Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Top 10 gifts to never buy for the woman in your life

A man recently asked me – seriously – what he should get his wife for Christmas. In my opinion, that’s probably mistake #1. Now I know this guy doesn’t have a brain or a romantic, spontaneous bone in his body so I’ve already labeled him an idiot before we get started.

But because I’m ever the helpful one, I decided to share my list of things a woman may or may not want for Christmas with him. A list of things considered okay and just plain not okay if you will.

According to me. Just opinions I swear. Some clearly ONLY apply to me. Do not pitchfork me in my sleep if you disagree.

1. Socks. Now I know – many of you are thinking – what’s wrong with socks? Hmmm…I don’t know. They are impersonal. I can buy them for MYSELF. They have no meaning. They go on my feet – which really come on – they ARE feet. The ONLY time socks are okay is if there are diamonds inside the sock. Then they are acceptable.

2. A dustbuster. You know? Those little vaccuums without cords that you can whip out on a dime? I freaking love these things. I got one for Christmas a few years ago and I’m thinking about getting a holster for it so I can wear it on my hip 24/7 so I can clean 24/7. Yup, I love it. I asked for it. I’m really just saying that giving ONLY a dustbuster isn’t so great. Get me a dustbuster AND a trip to Macy’s and I’m golden. JUST a dustbuster and we gonna have some words.

3. Clothes that I have picked out and told you the correct size are fine. Clothes you picked out that are 18 sizes too small and probably require dry cleaning and only look good in the magazine on the size 0 model – um – not so much. Knock, knock. I don’t live in the magazine. I gotta cover these rolls. Get over it.

4. An ornament. While lovely the simple fact is that I will only see this gift perhaps one month out of 12. Are you aware that I can wear jewelry every day and then I can be reminded of your love every day – instead of only being reminded once a year? Catch my drift?

5. Lingerie. Yup enough said. That gift ain’t for me. Duh.

6. I’d stay away from workout videos or gym memberships. I mean you can certainly buy me those things – just not for Cmas. On January 2nd or so, I’ll gladly accept such a gift. Before then – well – you can deal with Sheniqua on this one. And you can not receive sex for a good two weeks or so as well. It’s another one of those gifts that falls in the category of “great gift only if accompanied with diamonds.”

7. Any gift that can double as a gift for you too is rarely recommended. Like a movie you buy me because in truth YOU want to see it. A new recliner – cuz you plan to sit in it more than I will. A fancy coffee cup that you plan to “share” with me. You know – anything that you could have bought yourself regardless if you have a wife or not. Not so smart. Practical? Yes. Gets you laid? No.

8. Any sort of outing or gift that includes the inlaws. If you get me a 5 day trip to Mexico and then tell me your parents are coming with us….um…I ain’t going. If you buy me theatre tickets and tell me your Dad and Mom are driving us there and we’ll sit in the back like two 15 year olds – well then - I want to poke your eyes out. If you want to take me out to supper – with your parents – I want to poke daggers into your chest. Don’t do it. This is about ME. THEY are the babysitters, you idiot.

9. Do not buy me "How To" books on things YOU want me to become interested in or better at. That doesn’t fly. For example, don’t buy me anything titled:

How to learn to love football
How to learn how not to need anything for 4 hours while football is on
How to learn how to build your husband a huge garage in a bikini
How to learn how to never use the remote if your husband is in the room
How to learn to love bloody, gutsy, kill the world movies
How to want your man to play video games incessantly
How to learn how to need sex 16x a day
How to learn to pee with the seat up and like it
How to learn to not want to “just cuddle”

Yah. These types of books are a no no. Plain and simple. We ain’t gonna read them. We’re going to shove them up your ass and light them on fire. EVERY time.

10. Do not get me instructions on how to shave my hoo-hair into the shape of the Cmas tree with a package of green hair dye as a bonus – and claim it’s because you’re feeling so festive. Let’s instead take that green dye and make the Grinch’s face using your ass hair.

