Friday, December 9, 2011

Twas the night before Christmas...Drazil Style.

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Drazil was up planning evil deeds because he’s a nasty louse.

The blinged stockings were hung by the chimney with care
Waiting to be filled with makeup, shoes and products for my hair.

Sheniqua was nestled tight to my hip as we lay snug in our bed.
While visions of a size zero tight ass danced in my head.

Now where the hell is Drazil? God, he’s such a sap.
It’s time to settle down with Rambo for a long winter’s nap.

Just then out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I smacked Rambo so he could see what was the matter.

Away to the window, he flew like a flash.
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow.
Gave the luster of diamonds to objects below.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.
There sat Drazil on top of Rudolph’s back. What a dick!
He was controlling the whole gang – yes, even St. Nick.

Faster than hives spreading on my ass, his coursers they came.
And Drazil whistled and shouted, and called them by name.
"You idiot Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! Jesus Donner – get off of old Blitzen!

Get your asses on the roof so Santa can land here.
I’ve been waiting for my presents all f*cking year.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
Drazil screaming and then the pawing of each little hoof.
As I rose from my bed, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
He looked pissed off, like he wanted to stomp Drazil into ashes and soot.
I knew how he felt…I wanted to kill Drazil every single day.
I wanted to help Santa but I didn't know what I should say.

I noticed a bundle of heels and purses that he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a salesman at Macy’s as he was opening his pack.

My eyes were as wide as saucers, my dimples how merry!
My ass cheeks filled with hives and I knew they were as red as a cherry!
My mouth was dry and I fell to my knees!
Was that a Coach purse? Oh Lord, help me please!

Santa was smoking a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke encircled Drazil’s puny head just like a wreath.
He began to cough and wretch from his stupid blue belly,
While I laughed so hard my stomach shook like a bowlful of jelly!

Oh Santa was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
He's as big as Sheniqua and as sassy too, I thought to myself.
Then Santa gave me a wink and a conniving twist of his head,
Would he grant my Christmas wish and strike Drazil dead?

He ignored Drazil’s pouting and went straight to his work,
He filled all the stockings but two and then turned with a jerk.
Then he calmly stepped on Drazil and squashed him right flat.
He kicked Sheniqua’s ass and yelled, “You whore…now SCAT!”

I nearly feinted in joy and offered Santa a quick BJ.
He declined and said he’d get that from my best friend Jenny…just down the way.
I stared at the purses, the heels, the diamonds and the Harley clothes.
I felt a peace I’d never known all the way down to my Shellac-ed toes.

With Drazil still crying, Santa sprang to his sleigh and to his team gave a whistle,
And whatever the hell this means – they flew away like the down of a thistle.
As he drove out of sight I heard him exclaim, “Happy Christmas to all!”
“Tell Drazil to leave town or I’ll come back and rip off his lizard balls!”

"Be sure Sheniqua lays off the Doritoes and the late night pudding snacks.
Or her new home will be where Rambo works with all the other asshole quacks."

He waved goodbye and said, “Enjoy your bling bling, my Princess lovebug.
And be careful with the snakeskin Jimmy Choos…they fit a little snug.”

I’ll see you next year. Drazil better be a handbag and Sheniqua should still be MIA.
If you can accomplish that, there might be a little something extra next year, mmkkaay?


Angie said...

Talk about creative! LOL, great story Draz! :)

terbear287 said...

loooooove it!!!! You are the queen. If you get an extra coach bag send it my way cause I ain't gettin nothin for Christmas!!

Cat said...

Awwww, what a good guy that Santa is getting rid of Drazil and Sheniqua for you!!

Rachel said...

Hilarious - you crack me up!!

Vanessa said...

Great! Love this!

Angelia said...

ROFL! Thanks for the laugh!

mommykinz said...

You are so funny!

Sandy Lee said...

So cute!

Joanna said...

LOVE!! That is all.

Maren said...

Hahaha, loooove that story :D

Banded Mommy (Angie) said...

Bwahahaha! I love it! I even got the husbands attention with the Santa BJ comment! :) <3

Sam said...

Now that is a great Christmas tale :o)

Karen Butler Ogle said...

Totally hilarious. I hope you really get everything you want for Christmas this year.

Jennifer said...

You are my hero for your last comment on my blog!!! Thank you so much. It was just what I needed to hear. Did you lose a lot of weight or was it more how your clothes fit and how you felt? Either way I am so excited. Again...thank you so much!!!


XBIGJIMX said...

that was just damn ass amazing

Polar's Mom said...

That was too cute! I think your Santa is like my plastic surgeon... ;-)

Kelly said...

Nice, clever twist on a classic, Draz. I'll never think of that story the same way again! :)

affectionforfitness said...

Hi! Thanks for following me--right back at ya! Your blog is ridiculously adorable!

I completely agree about Staples. I can't live without several colors of highlighters, neon post-it notes, a journal, good pens, and a mini stapler in my purse at all times. That is the bare minimum of being civilized!

You have a huge writing style that I look forward to reading.

:-) Marion

Bonnie said...

Please least your cute AND've got me beat.....LOL

Laura Belle said...

You just made my day! Freaking best post ever! Still laughing!!!