Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Sexual blunders...among other things.

Recently I’ve had some “interesting” conversations with some perverted, dirty, sex fiend friends of mine.

It is their fault I am writing this post.
Email me if you want their phone numbers so you can lecture them.
 I’ll give ‘em out like pez.

I’ve been making a list of sexual blunders, revolting bodily function stories and
other nasty situations I've been in - just so I can blog about them. 
Aren't you lucky?

I swear on all that is holy that these happened. Seriously – I wish they hadn’t.

If you think you can top my stories – well then – I dare you to blog about it.

Are you ready?  Here we go!
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•One time Rambo and I were sitting in the living room of his parent’s house back in high school.

His mother came in and said:


I died right there on the spot and Rambo said:



OMG – hell to the NO!

Who on the f*cking planet would answer yes to such a question?

In reality, we of course, blamed his older brother.

Besides – we only used blue ones.
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•In my second job out of college, I was managing the collections department for 7 medical clinics.

This job involved such things as trying to get a $1.00 copay out of a woman who came
in EVERY day to see her doctor, smoking a cigarette, and being assisted by her butler
while she insists to me 50 times that she doesn’t have $1.00.

 Or how about trying to set up a payment plan for thousands of dollars due with a 15 year old girl who just realized she is pregnant when all she really cares about is that her prom dress won’t fit now.

Pure joy every day I tell you.

I was working at one of the clinics, took a break outside and
found myself in front of the senior most person of the clinic.

I loved and respected this woman. Many others did not.
Apparently she loved me because she looked right at me – and said:


I almost threw up or pissed my pants or something. What should I say to that?
I’ve been here a month and you throw farts at me. WTF?

I mean honestly – imagine the top person at wherever you work saying such a thing to you.
It’s not funny anymore, is it?

I almost said the below...but I refrained.


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•Rambo took me to Homecoming a few times but this one time, after the dance was over,
we came back to my place. We were exhausted.
We just literally wanted to lay on the couch in the dark and remember the night for a few minutes.
We were laying there and I got hot (I had a sweater and tank under it) so I took off the sweater.

No biggie.



Rambo wasn’t really allowed to be in my house but who would ever know?
We were harmlessly just laying on the couch for a few minutes.

It’s time for him to go. He leaves. I put my sweater back on.
I walk upstairs and my mom greets me at the top of the steps.

She asks if I had fun and yadda yadda.
I say, “Yup” and that I’m tired and just got home and I’m going to bed.

I’ll never forget the odd look she gave me as I walked past her….in the semi-darkness.

Do you all remember shoulder pads? The sweater I had on – had HUGE ones.
I could have been a linebacker with those suckers.

I get in my room – turn on the light and step in front of my mirror to see my sweater on inside out – which means my shoulder pads are flipped up like two soup bowls high atop my shoulders – hanging out in the air – with all their stark whiteness against my mauve sweater.

I cannot imagine the things my mother must have thought I was doing.

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•One time a friend of mine took me out for supper.

On the way home, all of a sudden, she gasped and said, “Oh my, I just tooted!”
– as she proceeds to roll down the window.
It’s negative 40 degrees out and we’re driving down the road with the windows open
and I feel like I’m chewing on fart.

Seriously – this friend weighed about 100 lbs and I don’t know if I was more shocked
that something that toxic came out of her tiny ass or that she claimed it.

And she acted surprised – with the gasp and all. Whatever.
If it smells like THAT – it didn’t just “slip out”. She never missed a beat though.
She “tooted”, rolled down the window and kept on talking about her boyfriend.

I didn’t converse back with her.
Remember me – I’m the one with a mouthful of fart.
I’ll chat later.
If I live.
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•Little tip for those of you out there who may be using a whirlpool of your own or in a hotel room for the first time with your lover. Bubbles in a bath are NOT the same as bubbles in a whirlpool.


I love how there is a clear warning sign saying you shouldn’t get in it if you are pregnant or
you shouldn’t expect sperm to stay alive if you get in and all that crap.

But where the hell is the sign that says, “Do not pour bubbles in the whirlpool.”



So yah, I love bubble baths.
A whirlpool bubble bath can only be that much better than a regular bubble bath right?

Sure.

Rambo is in the bathroom. I’m in the whirlpool.
Sitting naked indian style, turning on the water while I dump in some major shampoo-age.
Rambo comes out and he gets in opposite of me.

I shit you not – within 5 minutes and maybe water only up to my ass crack – I cannot see Rambo.
The bubbles are nearly over my head.

