Thursday, June 30, 2011

More Nutrisystem "stuff"...

I’m going to try to answer a few questions I’ve been getting about NS.

Someone asked if the 50% special is still on….YES…as far as I know but the website doesn’t give an end date so I have no idea how long it’s on. BUT – and this is a big but (kinda like mine – ha! – I crack myself up) - here’s the kicker. It is indeed true that you get 50% off the first month you purchase NS and for me that ended up being about $160 and Rambo was $180. I budget way more than that a month for groceries so for us (even with buying the girls some food) NS *saved* us money.

However – to get the 50% off – NS requires you to go on auto-delivery and get a second month at full price. I knew this and with the savings for the first month and the price of second month we came out just about even – so I knew it was do-able. I would NOT have done this had it cost us MORE than what I budget for groceries each month. That being said – I plan to only do this for 2 months. After the 2nd month, you can cancel at any time. In fact, you can cancel after the 1st month and you’ll just be charged full price. It’s up to you.

Another cool thing I’ve seen is that NS offers ala carte now. That would be good for people like me who can do well every day at work by pre-planning my foods and staying on plan BUT doesn’t do so hot when I get home for supper.

I could choose to buy NS suppers for a whole month and NOT buy any breakfasts or lunches or snacks. I could choose to buy a bunch of breakfasts and nothing else. It’s a pretty cool option if you ask me. I can’t find any Smart Ones or Lean Cuisines or anything like that with this much protein in each meal and this low of calories.

Like the pizza for example – I can’t find any diet pizzas in my local supermarket for less than at least 350 cals. The NS one has 200 something (can’t remember right now). I’m not sure there are many NS meals over 250 in fact. Last night Rambo had spaghetti and it had 22g of protein. They are loaded with protein.

Protein is KEY. After reading the message boards it is WAY obvious that NS lifers and experts really hone in on the protein factor.

And Dawnya – yes – they have a selection for diabetics. They are all about the glycemic index and they really brag about their diabetic plans.

I got another question about how do I not get hungry when the portions seem so small. Let me explain this by showing my day yesterday. And let me also assure you I am a HUGE high quantity eater. Like I’m the kind of girl that can eat a whole frozen pizza and still be hungry (or think I’m hungry). I’m an eater so not being hungry on this plan has SHOCKED me.

Here’s my day yesterday:

NS item – double chocolate muffin (7g protein)
Dairy or protein – I chose protein and had 3 oz of tilapia (one fillet basically)(22g protein)
Fruit – 15 grapes
Veggies – unlimited amt – I had broccoli with my fish
*Note: men also get a carb here (azzholes)

Morning snack:
Women – do NOT get this – however you can always have veggies so I ate carrots
Men – fruit and choose a dairy or protein (again – let’s chop off their penises as revenge)

NS item – cheesy mashed potatoes (8g protein)
Dairy or protein - I chose protein and had 3 oz of tilapia (one fillet basically)(22g protein)
Veggie – unlimited amt – I had broccoli with my fish
Veggie – you can have a salad here and are allowed ff dressing – I skipped this

Afternoon snack:
Dairy or protein – I chose protein and had 3 oz of tilapia (one fillet basically)(22g protein)
Fruit – blackberries

NS item – flatbread pizza
Fruit or veggie – orange
Veggie – I may have more carrots here or a salad is allowed with ff dressing
Fat – handful of peanuts
*Note: men also get a carb here (dickwads)

NS item – caramel nougat bar (many times I have skipped this – I’m just not hungry for it)

Here’s a day in the life of me BEFORE NS to compare it with:
Mountain Dew and M&Ms and a Fiber One bar

More Mountain Dew and pretzels
Possibly more candy

Chinese or Pizza Hut and a Twix

Pepsi and Doritoes

Pizza or pasta and some more candy
More soda

A bath in Skittles

Disclaimer: I may or may not be exaggerating about the above daily rundown. It may or may not be about 95% truth. I cannot say.

Moving on….

Obviously – as I’ve said before I don’t mind eating the same things over and over (Hello? Tilapia x3) BUT you can choose either protein or dairy when it says that. Sometimes I choose dairy and eat hard-boiled eggs or have chicken and broccoli. Rambo sometimes has deli turkey or egg whites. Or you can make a smoothie with strawberries and skim milk and yogurt (fruit/dairy/protein). There is a whole list of acceptable proteins, dairies, carbs, fruits and veggies.

If you’re normal and like all kinds of veggies you can eat those all day as much as you want. If you’re a freak like me and only eat carrots and broccoli – well then – you’re slightly limited screwed.

There’s also a list of items (each under 20 cals) that you can have 3x a day. Many of these are condiments like ketchup and stuff but there are bacon bits, popcorn and things like SF jello and such on there too. Add-ins if you will.

Also – the plan clearly states that if you have OVER 100lbs to lose you have to add more carbs and fats per day. Men get additional food too. (that’s it – I’m whacking off Rambo’s balls)

Soooooo as you can see – that’s a lot of food. I am NOT hungry and not really tempted to eat crap either. I’m eating every food group so I don’t feel like anyone told me anything is off limits. I have asked Rambo a lot over the last week if he’s hungry and feeling deprived and he says no.

He is normal and eats a huge salad with every meal with spinach, lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, bacon bits, peppers and onions and a bunch of other rabbit food shit so he’s almost full before he ever eats his NS meal and the other stuff he’s supposed to eat.

I am NOT working out like a madwoman. I am either running or walking a couple miles daily just for the pure enjoyment of it and just because I want to. I am only burning about 200-250 cals per workout so obviously I’m not killing myself.

I am averaging between 1000-1200 cals a day BEFORE exercise. I am in awe that I’m not starving.

I am drinking craploads of water every day. See my hover post for proof. At day 8 – I am no longer drinking any soda (neither is Rambo). Holy peanut butter dick dip right? I mean what the holy hell is going on? THIS is not me.

I have slept through the night almost since the day I started. I have not fallen asleep at work.

I did have my first migraine in 9 days last night at about 2am. Not sure what prompted that but let’s all not forget I’m still a freaking pirate so my eye issues can be causing quite a bit of strain which can produce a migraine. Still – one in 9 days is damn near monumental. I might not need Botox. Gasp!