I produced fruit from these loins for you. I don’t think making it look like a Cmas tree will help anyone. Unless you plan to hang a 3 carat diamond “ornament” from my hoohah tree. In that case, I’ll find a way to make that sucker light up. It’s your choice.

There ya go. Top 10 off the top of my head. I could go on…but I won’t. I mean we can’t really blame them, right? They do, in fact, have penises. We’re lucky they can feed themselves.

Here’s hoping you get everything EXCEPT what’s on this list.


Carrie said...

Hahahahahahahaha!!!! Loved this. Absolutely hilarious.

Dawnya said...

You should seriously write a book with this stuff. Hilarious!!!

Sarah said...

Totally brilliant. Can I add impossible to understand gadgets to this list? xx

Laura Belle said...

A lit up hoohah tree????

How do you come up with this shit?!

This just made my freaking month!

Vanessa @ Gourmet Runner said...

Haha, love this! I notice a common trend...anything accompanied with diamonds will be perfect!

Karen Butler Ogle said...

Dail is not good at choosing my gifts. Last year was okay though. I got leopard print satin pajamas but they were a little too small. This year, I know most of what I am getting but I know he will add a few surprises at the last minute. I really have everything I asked for this year already though. I LOVE my new backpack.

Vanessa said...

Too funny! Lit up hoo hah with diamonds! You are a genious

Bonnie said...

I have no words........just pictures in my mind

but I must say there isn't anything I wouldn't do to my hoo hah for a 3 carat diamond....lol

terbear287 said...

Love it! So true. This is a bonus to single-hood. I bought my own stuff. Pair of brown boots, new shirts, jewelry, new phone, camera and a crock-pot (yep that's right a crock-pot and it's okay cause I bought it for myself).

Cat said...

The hoohaa ornament absolutely made me crack up. I was seriously crying I was laughing so hard. I love that you can make it light up! *continues laughing while wandering off wondering if her socks this Cmas will have a diamond in the toe*

Rachellabelle said...

Excellent advice. I once had a man give me $60 in an envelope. WTF on so many levels.

Amy said...

green who-ha hair? eeeek.

Polar's Mom said...

Oh lordy, that was wondy!!! Let's just say that anything other than a Lexus (those fucking commercials), or 3 dozen homemade cupcakes, needs to be topped with diamonds. Everything. I ain't a hooker but this sex ain't free!

Happy Holidays, and here's wishing you a leather holster for that dustbuster with a side of Jimmy Choo's!

Jessica said...


Sheila said...

Everything on this list is soooo true. And I love the green christmas tree who-ha hair ONLY if it's accompanied by a diamond. LOL!

Sam said...

LOL :o)

Joanna said...

Agreed!! Last year, I got some of those socks that have the aloe stuff in...supposed to be a foot spa in a sock. Well, that's a bunch of bull. They just feel like I'm wearing socks made of slime... YUCK!!

Can we also add kitchen appliances, video games, and bath sets to that list?

There's only so many sandwich makers and waffle irons a woman can own (and never use). I never play video games - the consoles are for the kids and Hubby. AND my bathroom already looks like Bath & Body works from the years of gift sets I've received... I'm not starting an official collection. NO MORE!!

Every thing else on your list was PERFECT!!

Maren said...

Haha, this had me laughing to the point of tears! You are hilarious :D

Jess said...

You are always so clever! Clever little gummy bear! :)

Mary said...

Bwahahahaa!! I loved number 10! I have to make sure my hubby reads this just in case...

Sandy Lee said...

I buy all my gifts now and have hubby wrap them. That way I get what I want. You are so right about clothes. I can't imagine anyone buying me clothes that would actually fit and that I would like. Maybe mittens and a hat but never any other body covering. I'm getting an iPad this year. Can't wait to play with my shiny thing.

Merry Christmas. May it be peaceful and fun.

Ms. M said...

OMG!!!! The tears are rolling down my face I'm laughing sooooo hard!!!