to provide them. MOTHERLOAD!

Shug in Boots said...

About midway through this story, I just knew you were going to say, "And then mother effing Explosive Man opened the door! Damn, I thought it was locked!" Hahahaha.

Miz said...

checking back in on you on the FLIPSIDE of the holiday mayhem.

xo xo

Esther Cotton said...

Oh geez! LOL. I loved this. Just found your blog today... I saw that you followed & I was randomly checking out the blogs of her followers. I'm SO glad I found yours! I love your blog & your blog layout is awesome as well. :D