I’m a walking effing commercial for NS. Marie Osmond has nothing on me (well except she’s thinner, has nicer hair and has shitloads of money from NS). And to think they didn’t want me as a reviewer. Ha!

Lastly – if any of you are seriously thinking of trying NS…if you love me…let me know. Cuz I can get $30 off for referring a friend….and saving money is always fun. (um…so I can buy more shoes – duh!)

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Body odor and slip and slides.

Just a few random observations from the cuh-razy mind of me. Also known as the socially crippled, organizing, color-coding, pretending to live in Care Bear Land while farting gumdrops girl in case you thought my only attribute was cuh-razy. You’d be wrong. I am multi-talented fo sho.

Have you guys ever known someone with bbbbaaaaaaadddd body order?
Like they smell like a walking corpse.


Let me say this. On the weekends, when yours truly is feeling especially lazy sexy, I do not brush my teeth, I do not wear makeup, I do not brush my hair, I do not get out of my PJs. I look like a homeless African bushwoman who lives in the Mojabe desert and hasn’t seen a shower in years.
By about 10am…something is smelling not so fresh.

Big shocker – it is ME. Only a few hours into the day and I can smell my own armpits.
They have that “I’m a manual laborer in the 105 degree heat for 10 hours a day” body odor smell.

Now I ask you – how the hell can anyone with a nose not smell themselves all day long?
I mean look behind you – people are passing out cold as you walk by.
I just don’t get it.

And fine – let’s say their nose is broken and they can’t smell. What about their wives or kids? Yes – the guy I’m talking about has both. Why doesn’t his wife tell him? Or why doesn’t his kid who isn’t required to have tact say,“Dad – you stink!”? I’m soooo confused by this.

PS – maybe I’m super sensitive to this because I used to date a guy like this. He was theee biggest jock in high school and cute as hell but dayum he smelled. He was the quarterback, the baseball pitcher and big on the basketball team too so yes – he sweated a lot so you’d think I could give him a pass.

Nope – couldn’t handle it. That and the fact that he was the worst kisser in the world was enough to say buh-bye. Mr. Jock wasn’t so happy about letting go of me (probably cuz back then I had my double E boobs) but too bad….Rambo was in my sights. And Rambo smelled too.…but in a good way.

Also – this weekend some of Rambo’s southern relatives are home. The plan is to have a cookout.
Oh and have a HUGE slip and slide.
 (Who the f*ck comes up with these brilliant ideas? 
The size 0 skinny bitch who WANTS people to see her half naked?)

Yes – with water. And swimsuits.

Did you see that last word I typed up there? Swimsuits. In public. In family public.

Swimsuits in public are bad enough but in front of family it’s so bizarre don’t you think? Like I don’t think my father-in-law should ever see my whole thigh or my stomach you know?
I feel violated even when he’s not looking my way.
I want to scream, “YES – this is what your son gets to pork whenever he wants.
Have pity on him. Get over it.”

Jesus, Mary and Bart. What’s a cellulite-ridden girl to do?

Put on my leopard bikini, suck in my tummy-tucked tight stomach, flaunt my tattoos, show off my feathers and strut my ass all day hoping and praying that behind every one of their high priced
sunglasses is one blind eye like mine.

Cuz let me tell you – when you look at me half blind…..Ima kinda hot.

Full on – two good eyes…um…not so much.

Focus on the feathers people. It totally helps.


Someone should instill a “blog per day maximum” for people like me who can’t shut up.

I give you all permission to only read one blog of mine per day. After that – it’s all poppycock anyway.

My coping mechanism is writing. So this is me – coping. Sometimes I’m such a dipninger huh?

Anywhoozle, it’s summer. Rambo is feeling and looking better. He has a new Harley. He is a social maniac. He can’t get enough of people.

I on the other hand – want to go to work, come home and never leave.
Preferably I’d like to live in a closet.

I have to plan outings WAY ahead of time – because it takes me ALL day to mentally prepare to go to them. Spontaneous is almost as bad a word as poop and puke if you ask me.

For Rambo? Spontaneous IS the meaning of life. It IS joy and fun.

When he decided to call in sick all of a sudden last weekend and wanted to go “do something” – I panicked. I had already “planned” to do nothing while he was at work. That’s where my OCD brain was set. I literally said to him – I can’t do this spur of the moment stuff. I just can’t.
(but I ended up doing it anyway…and I lived)

Last night he all of a sudden wanted to go somewhere again and I said no. Mentally I couldn’t process it.
 I told him to go and I’d watch the girls.

Enter today. I’m as happy as Barney at a children’s picnic until he called.

He said, “Hey, I got asked to play volleyball tomorrow night. And both of us for next Thursday night.”

Instant shutdown. I’m paralyzed.
My voice changes so much it prompts Rambo to say, “Are you okay? What’s wrong?”

I lie. “Nothing.”

Why is this me? EVERYTHING in me wants him to go. He loves this stuff and it’s good for him and for us and it’s healthy…but it makes my stomach hurt and my mind panic because it’s a week night, I’ll have to do soccer alone, it’ll be late, etc, etc.
(Translation = it’s NOT in the plans).

And to think they want ME to go the next week? I just don’t understand how I can make that work – though every part of me knows it’s with old friends and we’ll have a blast once I get there.

Why can’t this be easy like it is for everyone else out there?

He said, “Put it on your calendar and think about it.”

Why do I have to think about it? I just want to say yes – I’d love to – I’ll be there.

I don’t want to be crippled. I don’t want to feel lost – like Winnie the Pooh would feel without Piglet.

And it pisses me off. I’m angry at the anxiety this causes. I want it gone.
I want this to not be my cross to bear.

I hate feeling like I’m in a boxing ring – fighting myself.
I’d like to kick the shit right out of me if it were possible.

I want to not be me when it comes to stuff like this.

But I am me.
And I’ll have to find the strength to do it anyway because if I don’t – I’ll never forgive myself for
holding Rambo back or for becoming the wife that my Dad was to my mom.

I’m not okay with going and doing this stuff.

But I’m even less okay with regret.