Rambo is laughing so hard I’m afraid he’s going to split a nut and I’m freaking the hell out.

I think we broke it!

We spent the entire next hour using the ice bucket to scoop out buckets of bubbles from the whirlpool.
Butt ass naked.

It was supremely romantic.

And I took a shower. You cannot believe how pissed I was.
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•One time when I was getting my nails filled at a new place in town, I sat down to start my appointment.

A movie was on behind my Asian dude on a HUGE tv. It was starring Jean Claude Van Damme.

Fine. Good.

Another lady comes in about half-way through my appointment. We are watching the movie.

Then things got dicey.

Mr. JCVD is naked and he’s having his way with TWO women. Like reeeaalllly having his way.

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say it was even mild porn.

On a HUGE tv, remember?

Good if you’re alone. Not so good if you’re IN A BUSINESS.

I’m pretty sure I turned 18 shades of red. Not because I’ve never had sex with JCVD but again,
because Asian man is in the room with me and another perfect stranger. OMG.

She looked at me. I looked at her. We laughed and shook our heads in mortification.

And then we kept watching.
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•When I used to care about the backdrop to my “dessert-making” with Rambo,
I got the brilliant idea to make cards of instructions for Rambo that he’d see as he came in from work –
to spice up that day’s escapade if you will.

Like the first card would say – “follow these instructions – move on to card 2” and they’d be placed strategically for him….you know like a scavenger hunt of sorts.

Card #2 said take off your shoes only. Go to the stereo and follow card #3.

Here’s where Rambo f*cked up my beautiful plan of romantic angels coming down from heaven and all that.

Card #3 was at the stereo (back in cassette days) and it said, “Press play and get naked while you listen and proceed to the bedroom for card #4.”

Meanwhile I was back in the bedroom, waiting….to hear “our song” blaring at any minute.
I mean he HAD to be at card #3 already.

Next thing I know Rambo is in the room with me……um…cuz I’m card #4.

What the holy hell is going on? Can’t you read? Didn’t card #3 say to PRESS PLAY?
I didn’t hear any music!! Didn’t you hear a song?

At this point Rambo says, “I pressed play and got naked. Then I hit stop and came in here.”

I said, “Yah, but didn’t you play the song?”

It is at this moment that I realize Rambo – SuperFastUndresserMan – had stripped so fast that literally not one note of the song had time to play before he hit STOP and came vaulting into the bedroom.

Epic fail. Jesus H. Christ.

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•You know that whole scarred for life if you see your parents having sex thing?
Well…. I don’t know about scarred but humiliated beyond belief pretty much covers it too.
For my sister anyway.

Let’s just say my parents are too dumb to shut their door.
They think their kids sleep through everything.

I’m here to say – we don’t.

And they are loud.
And they make some noises that could be misconstrued as a person in pain or hurt.

Especially when you are a kid – just two rooms away – who has no idea what the hell is going on.

So my sister gets up – goes in their room and literally looks at them and says,
“Mom, what’s wrong with you. Are you alright?” before they notice she is there.

This is exactly the same moment my very naïve sister realizes what she just witnessed –
so she BOLTS out of the room.

Yes, yes. Say it with me.
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!

It took my sister a looong time to get the words out to me describing the horror of what had happened
and we’ve never spoken of it again.

Where’s the puke bucket?
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•By the way, where do you hide your “toys”? I mean, if you have them.
How about in a Corningware dishes box?
On the outside is a picture of a beautiful glass bowl and someone’s
pretty manicured hands cracking eggs into them.
Cookies they are a’making – with all those nice Pyrex measuring cups that are in the box.

Wait?!  What?!
You mean the only thing in the box is Playboy magazines and
 things you found abandoned in your perverted older brother’s house?

Yes, dumbass, the duct tape sealing the box should have been your first clue
that there wasn’t any damn dishes in there.

Morale of the story is: never ever ask all of your relatives to help you move from one house
to another until AFTER you have securely moved the Corningware PORN box yourself.
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•One day when I picked up Banana from daycare, the sitter pulled me aside and said she needed to tell me something…..just as Banana comes running up to me saying,

“ Beverly cut my nuts off!”

Hmmm? Excuse me?

Beverly cut my nuts off just for me!
And she repeats this 15 dozen times.

Watermelon can’t stop laughing. Which is what started all of this.

Apparently, the girls were eating ice cream drumsticks. The ones that are covered in nuts.

Banana didn’t want the nuts so she said, “ Beverly , can you cut my nuts off?”

To which of course, Watermelon busted a gut thereby teaching Banana that what she had said about nuts was WAY funny so she should repeat it any chance she could get.

Beverly “scraped” the nuts off the treat for Banana….but it was too late.

For hours she had been saying,
 “ Beverly cut my nuts off! Beverly cut my nuts off!”

Miss Beverly – wanted to bury her head in sand. I thought it was funny.

I’m pretty sure that’s wrong, isn’t it?
***********************************************************
•Lastly I leave you with a little parenting tip of what not to do to ensure your daughter doesn’t turn into a slut.

Do not tell your daughter that ONLY prostitutes and full-fledged whores perform certain acts such as those things that rhyme with the word snowgob in an all out effort to convince her that she should never do such vile things – hoping she will never want to BE a prostitute or whore.

Because then when your younger sister inevitably takes part in this act and believes she is now a woman who needs to stand on the street corner and get paid money – the older sister (that’d be me) has to burst her bubble and tell her that the "snowgob" is a pretty common occurrence.

And when she says,
“Yah, but Mom has never done that!”
…you have to further burst her little bubble and say,

“How do you think she got Dad to buy her that car then?”

Oh the precious, precious look on her face.

And yes – you can bet I told my mother her plan backfired. She deserved it.
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And lastly lastly lastly, while I was typing this I got an email in my inbox.
I swear on my left boobie. The timing is kinda creepy considering the stuff I’ve been writing.

This is what it said on the inside:

Oh! I’m so excited! I have just sex like at first time!
And then there was a link attached.

Really?
If you’re going to scam me into clicking on your links – could you use proper grammar?
Does this ever really work on anyone?

And then I just happened to be news browsing a few seconds later and look what I found.

A news article with this headline:

Unsafe Sex More Likely After Drinking, Study Confirms

I want to know who the idiot is who did this study?

More importantly, did my tax dollars pay for this?

I mean it’s quite shocking isn’t it? Who knew?

Jesus balls, people. I cannot deal.
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There you have it.  That's it. 

Twisted, isn't it?

Can you top it? 

Well, can ya?

15 comments:

Jamie said...

Omg. Hilarious.

Sheila said...

Thank you for making me laugh today! I'm your newest follower...looking forward to reading more!

Stephanie said...

My senior year in high school (winter, 1989)I was at my best friends house for a party and her parents were out of town and I came out of her parents bedroom (where my usual hook-up dude was with me) and sure as shit, my sweater was inside out too and those big ass 80's shoulder pads were these inverted "v" things. My friends busted their ass laughing. We were all drunk though.

I fell asleep in the middle of oral sex on my wedding night. Lots of alcohol, a very LONG and tiring day and the fact that I was VERY relaxed at the moment and yes, I fell asleep while dear hubby was doing his thing. He took it as a compliment that I was so relaxed.

Maren said...

I have to share my worst.. I was having sex with my boyfriend at the time ... on his parents WHITE couch. Somehow he tore that string on the head of the penis... and there was blood *everywhere*. I got dressed and left in panic (after he said he was fine) .. few days later I meet his mother at the shop and she says to me "Honestly, you could hold back if you have your period......"... Bastard blamed me.

terbear287 said...

Worse than hearing and or knowing your parents are having sex. When you hear your mom and new step-dad!!!! it stills makes me gag!

Karen Butler Ogle said...

Thanks for the laughs and smiles. I really needed them today. :)

Dawnya said...

Oh my virgin eyes!! I can not deal. LOL

bbubblyb said...

Boy that was a good laugh thanks :)

Lucy said...

haaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Ronnie said...

Good lord, I needed the laughs. I loved the "I'm the one chewing on fart!"

Jessica said...

A much needed laugh after a long day!! LMAO thank you!

MandaPanda said...

Laughed out loud here in my office at these! Too funny!

Amanda Kiska said...

Too funny!

tz said...

at least you wore condoms....I was subbing in a high school nurse's office and had to time contractions for a 10th grader....Seriously who knew I had to be up on my OB when I became a school nurse? Funny funny blog, btw.

Miss April said...

High school. First time. His parents couch, his Dad came home early from work. We had enough time to dress, but I could not find my panties anywhere. I left without them. He took me home and he went back and looked for them, never to be seen again. I imagine his parents found them and just never wanted to tell or ask us about it. I could never look them in the eye after that.