Now where the hell did I put my big girl balls from last time I used them?

I bet that heifer Sheniqua took them.

I hate that whore.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Nutrisystem review...part 2.

A couple more pics and reviews for you:

Breakfast the other day was a blueberry muffin....which I will definitely order again!  So good! 
Pretty moist, lots of blueberry flavor and a good size. 
I had a cup of raspberries with this and a hard-boiled egg.  All part of the plan!

Then for lunch I had the three cheese pasta with chicken and broccoli.
It looks just like the picture and seriously is soooo creamy and good. 
 I will definitely order again!
I paired this with a cottage cheese, carrots, celery and blackberries.

I should also report I had a chocolate caramel nougut bar for dessert tonight and it was AWESOME!

Remember me?  Picky girl.  These are pretty good odds huh?  I've like the majority of the foods.

Rambo has not yet found an option he hasn't liked.  We are pretty pleased to say the least.

Here's a fave of Rambo's.  He said it had just the right amount of spice in it and was very good.

Rambo also had the lasagna on Sunday night.  He said it was AWESOME!

I also tried the cinnamon roll for breakfast and it was pretty good. 

I've never found a breakfast or lunch bar I haven't liked. 
The ONLY problem with the bars is I want to eat about 4 of them. 
 They taste like candy bars!! (the fudge graham bar is damn near orgasmic)

I had the double chocolate muffin today for breakfast.
I'll totally get this again.

Here's a picture of the flame-broiled burger.  I put this on a wheat bun with fat free cheese and lettuce (because only rabbits would eat the tomatoes and onions shown in the picture on the box).

Stay tuned for more reviews.

I've completed 8 days on NS and I am down 6.5 pounds.  

Also, in an effort to score some NS products for the BOOBs conference, I looked into blogging for them and doing reviews.  Look at part of the response I got:

Currently our blogger program is at capacity with a waiting list of bloggers with
 higher social media stats.

La de freaking dah.  Apparently my social media stats are LOW??? 

News to me - I didn't even know I had "social media stats".

I wanna know who decides these stats? 

Poo on you - you marketing gurus. 

In my own head - I'm

Sucky my left boobie.

And thank you.  I love your product.

I'm so over you.

Last night I knew with every fiber of my being that NOT doing a marathon was
the right decision for me right now.

You see, I haven't run in a while...which is odd for me. 
I "loved" to run as much as Michael Jackson loved to grab his crotch. 
But I stopped.

Because every time I ran I felt like I "had" to - because I was training.

Which meant every time that I didn't run - I was NOT training - which meant I was failing.

Yes, hold your applause.  Enter me - completely all or nothing girl.
I don't know why I fight it.  It is who I am.

I just can't sort of train or maybe do a marathon or maybe not.

It's DO or DON'T.  There is no in between.

So I went out for a walk last night. 
I strapped on the gear -  
(Polar HRM, MP3, handheld water bottle, running waist pack with cell phone and headphones)
 - and I was off. 
I was ONLY going to walk brisklyI wasn't requiring myself to do any more than that.

Until I started running. 

And smiling like some idiot who just won the lottery.


Because suddenly - in that moment - I remembered how good it felt to run simply because I could.

Because I wanted to.

Because my legs were strong enough to carry me.

Because my lungs had enough air capacity.

Because my muscles could take me up that hill.

Because I lost my head in the music.

Because I had no distance I "had to" run.

Because I didn't even notice the traffic.

Because the sun was shining.

Because it felt good.

To run - for no reason at all - other than it felt good.

I sit here.  Done with my run.  Sweating buckets.  Happy as hell.

I ran because I wanted to....just like I used to.

Which leaves me with only one thing left to say.

I'm so over you.

So tell me - when's the last time you did something you love just because you could?

Monday, June 27, 2011

Weekend recap in pictures.

By the time you're done reading this post you will know that today I can't think of anything to write about.

Okay - wait - scratch that.  I have a whole list of things to post about but I don't feel like doing any of it.

So instead - you're gonna get a picture recap of my weekend.  You lucky little things you!

You might want to poke your own eyes out with forks.  It could be more fun.

I'm just sayin.

I wore my every color of the rainbow maxi(pad) dress to the purse party this weekend
so I needed rainbow eyes to match.  It goes without saying that I bought a SUPER cute purse!!! 
And in August I'm having my very own purse party. 

Rambo & I decided to go on a Harley ride Saturday when he suddenly decided to call in
sick to spend time with me.  How fun is that?
He ended up getting new pipes for his bike. 
 It is SUPER loud now so now every time he rides it he gets a hard on. 
 While his pipes were being put on...I shopped. 
I mean what else was I supposed to do?

I got this shirt....

And this t-shirt...

I got another sweatshirt too and the last thing I got was this little handy dandy purse...

It was a super fun day! 

So tell me what you did this weekend.

Due to Nutrisystem....I must use the P word.

I'm well into a week of Nutrisystem and I'd like to report my newest talent....
due to the shitloads of water I am now consuming.

Because I am peeing what seems like every 1/2 hour - and because I work with people who were born in barns and poop like pigs and lose pubes like lepers lose arms - I have learned to hover.

In fact, I am a master hover-er.

THIS is how I used to pee.

THIS is how I pee now. 
And yes - I decided I might as well do two things at once and use this hover-squat for a purpose. 
Now every time I pee - I work out.

Tootles.  It's time for another workout slash potty break.

Friday, June 24, 2011


It's FRIDAY so that means it's BYOC - Bring Your Own Crazy!  We answer a couple of questions in an effort to get to know each other better and to give our blogging brains a break!  Copy and paste and answer in your own blogs if you'd like!!  ENJOY!!

1.  What’s your favorite room in your house?

My favorite room is my bedroom. I’d stay in there ALL damn day if I could. We have a California king size bed and if there’s one thing you don’t know about me – it’s that I can sleep for 12 hours and still take a 3 hour nap during the day. I have a TV in there and books and all I’d need is a laptop and a fridge and a Latin lover to fan me with palm trees and I’d be golden for years.

2.  Picture question (or describe if you don't have a camera).  Show us a pic of your current favorite earrings!

My blue feathers should be arriving next week.  Prepare yourselves for MORE feather pictures.  (Gag)

3.  What’s your dress code at work? If you stay at home and went back to work outside the home, what dress code would you prefer?
(I ask this because my work has made some dress code changes lately and I’m curious)

• Where I work, it’s very casual. Shorts and jeans or dresses if you so desire. It’s funny how we are given the option to dress down every day but us girls up front seem to still dress up each day. But it’s nice to have the choice. Like today I’m wearing Victoria Secret’s yoga pants with the rhinestone skull pink waist band and a fluorescent Victoria Secret t-shirt that says “Love Pink”. I’m soooo comfy!

4.  Summarize your week in real life and in blog land.

• Blogland has been fun because I’m still starting to follow quite a few new blogs after going through my list again last night and unfollowing people who have deleted their blogs. “I confess” day was especially fun and doing NS reviews has been a new, fun thing too.

• In real life – I am ECSTATIC. I have completed day 4 of Nutrisystem and am down 6.5 lbs today. And I’m eating every food group and I’m not hungry! Rambo and I played soccer with 10 year olds for 45 minutes last night and felt like I was 10 myself. Both Rambo and I have noted we are less tired and I haven’t had a migraine yet….AND I have only had 4 oz or less of Mt. Dew a day and Rambo has had NONE!! Slap my ass and call me happy! (remind me of this next week when I’m sick of NS)

Holy peanut butter dick dip – it just amazes me!

A shoe fairy tale of sorts.

I have a little story to tell.

This is how I get back at people at work who annoy me.

There once was a princess (um, yes…just let me a princess for one story please) who LOVED shoes.

Any kind. Classy kinds. Hippy dippy kinds. Flats. And especially heels.

One day, this princess wore her favorite stripper heels to work and when she got to work she realized her lovely feet were sweating inside her beloved shoes.

(Because dear princess had forgotten to spray the bottoms of her feet with aerosol deodorant.)

This was a tragedy. A shock. An unbearable circumstance.

There is no way the princess could walk around with her feet stinking up the place. There were too many other not-so-pleasant smells in the office already causing certain people to vomit and run screaming.

She wanted her feet to smell of roses. Or Skittles. But roses would do.

The situation had to be remedied.

So the princess put on her gas mask and promptly entered the bathroom at work to find a solution.

To her dismay, there was no aerosol deodorant….only solid.

The princess deliberated for a second and then decided,
“What the hell? My feet are gloriously clean. It’s no biggie.”

And she promptly wiped the deodorant all over the bottom of her just minutes ago sweaty feet.
Done and done.

If the princess had known who the deodorant had belonged to, she would have apologized profusely and bought a replacement but that’s a mystery that will never be solved.
Sure it is.

(for my new followers - Martha Stewart is my nickname for a co-worker who ACTS like Martha Stewart)

The princess went back to her desk and no one ever found out about the sweaty feet or the deodorant.

She remains “Goddess of the Shoes”.
In her own little ridiculous head anyway.
Like how I just switched from Princess to full-blown Goddess there?

Problem solved. World conquered.

Then the Princess went on to marry her Prince.  You might recognize him.

And they lived happily ever after. 

The end.

Seriously - this is almost better than Beauty and the Beast, right?

Thursday, June 23, 2011

More Nutrisystem info...and a little shoe/tat porn as a side dish.

I thought I’d give a little more detail about what my normal day looks like on Nutrisystem so you can see if it’s something you would like or not. I’ll map out two days. Seriously – this is boring stuff – but someone might want to know so I’m putting it out there. 

Day 1

NS breakfast muffin
Dairy or protein – 2/3 c. of cott cheese
Fruit – apple
NS lunch – fettucini alfredo
Dairy or protein – cheese stick
Veggie – carrots
Dairy or protein – 2/3 c. cott cheese
Fruit – orange
NS supper – deep dish pizza
Veggie – lettuce/spinach salad w/ ff ranch dressing + 6 croutons
Fruit – strawberries – 1cup
Fat – unsalted peanuts
NS dessert – nacho crisps

* 9 glasses of water (pre-NS – I drank ONE if that)
*Add 4oz of Mt. Dew
* first day in a long time I haven’t fallen asleep at work

• Total cals for the day = 1167.4

Day 2

NS breakfast bar
Dairy or protein – 2/3 c. of cott cheese
Fruit – 15 grapes
NS lunch – choc pb bar (YUMMO!)
Dairy or protein – cheese stick
Veggie – carrots
Veggie – celery
Dairy or protein – 2/3 c. of cott cheese
Fruit – strawberries
NS supper – burger on whole wheat bun w/ ½ pc provolone cheese
Veggie – lettuce on burger
Fruit – skipped
Dessert - skipped

• add 4oz Mt Dew
• 10 glasses of water
• add 1tsp ketchup
• slept GREAT (which I never do)
• 45 mins on treadmill

* Total cals for the day = 1037.5 (burned 263 on the treadmill)

And here’s the thing with the 2nd day. I could have had another fruit AND a NS dessert but I just wasn’t hungry. And I could have eaten tons more veggies as they are basically unlimited but the only veggies I eat are spinach and lettuce, carrots and celery. (I told you I was picky)

Side note:  regarding fruits and veggies.   Tonight Rambo and I went to the grocery store.  I kid you not - the ONLY thing in our cart was fruits and veggies.  Cucumbers, tomatoes, raspberries, blueberries, strawberries, lettuce and carrots.  I was actually proud to put my stuff up for the lady to check me out.  Also note I’m a girl that can eat the same things every single day and be a happy camper. If you give me variety my tastebuds want more variety and more new things and I eat too much. Give me the same thing and I know what to expect and I’m in control.

Some people hate having the same thing every day…but I’m okay with it. My protein, dairy, fat and veggies/fruit will be the same things every day. Once I find which meals I like, you’ll probably find me eating the same couple of meals over and over again each day. I may order 28 deep dish pizzas for suppers for next month. You never know!

So there you have it! You basically get a list of acceptable fruits, veggies, proteins, dairies and fats and the serving size and you pick from those and put them in your day where they say. Keep in mind if you’re a man you add TWO carb options AND an extra snack to every day. Damn them and their penises.

See what I mean about having food from nearly every food group? I feel like when you are done with NS – that’s a good thing because it’s not like Atkins where once you begin to eat carbs again – all the weight comes back instantly. You ARE already eating all the food groups.

And listen – before I started NS – I never ate a fruit or veggie to save my ASS. I knew I should but I didn’t want to and now that they are the only thing I have to shop for or put in a Ziploc or care about – I can do it. Before they were too much work to add to everything else I had to cook. Not worth the effort. Now they are my only effort. So if this gets me in the habit of craving and wanting veggies – GREAT.

Rambo is having trouble eating everything he is supposed to too. He’s just not hungry. For him – because he eats WAY more veggies than me – when he makes a salad he can add cucumbers, tomatoes, peppers, onions, etc etc so by the time he’s done with the salad, the NS lunch or supper is about all he wants. Yet the plan says he could eat a carb, a fruit, more veggies, a fat AND a dessert.

I have to say I’m confused by this. I don’t get why I’m not hungry or dying for some sugar. I used to eat candy A LOT – and soda (prob 2 a day) and just crap. Chips, pizza, desserts – whenever and in whatever quantity I wanted. I never stayed below 1200 cals and I was always hungry it seemed. It’s so weird. I just feel full and calm.

I think it’s just that I feel like I have control – I know what my choices are. They are clearly defined. I don’t put together a frozen pizza just because I don’t feel like cooking and it’s fast. It’s not necessary anymore.

Hmmm – hard to explain but let me just say – this is odd. I’m a high quantity eater. And yet I’m fine.

It’s completely mind-boggling and Sheniqua is pissed off in the worst way. I finished Day 3 and I’m down 5 pounds so far.

Holy spicey buffalo giblets right?

Oh here's a pic of the peanut buttter lunch bar.  Freaking turdfiddles - it's like a candy bar it's so good!

I had the flatbread pizza for supper. 
Yup - pretty sure I'm gonna order about 20 of those for supper next month. 

Also - just so my blog hasn't become ALL about food...I give you ME loving the placement of my newest Drazil (lizard) tattoo.  (minus the scaly peeling skin cuz it's still healing)

I wore snakeskin shoes today and Draz was right at the edge of them - peeking out taunting me.

Excuse the wanky position of my feet. 
I was sitting in my office trying to hide my camera flash when I took these.

This was my first tattoo that I didn't pre-plan or think about for months.  I decided in 5 minutes where and what - so the chance for regretting it was pretty high. 

These snakeskin shoes sealed it for me today though.  I love it and the placement!!!

Who says an over-bearing, OCD, hives ridden, no liking change kinda girl can't be spontaneous??

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Nutrisystem review - Day 2 complete.

Well here it is as promised…a Nutrisystem review for your reading pleasure. By the time you’re done reading this you’re gonna say, “How the hell can one woman talk about food so much? Would she shut up already?”

Onward. Come with me.

First of all – I majorly effed up in ordering. I “thought” I had custom-picked all my foods and it turns out I didn’t. What I got was what NS calls “Favorites”. This means they do a random picking of their highest reviewed foods so you can get a taste of everything.

Um – not so good for me. Have I ever told you how picky I am? I’m the girl who goes to McDonald’s and orders a cheeseburger plain – minus the cheese. At Subway – I put lettuce on turkey. That’s it. I like my food bland and plain and so this Favorites dealio was not going to fly.

The good thing is that Rambo eats just about anything so Ima gonna be trading. Considering this – we decided to line up ALL our foods in categories on the table.

Each meal is color-coded by NS. It’s a simple system. You get a book that tells you what you can ADD to your NS meal (fruit, veggie, dairy, protein, carb or fat) and off you go into Marie Osmond-land. (which by the way looks NOTHING like Care Bear Land. There are no effing gumdrops!)

Let’s just get it out there right now that the azzhole Rambo gets TWO extra carbs a day AND an extra snack. If you for one minute think he’s not rubbing that in my face every chance he gets – well then I’ll sell him to you for $2.00.

Before I forget – I *LOVE* their website for daily tracking. Soooo simple.

I have nearly weaned off of Mountain Dew completely (Rambo quit Pepsi cold turkey too). I have drank water like the town drunk drinks vodka…and I’ve eaten more fruits and veggies than I thought was possible for this girl (considering I only like a few kinds).

Here are a few items I ate:

Banana nut muffin (um - my Bus Office Mgr walked in when I was taking a pic of my food and looked at me like I just boiled pee for tea time. I didn’t even offer an explanation. Busted!)

It was good. Not real soft, but edible. I doubt I’ll choose this again.

For lunch I had fettucini alfredo.

This was good. Not great. If I want pasta, I want bigger noodles and chicken in it. I won’t choose this again.

Then I had the deep dish pizza which was YUMMY! Small though…like enough for a smurf to choke on. But the thing is you add a salad and a fruit and some nuts and dessert and viola! - you’re full!

And you didn’t use a single pan or heat an oven or even use a dish. Hallelujah – there is a God.

THIS is why I did this. I needed a “kitchen & food & groceries thinking” break.

Of course every single thing Rambo has eaten he has liked and would order again.

For snacks we had the nacho chips and Rambo had the buttered popcorn. Both good. (but they’ll never be taco orgasm-inducing Doritoes)

I had a cinnamon bar this morning – YUMMO. I’ll so get this again.

For lunch I had this:

As a side note, I do not feel hungry. No headaches other than a small one which I think is about the caffeine withdrawal. I haven’t fallen asleep at my desk like I do EVERY other day.

I don’t feel the need to cheat which is huge for me. I mean the fact is I’m getting a ton of food. Actually I skip a few additions because I’m just not hungry. There’s been cake at the front desk and stuff like that – that ALWAYS got to me before and so far….it hasn’t bothered me. I’ll have dessert later.

I most love that this diet has every food group…no ONE thing is cut out so I don’t feel drawn to that ONE thing I can’t have. There are carbs, proteins, fats, sugars (no fake artificial sweeteners) and dairy.

Rambo is weighing once a week and I weigh daily and after two days I’m down 4 pounds …… I’m not jumping for joy just yet as the key is to keep it off.

I’ll tell you what though – mentally – I feel fan-freakingtastic. It is convenient, fast, lots of options and I just feel like I don’t have to think.

About food.

For once in my life.

Someone else did it for me and it’s healthy and the right portions to boot.

It’s just so fabulous to me to think that I don’t need groceries (other than some fruits/veggies). I don’t have to shop or make meal plans or cook (except macaroni for the girls). What a concept!

Yes – I realize this is temporary. Let me bask in the temporary glow alright?

You all know how even just a few days of being “on plan” can make you feel strong and sure right? Well, that’s what this has done for me so far.

Somebody remind me I said this on day five when I’m pissing and moaning because I haven't had a Doritoe or a Milky Way. Mmkkaayy?

Oh and for supper tonight I had a burger.  You buy your own wheat bun and I added lettuce and 1/2 piece of cheese.  It was really good - and a good I'll definitely order that again.

Tootles for now - it's actually Tuesday night as I write this and I have to go work out cuz Rambo already did!

AND STILL I get dessert when I'm done! 

I feel like Miss Piggy in a bath of bacon....this is fuuunnnn!

Speaking of bacon - I cooked some for my girls and didn't have a single piece.  Neither did Rambo.  And he turned down brats at work.  Can you believe this shiz?????  I'm so stoked!!!!

Bet you can't tell by my overuse of punctuation, can you??????!!!!!!!!!!!

Are you an effing cop?

Ask too many drug-related questions and you get asked, “Are you a f*cking cop?”…like numerous times.

Drugs, cops and questions. All part of a little ditty I left out about my time at the tattoo convention. Until today.

I’m naïve. I mean REALLLLLY naïve. I don’t get out much (on purpose) and I don’t try many new things (because I’ll break out in hives) and I’ve never been known to hang out in the “wrong” crowds because well…wrong crowds scare the shit out of me. (Think Superwoman outside, Wussywoman inside)

See this wrong crowd?  Scares the shit out of you, doesn't it? 

I never smoked – not even one cigarette in my life. I’ve never drank an entire beer. The most I’ve had is one wine cooler or some other fruity drink. Never been with any other man besides Rambo. You’d think I was Jesus’s sister, wouldn’t you? Or that my parents locked me in a cage until I was 18.

Well look how well that turned out huh? Can you say BACKFIRE??

So we’ve established that I’m sheltered with a side order of naïve. And let it be known – I’m not bragging. Quite the opposite. Though my parents thought they were protecting me…so many times I’m just uninformed or unintelligent about certain life things that others were allowed to experience.

Anywhoozle…let’s suffice it to say drugs were NEVER even on my radar. Is it wrong to admit they intrigue me though? I suppose it is – but they do. I mean not intrigue me like I want to do them but intrigue me like I want to know more about them. 

I watch the show Intervention like it’s my own kind of crack. And when I find someone who will willingly pony up info about drugs and doing drugs – I pepper them with 1000 questions that most 5 year olds already know the answer to.

Obviously – to those of you who aren’t naïve – it’s no surprise that at this all night tattoo party – there was weed. Gasp! My God – I’ve never even typed that word before. Give me a second – I’m sure lightening is going to strike or something. Eeek!

Seriously though – it was there. Okay fine. We actually were selling the pretty glass things you smoke it in. Nice huh? No – I honestly have no idea what they are called. You’ll have to google it. They were glass and all kinds of pretty colors and shapes….and they sold as fast as the tickets to the wet t-shirt contest did.

I say to one guy as I’m standing there, “People really don’t use these for smoking, right? They collect them because they are so pretty, right?” A naïve stupid girl can hope, can’t she?

He says, “Well, some people do collect them and they can be quite expensive but 90% of the people who buy them – use them for smoking.”

Me: I don’t get that. I mean how do they work?

He: You shove the weed down in here, put a flame over it and inhale the smoke. I buy the really good stuff.
Me: (eyes completely bugging out) YOU do??? Like from who??
He: Are you a f*cking cop?
Me: NO – I just can’t over this shit.
He: Here I’ll show you.
Me: SHOW ME WHAT? You have some? Here? Next to me?
He: See? Smell it.
Me: What will happen to me?
He: Nothing. Unless we go in the truck and smoke it. You want to?
Me: Mmm…no thanks. I’m good. Why do you do it?
He: It gives me an appetite which I need and it makes me okay with everything. Everything is good right now.
Me: You’re high RIGHT NOW? Like you can still talk to me? Shut the front door.

 (Imagine my face looking like I had just seen my first penis)

He: Yes. All I have to do is eat and the high will go away. No biggie.
Me: (paranoia kicking in) Aren’t you afraid of getting caught? Do you want a hot dog?

(insert overly concerned hick girl trying to make this man’s high go away with food)

He: Nope.
Me: How do you know where to get it? Wouldn’t you rather spend your money on purses and shoes?

(enter therapist girl trying to save a man’s wayward life)

He: Are you a f*cking cop?
Me: Nope – I just mean if I wanted to start smoking tomorrow, I wouldn’t even know where to begin. How did you know?
He: You know someone who knows someone. Like me.
Me: Okay, I have to pass out from all I’ve learned. I have to go help tattoo some guy’s ass. Thanks for the lesson.

You better believe before that guy left the building and like a 5 year old school girl, I ran over to Rambo and whispered, “Babe – that guy – right there – with the Harley jacket on..he’s HIGH as a kite! Right now. In this building. Can you believe that shiz?”

His reply?

“Honey – they all have Harley jackets on.”

Shitballs. They do indeed.

So high boy got away undetected because I couldn’t point him out. It’s rude to point at high people.

Didn’t your mother ever teach you that?

Or are you just that naïve?

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

I confess. Do you?

Hold on to your seats…it’s another “I Confess” day here in Hell Care Bear Land…

I confess….that yesterday I nearly shanked a co-worker who I’ve never spoken to in my life. Someone put out cake on the ledge for everyone to sample. The key word there is “sample” – not inhale. I walked by and a lame ass idiot took THREE huge pieces and smiled the whole time. Why do men get to do that? If a woman did that and someone saw her with three pieces of cake they’d all think she was a heifer and gasp at her audacity. I should have shanked him. Yes, I carry a shank. It’s a shank slash pen slash mascara wand. Impressed? Don’t be. I’m a prison guard’s wife…it’s normal.

I confess….that I’m the kind of woman that changes my watch band to match my outfit each day. This could indeed be why I have been called high maintenance more than once in my life.

I confess…that I miss my bestie Jenny…like Michael Jackson misses his other glove. I haven’t seen her in forevah and the world is askew because of it. (Askew is the dumbest word, isn’t it?)

I confess…that when the orthodontist told me my daughter’s teeth (braces/spacers) would cost $2900 for just the FIRST treatment – that I ran out of the room screaming, “She’s not mine – she’s not mine!” Dammit – she looks too much like me to deny. After I was done hyperventilating I realized insurance pays half so I decided to reclaim her as my own. Jesus, Mary and Bart – clearly I should have been an orthodontist.

I confess…that I purposely don’t drink enough water at work because then I’ll have to use the public restroom. Damn you, Explosive Man!

I confess…that last night when I got my 50th credit card offer in the mail for 0% for 15 years and cash back on everything in sight – I finally decided to take the plunge. I took an advance of $30,000 and I’m moving to Fiji. Tonight. It was nice knowing you. Who needs Calgon to take me away when I have Visa…or Discover….or Mastercard? God – the trees these people kill with their offers. Enough already.

I confess…that I have a friend who is going to be using cloth diapers for her new baby when it arrives. While I admire the effort, I want to spam the hell out of her Facebook page and ask her if she’s aware that she’ll have to clean poop out of cloth daily. Like real poop – constantly. Like at 2am. Let’s face it – I couldn’t be green in regards to cloth diapers if it was a government requirement. I’d be in a coma after diaper change #2.

I confess…that I’m going to a purse party this Sunday and I’m afraid I may have to buy more than one. To help out my friend you know? Yes, yes. That is why. I’m sure all proceeds to go to starving kids in Ethiopia or into my friend’s purse. Either way – it’s a good cause and I am all about charity.

I confess…that there have been a crapload of storms here today and that means the computer systems at the prison are on the blitz which means the prison is on lockdown. Simply put – I hate that. It doesn’t take a genius to know why.

I confess…that I had Rambo take pictures of me the night before I started Nutrisystem and I have yet to look at them. I’m scared to because pictures don’t lie. That and well, finding my waist through all that cellulite could prove daunting. It might be worth it…maybe the remote I lost last week is in the creases somewhere. I’ll keep you posted on that.

The end.

Do you have any confessions today?

Monday, June 20, 2011

Etched memories.

There are certain moments in all our lives that are etched in our memories forever. If we choose to go back to those moments, they are crystal clear. If you close your eyes, you can smell the moment. Hear the moment. And see the moment.

I had a moment like that this weekend. It was completely unexpected so that bumps it up on the “life-changing” meter by quite a bit.

You see, Rambo used to be an over the road semi driver. He drove for a man I’ll call Mark. Mark is about 5 years older than us. He’s quite a man. Intelligent, goal-oriented, smart…and beyond owning his own semi business – he owns and operates a farm. He and Rambo became quick best friends while driving day after day together.

I got to be friends with Mark too, of course. We were like brother and sister most of the time. Mark ended up finding a girlfriend I’ll call Sally. Sally was quite a bit younger but we all got along well. There were some things about her that bothered Rambo and I but we trusted Mark. Eventually they got engaged. She moved in with Mark. Rambo and I were to be the best man and matron of honor. She considered me one of her best friends.

And one month before the wedding I helped Mark do something to Sally – another woman – that I never, ever want to have to do again. It’s another moment in my life that is etched into my heart. It was torture – for everyone involved.

Mark was everything to Sally. Too much in my opinion…meaning I think she saw Mark as dollar signs and her ticket to everything she ever wanted. That was dangerous for Mark. He had a family farm that had been in his bloodline for generations and he couldn’t risk having a wife that some day may only see it as money.

Sally left one weekend to go 3 hours north to visit her mom. That same night Rambo and I went to see Mark at his home. Within 2 hours we had packed up everything Sally owned – and everything for the wedding which was one month away – and put it in the back of Mark’s truck.

Three hours later – we broke her heart.

We arrived at her house at 2am. We called when we were 5 minutes out and we told her to wake up. Mark and I went in while Rambo unloaded everything she owned downstairs in her garage. I held Mark’s hand as he stood and told her he couldn’t marry her. That she had to know it had been coming. And he asked for the ring back while she sobbed.

I stood and never said a word. I just held his hand while he shook. I wanted to run to her as a woman but I also knew all her transgressions and I knew this was right for both of them. We knew she would be with her mother so she wouldn’t be alone.

The crazy thing was her mother’s apartment was filled with boxes. Moving boxes. Sally had planned to move her mother into their home the day after the wedding – without telling Mark. Those boxes sealed her fate and ultimately reassured Mark he was right about her.

I never saw her again. I never spoke to her again. I wondered about her well-being all the time.

Today, years later – we found each other on Facebook and she is happily married with children. And she agrees it was the best thing to have happened.

Mark himself is now married to a woman we love. They have two beautiful little girls. They live about 40 minutes away from Rambo and I and though they stopped driving truck together nearly 10 years ago – we remain the best of friends and get together often. We happened to do that this weekend.

Enter another etched in my heart memory.

The four of us have a lot in common – family craziness, jobs, siblings, work ethics and parenting styles. We talk often about big issues – life, death, money, sex.

Before supper, Mark’s wife said to Rambo and I that they needed to ask us something very important.

I saw tears in her eyes before the words even came and she asked, “If something happened to Mark and I, would you please take our girls and raise them?”

She barely got the words out before the tears spilled over.

Rambo and I both said, “Absolutely” – without a moment’s hesitation.


I have parents that sometimes make it very clear that they think I’m a bad parent or that I do a lot of things wrong raising my girls – so for two people I greatly respect as parents to ask us to raise their precious girls if something happened to them was quite a validation – that someone somewhere thinks we’re doing the best we can.

I’ll never forget that moment.

In the same sense, right after that I remembered that Rambo had a question for Mark. Rambo decided if he were ever on life support – he’d like Mark to pull the plug. It was who he trusted to do that for him if I couldn’t. Mark said, “I won’t want to – but I’ll do it.”

And the night went on. Just like we hadn’t just talked about dying and leaving our kids and this world. Because I suppose you can’t dwell on that, right? You have to live but be prepared. It’s the right thing to do for your kids.

My parents have no will and it drives me crazy that not only will I have to grieve for them but there will be fights over their assets. You better believe that after what happened with Mark and his wife this weekend – that I’ll be talking to my mom again about putting stuff down in writing.

If that’s all you take from this blog post – then good. It sucks, it’s hard, it makes you cry and makes you unable to get the words out sometimes but man…it’s so worth it in the end. Make a will. If you can’t do it for yourself – do it for everyone else you love that you’ll leave behind.

Figure it out, decide what you want when you leave this world – and then move on – and keep on living.


I guarantee you that making your will and deciding the difficult things - will ultimately turn into someone else's etched memory.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

I need a favor....

Okay - I've spent a few hours commenting on some blogs tonight and I'm frustrated.  I'm wondering if some of you would be willing to make a couple blog changes to help your fellow commenters/bloggers out.

First, would you mind shutting off comment verification?  If you're like me and you follow and comment on over 300 blogs - typing in the comment verification word every time considerably adds to the time it takes to comment.  You can turn this off by going under Settings, then Comments and then under Show word verification for comments? - click NO. 

Then people like me can just comment and hit save and go to the next blog with ease.  You may get a tiny bit of spam when you first do this but within a week or so that stops.  I never get spam ever and I do NOT use comment verification! 

Also - so many times I click on a blogger's name who has commented on a blog that I commented on - in hopes of finding their blog so I can start following them.  Imagine my dismay when I click on the name and their blog name/link isn't shown and I cannot follow them.  You're missing out on followers when you don't like your blog to your name!!!

I believe you can do this under My Account (top right).  Then click on Blogger settings and you should come to the Edit User Profile section.  Under show my blogs - click there and pick which blogs to link to your user name so people can find YOUR BLOG!!!

To see if you have this working - go back to a blog you commented on and click on your highlighted name in the comment.  Does clicking on your name take you to a link to your blog or does it take you to a user profile with no blog link?  You WANT people to be able to click on your name and easily find your blog right?

In this same section - see that line that says show my email address....I think this is another HUGE thing bloggers need to utilize.  I could be wrong but I think this spot is the option that allows your email to show up in comments. 

For example....when someone comments on my blog the comment shows up in my email inbox like this:

From: Kari and then the comment shows here.

See how Kari's email does NOT show up next to her comment?  So if Kari asked me a question and I want to answer with a reply - I CAN'T!!  I love to reply via email to my commenters because it's personal and then they know I read their comment and that I appreciate them.

Here's an example of a person who commented that has their email showing:

From: Laurie  and then the comment shows here.

When Laurie leaves me a comment, I usually do a quick reply back and it's a warm fuzzy for us all...and so personal.  I LOVE it when people make sure their emails show in their comments.

So click on the "show email" box and leave a comment on your own blog and see if it indeed shows...or notice on your commenter's comments how many have their emails showing when their comment shows up in your inbox. 

I LOVE it when I comment on a blog and all of a sudden the blog OWNER replies back to me and my comment via email.  Or I ask a question and they ANSWER right away to ME!  I feel so special!  LOVE IT!

Anywhoozle...just a couple of tips and favors that I've heard quite a few people talk about that I thought I'd finally put out there.

What do you think? 

Just try it - you might like it!!!!  Or not - they're just suggestions!  :)

Friday, June 17, 2011

♪ BYOC....Bring Your Own Crazy ♫

It’s time for BYOC – Bring Your Own Crazy! We answer some questions in an effort to get to know each other better and to give our blog brains a break. Copy and paste to your own blog and ENJOY!

1. Do you make your bed every day? Tell us about or show us a picture of your bed comforter?

• Alright – sit down all you Martha Stewarts out there. You’re about to gasp in shock and horror. I *never* make the bed. Rambo worked 3rd shift for at least 10 years of our marriage so when I was getting out of bed, he was coming into bed so there were only a few hours each day that someone wasn’t in our bed. Making it seemed dumb. Now we are on the same shift and still – this girl ain’t into making beds. Not even a half-ass throw the blankets over the bed. I could care less. I give myself about 20 minutes to get ready each morning and that includes a full bath so making the bed is not on my list.

Currently the colors of our bedroom and comforter are light blue, sage green and chocolate brown. You like?

2. Johnny Cash or Elvis? Thin crust pizza or deep dish? Coke or Pepsi? Beer or wine or neither?

• Johnny Cash

• I cannot pick. I could live on, swim in, bathe in, sleep in and wear pizza EVERY day. Thin or thick makes no difference to me

• Pepsi

• Neither…I’ve never really found an alcoholic drink that tastes good to me…which is probably why I’ve never been drunk.

3. I recently went through my list of blogs I follow and was at my limit so I unfollowed bloggers who haven’t blogged in at least 6 months. I want to start following some more new blogs. Who’s your fave lately? Funniest? Most inspiring? Can you link them for me??

I have so many faves but one that pops in my head right off the bat is Laura Belle….and really - how do you not like a girl that has BEER as a word in her blog name?

4. Repeat question: Summarize your week in blog land and in real life.

Real life…well, we have the eye debacle, the maxi dress wearing day, some Harley riding, I survived a tattoo convention and yesterday my Nutrisyst*m stuff arrived. Oh and last night I played soccer with a bunch of 10 year olds BAREFOOT for an hour. I’m surprised I didn’t lose a lung. Rambo is still on vacation so I’m still a happy camper.

Blog land is always fun – except for when my bestie’s doctor needs to have his balls cut off. And like I mentioned above I’m looking for some new, fun bloggers to follow. My friend Jacquie is having surgery today so please keep her in your prayers. And BOOBs planning is going strong as September is getting closer and closer! YAY